Bizarre

While I usually give thumbs up of recommendations, I had to share a movie that clearly is NOT a movie "must-see." I didn't know what I was getting myself into with this movie. When I read the back of the cover, it sounded bizarre and creepy, but I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. Here's the description on the back of the dvd:

" 'Zoo' is an extraordinary glimpse into the life of a seemingly normal Seattle family man whose secret sexual appetites led to his shocking death. Directed by acclaimed filmmaker Robinson Devor ("Woman Chaser," "Police Beat"), the film explores the ensuing media coverage and public outcry that uncovered a secret community of zoophiles, who call themselves "zoos." This expressionistic rendering of how apparently upstanding citizens banded together and videotaped their journey into the most taboo realms of behavior, reveals the enormous gulf between what we appear to be and who we really are."

I can't believe I watched this entire movie last night. I'm not one to be particularly fascinated with extreme cultural taboos, so this was a little much even for me. Being the ever curious gal when it comes to psychological and sociological subjects though, my curiosity outweighed my repulsion for the subject matter. I guess I expected it to delve into the mysterious and disturbing psychological "reasons" why these "zoo" people have bizarre, abnormal sexual proclivities. In case you haven't figured out the subtleties, this film centered on the taboo subject matter of bestiality. I didn't expect to wrap my head around how someone could be sexually turned on by having sex with an animal, but this "documentary" that had been a Cannes film contender....was a big flop of a disappointment.

I didn't know anything more by the end of the movie than I started out knowing before watching it....which was: nothing. I wasn't wanting any sick, disgusting scenes or anything (and there wasn't, thank GOD!). Like I said, I was hoping for some psychological analysis or hoping these people would realize they have a problem, get help for it,etc. But none of that happened.

Even though it was technically a "documentary," it certainly wasn't filmed like one. The people that were the so-called "zoophiles" who were "in love" (yuck) with horses, were audiotaped talking about their secret lives very vaguely. There were also all these visual scenes of farm country, horses, people driving in their trucks, and the occasional random commentary by others responding to the taboo ocurrences. Totally directionless and to me, it seemed like the filmakers were enabling these men from owning up to facing the fact that what they are doing is a form of animal cruelty.

You can bet if it were a documentary about pedophiles, they wouldn't have taken the same approach by giving the perpetrator the freedom to disguise their identity. After all, pedophiles are required to register on the sex offender list on the internet, so that everyone will publicly know what they have done/are capable of doing. Why does society somehow not enforce these currently existing lax laws or what should be more ethical and humane standards of care for animals? This extends to dog fighting too. But I'm going off on a tangent. It did make me wonder though.

The one thing someone did say in the film that was probably the only intelligent thing said in the whole 76 excruciatingly dry and awful minutes of the movie is that animals are like children: innocent. They don't have the emotional or cognitive capabilities to consent to sexual acts. Anything short of consent and mutual responsible actions is abuse, rape. If nothing else, although a horrible movie, it made me think about animals in a different way...more sacred, living beings who need to be treated with respect and nonsexual love.

I also thought about how human beings are the most bizarre mammal/species. We seem to be the only species that pushes the boundaries of normalcy. We are capable of so much good, but there's also that deep dark side too. Think about it: You don't see any other animal having sex with animlas outside their species. Dogs know not to have sex with goats. Cats know not to mate with turtles. Ad infinitum. They stay within their species. Silly as it may sound, that's how fucked up the whole concept is to me.

I'd like to meet whoever said humans are the most intelligent species, because I would beg to differ. If this is what the human race is boiling down to, what does it say about humanity? I'd like to have a nice psychological debate with a zoologist or scientist. Evolution is supposed to pro-gress ahead, not re-gress into primitive behaviors. I realize this is probably a select 1% of the population that is into gross perversions, but seriously....still. What gives?

Week two: Harder than the first week.

Well, Week One of Katie's "healthy" eating habits plan seemed to fly by effortlessly. This week, however, proved to have more trying moments, cravings, and weak willpower. I would have thought the first week would be hardest, but maybe it's because I jumped right into it and was still strongly disgusted by the things I had read about food that kept me doing well. My level of disgust has been slowly deteriorating over the course of this week though and I find myself perplexed by just how much I crave and LOVE cheese. Milk? I can do without milk. I've been doing well with my Rice Dream substitute. I thought it would taste like shit, but it's actually tasty, especially the vanilla flavored one. I ate out about three times this week though, so I need improvements on eating out less. I did, however, only have 2.5 alcoholic beverages though on Tuesday night at SoPo....a glass and a half of wine and then a very tasty Cocoa martini. Mmmm, there goes the dairy again! While going vegan sounds all well and good in theory, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not that strong. I like food too much, even if it is bad for me. So at this point, I think the most realistic goal I can follow through on is to keep up with the Rice Dream, cut down on my cheese and carb intake, use sugar instead of artificial sweeteneres like Sweet N' Low, and most importantly, be aware of my portions. I must say, I WAS better with portion control this week. Thursday I had a fried shrimp basket with fries (yeah, I know, not a salad, but a girl's gotta live!), but didn't eat more than 1/3 of the fries. I also drank water with that meal. Yesterday was a particularly shameful experience though. I was absolutely starving and perhaps my hormones were raging for it, but I caved and made a beeline for my favorite Thai restaurant in the neighborhood on my way home from work. At first I was just going to order some Pad Thai and leave it at that. But my eyes became bigger than my stomach. Salivating, I ordered Crab Rangoon as an appetizer. In my defense, I did not eat all of my Pad Thai; I still have leftovers. The point though, dear reader, is that I shouldn't have ordered Crab Rangoon in the first place: pure fat...a heart attack waiting to happen. Sigh. I realized something about my food cravings: Just like drug addicts crave heroin, crack, you name it....I thought to myself, "Oh no, is cheese and carbs MY 'crack'?" Out of all the things I have been trying to stop consuming, or at least limiting, I predicted coffee would be the most difficult. Wrong. I need a 12 step meeting.

Certifiable

It takes everything within me sometimes to not go postal on a client. Ironically enough, it wasn't even a SESSION that got me all worked up with irritation and frustration....just a client who came into the clinic at the last minute, about seven minutes before we closed. She is the kind of person that every time I see her, even in passing, she has to make a production out of something. Did I mention she cries ALL the time too? I'm not exaggerating. I literally have nicknamed her as "The Crier", or "The Weeper." Even menopausal women don't cry as often as she does. But that's another story.

Here's what happened today: I'm talking on the phone with Carol about something and the client barrels into my office (uh, boundaries!) and starts yammering away about who knows what. I put my hand up and tell her to hold on a minute(!!) cause I'm on the phone.

I get off the phone a minute later and I tell her I need to reschedule her appointment for November due to a conflict in my schedule/meeting with my supervisor for the original scheduled date. She starts rambling about how she has this appointment with blah, blah, blah (as she's weeping, per usual)and I cut her off to fill out the paperwork for the drug test she's randomly been scheduled to give today. We reschedule the appt and I tell her she needs to leave her bags on the chair because she can't bring them in the bathroom with her. She gets all huffy puffy and whines about how there are people walking by (there was no one in the waiting area, by the way) that could take her stuff. I look at her with the most annoyed look and say "I'm sitting RIGHT HERE"(in front of the chair in my office where her stuff is). She says "I understand but..." as she takes her jacket and covers up her belongings on the chair. I tell her again, "I'm right here!" and she says "You better not leave." I go, "Excuse me?!" as she walks away into the bathroom. ?!?!?!

She then walks back real quick to add that she needs some papers for blah, blah, blah and I cut her off by saying "One thing at a time. You're overwhelming me here." She comes back from the bathroom a few minutes later as I'm finishing putting stuff in my computer. I get up from my chair as she's gathering her belongings so I can collect her urine test.

I ask her where it is. "I put it on your desk."(It was in front of my Kleenex container) I said, "Don't put it on my desk, that's unsanitary!" She huffs and puffs, imitating what I just said. I reiterate to her "It's UNSANITARY." Was this bitch born yesterday? I put the urine in the refrigerator up front and as I walk back towards my office, she's still standing there! I tell her we're done and she can go get her medication. She tells me she's not done, needs blah, blah, blah from me.

"We're closed. What do you need?" I reply, with a very agitated tone of voice. UGH. After she tells me quickly, I direct her to Manuela for payment crap she needs and abruptly walk back to get her chart for the drug test results that she wanted me to make copies of for her. I hand them to her and walk to the back of the clinic to vent to Carol (and the volunteer cat lady, who got a good dose of a job description of a day in the life of a heroin addictions counselor, hehehe).

After she left, I heard she had the audacity to complain to my coworkers that I was "too busy" to help her because I was "on a personal call with a friend" (when I had briefly been talking to Carol on the phone for a minute when she first barreled into my office).

I wait for the day when that woman transfers or needs to be shipped to the looney bin. Then....I will be free. :)

Saving the cats

So if you recall, last month Carol and our supervisor Gail were able to trap the cute baby kittens (one such kitten being in this picture on the left!) we discovered behind our work clinic. Actually, even Dr. Maltz was out there helping Carol and Gail catch them. I wish I could have been there to help and see that, haha, but I was out of town in Boston, MA at the time.

They were taken to a shelter in Evanston and we have no doubts they will be adopted soon, if they haven't been already! We were pretty ecstatic about that, as we have already seen three other kittens perish (in another litter!) from lack of proper care and/or nourishment by the cat mother. We really didn't want to see that happen again. Try as we did several times, however, we frequently felt frustrated by not being able to find helpful shelters to aid us in this "save the cats and kittens" efforts. There was always some red tape involved that somehow prevented our altruistic attempts. FINALLY though, things took a more positive turn since we saved the kitties.

Now, the current priority is on the five grown cats that are still living behind the clinic. Carol feeds them and checks on them like a proud human mother (hehehe) every day, but it hasn't been enough to keep them from procreating. There's at least one male cat (Carol likes to call him "Grampa" or "Papa") who sure does have alot of progeny out there....a virtual cat harem! Carol and Gail have been able to contact an organization (Chicagoland Stray Cats) to come out and trap the cats, which they are in the process of doing as I speak. They will then be taken to PAWS neutering services clinic, which they do at a low cost.

Maybe I'm just weird, but this whole process is a fascinating little thing. A lady by the name of Cathy who volunteers with CSC came in with five trapper cages. The trick is to not feed the cats a day before the trappings so that when they put the trappers out, you put food inside of the cage and the minute the cat steps inside, the cat's paw activates the cage to shut the door behind them. Voila! I asked the lady how long that can take, on average. Though she says she has never timed it before, sometimes it can take anywhere from an hour to a day or more, depending on the size of the "colony" (yes, that's the word she used!). Wow. Hopefully it won't take longer than an hour. If we can't get them all by today or tomorrow, I volunteered to come in on Sunday (my day off) to set up any remaining trappers since Carol won't be able to do it that day. Interestingly, Cathy was telling Carol, Gail, and I that cats can sometimes produce as many as 3-4 litters per year. Damn! No wonder we feel like we're always discovering new kittens!

Even more strange, Cathy added the way a female cat's ovulation system is set up or something like that, each kitten WITHIN the litter can have a different father. Apparently, a female cat only releases eggs when the male mates with her (called induced ovulation), so that male fertilizes those specific eggs. Another male can cause her to release more eggs and fertilize those. Aren't you glad this can't happen to humans?! How bizarre.

So the plan is to trap the cats, then have them taken to PAWS to get spayed and neutered. Gail will then keep them in the trappers in her garage at home for a day to give them time to heal/take it easy. Here's the part that perplexes Carol and I though: PAWS has this stipulation that they will trap, spay and neuter them, but then are required to release them BACK behind the clinic afterwards. What?! We don't understand why they won't put them up for adoption. (Update: Carol says they just trapped two!)

Carol spoke with Cathy, who shared with us that the reason they cannot keep the cats for adoption is because adult feral cats are not accustomed to living indoors with humans. Furthermore, it is impossible to tame adult ferals. That is why adult ferals are returned to their familiar environment (they are most comfortable living outdoors, aka: their "home").

We were originally thinking about calling a shelter after they are neutered to find them a home, but now that we are "cat educated," now we're not so sure. But we will still love and feed the cats, as usual. Such is our worklife anyway. :) Oh, and don't forget....Carol has a "house" for them during those cold winter days. And did I mention they eat better than we do?

For information regarding trap-neuter-return (TNR) visit: http://www.alleycats.org/ or http://www.chicagolandstrays.org/.

Fighting AIDS: A systemic approach

I've been pretty busy lately, attending seminar after seminar, presentation after presentation....mostly motivated by my drive to get as many CEU's as I need to maintain my professional clinical license to continue practicing counseling. Yesterday's presentation ("Clinical Issues Affecting Women with HIV/AIDS") though has to be (by far) the best, most relevant and informative one I have attended thus far. I went in with an open mind and walked out the door with even more questions and frustrations than I did going in. It's not enough to know the current trends of what's been going on with populations most affected by this tragic pandemic. Sadly, as the woman articulated quite clearly yesterday, the data of copious research collected and analyzed does not tell us the WHY the outcomes have not gotten better. Counter-intuitively, research actually shows that even when women are provided with optimal medical care and adhere to strict medical regimens (having to take HIV/AIDS medication 95% of the time for it to be effective!).....the disparities between illness and wellness have grown worse, not better. This invited an interesting debate for dialogue between the speaker (Catherine Christeller, Executive Director of Chicago Women's AIDS Project) and the constituents (in this case, all of us clinical therapists, psychologists, and case managers).

Is it shame and the stigma of telling other people that you are living with AIDS, thus it goes untreated and leaves a woman with inadequate support on top of it all?

Is there inadequate funding? What about misleading/misdirected preventative methods and harms reductions solutions?

Is there a disproportionate focus on a particular aspect to the detriment of other relevant aspects?

Is there a lack of balance in treating the problem holistically and systemically instead of blaming one particular factor?

Answer to all of the above: Y E S.

Thank you Mr. President, once again for contributing to keep things shitty AND leading us down an even shittier path of problems. Let's start with the funding issue.

Our wonderfully intelligent current President came up with the idea of PEPFAR (President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief), his own personal global funding/"prevention" that requires 1/3 of the money be spent on abstinence-until-marriage programs. What is the problem with this, you ask? Such programs do not address REALITY.

According to the Center for Health and Gender Equity's April 2007 stats and information, "In 2006, there were 4.3 million new HIV infections. 80% of HIV infections among women worldwide result from SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS (my emphasis is in caps!) or their primary partners. 50% of all new HIV infections worldwide are among youth aged 15-24, a clear indication that young people are already sexually active. Prevention programs need to be comprehensive for individuals. Segregating "abstain" or "be faithful" messages from messages about condoms and negotiating safer sex leaves people vulnerable. Violence against women and girls must be addressed as part of a comprehensive prevention intervention." Are we going to make AIDS all about politics too?!

Conversely and perhaps more appropriate, enacting the "PATHWAY Act" could:

***Remove the requirement of PEPFAR.

***Require the President to develop a comprehensive and integrated HIV prevention strategy to address the vulnerabilities of women and girls.

***Increases access to male and female condoms.

***Integrates HIV prevention with reproductive health and other basic health care services.

(Email or call your representative and ask him/her to co-sponsor the PATHWAY Act.)

Cutting federal and state funding for health care and social services is adding fuel to the fire as well. Medical services aren't enough, considering the typical profile stats of those women served by community based services with Chicago Women's AIDS Project in 2006:

***88% are at or below poverty level.

***44% have dependent children

***38% have been incarcerated in the past

***45% have been physically abused and 40% sexually abused as a child

***62% have been abused by an adult partner

***71% have been on HIV meds for 6 or more years

***94% report other health problems besides HIV, with 57% reporting 2 or more chronic health problems besides HIV

***58% were diagnosed with depression, but only 46% were seeing a therapist

***62% have a history of drug or alcohol treatment

***41% report not using condoms wtih current partner and 46% have had unprotected sex since being diagnosed

Why am I reporting stats for women in Chicago? After all, it's JUST Chicago, right? Wrong. CWAP's Catherine Christeller reports that this is a systemic problem. She passed out handouts on national averages as well. Alarmingly, she adds that Chicago trends tend to closely parallel those of national trends, putting those populations at greatest risk in any community across the country...particularly African American women AND men.

We cannot scapegoat a particular population as the culprit (such as the controversial "on the down low" phenomenon), however, as this is a community level problem. We need funding and emphasis on prevention AND a harms reduction approach.Thus, sex education and risk prevention in schools and other sectors of the community are an absolute necessity. While society may wish to deny or condemn homosexual activity in the criminal justice systems, it IS going on folks. Crossing our fingers and hoping for the best is not going to prevent or cure the HIV/AIDS crisis. Jails and prisons are undermining proper care. It would behoove prison systems to provide condoms to its inmates. For more on that specific topic, here's an interesting article I came across: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/AIDS/Story?id=2724605&page=1

Racism, poverty, unequal access to treatment (ie, lack of health insurance/coverage, referrals and/or access to a variety of social support services), and the prevalance of comorbid conditions (existing conditions that may or may not accelerate the deterioration of the individual living with HIV/AIDS: diabetes, liver disease, Hepatitis C, lung disease,etc) add to the complexity of HIV/AIDS as a systemic issue. Being labeled an individual with 'mental illness' also tends to be associated its own specific stigma; many don't feel comfortable being identified as having mental problems. In turn, they may be too embarrassed or ashamed to seek treatment for their mental health.

Don't lose hope though! While having a dialogue regarding medication and overall treatment, I asked the speaker how long an individual could live, given an optimal treatment plan regimen. "Indefinitely." Of course, it depends on the individual's overall health, lifestyle factors, etc. But still....indefinitely?! Isn't that hopeful enough to put forth all our community efforts in a more holistic and systemic way to treat and prevent this tragic disease? I don't know about you, but I think it's worth the time, funding and energy.

It's called saving lives.

Chicago International Film Fest

It's time for another Katie movie recommendation! Every year, Chicago hosts it's International Film Festival usually around the first two weeks of October. Since I had found out about it back in the day ('back in the day' being when I was working at Borders bookstore around 2003 or 2004), I try to make at least one film fest movie each year. Usually I see short films since it's not something you can generally find in a mainstream movie theater. But this time I wanted to watch something different. This documentary, "America the Beautiful" caught my eye. My friends Rajiv and Eddie were up for seeing it as well, so we got tickets and checked it out on Saturday afternoon. I'm not sure if or when this movie could become mainstream, but if you can find it, be sure to watch this film. It is somewhat serious, comical, and slightly disturbing (even borderline fucked up!) at times. All in all, I was impressed with the overall content and quality of the film. It was better than I even expected it to be. Definitely raises some thought provoking questions and is a great conversation starter with friends and peers on society's twisted and unhealthy obsession with physical appearance. For a little extra background, I'm including a brief article about the movie written by someone associated with the Chicago International Film Fest:

October 3, 2007
CIFF: "America the Beautiful"


A sobering statistic from Chicago filmmaker Darryl Robert's new documentary America the Beautiful: Although the U.S. makes up only 5% of the world's population, its residents are exposed to 40% of its advertising. Roberts argues that one major effect of that hypersaturation is an obsession with a certain kind of "perfect beauty," an unrealistic ideal that leaves many women feeling unhappy with how they look and guilty about what they eat. His movie is a saddening but almost jaunty exploration of how this modern notion of perfect beauty took hold, who's being taken advantage of, and who's making money from it (as it turns out, an awful lot of people). He selects as his case study Gerren Taylor, a model who started on the catwalks at the age of 12 only to find that within a few years designers were already dismissing her for having "hips that were too big" and an unsuitable waist size.

Wisely, Roberts uses a low-key approach and lets his interview subjects do most of the talking. And as you can imagine, especially among people in the industry, there's a lot rationalization to go around. A woman at ad agency Leo Burnett explains with a straight face that there are two types of female consumers: "moderately beauty-involved" and "heavily beauty-involved." A designer reveals that the reason models with tiny figures are preferable is because dressing them uses less fabric, which is expensive. And, in an especially wicked jibe, Roberts points out that despite the fact that many Revlon cosmetics contain suspected carcinogens (which are are banned in the E.U.) twice a year the company sponsors breast cancer walk-a-thons.

Regret

I'm not normally one to regret much that I say or do, however, I do regret writing a particular blog last month. I had written a blog about how my mom pushes my buttons, not realizing that her reading my words would impact her to the extent that it has to this day. I also feel like writing on this damn blogsite has been more of a curse than a blessing....like being too honest has created tension with others instead of bringing people together like I felt my old blogs used to do. I find myself writing less, having less to say, or thinking about whether what I have to say will come across with what the writing was intended for in the moment. I was supposed to write a blog today about the environment. I had something prepared to write, but now I think it would be crap. That, and I just don't feel motivated to write it. I'm not too happy with myself today.

Week one: mostly a success.

Well, I "survived" my first week of attempts at healthier living. Can't say I've been totally successful, but definitely have made improvements. I only ate "bad" foods twice this week, both times being when I ate out at a restaurant: once for Thai food (curry fried rice) and then last night for an avocado burrito and two margaritas. Other than that, I only had cheese/dairy twice this week (I think that's world record for me!). Ever since I found out about the true source of cheese, I find myself turned off by eating slices of cheese unless it's on a pizza. But maybe it's a good thing, to deter me from eating fattening cheese. I was also good about cutting back on the carb consumption. I've eaten a salad for lunch every day this week and have substituted Rice Dream "milk" in lieu of real milk on my super healthy Kashi cereal I've been eating for breakfast all week. Also have eaten more fruit throughout the week. And drank more water. AND only had two cups of coffee all week, which I normally drink once a day!

My skin looks almost flawless at the moment and very soft. I'm also feeling like my brain has more clarity to engage in psychological strategizing at work (hahaha). I've also been more joyful (aka not so cranky). Physically, I feel more "light" and bouncy, even less tension in the usual spots (neck and shoulders). I'm not sure if it's psychological or perhaps a side effect of my not drinking coffee much this week. In any case, it feels good.

We'll see how week two goes. At the risk of writing a boring blog about these new "habits," I think it can be beneficial for me in terms of keeping track of my progress. So if you find this boring to read, ignore. :)

Little projects

Some people hate brainstorming, making lists, starting and working on projects, meeting deadlines...anything involving a commitment of their time or energy. I'm not one of those people. In fact, I am beginning to think I thrive on all of the above. Sure, I have my lazy moments, but overall one could call me a go-getter. A teacher. A creator. A "life coach" of sorts. A writer (obviously). Maybe even in another lifetime, an event coordinator. Ha! I didn't realize just how happy and bouncy I've been the past week, or more aptly: Why I've been happy and bouncy. I feel like my old grad school self, the one who was always pushing herself (at times, effortlessly) to make something happen for herself personally and professionally.

What is it? LITTLE PROJECTS. I love little projects. They give you something to look forward to, no? My current little projects:

1. Looking for a job in Washington and brainstorming on how I could move out there by Spring of 2008.

2. A healthier lifestyle (see 'Simplicity' blog)

3. Raking up my CEUs with my once a month attendance at FREE (woo hoo!) clinical seminars....also going to a decent priced one this Sunday that sounds interesting.

4. Snatching up any writing ideas I can think of to keep up with the blogsite :) INCLUDING October 15's Blog Action Day: environmental issues.

5. Crossing my fingers I can pull off a fun Halloween costume for a friend of a friend's Halloween party coming up in a few weeks. I have a great idea, but it's a secret for now since it's tentative.

6. Fun, Fun, FUN and DIFFERENT way to celebrate the 'infamous' (haha) 30th birthday in a few months. Rajiv and I thought of it yesterday and I can't wait. Instead of SSDY ('same shit, different year'), we have come up with something original AND memorable.

7. Random opportunities to go nuts with my camera and mail photos to people...or print photos just for me. :)

Little projects. My cup runneth over.

Learned helplessness and empowering women.

According to Wikipedia, the definition of "learned helplessness" is as follows:

"Learned helplessness is a psychological condition in which a human being or an animal has learned to believe that it is helpless in a particular situation. It has come to believe that it has no control over its situation and that whatever it does is futile. As a result, the human being or the animal will stay passive in the face of an unpleasant, harmful or damaging situation, even when it does actually have the power to change its circumstances. Learned helplessness theory is the view that depression results from a perceived lack of control over the events in one's life, which may result from prior exposure to (actually or apparently) uncontrollable negative events."

Off and on I'll have some really powerful sessions with clients, both men and women. I was thinking today though about the difference between my typical sessions with men versus women. While I work well with both genders, I must say there is some kind of deeper therapist/client bond I tend to have with more female clients than male clients. Perhaps it is because I am a woman and can relate (or better understand) to various gender-related issues my female clients tend to grapple with: Pregnancy, Abortion, Balancing independence with relationships (romantic and otherwise), Menstruation/Menopause, Sexuality, Self-Esteem/Inner Beauty, Domestic Violence, Incest, Rape, Unhealed pain/wounds from the past, and learning to nurture ourselves as women just as importantly as caring/loving others in our life,etc.

It also goes back to "Learned Helplessness." I remember hearing once that when women go to health care providers, they don't tend to be taken as seriously by their doctor as men. Perhaps because women also tend to be so preoccupied nurturing others, they may let their own problems and pain fall by the wayside. Thus, here is where I come in to the picture: To listen, offer compassion, and remind them of CHOICES they can make at a time when things are seemingly bleak. I am sometimes almost moved to tears by some of the changes I see going on with my female clients, especially when I play even the most minute role in the process. Some recent examples:

Yesterday while in session, Client #1 showed me a picture of her beautiful six month old grandson....whom could have been aborted, had I not given my client information on the risks of a late-term pregnancy abortion to show her daughter. I'm not one to judge one's personal choices, but it's a weird feeling to know you played a role in someone's big decision like that.

After that session, Client #2 session involved a woman talking about relationship issues past and present, from family of origin (abuse) to lovers, to those with her own grown children. By the end of session, she tells me she feels better after talking to me and adds that she's not sure why she's so comfortable talking to me.....that she hasn't been able to open up with other counselors. "I don't know, there's something about you....you just seem so...nice."

Then today, I had a session with another woman who is clearly in a very abusive and destructive relationship....so much so that she is anxious and fearful he will find her and beat her (possibly kill her), especially when she has been taking the risk to come to the clinic the past few days. We talked about her physical safety (short-term and long-term plans) and setting her up to transfer to another clinic. She must have thanked me two or three times for helping her, saying no one else has been much help (as far as giving guidance and offering resourceful solutions). It was for this reason she further added somewhat teary-eyed that she didn't want to leave our clinic....likes/feels comfortable with me. As touched as I was, I emphatically reminded her of her self-worth and safety as the #1 priority...even if it means terminating our counselor/client relationship. And I also told her she can call me at work even after she leaves, at least at first, so I know how she is doing.

For as many endless psychology and counseling courses I've taken and even excellent, thorough clinical training I've received over the years for my career....nothing has been quite as powerful in my role as a therapist as just being "present" with my clients....through their anger, their pain, tears they shed, their denials, their responsible and irresponsible actions, laughter and life's sense of humor, aha(!) insights, secrets they reveal....90% of these powerful moments I attribute to my nurturing approach. And not just me nurturing them, but my teaching them the most healing thing they can do is nurture themselves: from "victim" persona to an empowered woman worthy of self-love.

Simplicity

How do you "un-know" something once you 'know' it? Well, I suppose there's the whole defense mechanism of denial, but otherwise...impossible. So what does one do with the new awareness once it has become a part of your knowledge? Live the new 'truth' to the best of your ability, as best as you realistically can in light of knowing your strengths, weaknesses and ability for "resilience." In short: making even the slightest modifications in various areas of your life can instill an overall significant positive change.

Perhaps I need to back up a bit and explain myself.....

The past few weeks I have been contemplating a more simplistic, eco-friendly way of living as I voraciously read books on this very topic. My friend Sara had mentioned having read the book "Skinny Bitch" months ago and for some reason, it came to my mind recently....and I asked her if I could borrow it. So when we met up to see a movie together last week, we did a book swap. She gave me "Skinny Bitch" and "Into the Wild" to read, while I gave her "I'm Not the New Me."

At first glance, "Skinny Bitch" seemed to be just another weight loss/health and diet kind of book. But the further I read on, my stomach growled in dismay and nauseousness at the purely disgusting and eye opening honest knowledge I was getting about the USDA and FDA's horrid food ingredient practices. It made me realize how little we, as consumers, know about what is in the food we chew and ignorantly, trustingly swallow. Food isn't the only thing we have been swallowing folks. The government's food industry practices are borderline unethical. By the time I finished this book, I was just about speechless. I found myself becoming paranoid to the point of obsession, checking the ingredient labels the last two days on everything from toothpaste to the cheese sitting on the shelf in my refrigerator. I almost grieved a loss for my blissful ignorance of food I most enjoyed, enjoying something in hindsight I didn't really know I was eating after all....besides the fact that it tasted good. But what if all the crap (processed/artificially modified foods, alcohol, cigarettes, ad infinitum) we are putting into our bodies is contributing to all the deadly diseases (like cancer) and other various ways in which our bodies feel shitty on an almost daily basis? Something that is preventable (for the most part) by watching what we ingest.

Now I'm not on a soapbox. If anything, I'm right there with ya looking up at said soapbox. I kept thinking to myself: "What do I do with this new information and still enjoy what life has to offer?" After reading "Into the Wild," I got to thinking more about a less complicated solution for myself: live more simple. Interestingly, both of these books seemed to emphasize extreme forms of simple living. "Skinny Bitch" has a somewhat pro-vegan agenda, something I cannot possibly fathom as a realistic lifestyle change for myself. And "Into the Wild," while a phenomenal story and admirable person....I cannot see myself surviving for two years without much to sustain me besides thumbing rides and wild potato plants for sustenance. What I CAN do (and you dear reader too!!) is think about what I CAN adjust and/or do without....and in the process, appreciate what I DO have and am as a person MORE!

You would be amazed how much more time and energy you have when you're not watching tv as much. Since I got my cable yanked away (damn Comcast, but maybe they've blessed me, so the verdict's still out) in early summertime, my thirst for reading is almost unquenchable! I've been reading more, connecting on the phone with people more (something I had stopped doing for awhile, relying almost solely on email/internet), exercising, taking pictures, and spending time with friends....or just with my own company.

You would also be amazed how much more "light," healthy, and energetic you feel when you're not overloading your body with junk food, caffeine, alcohol, too many dairy products and carbs,etc. I am usually a hardcore coffee drinker, every day. The last three days I have been weening myself off of daily doses (can't say I'm strong enough to cut coffee out completely) in favor of green tea after I rise and shine in the morning. I've also been eating a salad either for lunch or dinner. Call it psychological, but I DO feel better and less lethargic. Yesterday afternoon I was amazed to find myself wide awake, reading another new book at a Starbuck's (yes, I had a small mocha frappucino, but I enjoyed it and drank it very slowly) for awhile before venturing out for a 45 minute walk along the lakefront all the way to downtown.

This brings me to the next interesting book I just started: "Not Buying It." My friend Melissa recommended this book to me when I talked with her a week or so ago. The author, Judith Levine (along with her significant other, Paul), decides to take a challenging 12 month journey into a non-consumer driven kind of existence. Quite fascinating to read and even ponder for myself.

Daily American living depends, no LIVES off of the reliability of others consuming....well, anything! They are curious to see if they can forgo the 'luxuries' of consumerism ("wants" and desires), only purchasing the necessities ("needs," such as toilet paper, conventional food,etc). No tickets to the movies. No going out to eat at restaurants. No shopping for ostentatious items. Think you could do this, dear reader? Maybe. But for a year? Hmmm, I wonder. I'm only 75 pages in, but I'm hooked.

Think about it. Consumerism has a psychological basis for its sometimes unhealthy and perpetuating cycle...not so much a desire FOR the 'thing,' but for how pursuing and accumulating it makes us feel about ourselves....either in comparison or contrast to others...or just individually. Turns out, no matter how old we get, it all goes back to those formative years of having that new hip article of clothing, or the hottest new vehicle. How silly is that though? And can we find a more enduring sense of purpose and happiness free from materialistic means?

It got me to thinking about one summer, back in 2001, when I didn't have much money to my name. I wasn't working, didn't have a place of my own, and even took "showers" (in my bathing suit) right outside of the RV I was living in at the time with my mom and stepdad in rural Kentucky. Like I said, it was a penniless summer. It's not something most people know about me (until now). Surprisingly, however, I wasn't all that unhappy. I went swimming every day in the nearby motel pool, read ALOT of books, wrote in my journal, and had time to figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life in its next anticipatory chapter (which ended up being my moving to Chicago). The point is, simple CAN be more refreshing. One doesn't have to be penniless to experience simplicity; that's not what I'm saying....but it doesn't have to include monetary factors either.

Needless to say, I'm currently in search of living more simply. Consume less and use my mind (and/or body) more. Less clutter and junk in my apartment. Less financial debt. Less alcohol, less caffeine, less dairy products and most difficult of all: less carbs. As time progresses, I know it will make a big difference, no matter how hard at first. More fruits, vegetables, and water. More reading, more walking/jogging/possibly even yoga, more sleep and more quiet. More appreciation of natural beauty.

Less complex. More...simple.

Witnessing rituals and other random things.

I hurriedly stepped out the door of my apartment building this morning a little after 5:15am. Looking down the street to my left and my right, I began walking across the street as I noticed no cars were coming towards me. As I walked between two parked cars and stepped onto the sidewalk, I turned left towards the bus stop. Shortly after making the turn, however, I was distracted by something a little unsettling...or at least to the images it then conjured in my imagination.

There is a former apartment building recently turned condo, but while it is in the process of being fully rehabbed and transformed condo-style, to outside onlookers it appears empty under lock and key. This is why when I approached near the front door of the building on my short walk to the bus stop, what I saw slightly gave me the creeps in wonderment. Resting on the ground right in front of the door was a medium sized black leather semi-professional looking bag or purse. The zipper was fully open and while I could not make out the inside contents, the bag appeared full from the outside. I spotted a few pieces of paper spilling outside the outer edges of the bag. The bag looked unisex, so I couldn't tell if the bag belonged to a man or a woman. Two to three feet away from that was a black hooded sweatshirt, carelessly sprawled in a disheveled heap. There didn't appear to be any signs of struggle to indicate an attack had taken place, but nevertheless, I instinctively turned around to look for any possible people near me....walking, running, or lurking....but no one. I unwittingly start concocting crime scenes in my mind. Stop, Katie! I do....but only because there are new eye-catchers in my midst.

Every time I step onto the #156 bus, I notice the baseball cap wearing bus driver's (who reminds me of Jeff Foxworthy) eyes are looking down at me....not at my face....but what appears to be my shoes. As I am all about comfort, I wear my comfy sneakers, flip flops or any other similar comfortable kinds of shoes on my way to work. Once at work, I do the switcheroo into my slip-on high heels. Perhaps I just look tacky with my professional work attire and the temporary comfort shoes in contrast. In any case, I have done it numerous times by now. One would think Jeff Foxworthy Bus Driver would be used to it by now....yet every morning, it's like he's seeing it for the first time. I've wanted to tell him "I change the shoes when I get to work ya know..." but I just walk on and sit in my usual seat.

Just as JFBD gives me the 'eye' of the shoes on a regular basis, I too curiously 'check out' one particular man now and again. A regular passenger who gets on at the Stockton stop just past Clark and Diversey, if all an individual could see was this man, one might wonder if it was a day that keeps repeating itself like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day." A rotund man who appears to be in his 50's, he dons the seemingly same outfit AND navy blue jacket every day. It doesn't stop there. EVERY day when he sits down in his seat, he goes through the same little idiosyncratic ritual. First, he fidgets from side to side, perhaps to refrain from sitting on his jacket too tightly. With both hands, he pulls down the front of his jacket nearest the zipper. He brushes his right hand across the top of his soft, wispy black hair and shakes his head a bit as it falls in place to his "just right" parting of the hair. Much better, he appears to be thinking. He looks settled. He closes his eyes for a moment. The ritual has ended.

I am fascinated, no matter how many times I witness this. And this is just him sitting on the bus. Just imagine what rituals he has going on at work, during mealtimes, home, bedtime. Ok, I'll stop, but only at the risk of sounding like his new stalker.

WiLd

See this movie, see this movie, SEE....THIS....MOVIE! I cannot stop raving about it. Funny thing is I went into the theater with no expectations and little knowledge of what exactly the movie was about. All I knew was that it's based upon a true story (same book title) by Jon Krakuer. I knew it had something to do with someone surviving out in nature, but that's about it. This movie profoundly touched me; I'm almost speechless. Wow. What is it about, you may ask?

What isn't it about?! I don't even know where to begin. I won't go too in depth because I don't want to give away the whole plot, ending,etc....but some of the themes and symbolism presented throughout the movie center around the main character Christopher McCandliss (or aka, self-proclaimed nickname "Alexander Super Tramp") and his quest for a meaningful, courageous, beautiful existence. It's about freedom and beauty. It's about him living his truth, whatever that may be at a given moment on his journey. It's about following one's bliss. It's about exploring the unknown....in all ways (physically/in nature, mentally, emotionally). It's about developing a strong and positive relationship with oneself regardless of others. Truly, overwhelmingly inspiring. I left the theater reflecting on my own life and how it challenged my own current perceptions of things. It also even gave me a crazy yearning to make a goal to pay off my credit card debt and once paid, quit my job in lieu of doing something off the beaten path...even if that just means taking a road trip into the wilderness, a challenging Outward Bound experience, maybe even something Peace-Corps like. It's not the first time I've thought about it, but this movie triggered those feelings in me after them being stagnant from the busy-ness of day-to-day living.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." ---Henry David Thoreau

These are the words the main character utters to fellow travelers he has met along the open road early on in the movie. Apparently he was always quoting the greats of literature, such as Thoreau, Tolstoy, Jack London,etc. The difference between him and us folks out there who may read something inspiring or deep and be moved by it...is that these philosophical approaches/ideas literally MOVED him to live his life to the fullest. Carpe Diem. Seize the day, he most certainly did!

Although he abandons his family to partake in the new journey and is alone a majority of the time, he seemed to spark more change within himself AND in others (including his parents) by his absence than when he was actually around them prior to the journey. Seem strange? If you think about it though, not really. How much do we take someone/something for granted until he/she/it is suddenly snatched away, gone? Interestingly, McCandless makes a comment to an older man he has befriended. When it's time to part ways, the grandfatherly figure tells him "I'm going to miss you." He responds in likewise fashion, but adds that there is more to one's life happiness than the relationships in our life. I found this to be extremely apropos to me, a reminder to me to take a step back and see the bigger picture of appreciating all life has to offer....which should not be limited to just experiences with people....nature as well. It's about learning things about oneself, exploring the unknown with a wanderlust for adventure! And when he does relate with people he has met along the way, he is totally in the moment with them and almost seems to experience a more authentic rapport in conversation with them because of it. It's like he's "soaking up" each life experience as it presents itself...a constant mindful meditation of sorts and taking risks...hell, even actively seeking the risks to take. That is true courage and freedom if I've ever seen it.

There's a funny part in the movie where he's talking to a guy (Vince Vaughn's character) at a bar, who is questioning his motives for this so-called journey and eventual goal to make it to Alaska. McCandless basically tells him he doesn't like how most people treat one another (and doesn't want to be that way).

"Just what kind of people are you talking about?" Vaughn's character asks.

...."parents, hypocrites, politicians....SOCIETY, SOCIETY, SOCIETY!" he exclaims like a madman. Hahaha, it was great!

Alot of people didn't understand why he made the choice to live as he did....but he didn't care. He was a freethinker, removing himself from what he felt to be societal chains in favor of an uncluttered mind and a chance to 'be' an active participant in his life experiences. Even if others think he is weird, crazy, selfish, even wonder if he's still alive because they haven't heard from him....he commits himself to finding his own way, regardless of the outcome. Astounding.

Paradoxically, he seems to set a living example in the process. He inspires others to question their own choices and live their own truths, whatever it may be for them (like he tells the old guy he doesn't have to stay at home and work in his workshop all day by himself....'get off your butt...start living!'). He plays a role (sometimes unbeknownst to him) in helping strangers/friendly 'roadies' confront their own fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. He seemed to live more fully (quality) than some people do in their chronologically long (quantity) lifetime. I am inspired. Did I say that already?!?!

I left the movie wondering about my own life...how I may be holding myself back from living totally. I wonder if I would stop fixating (or less) on relationships in my life and not make them such an important part of my identity if I didn't live in the city....say if I lived in a more desolate, "wild" area.... a place where I'd have the potential to 'empty' my mind on a continual basis....living alone and keeping it simple like this guy. How long could I go just "communing" with myself, being playful and imaginative? Would I miss my family, friends, and a comfortable lifestyle...or would I find my life more powerful and meaningful in such a 'raw' environment?

I am reminded of one of my favorite inspirational greats in the vast field of psychology: Abraham Maslow. I love his idea of self-actualization: "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. This is the need we may call self-actualization ... It refers to man's desire for fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become
actually in what he is potentially: to become everything that one
is capable of becoming ..."

McCandless' "Into the Wild" experience? A moving representation of self-actualization.

Watch this movie.

Boundaries

I remember specifically learning and discussing the topic of boundaries when I was in graduate school, but it was more theory than application....as with most psychological things one may learn on an intellectual level vs. in the practical sense. Since I'm all about balance (using intelligence with a great equal dose of common sense!), today I was afforded the opportunity to open this very topic in today's group with my clients...'food for thought.' It was fun to see how it translates in their everyday lives. Carol and I thought it would make for an interesting group topic and it certainly did!

I started off by giving a brief introduction on the definition of an actual boundary (ie, a barrier), whether it be physical (such as a wall, a fence,etc) or psychological in nature (a set of ideas, beliefs, feelings, attitudes that define one's identity individually...and collectively, in couple and/or group settings). I explained that boundaries can take on both negative AND positive connotations, depending on the individual(s) and the situation. For example, according to Family Systems theorist Murray Bowen, people can get caught up in the polarities of enmeshment (getting overly involved) and/or detachment (pretty self-explanatory, but in other words, being distant, aloof, lack of communication/understanding). Of course, living in a world with many shades of gray, neither extreme end of the continuum are all that healthy. In fact, looking at one's boundaries is one aspect family therapists utilize in their "detective work" in helping families work through their "dysfunctional" patterns to something more helpful and cohesive.

The main topic of boundary discussion today involved a very practical reality: parent/child boundaries. One of the clients talked about her own struggle with establishing consistent follow-through/boundaries with her 4 year old son. It was interesting to hear what she had to say...AND the response of another group member who called this woman out on the fact that it sounds like the 4 yr old is just spoiled! Ha. I love it. Most amazingly was the fact that it took someone else pointing it out for the woman to realize and admit the observation is likely true! I love groups; they can be such fun! I gave her feedback on power struggles (if you take away the 'buttons' from the child.....there won't be any buttons to push in the first place!) and facilitated other group members to give their own parental feedback/what has been helpful to them.

We also talked about boundaries in regard to physical and emotional abuse (and how to avoid it) in relationships.

All in all, I was quite pleased and found it to be a great experience. I guess I'm a little biased....happy with the intrinsic rewards of being a therapist and the boundary of positive change.

Is caring sometimes being able to let someone go?

As I was taking my morning shower earlier, I was feeling a bit sad as I thought about someone I have grown to care about. One may wonder why I would feel that way, considering my deep feelings. The sadness arises in my feeling of caring for someone whom I feel does not care about me anymore, something I just sense (I'm a very intuitive person, regardless of what someone does or does not say; I just "know"). What is strange about it is that it's not the individual I am most sad about, but not knowing whether to keep caring despite how I feel, or "let go." What do you do when you care more (or at all for that matter) than the other person?

Do you "wait it out" and see if the person changes his/her response towards you, stop paying attention to him/her (in a way, "ignore") or make the decision all on your own to push the individual out of your life altogether? It feels like none of the above seem to be favorable, positive responses for me.....so what's left? Do we as individuals really change that much or is just our feelings that change (how we feel about someone, our motivations, who/what inspires or challenges us at any given moment in time)? How do we keep ourselves from getting caught up in regrets and heartaches....to just live in the moment and courageously live with whatever each day brings (even if it means that particular person disappears from your life the very next day)? It's so easy to fall into expectation, something I still struggle with frequently in my life, no matter how hard I try to be cognizant of the fact and do otherwise.

A friend of mine recently told me that he no longer depends on anyone for his happiness, that he may enjoy someone, but therein lies the difference.......enjoyment with detachment of expectation. I absolutely agree; I just wish I could totally put this into practice. It reminds me of some old phrase I heard for the first time when I was in high school....something about 'If you love someone (but it's just not working out for whatever reason), let him/her go. If it was meant to be, he/she will come back to you (at some point).' Maybe it's the part about the person not returning that is too difficult for me to fathom at the moment, but perhaps it's time.....

Working with Polish Clients in therapy

I'm not quite sure why, but over the years I have had a particular intriguing fascination with multicultural issues/aspects of people. I think it's because one's differences seem more interesting than similarities, culturally speaking. Funny enough, I went into a seminar on "Working With the Polish Client" expecting to leave with more clinical insights/techniques geared towards counseling with Polish clientele....and left with no more than when I arrived (in that regard). I did, however, enjoy learning more about the historical roots of Poland and the understandable link between addiction and its people.

Presented by a Polish native, the seminar focused on how the social and political climate (particularly 1793-1918 being the worst, as Poland didn't even exist on the map during this time....territorial wars taking place with everyone wanting a "piece" of Poland) contributed to its inhabitants "adapting" to the stress in escapist ways (drugs and alcohol, especially vodka). In the past I remember wondering why many Poles would make a decision to immigrate to the US, of all countries. With all the deep seated mistrust and hopelessness of communist rule, the speaker pointed out that Polish people tend to admire other countries (like America) who fight for freedom and have a more free economy.

Interestingly, as much as I learned about historical stuff from the seminar, I was surprised to discover I already knew a majority of the things discussed from talking about these very specific cultural issues with one of my Polish clients I have been working with since Dec. 2005. A very interesting and intelligent guy, he has educated ME on his culture....by MY asking him questions. While it's great for clients to learn from me/what I can offer them in counseling, I'm also very humbled to say I learn very valuable things from some of them as well.

Who pushes your buttons....and why?

How is it that certain people can easily push our buttons, but then with most people it takes significantly more to send us to that proverbial "breaking point?" Is it because these lucky individuals (note slight sarcasm here!) are the far and few who really know our true selves, therefore we stubbornly resist embracing something "informative" they wish to share with us, well-intentioned or not? Or because they know us so well and likely vice versa....do we question whether they speak/respond out of a particular pattern/"history" of the relationship? And if it's merely a matter of reacting to old patterns instead of taking time to reflect on helpful information from an objective standpoint, how can one get rid of those bothersome buttons in order to remain true to oneself, yet still grow as a person?

These are questions I pondered this morning as I worked through "push button" reactions. You are probably wondering why I picked this particular picture to go with this blog....mainly because I wanted to post a picture of my mom and I, both of us at a younger age (a visual reminder of our chronological relationship "history" past and present)....and this is the only one I could find easily via online. In case you haven't put two and two together yet, my reflective thoughts about pushing buttons is related to someone who knows how to push my buttons quite easily every now and then: my mom.

When I was younger, we were frequently frustrated with one another, possibly because we both have stubborn/independent personalities. Interestingly though, over the years we have grown from having an argumentative relationship to that of a more supportive/friendship based relationship, one I value deeply....which is why it has been a little weird to find myself reverting back to "relating" habits of my childhood days, aka: frustration and annoyance, even if just temporarily.

Until recently, I can't remember the last time I felt annoyed or even pissed off with my mother. As I said, I love and respect her probably more than anyone else in my life. When it comes to particular issues/topics though, I feel like we come from different planets. This specific sensitive subject matter revolves around men/relationships. I'm already sensitive to that area of my life ANYWAY....then to add a well-intentioned mother to the mix who wishes to "help me see the light/error of my ways"....just compounds the whole thing. I won't go indepth to what really pushed my buttons, as my mother addressed various things in an email to me that ruffled my feathers...but here's one small example from aforementioned email.....

I was tempted to remove my last blog entry this morning, as she shared with me her feeling that it came across as me being ego-like, like I was bragging about men finding me attractive,etc. As tends to happen at times with my blogs/when I am open and honest expressing something about myself, someone may misunderstand or maybe they do understand but just don't like it.

My first reaction was that of being misunderstood and slightly annoyed to want to take it down, but then the more I thought about it, I realized...WHO CARES, even if it is my mother who says it! I know the intention of my post (to share an amusing/flattering thing that happened to me....out of confidence, NOT arrogance); that is all that matters. Writing blogs about personal things certainly is a lesson in humility. Call me a glutton for self-punishment (hopefully more like, self-awareness! hahaha).

Open and honest dialogue we have with our parents can most definitely be a double-edged sword...well, speaking for myself anyway. When one is a child, it is alot simpler to see things in a black and white mode. When one hits the adult years however, it's a whole lot murkier shade of gray....an unfamiliar territory that can catch you off guard as to how or why you respond the way you do when "problem solving mode" is front and center. There are times when I'm feeling frustrated, confused, upset about something in my life, times when it's so much easier to wish you could wave a magic wand and be told exactly what to do to solve the problem (I liken this to being a kid and your mom/dad giving you the answer). But then reality hits: I'm not a child....and not only that, I'm a strong-willed independent person. Deep down I like to figure things out for myself, even if that means pain, misery,etc. I have always been this way, even as a child. If I want to do something, I WILL do it. Both of my parents can easily attest to this. What I once considered a stubborn bratty quality within me, I now deem an inner strength.

I'm all about self-improvement, but I also respond better to positive encouragement, not negative reinforcement. I need not be reminded that I may not always take enough risks, I may not always face my fears with absolute boldness, and I certainly do not always make the most healthy/happy choices. I know this already. I guess what irritates me is those every once in awhile moments where you question whether someone sees you as you are in this very moment in time or if due to the "history" of the relationship (mother/daughter, father/daughter, etc), he or she flashes back to remembering how you were at 7, 10, 15, 21 years old, etc etc....and talks to you accordingly to such perceptions. I'm not a parent, so I really don't know the answer to this....but it still makes me wonder. I wish I could snap my fingers and wake up tomorrow with all the difficult issues I have "fixed" or "gone"....but it's not possible.

Interestingly, I am reading a book about misery vs. joy/happiness/bliss that has put things in perspective for me.....the book addresses the old adage "Misery loves company" or basically, misery is the "normal" way of being in society. But what to make of a joyful/blissful person? Bliss seems to be such a rarely observed phenomenon that usually when one witnesses such a person, they may be dubbed as crazy, insane. Remember when Tom Cruise jumped on top of the couch on Oprah back in the day when he professed his love for Katie Holmes? Ok, I have no idea if the guy was on drugs or not. And maybe he is crazy; I don't know him. But maybe he wasn't. Maybe we're just not accustomed to seeing people in such a joyful state.

I was proud of myself this morning, as I came up with a solution to my push button reactions. One of two scenarios can play out in the future: either not talk to her about subjects in which my buttons could be pushed (not likely, hahaha) OR the moment I feel a button is being pushed, remove myself from the feeling and ask myself if I would be so bothered if someone else were to make the same observation and/or well-intentioned suggestion?

Going the objective route may prove to be the best solution....not just for me, but for ALL you button pushers and those being pushed out there.

Psychological pandemonium

Yesterday afternoon while hanging out with my friend Scott, the topic of conversation turned to that of his recently having watched the 1967 classic, "The Graduate," starring Dustin Hoffman and legendary Anne Bancroft. Never having seen this movie myself, I quickly became curious and intrigued to check it out as I listened to him give his personal review of the movie....without giving away the plot and its ending. I believe his exact response to the movie was that of an "emotional break." I was a bit perplexed, as I thought it was just a movie about an older woman and a younger man having a sexual affair. Aside from that, I didn't know there were further layers to the storyline. Scott gave me the curiosity to go rent the movie at Hollywood Video within a few hours of him talking about it, once I got home. Wow, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Looks are deceiving. As my friend described, it is about SO much more than the infamous "Mrs. Robinson." Helluva haunting soundtrack to match too!

Perhaps one of the most psychologically disturbing movie classics of that time period (in my opinion!), I cannot recall feeling so emotionally involved with a psychological movie probably since I watched "A Clockwork Orange" when I was in undergrad college. Granted, not the same kind of movie, but the psychological insanity is quite similar. I could easily write a psychological analysis of the different themes and issues presented throughout the course of the movie. But it sorta still hurts my head thinking about it and I don't want to ruin it for ya if you haven't seen the movie yet. Phenomenal movie though, for sure! Check it out if you haven't already. Share your thoughts and I'll share mine.

Blame it on the ants

I can't resist sharing an amusing thing I heard at work today. One of my oddest characters, er, I mean clients (hahaha) called me around 7am this morning to tell me he wouldn't be able to make his 7:30am counseling appointment. Now, up until today, I always thought the most amusing anecdotes regarding him were when he came in with a plastic glove on his hand from some infection. Or the time he admitted he once stole a cake from Jewel (which then deemed him with the nickname "Cake Stealer" unbeknownst to him), but this one takes the cake...no pun intended. hehehe.

Today (are you ready for this, dear reader?) he tells me he can't make counseling because he has had an ant problem at home since Monday and he just can't leave his mother alone to deal with it, saying he needs to go to Walgreens to get something for it. Wow, that's a first. Using ants as an excuse to weasel his way out of having to talk with me. I wait for the day when someone can just say, "Ya know Katie, I'm just not feeling the counseling vibe today. Another day?" But then again, that wouldn't be as fun to laugh at.

Thanks for the laugh Mr. Antsy.

Relating vs. relationship

Yesterday I got to thinking about various conversations and experiences I have had with people over the past two weeks, which I will explain in further detail in a minute. After contemplating on the thoughts and feelings associated with it all, I was reminded of a book I recently read on intimacy and thought I would include some insightful quotes from it as part of this blog:

"Nobody can know who you are except you, yourself. They know only aspects, and those aspects are very superficial. They know only momentary moods; they cannot penetrate your center. Not even you lover can penetrate to the very core of your being. There you are utterly alone, and only there will you come to know who you are."

"Relationship is a thing: You cling to it. Relating is a flow, a movement, a process. You meet a person, you are loving because you have so much love to give---and the more you give, the more you have. This is relating: people meeting, sharing, moving, a nonpossessive quality, a nondominating quality. Otherwise love becomes a power trip."

"The moment you accept yourself you become open, you become vulnerable, you become receptive. The moment you accept yourself there is no need for any future because there is no need to improve upon anything. Then all is good, then all is good as it is."

Little did I know I would be applying the wisdom found in these words to my own life over the span of the past two weeks, somewhat joyfully and overwhelmingly. I'm not quite sure why, but I have been busier than usual this past weekend and the weekend prior to last, refreshingly. Usually I don't do much besides work, which may account for feeling a certain sense of dullness in my life alot of times. But then something happened: I started going on a few dates here and there, which I guess put me in a more happier and social state of mind because it flowed over into my ability to "relate" with others in my life, whether friends, family, coworkers, and clients.

At first, it took the form of more people emailing me more often. Then, it seemed all sorts of people were calling me out of the blue too! It was like they had this unexplainable desire to talk with me and me with them....a sharing between two people, if you will. And it wasn't just with one or two people; I started feeling this way with EVERYONE! I would find myself having conversations and/or experiences with others where for the first time, I was seeing a different aspect of the particular person...even he/she seeing a certain aspect of me. I started to think about how much more honest and authentic people are when they let go of the 'ego' and open the door to the vulnerability of true intimacy in human "relating" vs. the insecure/controlling confines of "relationship." I'm sure you're dying for some examples. So here are a few:

My dad recently had surgery on his shoulder and has been in alot of pain the past four weeks, which has left him quite dependent on my stepmother and stepsister to take care of him. What is interesting about this is the fact that my dad has always been the kind of person who has to be doing something, can't sit still. Whether it's building a toolshed in the backyard, tinkering with gadgets around the house, or playing with his camera/Photoshop, and/or his work as a cop, the man is virtually always busying himself. And now he can't. Yes, it's sad, but what's more is that I see a whole different side of my father: one of vulnerability and his struggle to get better, to regain his "independent" ways. I find such compassion and authenticity in that, if that makes any sense.

Feeling overwhelmed by lots of unpredictable things lately, I called and talked with my mom early Sunday morning as I soaked in the early morning sun by the lakefront. I wasn't sure if she would understand what was on my mind, thinking she may jump to "mom mode," but felt encouraged by her ability to share her perspective with me "woman to woman"....versus "mother" to "daughter." Relating vs. relationship!

Then there have been revealing conversations I have had with some male friends lately, some of which have included the topic of sex....they telling me experiences they have had, as well as my sharing aspects of myself (talking about my thoughts, feelings, and/or experiences in that regard, past and present). It was just so refreshing to feel a total unguardedness with them and them with me. Relating vs. relationship!

I had another experience recently with a friend whom I had an on again/off again crush on. For the most part, we have been friends for a year now. I knew he wasn't someone I would realistically date and I'm pretty sure he would say/feel the same way in regard to me, mainly just because as much as we are alike in some ways, we couldn't be more different in other ways. Nevertheless, an attraction of caring and loyalty to each other has remained strong. When we first met, we communicated alot through emails, which made it easier for both of us to open up about many different aspects of ourselves. Over time though, it diminished to more superficial contact...until this past weekend. We got a chance to spend more time together than we usually have the chance to do so. We both unexpectedly ended up sharing more vulnerable aspects of ourselves with one another. In the past, this would have scared the hell out of me, but with all of these culminating experiences of the last two weeks, I felt a contentment I cannot quite put into words. It was more of a comfort, a friendly unconditional kind of love...not just with him, though probably more so with him. Relating vs. relationship.

The theme of vulnerability has become a part of my daily life lately, EVEN AT WORK! Yesterday was a perfect example. I had just been talking to my coworker Manuela last week about a few former clients, just casually mentioning "I wonder how 'so and so' is doing these days...." Then around 9am yesterday, one of the very clients I had wondered about calls me to tell me how she's been doing....even thanking me for helping her end treatment successfully. Keep in mind this woman and I terminated our counseling "relationship" early October 2006! A year later and she calls me to "relate" with me. Wow. What really struck me was something she said along the lines of vulnerability, something like "We think we've all got it together/figured out, but we really don't. We have others around to remind us of that....it keeps me on my toes."

Later on in the day yesterday, I also had a client return after an almost 2 month medical absence. I decided to fit her in for a session, mainly just to followup with her on the progress of her medical conditions. Somehow, the topic steered off in a different direction and she began to delve into things from her past, things I didn't know about that she had never brought up before....even after counseling with her for over two years now. Relating vs. relationship....

I had to talk with my boss in his office before I left work (also, yup...yesterday!) regarding a recent conflictual situation I had with one of my clients, trying to figure out the best way to resolve the problem. In the midst of our hourlong conversation, I saw a different side of my boss for the first time. "I see some of myself, of who I used to be, in you," he said. I looked at him, taken aback in surprise. "Really? Why?" I ask. He goes on to say how he used to take things personally if a client didn't do well and how he had to learn to let go of his ego/thinking a client's problem was about him.....to have compassion for what brought them to need our help in the first place. He believes I am a good counselor, but my lack of experience is what makes my job still challenging, keeping me in "learning mode." I definitely have to agree; my lack of experience with all that drug addiction and its addicts entails gives me the deepest of insecurities at times. It doesn't help that it can be a very draining job....offering empathy and concern to those that can be completely selfish and even downright nasty in their social skills/ineptness at (lack of) relating with others. You tell yourself it's par for the course, but when you have 50+ people you're trying to help with such problems, it becomes more difficult to detach yourself mentally and emotionally at times. It's a very "human" (thinking and feeling) business. Weird as it sounds, it's even more weird to live and work it. But again, my boss somehow found an opportunity to "relate" with me vs. talking TO me from a "relationship" (boss vs. employee) standpoint that I found helpful, humbling, and refreshing. I find myself feeling a respect for him now that wasn't there before....because of it.

Relationships (of ANY kind: romantic, platonic, familial, professional, other personal "roles" we have with others,etc.) tend to carry expectation, anxiety, "chains" of one sort or another, metaphorically speaking. It has been my experience, however, that anyone can "relate," regardless of whether there is a relationship or not. And that represents such freedom, beauty, and joy to me. As stated by Osho in his "Intimacy" book, he uses the metaphor of a river to represent the idea of "relating." If that is so, to me, "relationships" are more like faucets and pipes....they may flow, but they have the propensity to get clogged, backed up, or stop working altogether. But a river....a river tends to always be flowing, calm on the inside, sparkling on the outside. And even when something may disturb the still waters now and then, it eventually goes back to that "flow" state. Notice you don't need a plumber to fix a river.

Let the river flow. Relate.

Vacationing at home can be just as fun!

Ever had the experience of feeling like you had the best holiday weekend "vacation" without leaving the city/town in which you reside? Such was the case for me over Labor Day weekend. I'm not sure if it's because I usually always work six days a week, or because I actually had some fun, interesting and exciting things going on. Perhaps a little bit of both.

Saturday was a very busy day, from the moment I got off work until my sleepy head hit the pillow at a time I am usually waking up for work in the morning! There was some drama that happened during the day, but nothing that wouldn't quickly become water under the bridge, so to speak. I was also able to get in a nice jog by the lake mid-afternoon before a blind date I would be meeting up with later on in the evening. In retrospect, I was glad I was able to fit exercise into my day. It definitely helped revitalize me with some much needed energy for what turned out to be a late night out. I didn't want to turn into an old lady and start yawning at 9pm on a Saturday night (especially on a date!), as is sadly usually the case these days. hahaha. We went to a few bars in the Wicker Park area I had not been to before that I really enjoyed. The atmosphere was definitely conducive for a first date kind of environment and the night ended quite pleasantly.

Early Sunday afternoon, I met up with Rajiv and Eddie for brunch and coffee at Clarke's in my neighborhood. True to form, fun restaurant with ongoing people watching potential....maybe a little too much. Eddie and I enjoyed watching a 10 year old girl walking in and outside from the restaurant patio chowing down on what appeared to be a piece of garlic bread or something. We were like, WTF? And then there was the screaming baby at the family of 12 table sitting five feet away from us. Fun times. No really, fun times (right Eddie?). We parted ways shortly thereafter. I went back to my place to relax for awhile. I called a few people back that had called me the day before, as well as made a few calls to people I had not talked to in a long time. I started to crash after that and attempted to take a nap, but no such luck. There's nothing worse than not being able to fall asleep when you're trying really hard to so....futile, in fact.

A few hours later, I headed to Rajiv and Eddie's housewarming party. It was the perfect kind of party because it wasn't too big, nor too small either. Good laughs and conversation seemed to be had by all and MUCH picture taking was involved (even though a majority of photos were later deleted to spare certain individuals, aka Rajiv, from post-party embarrassment! haha).

Though crashing on their couch was fine with me, I did have to contend with one loud crying kitty who was most likely confused that there was another "lady of the house" intruding on her and the other female cat's "territory." hahaha. After about 20 minutes of endless kitty crying, I had to think of a sneaky strategy fast: Must stash the cat (Molly) away in another room asap! So I exited the living room, walked down the hallway to where I see Molly sitting there. We are staring at each other, kitty eye to human eye. I am confident I can outwit her, or at least I hope....as I know I cannot outrun her! I decide the easiest way to go about it is to lure her into their office/computer room. I call out to her in my super sweet voice, that voice I reserve specifically for furry animals and young children. She sashays slowly into the room, as I make my way right past her to close the door. Ha! I did it. Success! Well, for the most part anyway. She then went on to bang the door with what sounded more like her body weight than just her little paws. I felt guilty, but this was quickly replaced with an overriding feeling of exhaustion. Guilt only goes so far. Katie MUST sleep.

I think I only ended up with a few hours of sleep, but better than constant kitty crying without any shut eye. Monday morning, the three of us found a cozy little French restaurant for breakfast in their neighborhood. Rajiv and I went through our photos and posted them online before I headed home.

Knowing I would be too tired to read or do anything that involved much thought, I decided to rent a movie along the way. Unfortunately (or fortunately!), its dull plot instilled an even more lethargic Katie. But hey, at least I finally got alot of sleep after a neverending weekend of fun and surprises.......