Are you stuck in 'the friend zone?'

I'm trying to remember the first time I heard someone use the term 'friend zone.' I believe it was back in 2007. Interesting twist....the person whom shared with me that he often gets stuck in 'the friend zone' with women also had me feeling as if I was stuck in the friend zone with him....despite the fact that it seemed like we both started off liking each other. Arghhh. Thus began the cycle that perpetuated ambiguity and confusion. What happened? Did I miss something along the way? And is it just me or do you hear people talk about the dreaded friend zone all too frequently nowadays?

How does one get stuck in the friend zone exactly? At what point does a flirtatious or magnetic attraction  become friendship and nothing more? Has the friend zone phenomenon always existed or is our current society responsible for its more frequent rate of prevalence? How much of it has to do with more ambiguous and liberal interactions between two people? Is the friend zone more likely to occur between two people of the opposite sex or is it a phenomenon just as prevalent in the gay community? And what (if any) is the connection between the friend zone and its evil twin 'friends with benefits?'

Unfortunately, I have no answers to these questions (sorry dear readers...I'm notorious for asking more questions than providing answers or solutions). I'm curious to hear what others think about this topic though.

I wonder if we're greedy when it comes to dating, courtship (does that even exist in the 21st century?!), sex, and monogamy vs. "keeping my options open." Or perhaps we become overwhelmed and paralyzed by too many choices. Then there's also the definition of friendship, one fraught with too many gray areas.....which at times can include too little patience for sexual tension and not enough for platonic endurance.

It can be easier to get stuck in the friend zone if you are interested in Person A, but there's also Person B, C, and D that you may be curious about or attracted to for a whole different host of reasons. You may not know what you want exactly or perhaps you're not confident enough. Or you're afraid to risk revealing the feelings you do have because you don't want it to take away from the strong friendship already in tact. Maybe you're not direct with communicating your thoughts, feelings, or agenda.

If you truly want to explore a more than friends relationship, either you or the other person has to speak up. It is wrong to assume that just because you're stuck in the friend zone (from your own perspective) that the other person wants to be in the friend zone with you. If neither person brings it up, both are to blame. You then must decide to either accept and appreciate the friendship without exploring that Pandora's Box...or the next time around when you find yourself in a similar predicament with another individual: Take a chance at being direct, even if it means falling flat on your face. You may get some scratches and bruises after the fall, but at least you'll pick yourself up off the ground knowing exactly where you stand: zone-free.

Technology and detriment to relationships

I've been thinking about this alot lately, and more so...I feel increasingly frustrated about this....

It relates to a blog I wrote about quite awhile ago ("Connecting in a Postmodern World", or something along those lines of a title), only this time around I feel like it extends beyond the realms of trying to navigate through a confusing realm of dating. No, this is so much broader and potentially detrimental to human relationships as a whole.

Can anyone remember a time pre-Internet and social networking sites? Remember when having a relationship (of ANY kind, whether with a friend, family member, significant other, neighbor or coworker) with someone was done the "old fashioned" way of talking to the person on the phone, spending one-on-one/face to face time, and/or doing community based activities? How often does this happen now? Unless you're living in a poor, rural area (aka third world country), I would venture to say that a majority of relationships in the 21st century do not look like this anymore. Instead, direct interpersonal contact has been replaced by indirect impersonal, disconnected contact more often than not. By this, I mean relationships have become negatively dependent upon technological mediums (whether texting, emails, and especially social networking sites) to develop and maintain relationships. I can much more easily tell you who was the last person to text me, email me and communicate with me via a social networking site and how frequently this occurs in a given day than I can recall the last time I received a phone call or meaningful "in person" contact with someone in my personal life.

While I cannot speak for everyone, my keen psychological observations lead me to the prediction that this is more the norm for a majority of people than the exception.

In some ways, technology has made communication incredibly expansive and it definitely has its positive aspects...don't get me wrong. Taken to the extreme, as with anything else in life, it has become toxic to human relationships in many ways. When an individual seems to be having more of a relationship with a computer than a real, live person...there's a problem. It can have profound effects on one's capacity to engage in meaningful dialogue, demonstrate critical thinking skills, social skills, and developing genuine intimacy in relationships. It can also affect one's mental, emotional, and physical health.

It also extends to impacting one's ability to be "real," vulnerable, authentic and raw in expressing oneself with another in "real life." I saw a clip for a PBS special recently. It was a program about differences between the generations and they had people of various ages talking about what is different about Gen Xers, baby boomers, and the current generation (Gen Y'ers?). One mid 30 to fortysomething woman said something about how young people are so consumed with communicating via technology (texts and social networking) that they have a hard time even making eye contact when face to face with someone. I could not agree with her more, although I don't see it quite so specific to just that generation.

What bothers me (and what I haven't quite figured out yet) is, how does one come to terms with this in their relationships when this is the cultural norm? I don't know how many times in the past couple of months I have genuinely yearned to talk on the phone and/or spend time with someone I care about (too many instances to count), only to find the individual doesn't want to talk/chooses to be "distant" in their contact with me (but is definitely more accessible to communicate with online or through texts) or is too busy to hang out. Granted, things happen in life and I don't expect someone to be available at the drop of a hat. If you know me, you know I am not demanding in my relationships with people. At the same time, human beings are social animals who need to be stimulated by all of their senses (seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and that 6th sense we call our intuition) and this includes our relationships.

I want more personal mediums in which to interact and communicate in my relationships. I want less of the current norm. Am I the only one who wants a return to this "old fashioned" way of having relationships? Do I put up with it, taking a 'this is better than nothing at all' attitude? Do I mourn the loss of the kind of relationship I would like to have with a particular person that just won't happen if he/she isn't willing to take it to the level I would like? And where do I find those that want more than a technologically based relationship?

It's pretty sad when the most meaningful conversation and face to face contact I have on a daily basis (on average) is with my clients...a surreal juxtaposition against my personal relationships that rely heavily on technology for a certain degree of staying "connected" in some way.