WiLd

See this movie, see this movie, SEE....THIS....MOVIE! I cannot stop raving about it. Funny thing is I went into the theater with no expectations and little knowledge of what exactly the movie was about. All I knew was that it's based upon a true story (same book title) by Jon Krakuer. I knew it had something to do with someone surviving out in nature, but that's about it. This movie profoundly touched me; I'm almost speechless. Wow. What is it about, you may ask?

What isn't it about?! I don't even know where to begin. I won't go too in depth because I don't want to give away the whole plot, ending,etc....but some of the themes and symbolism presented throughout the movie center around the main character Christopher McCandliss (or aka, self-proclaimed nickname "Alexander Super Tramp") and his quest for a meaningful, courageous, beautiful existence. It's about freedom and beauty. It's about him living his truth, whatever that may be at a given moment on his journey. It's about following one's bliss. It's about exploring the unknown....in all ways (physically/in nature, mentally, emotionally). It's about developing a strong and positive relationship with oneself regardless of others. Truly, overwhelmingly inspiring. I left the theater reflecting on my own life and how it challenged my own current perceptions of things. It also even gave me a crazy yearning to make a goal to pay off my credit card debt and once paid, quit my job in lieu of doing something off the beaten path...even if that just means taking a road trip into the wilderness, a challenging Outward Bound experience, maybe even something Peace-Corps like. It's not the first time I've thought about it, but this movie triggered those feelings in me after them being stagnant from the busy-ness of day-to-day living.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." ---Henry David Thoreau

These are the words the main character utters to fellow travelers he has met along the open road early on in the movie. Apparently he was always quoting the greats of literature, such as Thoreau, Tolstoy, Jack London,etc. The difference between him and us folks out there who may read something inspiring or deep and be moved by it...is that these philosophical approaches/ideas literally MOVED him to live his life to the fullest. Carpe Diem. Seize the day, he most certainly did!

Although he abandons his family to partake in the new journey and is alone a majority of the time, he seemed to spark more change within himself AND in others (including his parents) by his absence than when he was actually around them prior to the journey. Seem strange? If you think about it though, not really. How much do we take someone/something for granted until he/she/it is suddenly snatched away, gone? Interestingly, McCandless makes a comment to an older man he has befriended. When it's time to part ways, the grandfatherly figure tells him "I'm going to miss you." He responds in likewise fashion, but adds that there is more to one's life happiness than the relationships in our life. I found this to be extremely apropos to me, a reminder to me to take a step back and see the bigger picture of appreciating all life has to offer....which should not be limited to just experiences with people....nature as well. It's about learning things about oneself, exploring the unknown with a wanderlust for adventure! And when he does relate with people he has met along the way, he is totally in the moment with them and almost seems to experience a more authentic rapport in conversation with them because of it. It's like he's "soaking up" each life experience as it presents itself...a constant mindful meditation of sorts and taking risks...hell, even actively seeking the risks to take. That is true courage and freedom if I've ever seen it.

There's a funny part in the movie where he's talking to a guy (Vince Vaughn's character) at a bar, who is questioning his motives for this so-called journey and eventual goal to make it to Alaska. McCandless basically tells him he doesn't like how most people treat one another (and doesn't want to be that way).

"Just what kind of people are you talking about?" Vaughn's character asks.

...."parents, hypocrites, politicians....SOCIETY, SOCIETY, SOCIETY!" he exclaims like a madman. Hahaha, it was great!

Alot of people didn't understand why he made the choice to live as he did....but he didn't care. He was a freethinker, removing himself from what he felt to be societal chains in favor of an uncluttered mind and a chance to 'be' an active participant in his life experiences. Even if others think he is weird, crazy, selfish, even wonder if he's still alive because they haven't heard from him....he commits himself to finding his own way, regardless of the outcome. Astounding.

Paradoxically, he seems to set a living example in the process. He inspires others to question their own choices and live their own truths, whatever it may be for them (like he tells the old guy he doesn't have to stay at home and work in his workshop all day by himself....'get off your butt...start living!'). He plays a role (sometimes unbeknownst to him) in helping strangers/friendly 'roadies' confront their own fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. He seemed to live more fully (quality) than some people do in their chronologically long (quantity) lifetime. I am inspired. Did I say that already?!?!

I left the movie wondering about my own life...how I may be holding myself back from living totally. I wonder if I would stop fixating (or less) on relationships in my life and not make them such an important part of my identity if I didn't live in the city....say if I lived in a more desolate, "wild" area.... a place where I'd have the potential to 'empty' my mind on a continual basis....living alone and keeping it simple like this guy. How long could I go just "communing" with myself, being playful and imaginative? Would I miss my family, friends, and a comfortable lifestyle...or would I find my life more powerful and meaningful in such a 'raw' environment?

I am reminded of one of my favorite inspirational greats in the vast field of psychology: Abraham Maslow. I love his idea of self-actualization: "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. This is the need we may call self-actualization ... It refers to man's desire for fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become
actually in what he is potentially: to become everything that one
is capable of becoming ..."

McCandless' "Into the Wild" experience? A moving representation of self-actualization.

Watch this movie.

Boundaries

I remember specifically learning and discussing the topic of boundaries when I was in graduate school, but it was more theory than application....as with most psychological things one may learn on an intellectual level vs. in the practical sense. Since I'm all about balance (using intelligence with a great equal dose of common sense!), today I was afforded the opportunity to open this very topic in today's group with my clients...'food for thought.' It was fun to see how it translates in their everyday lives. Carol and I thought it would make for an interesting group topic and it certainly did!

I started off by giving a brief introduction on the definition of an actual boundary (ie, a barrier), whether it be physical (such as a wall, a fence,etc) or psychological in nature (a set of ideas, beliefs, feelings, attitudes that define one's identity individually...and collectively, in couple and/or group settings). I explained that boundaries can take on both negative AND positive connotations, depending on the individual(s) and the situation. For example, according to Family Systems theorist Murray Bowen, people can get caught up in the polarities of enmeshment (getting overly involved) and/or detachment (pretty self-explanatory, but in other words, being distant, aloof, lack of communication/understanding). Of course, living in a world with many shades of gray, neither extreme end of the continuum are all that healthy. In fact, looking at one's boundaries is one aspect family therapists utilize in their "detective work" in helping families work through their "dysfunctional" patterns to something more helpful and cohesive.

The main topic of boundary discussion today involved a very practical reality: parent/child boundaries. One of the clients talked about her own struggle with establishing consistent follow-through/boundaries with her 4 year old son. It was interesting to hear what she had to say...AND the response of another group member who called this woman out on the fact that it sounds like the 4 yr old is just spoiled! Ha. I love it. Most amazingly was the fact that it took someone else pointing it out for the woman to realize and admit the observation is likely true! I love groups; they can be such fun! I gave her feedback on power struggles (if you take away the 'buttons' from the child.....there won't be any buttons to push in the first place!) and facilitated other group members to give their own parental feedback/what has been helpful to them.

We also talked about boundaries in regard to physical and emotional abuse (and how to avoid it) in relationships.

All in all, I was quite pleased and found it to be a great experience. I guess I'm a little biased....happy with the intrinsic rewards of being a therapist and the boundary of positive change.

Is caring sometimes being able to let someone go?

As I was taking my morning shower earlier, I was feeling a bit sad as I thought about someone I have grown to care about. One may wonder why I would feel that way, considering my deep feelings. The sadness arises in my feeling of caring for someone whom I feel does not care about me anymore, something I just sense (I'm a very intuitive person, regardless of what someone does or does not say; I just "know"). What is strange about it is that it's not the individual I am most sad about, but not knowing whether to keep caring despite how I feel, or "let go." What do you do when you care more (or at all for that matter) than the other person?

Do you "wait it out" and see if the person changes his/her response towards you, stop paying attention to him/her (in a way, "ignore") or make the decision all on your own to push the individual out of your life altogether? It feels like none of the above seem to be favorable, positive responses for me.....so what's left? Do we as individuals really change that much or is just our feelings that change (how we feel about someone, our motivations, who/what inspires or challenges us at any given moment in time)? How do we keep ourselves from getting caught up in regrets and heartaches....to just live in the moment and courageously live with whatever each day brings (even if it means that particular person disappears from your life the very next day)? It's so easy to fall into expectation, something I still struggle with frequently in my life, no matter how hard I try to be cognizant of the fact and do otherwise.

A friend of mine recently told me that he no longer depends on anyone for his happiness, that he may enjoy someone, but therein lies the difference.......enjoyment with detachment of expectation. I absolutely agree; I just wish I could totally put this into practice. It reminds me of some old phrase I heard for the first time when I was in high school....something about 'If you love someone (but it's just not working out for whatever reason), let him/her go. If it was meant to be, he/she will come back to you (at some point).' Maybe it's the part about the person not returning that is too difficult for me to fathom at the moment, but perhaps it's time.....

Working with Polish Clients in therapy

I'm not quite sure why, but over the years I have had a particular intriguing fascination with multicultural issues/aspects of people. I think it's because one's differences seem more interesting than similarities, culturally speaking. Funny enough, I went into a seminar on "Working With the Polish Client" expecting to leave with more clinical insights/techniques geared towards counseling with Polish clientele....and left with no more than when I arrived (in that regard). I did, however, enjoy learning more about the historical roots of Poland and the understandable link between addiction and its people.

Presented by a Polish native, the seminar focused on how the social and political climate (particularly 1793-1918 being the worst, as Poland didn't even exist on the map during this time....territorial wars taking place with everyone wanting a "piece" of Poland) contributed to its inhabitants "adapting" to the stress in escapist ways (drugs and alcohol, especially vodka). In the past I remember wondering why many Poles would make a decision to immigrate to the US, of all countries. With all the deep seated mistrust and hopelessness of communist rule, the speaker pointed out that Polish people tend to admire other countries (like America) who fight for freedom and have a more free economy.

Interestingly, as much as I learned about historical stuff from the seminar, I was surprised to discover I already knew a majority of the things discussed from talking about these very specific cultural issues with one of my Polish clients I have been working with since Dec. 2005. A very interesting and intelligent guy, he has educated ME on his culture....by MY asking him questions. While it's great for clients to learn from me/what I can offer them in counseling, I'm also very humbled to say I learn very valuable things from some of them as well.

Who pushes your buttons....and why?

How is it that certain people can easily push our buttons, but then with most people it takes significantly more to send us to that proverbial "breaking point?" Is it because these lucky individuals (note slight sarcasm here!) are the far and few who really know our true selves, therefore we stubbornly resist embracing something "informative" they wish to share with us, well-intentioned or not? Or because they know us so well and likely vice versa....do we question whether they speak/respond out of a particular pattern/"history" of the relationship? And if it's merely a matter of reacting to old patterns instead of taking time to reflect on helpful information from an objective standpoint, how can one get rid of those bothersome buttons in order to remain true to oneself, yet still grow as a person?

These are questions I pondered this morning as I worked through "push button" reactions. You are probably wondering why I picked this particular picture to go with this blog....mainly because I wanted to post a picture of my mom and I, both of us at a younger age (a visual reminder of our chronological relationship "history" past and present)....and this is the only one I could find easily via online. In case you haven't put two and two together yet, my reflective thoughts about pushing buttons is related to someone who knows how to push my buttons quite easily every now and then: my mom.

When I was younger, we were frequently frustrated with one another, possibly because we both have stubborn/independent personalities. Interestingly though, over the years we have grown from having an argumentative relationship to that of a more supportive/friendship based relationship, one I value deeply....which is why it has been a little weird to find myself reverting back to "relating" habits of my childhood days, aka: frustration and annoyance, even if just temporarily.

Until recently, I can't remember the last time I felt annoyed or even pissed off with my mother. As I said, I love and respect her probably more than anyone else in my life. When it comes to particular issues/topics though, I feel like we come from different planets. This specific sensitive subject matter revolves around men/relationships. I'm already sensitive to that area of my life ANYWAY....then to add a well-intentioned mother to the mix who wishes to "help me see the light/error of my ways"....just compounds the whole thing. I won't go indepth to what really pushed my buttons, as my mother addressed various things in an email to me that ruffled my feathers...but here's one small example from aforementioned email.....

I was tempted to remove my last blog entry this morning, as she shared with me her feeling that it came across as me being ego-like, like I was bragging about men finding me attractive,etc. As tends to happen at times with my blogs/when I am open and honest expressing something about myself, someone may misunderstand or maybe they do understand but just don't like it.

My first reaction was that of being misunderstood and slightly annoyed to want to take it down, but then the more I thought about it, I realized...WHO CARES, even if it is my mother who says it! I know the intention of my post (to share an amusing/flattering thing that happened to me....out of confidence, NOT arrogance); that is all that matters. Writing blogs about personal things certainly is a lesson in humility. Call me a glutton for self-punishment (hopefully more like, self-awareness! hahaha).

Open and honest dialogue we have with our parents can most definitely be a double-edged sword...well, speaking for myself anyway. When one is a child, it is alot simpler to see things in a black and white mode. When one hits the adult years however, it's a whole lot murkier shade of gray....an unfamiliar territory that can catch you off guard as to how or why you respond the way you do when "problem solving mode" is front and center. There are times when I'm feeling frustrated, confused, upset about something in my life, times when it's so much easier to wish you could wave a magic wand and be told exactly what to do to solve the problem (I liken this to being a kid and your mom/dad giving you the answer). But then reality hits: I'm not a child....and not only that, I'm a strong-willed independent person. Deep down I like to figure things out for myself, even if that means pain, misery,etc. I have always been this way, even as a child. If I want to do something, I WILL do it. Both of my parents can easily attest to this. What I once considered a stubborn bratty quality within me, I now deem an inner strength.

I'm all about self-improvement, but I also respond better to positive encouragement, not negative reinforcement. I need not be reminded that I may not always take enough risks, I may not always face my fears with absolute boldness, and I certainly do not always make the most healthy/happy choices. I know this already. I guess what irritates me is those every once in awhile moments where you question whether someone sees you as you are in this very moment in time or if due to the "history" of the relationship (mother/daughter, father/daughter, etc), he or she flashes back to remembering how you were at 7, 10, 15, 21 years old, etc etc....and talks to you accordingly to such perceptions. I'm not a parent, so I really don't know the answer to this....but it still makes me wonder. I wish I could snap my fingers and wake up tomorrow with all the difficult issues I have "fixed" or "gone"....but it's not possible.

Interestingly, I am reading a book about misery vs. joy/happiness/bliss that has put things in perspective for me.....the book addresses the old adage "Misery loves company" or basically, misery is the "normal" way of being in society. But what to make of a joyful/blissful person? Bliss seems to be such a rarely observed phenomenon that usually when one witnesses such a person, they may be dubbed as crazy, insane. Remember when Tom Cruise jumped on top of the couch on Oprah back in the day when he professed his love for Katie Holmes? Ok, I have no idea if the guy was on drugs or not. And maybe he is crazy; I don't know him. But maybe he wasn't. Maybe we're just not accustomed to seeing people in such a joyful state.

I was proud of myself this morning, as I came up with a solution to my push button reactions. One of two scenarios can play out in the future: either not talk to her about subjects in which my buttons could be pushed (not likely, hahaha) OR the moment I feel a button is being pushed, remove myself from the feeling and ask myself if I would be so bothered if someone else were to make the same observation and/or well-intentioned suggestion?

Going the objective route may prove to be the best solution....not just for me, but for ALL you button pushers and those being pushed out there.

Psychological pandemonium

Yesterday afternoon while hanging out with my friend Scott, the topic of conversation turned to that of his recently having watched the 1967 classic, "The Graduate," starring Dustin Hoffman and legendary Anne Bancroft. Never having seen this movie myself, I quickly became curious and intrigued to check it out as I listened to him give his personal review of the movie....without giving away the plot and its ending. I believe his exact response to the movie was that of an "emotional break." I was a bit perplexed, as I thought it was just a movie about an older woman and a younger man having a sexual affair. Aside from that, I didn't know there were further layers to the storyline. Scott gave me the curiosity to go rent the movie at Hollywood Video within a few hours of him talking about it, once I got home. Wow, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Looks are deceiving. As my friend described, it is about SO much more than the infamous "Mrs. Robinson." Helluva haunting soundtrack to match too!

Perhaps one of the most psychologically disturbing movie classics of that time period (in my opinion!), I cannot recall feeling so emotionally involved with a psychological movie probably since I watched "A Clockwork Orange" when I was in undergrad college. Granted, not the same kind of movie, but the psychological insanity is quite similar. I could easily write a psychological analysis of the different themes and issues presented throughout the course of the movie. But it sorta still hurts my head thinking about it and I don't want to ruin it for ya if you haven't seen the movie yet. Phenomenal movie though, for sure! Check it out if you haven't already. Share your thoughts and I'll share mine.

Blame it on the ants

I can't resist sharing an amusing thing I heard at work today. One of my oddest characters, er, I mean clients (hahaha) called me around 7am this morning to tell me he wouldn't be able to make his 7:30am counseling appointment. Now, up until today, I always thought the most amusing anecdotes regarding him were when he came in with a plastic glove on his hand from some infection. Or the time he admitted he once stole a cake from Jewel (which then deemed him with the nickname "Cake Stealer" unbeknownst to him), but this one takes the cake...no pun intended. hehehe.

Today (are you ready for this, dear reader?) he tells me he can't make counseling because he has had an ant problem at home since Monday and he just can't leave his mother alone to deal with it, saying he needs to go to Walgreens to get something for it. Wow, that's a first. Using ants as an excuse to weasel his way out of having to talk with me. I wait for the day when someone can just say, "Ya know Katie, I'm just not feeling the counseling vibe today. Another day?" But then again, that wouldn't be as fun to laugh at.

Thanks for the laugh Mr. Antsy.

Relating vs. relationship

Yesterday I got to thinking about various conversations and experiences I have had with people over the past two weeks, which I will explain in further detail in a minute. After contemplating on the thoughts and feelings associated with it all, I was reminded of a book I recently read on intimacy and thought I would include some insightful quotes from it as part of this blog:

"Nobody can know who you are except you, yourself. They know only aspects, and those aspects are very superficial. They know only momentary moods; they cannot penetrate your center. Not even you lover can penetrate to the very core of your being. There you are utterly alone, and only there will you come to know who you are."

"Relationship is a thing: You cling to it. Relating is a flow, a movement, a process. You meet a person, you are loving because you have so much love to give---and the more you give, the more you have. This is relating: people meeting, sharing, moving, a nonpossessive quality, a nondominating quality. Otherwise love becomes a power trip."

"The moment you accept yourself you become open, you become vulnerable, you become receptive. The moment you accept yourself there is no need for any future because there is no need to improve upon anything. Then all is good, then all is good as it is."

Little did I know I would be applying the wisdom found in these words to my own life over the span of the past two weeks, somewhat joyfully and overwhelmingly. I'm not quite sure why, but I have been busier than usual this past weekend and the weekend prior to last, refreshingly. Usually I don't do much besides work, which may account for feeling a certain sense of dullness in my life alot of times. But then something happened: I started going on a few dates here and there, which I guess put me in a more happier and social state of mind because it flowed over into my ability to "relate" with others in my life, whether friends, family, coworkers, and clients.

At first, it took the form of more people emailing me more often. Then, it seemed all sorts of people were calling me out of the blue too! It was like they had this unexplainable desire to talk with me and me with them....a sharing between two people, if you will. And it wasn't just with one or two people; I started feeling this way with EVERYONE! I would find myself having conversations and/or experiences with others where for the first time, I was seeing a different aspect of the particular person...even he/she seeing a certain aspect of me. I started to think about how much more honest and authentic people are when they let go of the 'ego' and open the door to the vulnerability of true intimacy in human "relating" vs. the insecure/controlling confines of "relationship." I'm sure you're dying for some examples. So here are a few:

My dad recently had surgery on his shoulder and has been in alot of pain the past four weeks, which has left him quite dependent on my stepmother and stepsister to take care of him. What is interesting about this is the fact that my dad has always been the kind of person who has to be doing something, can't sit still. Whether it's building a toolshed in the backyard, tinkering with gadgets around the house, or playing with his camera/Photoshop, and/or his work as a cop, the man is virtually always busying himself. And now he can't. Yes, it's sad, but what's more is that I see a whole different side of my father: one of vulnerability and his struggle to get better, to regain his "independent" ways. I find such compassion and authenticity in that, if that makes any sense.

Feeling overwhelmed by lots of unpredictable things lately, I called and talked with my mom early Sunday morning as I soaked in the early morning sun by the lakefront. I wasn't sure if she would understand what was on my mind, thinking she may jump to "mom mode," but felt encouraged by her ability to share her perspective with me "woman to woman"....versus "mother" to "daughter." Relating vs. relationship!

Then there have been revealing conversations I have had with some male friends lately, some of which have included the topic of sex....they telling me experiences they have had, as well as my sharing aspects of myself (talking about my thoughts, feelings, and/or experiences in that regard, past and present). It was just so refreshing to feel a total unguardedness with them and them with me. Relating vs. relationship!

I had another experience recently with a friend whom I had an on again/off again crush on. For the most part, we have been friends for a year now. I knew he wasn't someone I would realistically date and I'm pretty sure he would say/feel the same way in regard to me, mainly just because as much as we are alike in some ways, we couldn't be more different in other ways. Nevertheless, an attraction of caring and loyalty to each other has remained strong. When we first met, we communicated alot through emails, which made it easier for both of us to open up about many different aspects of ourselves. Over time though, it diminished to more superficial contact...until this past weekend. We got a chance to spend more time together than we usually have the chance to do so. We both unexpectedly ended up sharing more vulnerable aspects of ourselves with one another. In the past, this would have scared the hell out of me, but with all of these culminating experiences of the last two weeks, I felt a contentment I cannot quite put into words. It was more of a comfort, a friendly unconditional kind of love...not just with him, though probably more so with him. Relating vs. relationship.

The theme of vulnerability has become a part of my daily life lately, EVEN AT WORK! Yesterday was a perfect example. I had just been talking to my coworker Manuela last week about a few former clients, just casually mentioning "I wonder how 'so and so' is doing these days...." Then around 9am yesterday, one of the very clients I had wondered about calls me to tell me how she's been doing....even thanking me for helping her end treatment successfully. Keep in mind this woman and I terminated our counseling "relationship" early October 2006! A year later and she calls me to "relate" with me. Wow. What really struck me was something she said along the lines of vulnerability, something like "We think we've all got it together/figured out, but we really don't. We have others around to remind us of that....it keeps me on my toes."

Later on in the day yesterday, I also had a client return after an almost 2 month medical absence. I decided to fit her in for a session, mainly just to followup with her on the progress of her medical conditions. Somehow, the topic steered off in a different direction and she began to delve into things from her past, things I didn't know about that she had never brought up before....even after counseling with her for over two years now. Relating vs. relationship....

I had to talk with my boss in his office before I left work (also, yup...yesterday!) regarding a recent conflictual situation I had with one of my clients, trying to figure out the best way to resolve the problem. In the midst of our hourlong conversation, I saw a different side of my boss for the first time. "I see some of myself, of who I used to be, in you," he said. I looked at him, taken aback in surprise. "Really? Why?" I ask. He goes on to say how he used to take things personally if a client didn't do well and how he had to learn to let go of his ego/thinking a client's problem was about him.....to have compassion for what brought them to need our help in the first place. He believes I am a good counselor, but my lack of experience is what makes my job still challenging, keeping me in "learning mode." I definitely have to agree; my lack of experience with all that drug addiction and its addicts entails gives me the deepest of insecurities at times. It doesn't help that it can be a very draining job....offering empathy and concern to those that can be completely selfish and even downright nasty in their social skills/ineptness at (lack of) relating with others. You tell yourself it's par for the course, but when you have 50+ people you're trying to help with such problems, it becomes more difficult to detach yourself mentally and emotionally at times. It's a very "human" (thinking and feeling) business. Weird as it sounds, it's even more weird to live and work it. But again, my boss somehow found an opportunity to "relate" with me vs. talking TO me from a "relationship" (boss vs. employee) standpoint that I found helpful, humbling, and refreshing. I find myself feeling a respect for him now that wasn't there before....because of it.

Relationships (of ANY kind: romantic, platonic, familial, professional, other personal "roles" we have with others,etc.) tend to carry expectation, anxiety, "chains" of one sort or another, metaphorically speaking. It has been my experience, however, that anyone can "relate," regardless of whether there is a relationship or not. And that represents such freedom, beauty, and joy to me. As stated by Osho in his "Intimacy" book, he uses the metaphor of a river to represent the idea of "relating." If that is so, to me, "relationships" are more like faucets and pipes....they may flow, but they have the propensity to get clogged, backed up, or stop working altogether. But a river....a river tends to always be flowing, calm on the inside, sparkling on the outside. And even when something may disturb the still waters now and then, it eventually goes back to that "flow" state. Notice you don't need a plumber to fix a river.

Let the river flow. Relate.

Vacationing at home can be just as fun!

Ever had the experience of feeling like you had the best holiday weekend "vacation" without leaving the city/town in which you reside? Such was the case for me over Labor Day weekend. I'm not sure if it's because I usually always work six days a week, or because I actually had some fun, interesting and exciting things going on. Perhaps a little bit of both.

Saturday was a very busy day, from the moment I got off work until my sleepy head hit the pillow at a time I am usually waking up for work in the morning! There was some drama that happened during the day, but nothing that wouldn't quickly become water under the bridge, so to speak. I was also able to get in a nice jog by the lake mid-afternoon before a blind date I would be meeting up with later on in the evening. In retrospect, I was glad I was able to fit exercise into my day. It definitely helped revitalize me with some much needed energy for what turned out to be a late night out. I didn't want to turn into an old lady and start yawning at 9pm on a Saturday night (especially on a date!), as is sadly usually the case these days. hahaha. We went to a few bars in the Wicker Park area I had not been to before that I really enjoyed. The atmosphere was definitely conducive for a first date kind of environment and the night ended quite pleasantly.

Early Sunday afternoon, I met up with Rajiv and Eddie for brunch and coffee at Clarke's in my neighborhood. True to form, fun restaurant with ongoing people watching potential....maybe a little too much. Eddie and I enjoyed watching a 10 year old girl walking in and outside from the restaurant patio chowing down on what appeared to be a piece of garlic bread or something. We were like, WTF? And then there was the screaming baby at the family of 12 table sitting five feet away from us. Fun times. No really, fun times (right Eddie?). We parted ways shortly thereafter. I went back to my place to relax for awhile. I called a few people back that had called me the day before, as well as made a few calls to people I had not talked to in a long time. I started to crash after that and attempted to take a nap, but no such luck. There's nothing worse than not being able to fall asleep when you're trying really hard to so....futile, in fact.

A few hours later, I headed to Rajiv and Eddie's housewarming party. It was the perfect kind of party because it wasn't too big, nor too small either. Good laughs and conversation seemed to be had by all and MUCH picture taking was involved (even though a majority of photos were later deleted to spare certain individuals, aka Rajiv, from post-party embarrassment! haha).

Though crashing on their couch was fine with me, I did have to contend with one loud crying kitty who was most likely confused that there was another "lady of the house" intruding on her and the other female cat's "territory." hahaha. After about 20 minutes of endless kitty crying, I had to think of a sneaky strategy fast: Must stash the cat (Molly) away in another room asap! So I exited the living room, walked down the hallway to where I see Molly sitting there. We are staring at each other, kitty eye to human eye. I am confident I can outwit her, or at least I hope....as I know I cannot outrun her! I decide the easiest way to go about it is to lure her into their office/computer room. I call out to her in my super sweet voice, that voice I reserve specifically for furry animals and young children. She sashays slowly into the room, as I make my way right past her to close the door. Ha! I did it. Success! Well, for the most part anyway. She then went on to bang the door with what sounded more like her body weight than just her little paws. I felt guilty, but this was quickly replaced with an overriding feeling of exhaustion. Guilt only goes so far. Katie MUST sleep.

I think I only ended up with a few hours of sleep, but better than constant kitty crying without any shut eye. Monday morning, the three of us found a cozy little French restaurant for breakfast in their neighborhood. Rajiv and I went through our photos and posted them online before I headed home.

Knowing I would be too tired to read or do anything that involved much thought, I decided to rent a movie along the way. Unfortunately (or fortunately!), its dull plot instilled an even more lethargic Katie. But hey, at least I finally got alot of sleep after a neverending weekend of fun and surprises.......

In a city this big.....

How funny. When I look at this photo that I took a few years ago, I am almost convinced of the impossibility of randomly running into someone from my past. Living in a city of an estimated 3 million inhabitants, it can be quite easy to become complacent with a relatively "safe" anonymity. If there's someone you don't ever want to see again, it's not as hard as say living in a town of 300 or 3,000 where it's very likely to run into said person at the corner store getting a gallon of milk. Or so you'd think! Life sure does bring with it a warped sense of humor. My early Wednesday morning mishaps on the bus today are one such awkward, albeit oddly amusing example of such irony I cannot resist sharing.....

First, a little travel back in time to add flavor to today's amusement.....

When I first moved to Chicago, I dated this guy (Andrew) who was studying advertising with Miami Ad School and doing his internship at the prominent Leo Burnett advertising agency here in downtown Chicago. At the time, I guess I was as intrigued with what Andrew was doing as he seemed to be with himself. When I was dating him, I frequently tried to be something that I was not to appease him....at worst, I was a people pleaser with obviously little to no confidence in the relationship department. It was a very conflictual off and on relationship. He lived in Chicago for a few months, moved to a few different cities for school (Minneapolis, Miami,etc), and eventually moved back to Chicago permanently in 2004. We went out once shortly after his move in 2004, but then it became apparent that we couldn't do the whole friends thing and we cut ties completely.

There was one strange incident that occurred a year later when I first started my current job in 2005. I think my cell phone accidentally called his number when my phone was in my purse on the way to work (I didn't have his number still in my cell phone, but it must have still been in the memory somewhere) because he called minutes later. I was so confused at the time and it was only in hindsight that I realized the fluke situation. Funny enough though, he called me later that day and left a message. As I listened to his message, I began to notice he thought I was someone else....one of his coworkers or something, because he said something like "Ok, I'll see you at work later this week...." I had text messaged him back saying "This isn't your coworker Katie....this is the Katie you once dated." A few minutes pass and my phone beeps with a received message apologizing for the mistake. Dumb ass. Had he honestly had a long term memory lapse of that period of time in his life where he was dating me to not remember me? Alrightie then! Fine with me. Andrew then disappears from the radar of Katie's world completely since that time. This brings us to today: Wednesday, August 29, 2007 at approximately 5:24 am.

Katie is listening to music and sitting content as can be on the back of the #156 bus, the first bus of two buses she must take to get to work in the morning. About five minutes into the bus (a few stops past the Sheridan/Diversey stop), who does Katie see get on at the front of the bus: Andrew.

"Please God, no. Tell me it isn't so, that my sleepy eyes are deceiving me!" I immediately think it is ridiculously hilarious in a way, as every once in awhile I will think how funny it is that not ONCE have I run into him the past 3 years anywhere in the city. I have seen guys who at first glance I thought was him, but after a double take realized it was just an odd occurence of momentary mistaken identity, breathing a sigh of relief. No sighs (of relief anyway) today.

I think "Ok, he's going to sit down and won't even know that I am there/that I saw him. No....stop walking, oh shit, he's walking all the way to the back of the bus where I'm at. Crap. What do I say?" He almost glances my way as I almost consider doing the cordial thing (smile and say "Hi")....and then he completely fails to acknowledge me, sitting one seat in front of me on the left side (I was on the right side...obviously). I thought, this is REALLY awkward...and the longest #156 bus ride ever, even though it probably only lasted a total of 5-8 minutes.

In the 5-8 minutes of seemingly awkward eternity, I distracted myself by making the most of it with a "everything happens for a reason" mode of rationale. Again, I recognized the hilarity of it all, especially when I remembered the blog I wrote yesterday about dating revealing more about oneself than the other person....and finding a friend first in a dating partner. What was first an experience of anxiety, I found now to be replaced with relief of lessons learned. I KNOW I wouldn't have been happy with him in the long-term. Hell, I wasn't happy with him in the short term! And he was never even a good friend, slightly mediocre at best.

I pull the cord that signals to the bus driver "stop requested" for the next bus stop, eager to get off the bus and away from Andrew. I stand at the back door....as the bus keeps going. Great, the bus driver isn't stopping. It just keeps getting better. Sigh. I have to quickly walk up the aisle all the way to the front and alert the driver that I had requested to get off one block back. He apologizes. If he only knew that today of all days it would have been nice to get off at the stop without any interruptions. Oh well.

I step off the bus and as I stand there waiting for it to pass by me so that I can start sprinting the 2 minutes back to where I needed to be to make my second transfer bus....I look through the window and see Andrew looking RIGHT at me as the bus slowly drives past me. I knew it! I knew the jackass saw me.

Well, que sera sera insignificant ex-boyfriend. What a morning commute.....

Dating reveals more about you than the other person

As my dedicated blog readers may already know, I recently posted a blog about the trials and tribulations of the dating scene. I had vented about my own frustrations, more so about pre-dating confusion regarding the likelihood of compatibility between a new guy and myself. My friend Erika, however, pulled a Dr. Phil and basically told me I needed to get over some things and forge ahead anyway. At first, I was taken aback, but the more I thought about what she said...I realized she was right. I wasn't being a "dateless diva." I was being a wimp! It is always easier to pick out the flaws in others than to recognize and work on changing the things we don't like about ourselves, especially when it comes to dating!

Even though I didn't feel a strong connection in the handful of emails I exchanged with Chicago Reader's "Ariesguy2," I decided to follow the well-intentioned suggestion of my friend and give it a try...at least meet in person. Saturday night he called and we talked briefly to finalize plans: lunch at 1:00 at the Thai restaurant, Duck Walk....a short walk for me further down my street (his idea). I had been there once before, so I knew the food would be tasty. It was the other "unknown"-ness of it all that had my anxiety level gradually rising as it inched closer to 1:00. I'm definitely an open-minded person, but mixed with a subtle form of social anxiety....a challenging combination. I think I learned more about myself from this date than I ever learned about "Ariesguy."

Walking out of my apartment building with relative confidence, I found myself getting increasingly nervous, having shortness of breath, a slightly queasy stomach, and an overriding desire to turn around and go back home. The only thing that stopped me was not wanting to be an asshole and stand the guy up. I wondered, what is my problem? Why am I getting so nervous over a guy that I honestly didn't even think I'd feel a spark for? And is it normal to be that nervous or maybe I have some kind of social anxiety? I'm still not sure, as I have gone on other dates and not been nearly as nervous. Perhaps it is because I had not been on an actual date in a very long time....more a matter of feeling "rusty" at it, so to speak.

As I approached the restaurant, I spot a tall bald guy dressed in all black standing in front, looking around for someone. Even though I wasn't close enough to know for sure, I had a feeling it was him. I walked towards him with eye contact and a smile. I remember immediately thinking he seemed really tall to me...but I'm also very short! We walked into Duck Walk, a restaurant with a smaller, more intimate setting conducive to talking and relaxation. As Ariesguy talked, I looked at him and thought about how different he appeared than I perceived him to be from his online profile. I couldn't decide whether it was a good thing or not. It wasn't anything negative per se. I suppose in a good way, he challenged a stereotype I had unconsciously created of him based on what I knew from his online persona. In our emails, he seemed to me more of a sporty guy, having shared that he goes jogging four times a week, likes watching the Bears game on the weekends, and is currently playing with a local baseball league. I also knew he had a few piercings and at least one tattoo. I pictured him in my mind as being a cross between a jock and an alternative kind of rebel.

Sitting across from me, I could see two medium sized silver hoop earrings at the corner of his left eyebrow and a long black flame-like looking tattoo extending from underneath his sleeve onto the lower part of his left arm. He had an average build....neither fat, nor buff. Ariesguy talked about various things in a very mild-mannered way. It boggled my mind in a good way, as I had not personally observed this interesting combination in a guy before....or at least in my dating experiences. It made me realize that as much as I'd like to think I don't go into something with absolutely no preconceptions....I am prone to stereotyping just as much as the next person, sadly. Refreshingly, he didn't fit a "type." Unfortunately, I felt no spark. As open-minded as I was about him, I didn't feel us "clicking." At first I kept pushing myself to hang in there, that maybe I was being a jerk or superficial....but it wasn't even about physical attributes. It was about conversation...or more lack of that "clicking" feeling in conversation. No, there were no awkward pauses or "insert foot in mouth" moments (thankfully!), but if our date had been taped by a reality show....people probably would have been yawning at the both of us.

Being total opposites, we didn't have much in common to talk about. The only part of the conversation that was relatively interesting was when I was telling him my days of interacting with celebrities while working at Borders in the past and he shared his own story of seeing Billy Corgan at the bar Hogs N' Hunnies. Or how another time someone got him an autograph from the Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash.

When it came time to wrap up the lunch date and pay for the meal, I reached for my purse and asked how much I owed. "Don't worry about it, I got it," he said. I thanked him, but secretly felt bad he was paying for my meal when in my heart I knew at that point that I didn't want to go out with him again. Normally, I wouldn't feel that bad, but he was such a nice person. A few minutes later, we walked outside to part ways. He told me he had fun and that we'd have to do it again. I gave him a hug, said "yeah", and then parted with a "goodbye." How do you tell someone to their face, "No, sorry, I don't want to go out again...there's just no spark." I couldn't bring myself to do it.

As I walked home from my "Ariesguy" lunch, I realized maybe I DO have a type....not so much physically as in other ways: someone I find intellectually stimulating, fun/funny, similar interests and values as myself, creatively inclined, and/or someone who is in a "helping" profession like myself. Now I realize there isn't a person who will fit the bill on all of these kinds of qualities I like/prefer, but even just a few to go on will keep me intrigued enough beyond a first date. It's not just romantically either....the more I analyzed it over the past two days, I observed all the people I truly "click" with in my life have one or more of such qualities. One cannot get to a romantic level without first feeling a remote platonic kinship.

So maybe I have it all wrong....maybe dating is more about meeting up and finding a friend in that person whom you "click" with so that you CAN take it to that next level. Pretty simple concept, yet somehow it has been lost on me until now. Note to self: Keep it simple. Remember this on future dates Kate! With that said, I tentatively have a date with another guy from the Reader this next Saturday night. It will be interesting to see if I "click" with this one, as I have gotten that vibe from our online communication thus far.

If nothing else, I continue to learn more about myself with each experience and blog material to match.......

"Connecting" with each other in a postmodern world

Living in an age of rapidly expanding technology has become part and parcel of daily mainstream living. While it certainly has its benefits, one particular aspect of technology has me wondering lately if it is helping or hindering relationships we have with each other in the postmodern world.

Communication. Simple enough concept, right? Or is it? What is "normal" communication these days and does "normal" necessarily carry a positive connotation? It may not be "negative" either, but at the most...that of indifference. This past week I have thought about all the various relationships I have with people....family, friends, acquaintances, and potential dating possibilities. I thought about how many people I actually see in person or talk to on the phone on a regular or even semi-regular basis. The percentage was pretty low when I thought about it....sad? Most people in my life I communicate with via email and/or text messages. Ironic, considering I communicate with others in a more interpersonal way in my line of work....and the fact that some of the people I don't talk to on the phone are more easily accessible, not living far from me in physical distance. I have noticed that I, like many people I have observed lately, have become an internet and text message junkie.

Over the course of the past six to nine months, I have been sending and receiving a constant influx of text messages. Prior to last year, I don't think I really knew much about texting, or just didn't utilize that feature on my cell phone. I've been into writing (letters and emails) for years now, most notably since my undergrad college years, so that isn't a new behavior for me. What I don't understand is, how has text messaging and emails become more of a cultural norm these days than talking to someone on the phone? I realize there are some pros to text messages....if you need to ask someone a question, but don't want to bother them, it's more convenient to write a quick message or tell someone "hello". Even say something funny to make the other person laugh. But how much is TOO much? Must we text for EVERYTHING?The other day I was riding on the train and as I looked around, there were at least two or three people in front of me who appeared to be typing out text messages.

Does this form of communication help or hinder us in relationships? Is it a complement to an already meaningful relationship or has it become an unhealthy supplement of "false" connection between two people? Is having a conversation becoming a lost art to "chatting"? Why don't we talk to each other anymore? Even a majority of businesses have robotic voice options when you're trying to reach a human being through "customer service." I don't know about you, but how many times have you gone through the myriad of "press 1 for this, 2 for that" only to say to yourself aloud, "Can I talk to a person?!" Funnier still is that in an age where even children and teenagers tend to have their own cell phone, how many people across the board of different age groups are having conversations on the phone? Again, most times when I am sitting on the bus or train and have the "pleasure" of listening to someone gab, gab, gab on their cell phone, it sounds more like noise pollution to the passengers around the person than something worthwhile.

Yes, I suppose text messages and emails are "better than nothing," a little extra something to maintain a certain degree of "connecting" with each other, however, maybe we need to set our standards higher and put more effort into our communication patterns for the sake of a particular relationship. Just because we live in a society of morphing cultural norms doesn't mean we need to totally morph ourselves with it.

Without seeing and hearing each other through the visual and auditory senses, we are missing out on those wonderful things you can't get in an email or a text message: hearing the person laugh and/or their mood , their nonverbal behavior, their VOICE that makes them unique from a lifeless text message or impersonal email. This is especially true in the dating scene. In this particular situation, it is easy for two people to get mixed signals from one another. It can be confusing enough to figure out "does this person really like me, especially to continue dating me?" without adding in the element of texting to the mix. There has been more than one occasion in which I have wondered if texting was an easy way to not cut off contact with someone completely. You could still be "nice" and yet remain distant enough to be "safe" by sending a text here or there. Type out a sentence and hit 'send.' A one minute emotional and mental "investment" or a cop-out?

We only get as much back as we are putting in to a relationship. Sure, we might have lots of quantity, but what about quality? Are we sacrificing connection for instant gratification? There are very few people I know who don't seem to fall prey to this kind of phenomenon, my close friend Rajiv being one of them. I think one of the many things I love so much about him is that he prefers to talk and or see me rather than email and text. I hardly ever send him an email or a text and I can't remember the last time I received any from him either! Speaking as someone who has admitted to a certain degree of internet/text addiction, I'm not sure where to go from here, but I think the first step is awareness. I can only hope to take my friend's lead and become less dependent on the computer age to build and sustain the relationships in my life.

Summer

The warmth of sunshine beating down on my bare skin, sometimes leaving a glistening sweat that makes my overall appearance aglow with vibrant youthfulness. Slathering on Coconut Lime Verbena body lotion, only to smell like a margarita....and crave the real thing...with salt! Sipping iced green tea and sangrias with apple and orange slices. Biting into a sweet, dark red strawberry or juicy blueberries.

Watching sunrises with hues of pink and purple every day on my commute to work. Wandering around in flip flops and sunglasses. Exercising and relaxing by the lake. Visitors from out of town and visiting with Chicago friends who have more time on their hands than usual. Taking in the smells, sights and tastes of what the Farmer's Market has to offer....most notably, .50 cent CORN ON THE COB!! Bust out the butter and salt; I just can't get enough! Macaroni salad, potato salad, black bean and corn salad. Salad, salad, salad! These are a few of my Chicago summer favorites.

They don't call it "SENSE"-sual for nothing!

We have all heard that men tend to be visual creatures, especially when it comes to sex. What about women, what kind of creatures are we? While I certainly can't speak for all women, I can speak for myself.

I won't lie. Sure, I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one, however, what turns me on more are the other elements which I cannot see....now THAT is erotic. Call it a titillating thrill of the semi-unknown, but there's nothing I find more "hot" than a slightly suggestive comment....not raunchy, but subtle enough to drive my imagination wild. After all, isn't sexual enjoyment 90% mental? I totally believe that. Perhaps the reason so many people suffer from sexual problems/disorders is simply because they are not fully in the moment, engaging the senses.

You know what I'm talking about. When someone is looking to turn on and/or get turned on in the physical absence of the other, what is one of the first questions he or she asks of the other: "So, what are you wearing...?" While a cliche and cheesy question, it is the exchange between the two that can make the difference between a "fizzle" or a "SIZZLE" experience. You say too much and it becomes contrived, mechanical.....but with a vague simplicity of flirtation and creativity, well, I think you get my drift. Add an already great mental, emotional, and playful existing connection you have with the person, and....even better.

You don't need sex toys or over-the-top outfits from Frederick's of Hollywood to be satisfied, though I'm sure lovers may find it to be a fun little bonus to add to the pleasurable repertoire!

What you DO need and want, however, is totally free and at your disposal....if you pay attention! These are the things we all need to pay attention to: what you see (and DON'T see!), what you hear, and what you can smell, taste and touch. In short, being seduced by your senses.
What was that you asked, dear reader? "What am I wearing?" Well, I think I'll leave that to your imagination.....

Nerdy nostalgia and old junk

Seeing as I have been in a silly, playful mood the past few days (Yeah, don't ask...I have no idea why, I just embrace it! hahaha!), I thought I would post something silly and fun in a nerdy, nostalgic kind of way.

I don't tend to hang on to alot of material things (aka: JUNK!) throughout my life. I like to keep it simple, and after all, I live in a studio apartment, which forces me to throw even more stuff away if I don't want to feel claustrophobic! Strangely though, I'm one of those people who feels a definite parallel between how much "stuff" one accumulates in their home with how organized and simplified (or not) one's life will or can be.

Those that are hoarders (or to be more PC: "pack rats"...wait, IS that more PC?!?! Oh well.) may experience a sense of loss if forced to pitch that Target receipt or last year's beatup tshirt in the garbage...but not me. Ask my mother. She used to "scold" me numerous times over the years for getting rid of something, usually some article of clothing that was given to me as a gift, but nevertheless looked awful or not "me." I would tell her it wasn't personal, I just didn't need it! I suppose I should have done the humanitarian-like thing and at least donated the shit I didn't want, but what can I say: I'm just lazy. The garbage can is alot closer than the nearest thrift store. Even now, when my mom contemplates buying me something, she just has to throw in the whole "Well, you'll probably just throw it away...." in for good measure. I'm thinking, "Geez Mom, I'm not THAT bad!" Haha.

In fact, what is so quirky about me is what I do save. While I may not have clothing that dates back further than a year or even keep books I know for a fact I won't pick up off my bookshelf again except maybe to blow off dust while doing a little apartment cleaning.....I still have my old journals and spiral notebooks I wrote in since I was a teen up until present time. I also have all the pictures of old maps my high school US History teacher Mr. Swartz made us draw as one of the assigned class requirements. I think I kept them as proof that I do have an inkling of drawing abilities, even if it is just of world maps! I also have tons of papers I wrote in undergrad, as well as some from my undergrad days.....which brings me to something I thought would be fun to include in today's blog. Hehehe.

I think it was about a month ago. I happened to be wandering around my apartment, looking through old stuff during a humdrum day when I didn't have much else to do...something I tend to do now and then. I came across a paper I wrote for my English composition class freshman year at University of South Florida: September 1996, nearly eleven years ago!

I find it funny, considering my recent plunge into the blogger writing world. Once you see how horribly I wrote back then, maybe you'll begin to understand why it took me so long to get where I am today, more confident and happy with the content and quality of what I write. Even more ironic when I think about the handful of people who have told me I am "inspiring" and/or seem to have motivated them to creatively pursue their OWN writing endeavors.

But maybe it's not about being perfect, but being authentic, "warts and all" as my Mom would say! Sure, we are apt to idolize famous figures in media, history,etc....but in the end, isn't it the "Everyman/woman" that we can most identify with, someone who has had a common thought, feeling, or experience like the rest of us, even if not completely the same? With that said, read my paper (word for unedited word) and weep....with laughter. :)

(****Foreword: This paper is based on an actual embarrassing experience I had when I was the new nerdy, unfashionable kid in town my 5th grade year....though not quite so dramatic as the "picture I paint" in the paper! I'll spare you my English teacher's remarks, though amazingly, I still ended up with a B. I think my good vocabulary was the only thing that impressed him and saved my grade!)

"Children's behavior, in the 90's, is becoming more cruel. For example, name calling and excluding new quiet students from the crowd has become a fear for many in such a situation. Children mainly learn from television that certain behavior is accepted. In addition, some parents are not stressing the right values and moral standards in regards to human interaction. Children should be prepared before their essential school years arrive to treat other classmates with respect and kindness. It seems they are going from bad to worse as the years progress. I can recall a day that I received cruelty firsthand. It occurred when I moved to Great Bridge, Virginia. I was eleven years old and felt completely alone."

"I was an ordinary child, or so I thought. Later, I found out how vicious children could be. At the time, I lived in a close-knit town in Derry, New Hampshire. Everyone was friendly and helpful to one another. All the neighborhood children would get together after school or on the weekends to play, usually a few rounds of baseball or something similar. There was no fear about being singled out or condemned. There were my friends, no doubt about it. I was a fairly happy child. My grades in school were excellent and my social life was great too. Although my parents were divorced, I lived with my mother and brother, and loved them dearly. My mother dated a nice man I liked, Oliver, and they soon married in July. Unfortunately, his new job as a merchant marine required all of us to move to a new area, Great Bridge, Virginia."

"I struggled to adjust to all the overwhelming changes in my life and found it difficult to interact with the neighborhood children and even those in my class. They were different from my friendly crowd in Derry. They seemed to ahve an attitude and did not want me intruding on their social life. In addition, they thought I was strange. My clothes were odd, my northern accent was funny, and I was too school-oriented for them. I was definitely not a pocket protector nerd, but I still did not measure up to their upper class expectations. It became a major problem for me as my fifth grade year progressed. Besides being friendless in an unfamiliar new town, my grades were slipping. I was suffering emotionally and could not focus fully on my studies. So, of course, that also became a factor in my growing depression. My self esteem became very low, as I felt insecure more and more each day. Months later, after I had finally settled down and decided not to let it bother me, the whole situation came back to haunt me."

"On a wintery morning in late November, I slowly stepped onto the bus, for my usual daily route to school. As I proceeded to walk down the aisle full of quiet faces staring at me, the bus driver, Jim, accelerated on the gas pedal. I had a full load of books in my bag that carried much weight on my back. Unaware of Jim, I eagerly searched for a vacant seat. As he started to drive off, the bus jolted full speed ahead, and I was taken off guard. I fell backwards in the aisle! Already embarrassed by my fall, I tried to get up and realized I was stuck! I was not a child of wide bodily measurements. My heavy, oversized backpack was the source of my misfortune. The narrow aisle and my bag made it impossible to get up. Anxiety rose, as seconds turned to minutes, and no one offered a helping hand. Children from the front, extending to the very back, exchanged ridiculing remarks and looks of disbelief. Oblivious to my scenario, Jim kept driving nonchalantly. Since I had no friends to assist me, I laid there, in the middle of the aisle, for what seemed like an eternity. In my mind, I searched for a reasonable explanation. The silence was unbearable and the truth hurt more. My fellow classmates wanted nothing to do with me, including helping me up. Was I a monster? After all, I thought I was a human being. These people were cold-blooded, with no empathy for me at all. I should have resented them, but I pitied them instead. They had much to learn about human compassion. "

"As Jim pulled into the school parking lot, people in the first few rows gathered their belongings and exited the bus. Children behind me waited impatiently, expecting me to jump right up. Somehow, I managed to get my troublesome bag off my back and rose, totally mortified, to depart from the terrible incident."

"Reflecting back, I am glad it happened in some ways. I realize now, as a young adult, what it taught me about compassion and adapting to changes in life. Moreover, I can laugh at myself and view things from a different perspective. Life can be a little less complicated when you have a good sense of humor. Over the years, I have adapted to people's lifestyles and my friends, today, accept me the way I am."

One final word: "I can laugh at myself and view things from a different perspective. Life can be a little less complicated when you have a good sense of humor." Hmmm, some things never change. Haha.

Am I a dateless diva?

I've never really been one for dating. Some people love it, thrive on it even. I'm not one of those people. In fact, I pretty much have the opposite reaction. I loathe the "game" feel of it all and can go for long stretches of time without even going on a date with a guy, especially the older I get. Yes, I do get lonely sometimes not being a part of the whole dating world, but I'm too lazy to put forth the superficial effort required to find the good ones in the endless pool of bachelor men. Maybe this is why I tend to have innocent crushes on my male friends by default. Having a guy in my life (even if it IS just a platonic friend) whom I can flirt, laugh, and have intelligent conversation with is better than going on insignificant dates with guys I'll likely never see again....

Does this make me an asshole or at the very least a pessimist in the dating realm? I don't know, maybe. But when you do the same thing over and over again, never getting any different results, you want to give up after awhile. A few months ago, someone suggested I try out a free local online dating website (Chicago Reader Matches). I thought, "eh, why not...what have I got to lose?" I posted a few pictures with an 'about me' section (which I even had a guy friend help me edit and "approve" for better marketing, er dating, success). I thought for sure this time it would be different....a transformation of my crappy luck from the past to more winning dating prospects. Or so I thought.

I received a few emails from a couple oddballs here and there. I read them, chuckled with amusement for a few minutes. And hit 'delete.' Then I got an email from another guy who was physically attractive and seemingly somewhat intelligent. He caught my eye and I gave it a chance. We emailed back and forth about four times last month. The emails weren't awful, but they were nothing to write home about either. I didn't feel like I had anything in common with this guy, especially when it came to his seemingly sporty fanaticism. I could only picture how our first date might go: he droning on and on about sports and how much he likes to work out.... me zoning out and trying to think of alternative topics of more bookish conversation (which may make him zone out). I wondered, why did he even email me? We're so different. I know they say opposites attract, but for me personally, 80% of the time I'm drawn to guys who are more similar to me than different. By the fourth email, I started to think more like a guy. He gave me his phone number and I didn't email him again after that. I also didn't hear from him either, until I got an email from him out of the blue yesterday. I haven't responded yet and not sure if I will. Better to cut it off in the beginning than drag things out just to be nice at first and having to explain giving mixed signals later on. Too much effort. Am I an asshole?

Three or four weeks go by and I had forgotten about my dating profile. I even thought about taking it down, another hassle off my to-do list since nothing exciting was happening. Then, last week I get an email from a new guy who seems to have slightly more in common with me. We have exchanged 5 emails thus far. I think 4 or 5 emails has become the set precedent (or determining factor if you will) whether I lose or gain interest. Sadly, I think I'm waning towards the losing interest again. Now, some of you may think "Katie, you're being too picky, blah blah blah." But no folks, not really. Being very UN-picky is what has landed me in trouble or heartbroken, pining away, ad infinitum MANY a times with the male species over the years. So if "picky" takes on a negative connotation, I'm willing to embrace that for alot less heartache and more time and effort in favor of other long lasting pursuits...pursuits with more positive odds for happiness and success. Does this make me an asshole to the dating world? A dateless diva???

Interestingly, my friend Sara wrote a blog on a similar experience recently where she struggled with "being honest vs. being nice" in regard to her attempt to tell a guy she went on a date with that she just wasn't feeling the spark, so to speak. I applauded her on her bold move! Why should a woman keep playing "nice" if it's not going to get anywhere? If a woman asserts herself in an honest way, she risks being pegged a "bitch," but if a guy does it....well, he's just being a guy. Gotta love the double standards...not for me, thank you.

I had a funny conversation with my friend Amber the other day about dating. We were lamenting about how we just don't have the patience to tolerate certain characteristics from potential dating suitors...like immaturity, codependent guys who latch right on to you after just a few dates (her recent experience), and boring guys who can't hold down an intelligent conversation. "We're just too good for these guys Katie." I told Amber I'm not sure we're "better" per se....we just haven't found "that" guy whom we "click" with that can offer just as much to us as we have to offer "Him." Sigh.

She joked how she's going to start her own website called "WhoWantsToBeMyBaby'sDaddy?.com." Hahaha. I think I'll hold off on that idea for awhile. Notice I said awhile. Ahhh, never a dull moment in life.

The movies in my mind

I awoke this morning to realize that I spent the whole night (or what felt like it) dreaming so much that I almost felt like I didn't really sleep at all. Haha. I do feel well rested though, so no worries.

I wonder if I ever look like this sleeping woman in the picture here. I have always loved this painting, though I sometimes ruin the beauty I observe in life by thinking too logically, like my thought "Man, her neck is really gonna hurt if she sleeps in that position for 7 or 8 hours straight!" But she looks good...that's all that matters, right? Haha.

I've been having alot of "transitional" dreams lately. And while I don't believe every dream I have in life has some existential symbolism for my life, it can be a telling reflection of what's going on in my life at the moment. Last night was no exception, even though what I can recall is only snippets of details. In the first dream, I was at my friend Bridget's house. I remember in the dream thinking that she looked alot older to me, like she had aged quite a bit. I even wondered if it was really my friend, maybe an older sibling of hers that I had mistaken for Bridget. She had apparently just had a baby and tragically, her husband had died shortly thereafter from some medical surgery gone horribly awry. I felt so sad for her, thinking her baby would grow up not knowing his father and how difficult it would be for her to be a single, widowed mother. That's all I remember of that part of the dream.

The next segment I hardly remember, but it involved me being in some dim lit office space area (I guess where I worked in the dream) and I think my boss was either leaving/going away or maybe I was the one who was leaving for whatever reason. He went into his office to sign my last paycheck.

Then the final part of my dreaming involved me being in a room with a group of five or six people, one of which was one of my clients (in real life) and the other my dad. All I remember is that everyone kept hugging me, sometimes repeatedly, like they were wishing me a "farewell," both excited for me and sad to see me go. My dad was the most upset and actually cried a little. I thought it was strange that he was crying because it was as if he was sad that he wasn't going to see me much, when all I could think of was that he never really saw me much to begin with, as we never really lived close to one another. I think my "mission" was to run in a marathon. No, I'm not kidding....that's the journey/goal I had set out to complete, though not sure why. That's all I remember. Then I woke up.

Wow, what an exhausting movie in my head...haha.

Challenging racial tendencies

(Note: The name of the following client has been changed to protect confidentiality)

I just had a very interesting session with one of my clients, the kind of session where I am reminded just how fascinating my job can be at times. I get the opportunity to talk about things with people that in most work situations would be frowned upon, possibly even deemed "politically incorrect." Yes, that's right....I'm talking about race. After my session was over, as I reflected on the discussion I had with one of my favorite clients, I was reminded of another favorite of mine....the phenomenal movie "Crash." A movie that aims to expose the shadowy, dark side of many different races, it also sets the stage for viewers to take a look at their own idiosyncratic prejudices....including taking a look at negative stereotypes perpetuated by one's own race. I won't go into the plot of the movie because if you haven't seen it, you must see for yourself.

What I would like to articulate, however, is the topic of discussion I had with my client. For the sake of making this easier to convey, let's just call my client "Jane." I have been seeing her for two years now. I don't think she even needs a counselor, as she has been clean for as long as I have known her!! A 44 year old strong minded and independent black woman, "Jane" is perhaps my most put together, intelligent, honest, witty, insightful, and articulate clients out of the about 50 clients on my caseload. Sometimes we will talk about what's going on with her work situation, other times it will be about her family relationships, her husband,etc. Whatever it may be, sessions with her always flow very easily and to be honest, I look forward to sessions with her! My coworker Carol and I joke off and on that if all our clients were like "Jane," our jobs would be so easy. Hahaha. Anyway, just giving a little background info on her and our rapport to set the scenario for what I'm about to describe as our discussion.

Somehow, and I'm trying to remember how this came up (this tends to happen...I usually can't remember how topics are broached...just happens with my magical therapist-like powers to get others to open up I guess...hahaha!) she brought up things she doesn't like about her race. She mentioned how she had once watched comedian Bernie Mac's standup show in which he talked about stereotypes of African Americans, which Jane listed aloud as she spoke to me: "that they can be lazy, will show up for a job at whatever time they want to, and that they don't seem to take care each other as a race." She told me that she tended to agree with him, based on experiences she has had. I questioned my client on the generalizations, challenging her perspective on her experiences...."Maybe it was just a particular person's personality, not really a race issue" I suggested. But Jane gave me a handful of examples to back up her belief that her race is "divided." She tells me one time when she got on the bus, a black male driver was very friendly and overly talkative with a white well-to-do Gucci bag carrying female in front of her. When Jane gave a cheery "Hello" to the driver too, however, according to my client, his demeanor changed to that of abrupt unfriendliness. Another example involved Jane going to McDonald's to get something to eat. She described being in line amongst 2 or 3 other people that were white and/or hispanic. Jane went to order with the young, black woman behind the counter, who Jane adamantally says saw Jane and overlooked her to take the order for the person after her. It also extends to Jane's experiences at work, where she has observed her black coworkers clocking in/returning from their break whenever they want to.

I looked quizzically at Jane, as it was clear to me that surely it wasn't anything she could have possibly been doing in all these scenarios (if you recall how I described her earlier: sociable, kind, intelligent,etc) to repeatedly keep experiencing such things. I asked her "If this is true, as you believe it to be (in your experience), why do you think your race doesn't want to help each other/take care of one another....a fear of success?" Jane wasn't entirely sure, though she did wonder whether children who grow up in ghettos really know much better/different if it's all they have experienced in their reality. Her bringing up the topic brought me to ask her something I had been pondering when I stumbled across a segment on "60 Minutes" Sunday night. It's rare that I will talk about things I have seen, read, watched,etc with my clients, but if I feel it is relevant to a session I am having with a client, once in awhile, I will add my own thoughts and observations on something. I told Jane that she brought up an interesting theory, though I wondered what she would think about this, as it seemed opposite of what I saw on the "60 Minutes" segment. Anderson Cooper was interviewing a few different people regarding why it is that hip hop/rap artists will not cooperate with police in capturing someone the artist may know have killed another musician in the industry, such as the late TuPac or Notorious BIG. He had asked one rapper (I can't remember the guy's name) that if he knew a serial killer was living next door to him, would he then be inclined to talk with police? The rapper said he would probably move, but would not go so far as to be a "snitch." I couldn't quite wrap my head around it and curiously asked Jane what she thought about that. Jane seemed to believe the hip hop/rap artists are just "covering their own ass" and that while they put on a tough front, are in actuality afraid someone will come after/kill them if they were to tell police, especially since they are more vulnerable targets as celebrities/performing concerts in public forums,etc. I thought it made sense, when Jane framed it that way. While race issues are definitely prevalent in society, when it comes to fears, vulnerabilities, and protecting oneself, we are all simply of the human race in that department.

After Jane left my office nearly an hour later, I thought about how refreshingly open and honest it was talking with her. I'm not sure whether her feelings and experiences on relations with her race will become more positive for her in the future, but what I do appreciate is the fact that a middle aged black woman and a young white woman can have such an open-minded discussion in a society where the media likes to sensationalize prejudice BETWEEN races. Maybe what makes us different on the outside has a powerful way of reminding us how much we are actually alike on the inside. It just goes to show that when you think you really know something, you really know nothing...and that is the greatest lesson to be learned.