Sliding doors

As I was driving home from my boyfriend's place tonight, I got to thinking how much my life feels a bit like the movie "Sliding Doors" the last two months....except instead of seeing two alternate realities of life based on choices made or not made, my alternate realities exist because of life circumstances that happened within close proximity to another. One amazing door opened shortly before another heartbreaking, tragic door closed.

I met my future boyfriend on October 23, 2012 and the best most loving friend I've ever had in my 35 years on this planet died November 19, 2012. As you may imagine, this turned my world completely upside down. I thought, "What the hell, universe? How could you open such an exciting door of possibility at the same time you took away the one person who often knew me and loved me better than I knew and loved myself?" This made absolutely no sense and totally fucked with my head, more so my heart. I felt angry. I felt confused. I felt guilty for focusing so much on this new man in my life and more so for being happy in his presence when I *should* have been in mourning 24/7 after Rajiv's death (or so that critical side of me told myself).

Two months later and it still feels weird, though I'm not going through extreme emotions anymore. Now I just find myself thinking of my life experiences and memories in terms of two significant time periods: "Before Dragos" and "After Rajiv." In order to understand the significance of these time periods, I must explain why I see my life via these 'sliding doors.'

Door #1, "Before Dragos" (there was Rajiv)

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have relationship issues (or lack thereof would be more apropos). One would think that most 35 year old women have had a plethora of significant other relationships, including even being married by that age. Not me.There have been men I briefly dated, exciting crushes that fizzled out/went nowhere, and developing feelings for male friends. All of them had two things in common: emotional unavailability and no prospect for long term potential.

Though I met my best friend Rajiv a year or two prior to approaching my 30's, he knew my terrible romantic history all too well. Not only did he know my history well, he had this almost magical power of predicting my romantic future (for good or bad) when I'd give him a snapshot of my experiences with a particular guy I was feeling unsure about at the time during our six and a half years of friendship. He was almost always right, my magic 8 ball best friend. "Outlook not so good." "Most likely." "Don't count on it."

While I usually felt clueless when it came to men romantically, Rajiv grounded me and brought me back to reality. His perspective always helped me in some way, even when he said something I didn't want to hear. In some strange way too, I feel like I got 'practice' to completely be myself with a man....open, honest, and intimately knowing one other (minus the romance/sex aspect). He didn't know it, but he was "preparing" me for an emotional intimacy I would soon also share with Dragos.

Here's where the sliding doors emerge.

Door #2 "After Rajiv" (Taking risks without my magic 8 ball)

It's now been 3 months since Dragos and I started dating, 3 weeks now into the 'in a relationship' stage. Rajiv died before I even had a chance to tell him about Dragos. The first man with whom I'm truly embarking on a new and exciting relationship (and chapter in my life) and the man whom loved me so completely unconditionally for the good, bad, ugly and everything in between....these two will never meet, will never know each other, will never know me through the eyes of the other. I will never get to share with Rajiv all the exciting "firsts" I have experienced or will experience with Dragos....or the various thoughts and feelings I have as the relationship progresses. I'll never have my magic 8 ball to give me the thumbs up or thumbs down on this man, though sometimes in my mind (when I'm spending time with Dragos) I picture Rajiv smiling at me or laughing with me.

Dragos will never know what a gift Rajiv gave me....that of feeling worthy of a caring, intimate relationship and capable of going beyond my comfort zone despite how scary it feels because the rewards far outweigh the perceived costs. Dragos will also never know how little things he says or does at times remind me of Rajiv in a funny or comforting way.

These sliding doors that initially gave me an existential crisis now give me an abundance of opportunities....that of love, meaning, growth, and most especially the confidence to become my own magic 8 ball.

Love you always and forever, Rajiv. "It is decidedly so."

Zone of comfort

The idea of 'comfort' can take different forms:

1. Physical comfort, such as: "This bed is incredibly comfortable. I could lay here for hours."

2. Mental comfort: "I feel comfortable talking to you; I can be myself with you."

3. Emotional comfort: That feeling of ease we have with people in our lives who we can fully express ourselves with...the good, bad, and the idiosyncrasies that distinguish us as unique individuals.

Physical comfort is the easiest to find. Mental comfort can be hard to find, but attainable. If you're really lucky, however, you'll find someone who provides 2-3 out of the 3.

I am reminded of one particular person who is within my zone of comfort, whether we have fun or do absolutely nothing at all.

Tracy and I go way back....well, 'way back' for me anyway: high school. Having moved around quite a bit throughout my lifetime, there are few friends I have known and been close to for longer than my college years.

Most of my close friends have only been around for 2 to 8 years. This may seem like a wide range of time for a long term quality friendship. Compared to how long I have known Tracy, however, it's a stark contrast. We have known each other almost 14 years.

We were in choir together. Worked at Randall's together. Hung out with the same crowd of friends. We have been there through hard times for each other. Know one another's dark secrets, strengths, and vulnerabilities. She knows more about my family than my other friends and I know quite a bit about hers. We sent each other cards and gifts when we lived far away. Visited her in college. Stood up for her in her wedding. Visited her when she lived in Portland and Omaha. And now....here we are, living near each other again after 14 years. I am beyond joyful. It's a bit surreal.

We spent today talking and laughing in her parent's living room. I had not seen her parents since her wedding 7 years ago and yet, it was as if it was just last week. Her parents are like my second family, and she like the sister I always wished I had when I was younger.

I'm not sure if it's partially because I've known her for half my lifetime (thus far); maybe there's a zone of comfort in that. She knows the high school me, the college me, the Chicago me, and the present Seattle me. She's seen different facets of me over the years, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

On my way home tonight, we (Tracy, Justin and I) were talking about who we were back in high school as opposed to now. Aside from the degree of our impulsivities, we reflected on the fact that we aren't that much different (essentially) now than we were back then...in a good way.

Change is a constant given in life. A true zone of comfort, however, is that which is constant in the midst of change. For me, her name is Tracy.

Intimacy is better than 'best'

I was thinking last night about how my friendships have changed over the years. Not too long ago, I was thinking it seemed to me that friendships get harder as one grows up into adulthood and it saddened me. After having a very honest, emotional and thought provoking conversation about this very subject with two very close friends of mine last night, I was filled with quite the opposite feeling though: gratitude. My feeling that friendships can be difficult certainly hasn't changed, but my outlook on it has shifted. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's a bad thing; it can be a very positive thing. At the risk of sounding cliche, the hardest and most challenging things in life can also provide us the most unconditional, priceless reward: love, compassion, hope, honesty, intimacy, and the capacity for profound growth/change (both within ourselves AND within our most meaningful relationships with others). My dinner with two friends last night started out normal, but felt anything but normal as I headed home, walking down my street and quietly contemplating these deeper matters.


Midway through dinner, my friend Rajiv (pictured here) and I got in a bit of a 'spat.' It bothered me more than it seemed to bother him and I was prepared to leave without finishing my meal because I was so upset. Something within myself stopped me though and I decided to stay. I'm glad I did. In the past, whenever I have felt I was being judged or attacked in any way by someone I considered a 'best' friend, I would go in retreat mode. One of my "best" friends from high school betrayed me so badly that I ended the friendship and haven't spoken to her since my last year of undergraduate college. It seemed like my "best" friends either loved me or they judged me. It was a foreign concept to me that a friend could do both and even more foreign, that it's perfectly alright and natural, healthy even, to be a mixture of the two. Still, I sometimes have a hard time knowing how to respond when arguments arise. I tend to think there's something wrong with the friendship if we're disagreeing, not seeing eye to eye. I have to step back and remind myself that conflict doesn't mean a friendship is in jeopardy. Rajiv has given me this gift in our friendship, the gift of a healthy argument. Don't get me wrong, I don't like it. I don't like arguing with ANYONE, let anyone those closest to me....but I have become more comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling because it usually brings us closer to understanding each other in the bigger scheme of things.


My friendships from my early to mid twenties have been shaped by the memories of what a 'best' friend has come to mean for me. I don't like the 'best friend' title anymore and if you know me well, you may notice I don't refer to any 'best' friends of mine. "Close," yes. "Best," no. When I have felt someone was my "best friend" in the past, I have been hurt, betrayed, and confused by what I felt were not genuine intentions. The term has come to have a negative connotation instead of a positive one. Instead, nowadays I like to use the word 'close' friend. The word carries more meaning for me and it leaves me feeling more hopeful of having a genuine and long lasting connection. I have had too many friendships when I was younger where it felt more like lip service, stereotypical and fake.


And now as I approach my thirties, it (friendship) has become so much more rich with intimacy. It simultaneously gives me great terror/anxiety and great joy! Last night, my friend Rajiv had pointed out things about me that he didn't like or found annoying. It really hurt my feelings and it wasn't so much what he was telling me. I kept trying to drill into his head that it was the way he comes across when he has something honest to say. I value honest feedback, but it's all in the approach. Seeing as he and I can both be stubborn about getting our point across (must be a Sagittarian thing, hahaha!), I think he and I could both work on how we communicate with each other. With a good give and take between us though, it's something that we can work on. After raising our voices and brief tears on my part, we were able to work past the argument and have a very interesting conversation about the vulnerabilities of friendship and how scary it can be to open yourself up to a friend in an intimate way. As much as it scares me, I still want it: an 'intimate friend.' So I push myself past the discomfort and look at what's really going on.

It may not happen right away, but our ability to intimately share things with others that may initially be uncomfortable to hear can reap something greater in the long run: knowing that you can still be yourself and no matter how good, bad, or unpredictable that may be, you are still loved for who you are. "Best" friends fade. "Intimate" friends are in it for the long haul.

Interestingly, I just had a session with a client this morning and something he said stuck with me as the perfect analogy for the theme of intimate friendships. He was talking about his pet lovebirds, how they will fight with each other in their cage one minute, and then be kissing each other the next. I laughed and told him that maybe there's something we humans can learn from lovebirds....that even if you're upset with someone you love in one moment, you can be reminded of why you love that same person in the next moment....to kiss and make up. And that's more real than one might possibly hope for in a friend.

With that said, I'd like to include a blog my friend Rajiv wrote last night about thoughts he had about friendship after our dinner discussion. My response to his blog follows, as well as my other close friend Eddie's response to his blog. Cheers to intimate friendships. :)

"What do friendships really mean?" (Rajiv)

I got to thinking about friendships tonite after I got home for dinner. Well, I have been thinking about it for a while now to put down my thoughts just so that, if not for anything else, I can read it again in a few years from now and would force me to think if I still believe in what I wrote today. I hope I do.

From since I was a little kid, being in the company of other kids my age would make me feel good. Being with other kids, playing with them, joking with them made me feel wanted and desired. I never really had a problem making friends at school. I consider myself a very friendly person, somebody who is easy to talk to, somebody who loves to listen and somebody who always is patient. I have been lucky to have had a few very good friends. And by friendships, I mean people I can open myself out to completely and let all my fears, all my inhibitions and all my true feelings out. A friend to me is somebody I will feel comfortable to be bare with, with all my feelings and all that I am feeling. There would nothing to be embarassed about, nothing to be scared about.

I know there are different kinds of friends we all have...friends we hang out with occasionally, friends we go out and have a couple of beers with and then there are friends who we can open ourselves out to completely with both the good and the ugly and would still feel assured in our hearts that they would accept us no matter what.

I have had friends of both kinds in the 31 years of my life. I am sure I am gonna meet a lot more people in my life and I hope I form a few good friendships with at least some of them. But, as I get older, I have realised something about myself that was probably something I have done subconsciously all along, just never realised it. I am the kind of person who believes in real friendships, people who stay with you through thick and thin. Maybe that is why I have a few friends, because I probably expect a lot from friendships. I have very high standards. Friends aren't just the people you connect with to go out and have a few drinks with or watch a movie or two and do small talk with. I mean all that is good, but I am the kind of person who gets tired of that easily. All through my years in grade school and high school and even my college years, I have made friends for the long-term, people I will remember till I die.

Sometimes it makes me wonder as I get older, is it just enough to have friends or do we really need 'more', by 'more' I mean friends who will not be afraid to say what they have to say for the greater good, or will they just succumb to the stereotype? I would personally have friends who would rather tell me how they really feel that just words I want to hear, because even though those words might sting in the beginning, I would know somebody really cared enough about me to have taken that step.

Maybe what I say is difficult to comprehend because none of us want to be lonely really. We all seek companinonships, but at the risk of sounding different...I would rather have just a couple friends who I can truly call my FRIENDS than just people who can fill my address book with.

My response:

Wonderfully spoken. :) And if I didn't answer your question last night, the people I am closest to in my life don't tell me what I want to hear....like I said, it's just the WAY they say something honestly. I too was thinking about friendships walking down my street to go home last night. This whole time I've been freaking out about my upcoming 30th birthday, last night I had the opposite reaction....one of gratitude.

My relationships are only getting better as the years progress, more of the kind you mention: the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable (I don't like to say 'ugly' because to me that word just sounds petty and relationships are more complex than that) all wrapped into one. I think the reason I get so uncomfortable and hurt by things you say at times is because when I was younger my friendships seemed to be 'all or nothing.' Either a friend loved me in a loyal way, or they betrayed/hurt me in some very harsh way. Contemplating this last night though, I realized maybe like Eddie was saying, I too am feeling my way through the dark of what it feels like to have a more 'real' intimate friendship....one that you can laugh with one day, but feel completely vulnerable and exposed with in a good AND scary way the next.

Funny enough, I was thinking about writing a blog about this subject today too....but I think you about covered it Rajiv. :) I still don't think I can live up to your high standards of friendship and part of me doesn't want to. I'm more the kind of person that meets people where they're at (mentally and emotionally), so I think that is why I get frustrated when I don't get that in return in friendships....but perhaps it's like we were talking about last night: we are just different people, and that's ok too.

As long as we can continue to be honest and respectful of one another (you, me, and anyone in a friendship really), friendship can only grow stronger from it. Love you, Katie

Eddie's response to Rajiv's blog:

I concur. Having wonderful, caring people around me often (namely you and Katie) has made it much easier for me to let go of people in my life who didn't have anything to offer. I fall into a rut easily - in many aspects of my life - and having certain 'friends' in my life for as long as I did was really leaving me with an empty feeling. I have far fewer friends now at 29 than I did ten or even five years ago - but you know what? I am happy with this. Like you said I would much rather have a few people in my life that really matter instead of just having people who fill my cell phone. That isn't to say that I don't still have a few friends who are like that - but far fewer than I used to.Ask most people who have 100 people in their cell phone, and they will say the same thing. Only a few really matter. The ones who call everybody they know their friend, well, let's not get into that right now!It's pretty easy. You expect A LOT out of friends because you have had a very hard time meeting people and making friends which turn out to be REAL friends. Your standards used to be lower, and after being blown off so many times, and knowing dysfunctional people, you decided that enough was enough - you were only going to surround yourself with people who mattered.