City walking

As I walked around Capitol Hill tonight, I got to thinking about the art of walking: how it brings out something in my personality that seems to lay dormant when I simply drive my car every day. Is it just me or is this true for most people?


If you've never had the experience of living in a walkable city (specifically taking public transportation and walking quite a bit as part of your daily ritual), you may not understand what I mean. It's almost as if there's a psychology of walking vs. a psychology of driving in cities....and each one brings out different personality traits, for me anyway. Not that I'm a totally different person, but I feel my persona is different maybe.

When I walk around a city like Seattle, Chicago, or New York City, it's as if all my senses are heightened in some strangely pleasant way. My eyes wander to the roads, the cars, the lights, the sky, people in front/around/behind/beside me, the restaurants, the bars, the street musicians, and the obscure little shops I wouldn't normally stumble across had I been driving. My nose picks up the scent of the cold winter air; my ears tune in to laughter, chatter, fire truck sirens, music spilling out as bar doors open and close. My footsteps happily occupy the sidewalks and crosswalks as my mind wanders further than my feet.

Walking somehow allows my mind freedom to expand, to reflect, to analyze, to ponder, to let go of inhibitions or expectations, to explore, to step outside the box, to feel like a part of the community...to live more in wonder. Walking also jogs my memory, reminding me of people and places from times past. A part of me wonders if I wrote more in Chicago because I walked more than I do in Seattle. Wandering around on foot in a city seems to be good for my spirit.

Driving, however, is more like a chore...it's something I dread doing, but I know it has to be done. It simply gets me from point A to point B. It is the antithesis of walking in almost all aspects. It doesn't encourage me to relax or take in my surroundings. It's the one activity that can get me a little aggressive....which is weird because I'm not usually aggressive at all; driving can bring out the jerk in me. When I drive, the goal is to get where I want to go as fast as possible. I always pay attention to breathtaking sunrises and sunsets when I'm driving, sure, but that's about as far as it goes. There's nothing creative and adventurous going on within me when I drive. In fact, most times I take the same exact driving routes and sometimes get anxiety when there are times I must find my way along confusing streets. It's as if my mind is so attuned to doing pleasant and fun things at a slower pace (while walking) that it will totally pass me by if I'm driving.

As much as my personality is different driving vs. walking, each serve their own purposes and come with their own rewards. When I lived in Chicago, I didn't have a car and so I never had the luxury (or choice) to drive when I wanted to do so. The great thing about living in Seattle is that I do have a car, which means I can have the best of what both walking and driving worlds have to offer.

The living moment

(Photo taken by me, July 2011)

Most of us tend to wake up every day and expect things to be the same they were yesterday, whether that be positive or negative. We live with a false sense of security or mindlessness of wash, rinse, and repeat, going through the motions of day to day living (our comfort zone perhaps?). It can be easy to lose sight of meaning, purpose, and/or gratitude when we're on the proverbial auto-pilot.

But what if tomorrow you woke up with a sense of true wonder instead, not knowing what the day has in store for you? Would you be more grateful for the people in your life and the beauty around you? Would you be more compassionate? More forgiving? More happy? Would you let the little things go? I know I would.

Every moment presents a unique opportunity for mindfulness, peace, and completeness. Yesterday and today have been particularly enriching reminders to me of living in the moment.

I live in a beautiful city, the most beautiful place I've lived thus far...Seattle. Now most mornings I begrudgingly head out to work dreading the rush hour gridlock on I-5. Yesterday morning, however, I couldn't take my eyes off the rays of sun pushing their way through the clouds off in the distant horizon of Bellevue to my left. It's a wonder I didn't get in an accident with how hypnotized I was by the tranquil morning sunrise in my midst. This morning was no exception, as I took in the beauty of mountains as a backdrop to the glow of the sun. How did I get so lucky to see something so gorgeous to start my day, right before my very eyes? Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, tonight I was walking to my car as the sun was setting and I was blown away by a virtual painting in the sky, brushstrokes of cloud lines dappled with patches of pink and purple. A camera could do it no justice.

My mindfulness also extends to relationships....being reminded of how quick things can change with people in our lives, in my own relationships as well as what others tell me of their relationships with partners, family, friends, colleagues...and in my profession, even clients we help. Today a friend of mine shared with me that one of his colleagues that is a year younger than him was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer....and one of my colleagues today found out suddenly that a client died. Funny enough, a movie I watched tonight also reminded me of this same theme. In "The High Cost of Living" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t1Vc6PfcMs), drug dealer Henry is living a mindless haphazard existence...until suddenly (!) he accidentally hits a pregnant woman with his car one night. I won't say anything more about the movie because it's astounding; you must see for yourself. It couldn't be a more apropos movie to represent what has become a helpful reminder to me not to take the simple (ie, beauty of a sunrise or sunset) nor the complex (ie, people in our lives) for granted.

Suddenly. Suddenly. Suddenly. It can change so fast. We don't expect to get tragic news, nor do we usually expect that the last time we see someone may very well be the last time. Granted, if we took this to the extreme in our lives it may make for a very morbid and paranoid outlook....but taken with a healthy sense of mindfulness and compassion, it can give us the opportunity to live more deeply (and paradoxically, more lightly) and love more fully.

"The living moment is everything." ~D.H. Lawrence

One big box on display, for all the world to see

Prior to computers encompassing a big part of our daily living, it was safer and easier to compartmentalize those aspects of your life you wish to be separated or private....a box for your work, a box for your family, a box for your friends, and a box for acquaintances or strangers. It was fairly easy to navigate through the boxes. If you were cool with one box knowing certain things about you, one or more of the other boxes didn't have to know about it. But then technology started infiltrating its way in, bulldozing those safe little boxes and replacing it with one big mingling social playing (or mining?) field. Boundaries started to become vague, sometimes even non-existent.

While you could once be choosy about self-disclosure with people in your various boxes, the mainstream popularity of sites like Google and Facebook opened up a can of worms regarding finding people, being found, and finding information about other people that they don't want out there for the whole world to see. This particularly hits home for me and while I cannot speak for my therapist friends or colleagues in depth, I know they go through similar thoughts and feelings on this issue. For therapists in particular this can be a thorny issue, and it's only getting harder to manage as technology continues to rapidly expand.

Let me back up to the year 2005, where the story begins for me. After graduating with an MA degree in 2005, I started working as an addictions counselor in a small office on the north side of Chicago. While it was an incredibly hard and challenging job, it also had one major perk. At this same time, I started writing blogs on the now seemingly obsolete site MySpace. My work hours were in the wee hours of the morning and there would be stretches of quiet downtime in between doing any work with clients. This allowed me the time, space, and opportunity to write about different things I happened to be thinking about or wanting to express. It was a way for me to share with my friends and also pass the time in a meaningful way. Social networking was in its infancy stages at that time. Clients rarely mentioned the importance or even functional use of computers in their everyday life, most probably didn't even have one. I felt safe with my boxes.

Several blog posts later (in 2007), a friend encouraged me to create my own blog page (this here) that would allow a potential audience of readers beyond my two small boxes of family and friends. I was apprehensive and nervous as I thought about what it would be like for the world wide web to read my thoughts and in a sense "know" me through my writing. It felt scary being perceived as a "writer" and the vulnerabilities that come with such a role, especially since I never considered myself a "real" writer. My boxes still felt pretty intact....looser, but intact. But then Facebook came along. The boxes started to disappear, or rather there was suddenly just one big box. Everyone from the various boxes were now all with me in the one box. And some lurked just right outside the box, mainly ones I never wanted to see or think about outside of work: clients.

I once had clients at my last job (2005) that didn't even have computers and now in 2011 I have clients who will frequently talk about Facebook. We no longer have private lives, but rather only private aspects to very public lives. I am now overly conscious and aware of what I put out there. It's harder to know if and when I should share or not share (Thank goodness for privacy settings that allow me to make myself invisible in some regards!). It used to be if a client asked me a personal question, they wouldn't know if I didn't tell them. I could freely pursue my photography and writing with reckless abandon. Self-expression felt liberating. I miss that feeling. It has been replaced with borderline paranoia, a neurotic feeling that likely won't disappear. I'm pretty sure my friends and family who aren't in the counseling field think I'm nuts on this particular issue, but they don't know/understand the dynamics of therapeutic relationships. They require certain boundaries and limitations you don't have or need in the relationships you have in your personal life...hence the dilemna and anxiety for what you can't control with technology rearing its sometimes ugly head.

Thinking I must not be the only therapist out there impacted by this issue, I curiously decided to do a little online research and see what has been written on the topic. Once again, I appear to be ahead of the curve on noticing this paradigm shift....I couldn't find anything written about it. The closest thing I could find was this: http://www.zurinstitute.com/internet_transparency.pdf. Even then, all this article talks about is the impact on the client not on the therapist's personal life (especially with the therapist's own creativity and self-expression).

Ever since my graduate school days I have had a way of picking topics that have never been written about, at least publicly/no research can be found on it. I'm compelled with curiosity to start talking to more of my therapist friends and colleagues about this now. Maybe I've had it all wrong on what my first book could/should be about. haha. If I were rich and had ample time, I could write books on all the issues or topics that haven't been written about and are incredibly relevant to the mainstream even though they don't know it yet.

Time to buy that lotto ticket and go back to my one big box of public living....

Lifestyle changes

Making changes to your lifestyle can be very challenging and yet can reap priceless positive results (in many aspects) if you have the persistence to stick with those changes for the long haul. I will admit, it is hard work. Mostly, however, 80-90% of making changes is mental.

If you can envision what it is you really want for yourself, you can then go about brainstorming the necessary steps you will need to follow to reach your goals. You must first believe that you are capable of attaining your long-term goals, no matter how difficult. Having patience and not judging yourself is incredibly important too. Beating yourself up for not doing "enough" or "perfectly" will only lead to discouragement. Give yourself room to make mistakes or what I like to call "making room for when life happens." Sure, you may want to aim for working out 4-5 days a week at the gym....but when you have a cold, have something come up at work, really want to devote your time to spending time with a friend or engaging in a hobby, or even have tons of other things in life that need your attention...it's not always possible. Life happens.

I used to be that person that would feel bad or guilty if I didn't stick to a regimen with my exercise, but now I can recognize that my life is easier and more fulfilling when I am not self-critical. I remind myself that I am focused on leading a healthy lifestyle, and that is an ongoing endeavor.

It's important to look at the bigger picture; the little things don't matter as much. Case in point: I am one to exercise four times a week, which I have been doing since January 2010. I do something different every day, combining weight training with my cardio (which currently includes biking, running, and dancing). Last week I couldn't do these workouts because I had alot going on in other areas of my life, including being out of town for the weekend. While I was disappointed I couldn't do the workouts, I reminded myself that I did get exercise with doing 4 hours worth of walking on the weekend and also had a chance to relax/rejuvenate. You're doing something wrong in your life if you're not taking some time to enjoy and have fun! Although it was a bit hard to get back into my weight training after having lapsed a whole week without it, I reminded myself that I was totally out of shape when I first started this lifestyle change of incorporating fitness into my life back in January 2010....so if I have come this far (losing fat and gaining muscle; starting from a size 16/"large" clothing to my almost size 11"medium" clothing) I can only get better. One week is no big deal.

My newest lifestyle change challenge? Changing my diet. While I find myself having some resistance to it, I know I will appreciate the change in the long run just as I have with making fitness a top priority.

For the most part, I eat healthy....but after hearing what some of my family members are doing with their diet I am totally motivated and inspired to take my own diet to the next healthy level. My dad and stepmom recently did a 3 week detox to cleanse their body of toxins, clean out their gut,etc. They also had some bloodwork done to find out if there are any foods to which they are allergic. It's amazing how not consuming specific foods (or adding certain foods) can drastically change how you look and feel! They shared with me the results of their bloodwork and now that they know of certain allergies, they can make adjustments to their diet accordingly for optimal health! I must admit, I am very much inspired by their efforts and as such, am motivated to start making changes to the foods I eat as well (ie, going with a Paleo diet)!

Exercise and diet (ie, eating healthy, not a "diet") are more than just "healthy choices." They can make the critical difference for your overall well-being....sleeping better, feeling happier, feeling more confident with yourself overall, feeling more attractive, being more alert, feeling "lighter" (vs. heavy/bloated/weighed down/physically sick in any way), having more energy to do various other things you need or want to do, having better mental and emotional health, feeling more connected in your relationships, and having more fun/taking life a little less seriously. The list of benefits is bountiful.

So take a risk. Get inspired and inspire others while you're at it. You'd be surprised how easy it can be to get others to jump on your lifestyle change bandwagon.

"Writer-reader" and nerdy fantasies

If it was possible for me to read a book in utero, I certainly would have done so. It's the only stage of my life that I haven't been a bookworm, and that was only because I didn't have a choice. No matter what is or isn't going on in my life, books are one of the very few constants that remain. As bizarre as it may sound, books bring me the utmost comfort and stimulation....almost always more than people. How many people would say that? Like I said, bizarre...but true! I find things in books I cannot always find in family, friends, or lovers: Honesty. Grit. Inspiration. Diverse perspectives on "uncomfortable" subjects. Passion. One's true inner thoughts and feelings. Wisdom. Acceptance and understanding.

When I'm curious about something and want to learn as much as I can about it, I read. When I want to get a feeling for what an individual has gone through in life, I read. When I'm feeling disgusted or discouraged by the things I don't like about humanity and need to feel hopeful, I read. When I need an escape from reality, I read. When I need to feel grounded, I read. When I need to feel like someone (ie, a writer) understands me because he/she has gone through "it" too, I read. Yes, I read, read, READ!!!!

Considering my love for books, I suppose it was inevitable that my voracious appetite would morph into it's other half: writing. I started writing in a journal when I was a teenager. Nothing noteworthy or thought provoking, of course....but it got my pen in hand busy across the pages. It wasn't so much that I wrote something great, just that I was writing at all. I've read books about creative writing, writing non-fiction and fiction....and various books will tell you it's crucial to write every day, even if it's more worthy of going in the trashcan than in your notebook. I used to think that was a bunch of nonsense, however, I'm starting to believe there's truth in there. It's not a coincidence that the most writing I've done in my life thus far has been during the time I wrote in the aforementioned notebooks and while working at a bookstore (Can a bookstore be a muse?). Altogether, this constitutes...15 years of my life?! I need to discipline myself to get back into writing as much as I did back then. I miss it deeply. *Sigh*

Writing down the mundane on a regular basis exercises your writing muscles. You can "sculpt" yourself into being a better writer....one that focuses on details, one that writes by showing rather than merely spitting out an otherwise great story in a boring cookie cutter way. It has also been my experience that keeping journals/notebooks for several years allowed me the freedom to be totally honest with myself. I knew no one else would read what I wrote; there was something liberating in that. I could reveal things in writing that I wouldn't or couldn't speak aloud to any person.

Writing and reading go hand in hand for me, two sides of the same coin. Writing allows me to speak, to give, to let go. With reading, I can listen; I can be a voyeur. Writing is giving; reading is receiving.

This brings me to "nerdy fantasies." I wonder if anyone else out there is like me in this regard. When I read a book that consumes me with intense delight, I have a tendency to become a little borderline weird fantasizing about the author....and I don't mean sexually. It doesn't matter if it's a male or female author. I have a sudden and strong urge. It goes something like this inside my head (what my favorite authors would hear if I could speak to them directly): "Am I related to you?! I thought I was the only one that felt that way. Why can't I know people in my life like you that think about the same crazy and weird shit as I do?! You're hilarious/smart/bold/creative. You have balls to be totally honest! Your writing shows a likeable quirky side; I wonder if that's a side of myself I could as easily convey? Can we be friends?! Maybe if I were to write in your midst, it could be this weird osmosis kind of thing that just being in your presence would trigger some amazing writing material from within me! I really wish we were best friends. Really. You're my hero. I love you. Is that creepy that I love you? I guess I don't really know you, but I feel like I do because of your writing..."

This is usually followed by my fantasizing about having lunch with the writer, picking his/her brain with my own selfish agenda...either for entertainment or knowledge. At the same time, in my fantasy the writer wants to know just as much about me as I want to know about him or her. I fantasize about what the writer does in his or her everyday life. Is this person as fun and interesting as the writing indicates? Nice or arrogant? Just as passionate and inspiring in other ways as in what he/she writes? Would I like this person as much if I did really know him/her? Is the fantasy better than the reality? What if the reality is better?!

Screw celebrities. They're so boring and overrated. I can't help but roll my eyes when a celeb stubbing their toe or planning their wedding makes headline news. Who cares? Not me. Sure, they can be attractive to look at on the big screen...but writers are the ones with true grit, true substance. Writers are the only "famous" people I truly yearn to meet and know.

I want to write my own book someday...and I secretly hope there's a "writer-reader" (a term I just now coined: an individual that has a passion for both writing and reading)) of my future book out there who will be having the same nerdy fantasies about me.

The Hidden Rules of Class

(At right: Taken from the 2010 U.S. Census)

The agency I work for requires my colleagues and I to complete specific online learning courses every 3-4 months this year. I'm guessing they perceive such requirements as a way to promote "professional growth." I say this loosely, as every course I have taken thus far for these agency reqs undermines our intelligence...not to mention our common sense of basic psychology. The course I completed on Thursday ("A Culture Centered Approach to Recovery"), however, amazingly had something semi-thought provoking within it. I got so excited about it that I actually spent the most time on this one aspect of the course, even eager to share it with others. I'm not sure if it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek, disturbing, amusing, or a combination of all three. Whatever the intent, it definitely challenged me to stop and reflect on an issue that tends to get overlooked or at the least, a societal problem that doesn't (yet) encourage open-mindedness and helpful solutions. It's interesting to see the different priorities, values, and/or potential stuck points of each class. Maybe if we shift our perspective, we can leave room for a paradigm shift on the challenges of those struggling in poverty and proceed with a more collaborative approach.

"People who grow up in poverty learn different things from people who grow up wealthy or in middle class. But most schools and businesses operate with middle-class norms, and most teachers and business people grew up learning the hidden rules of middle-class families. It's no surprise, then, that children of poverty often struggle in education and business environments. In her book A Framework for Understanding Poverty, Dr. Ruby K. Payne presents lists of survival skills needed by different societal classes. Test your skills by answering the following questions." (Copyright by www.ahaprocess.com)

Could you survive in poverty? Check each item that applies.
I know how to...

__find the best rummage sales
__locate grocery stores' garbage bins that have throw-away food
__bail someone out of jail
__physically fight and defend myself
__get a gun, even if I have a police record
__keep my clothes from being stolen at the Laundromat
__sniff out problems in a used car
__live without a checking account
__manage without electricity and a phone
__entertain friends with just my personality and stories
__get by when I don't have money to pay the bills
__move in half a day
__get and use food stamps
__find free medical clinics
__get around without a car
__use a knife as scissors

Could you survive in middle class? Check each item that applies.
I know how to...

__get my children into Little League, piano lessons, and soccer
__set a table properly
__find stores that sell the clothing brands my family wears
__order comfortably in a nice restaurant
__use a credit card, checking and/or savings account
__evaluate insurance: life, disability, 20/80 medical, homeowners, and personal-property
__talk to my children about going to college
__get the best interest rate on my car loan
__explain the differences among the principal, interest, and escrow statements on my house payment
__help my children with homework and don't hesitate to make a call if I need more information
__decorate the house for each holiday
__get a library card
__use the different tools in the garage
__repair items in my house almost immediately after they break, or I know a repair service and call it

Could you survive in wealth? Check each item if you...

__can read a menu in French, English, and another language
__have favorite restaurants in different countries around the world
__know how to hire a professional decorator to help decorate my home during the holidays
__can name your preferred financial advisor, lawyer, designer, hairdresser, and domestic-employment service
__have at least two homes that are staffed and maintained
__know how to ensure confidentiality and loyalty with domestic staff
__use two or three "screens" that keep people whom you don't wish to see away from you
__fly in your own plane or the company plane
__know how to enroll your children in the preferred private schools
__are on the boards of at least two charities
__know the hidden rules of the Junior League
__support or buy the work of a particular artist
__know how to read a corporate balance sheet and analyze your own financial statements

Challenging rigid state law ( MA degree and licensure)

One of my coworkers has been battling a terrible predicament the last two weeks; it is quite alarming. She is wanting to move back to her home state of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and has been tirelessly working on getting mental health licensure in the state of Pennsylvania. She thought everything was taken care of, until she was informed that PA would NOT accept the credits she obtained from her Master's degree at S.U. (can you believe it?!?!)....thus, she currently doesn't qualify for a Mental Health Counselor license in PA. Did I mention she found this out after she had already put in her notice to resign from our employer?! Her job has already been officially offered to someone internally, so there's no way she can keep her current job here.

She just found out a few days ago, however, that there may be a bill in the works to challenge this archaic and ridiculous policy. Please, if you feel so inclined, read below what she wrote and contact Pennsylvania senators on her behalf. Contact before 9/27/11. The Senate Standing Committee will be having a meeting to vote on this House Bill on 9/27/11, and again on 10/18/11. http://www.legis.state.pa.us/WU01/LI/CO/SM/COSM.HTM

I have included the letter I wrote to a Senator near Scranton, PA at the bottom as well. If this can/is happening in one state, you can bet it's a licensing requirement that may be affecting mental health therapists' ability to get licenses/be able to work in other states in the U.S. as well. It's hard enough trying to figure out reciprocity state by state for our profession, but let's all at LEAST get on the same page about recognizing Master's degrees from accredited universities. The mental health counseling profession as a national system needs to give deserved respect and equal opportunity for licensure to individuals from ANY state in the United States of America who have put their blood, sweat, and tears into meeting the rigorous and often far-reaching standards the profession demands from its clinicians.

Here's what coworker/friend wrote:

CALLING ALL PA RESIDENTS (and even you non-PA residents can help out)!!! I NEED YOUR HELP!!! As some of you know I am hitting a serious roadblock in trying to be licensed as a Professional Counselor in Pennsylvania. Basically, the state will not recognize my Master's Degree in Counseling from S.U. because it is 4 credits short of the PA requirement. As the law is written right now, I would have to go back to school for a whole new Master's degree or pursue a doctorate in order to be licensed in PA. HOWEVER, there is a House bill, which if passed by the Senate, will modify the licensure requirements in PA. I would be allowed to go back to school and get the additional credits I need to supplement my existing degree...yay!!

It is House Bill 816. I am asking you to PLEASE take a few minutes out of your busy day and contact your local Senator. Just go to the link below (http://www.legis.state.pa.us/) and in the upper right-hand corner, you can enter your address and find out who your local Senator is. You can also enter HB 816 to see the details of the bill. It doesn't really matter who you contact, as long as we make it LOUD and CLEAR to several different Senators to vote YES on HB #816. Feel free to contact more than one because we need as many Senators as possible to vote YES on HB #816. Please pass this on to as many of your family and friends as possible!! We have to get this bill passed!!!

Thank you all.... this means a lot to the R & I families!!! It will allow C. and I to move home to Pittsburgh and be near the ones we love. It will also allow me to work and make a living in my chosen profession of counseling.

The Pennsylvania General Assembly www.legis.state.pa.us

Here's my letter:

Senator Blake,

I am writing to you in regards to House Bill #816, which would enable extremely competent, experienced and educated individuals seeking residency in Pennsylvania to practice in their chosen field as professional counselors and therapists.

Although I am not a resident of your state, Pennsylvania is my colleague SRI's home state. She and I have worked together for the last 3 years. I have had the opportunity to work very closely with her during this time and I can say with absolute certainty she stands out to me as an intelligent, competent, compassionate, and tenacious clinician. She had recently made plans to move back to Pennsylvania, however, she is unable to obtain licensure there as the current law stands. The state of Pennsylvania would be suffering a great loss by not allowing her to obtain licensure, particularly the mentally ill clients she could provide much needed services to throughout her career.

As Chapter 49 of the Pennsylvania Code is currently written, individuals who received master's degrees from institutions that did not require 72, quarter-hour semester credits have been denied license reciprocity by the Pennsylvania Department of Health regardless of the fact that these individuals have degrees from accredited institutions and, in most cases, have been practicing in the field of mental health counseling for many years.

Unfortunately, the only recourse for these individuals who desire to move to this Commonwealth is to either abandon their chosen profession and education that they have worked so hard to achieve, or to start from scratch to obtain yet another master's degree in this Commonwealth. The current law does not even permit these individuals to enroll in academic institutions to obtain the additional credits needed to achieve the requisite 72, quarter-hour semester credits for license reciprocity. Typically, only four (4), additional quarter-semester credits would be needed.

House Bill # 816 will remedy this situation, which is why I am urging you to vote "YES" on House Bill # 816. The passing of this Bill will not only help rejuvenate an aging workforce, but it will also bring to this Commonwealth the type of individuals whose education and skill can benefit our society as a whole.

I thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.

Mystery of the grumpy, frumpy neighbor

I find myself incredibly creeped out this morning by a recent incident that happened (and is still going on), though I don't know why it's creeping me out.

Tuesday morning I happened to set my alarm to get up earlier than I normally do so that I could get to work at hour earlier. When I got out of the shower, I could hear a ruckus in the hallway outside the door to my apartment. Given that it was 5:45am, I wondered what was going on. I thought maybe there was a drunk or homeless person that somehow got in the building, roaming around and talking to himself (you live in a big city like Chicago or Seattle long enough and it's easy for these scenarios to instantly pop into your mind as possibilities). I wasn't sure if I should go out there to assess the situation, so I put my ear to the door. I could hear a man talking on a cell phone talking about the stats on a woman's blood pressure. A few minutes pass. I look through the peephole of my door and see a group of people guiding my neighbor (across the hall) out of her apartment on a stretcher. One of the EMT guys asked her a question and she responded. She looked awake. I'm guessing she had a heart attack.

Now, I'm not one of "those people" that gets in everyone's business. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end and generally am respectful of not gawking when someone has been hurt,etc. So why is this person different and leaving me creeped out in the aftermath?

I have only had one interaction with this woman in the whole time I've lived in my apartment building, so uneventful that I can't even remember the details. It might have been my the mailboxes, though more likely we shared an elevator ride together one morning or night. All I remember about my limited interaction with this woman was that she appeared to be in her 60's. I attempted to be friendly with her, offering a smile or a kind greeting. She seemed very closed off though and didn't acknowledge me at all, a grumpy and frumpy looking woman. From what I could tell, she lived alone. I don't think I ever saw her go in or out of her apartment either. Very strange.

The past few days as I have noticed the apartment door has been open at times, including right now. A little while ago I could hear the sound of paper bags being filled. Two older men who appeared in their 60's walked by carrying a few bags. As I sit and type this now I hear boxes being taped up. The neighbor isn't there. I find myself looking at her mailbox here and there, looking for signs of whether she has moved or died. Her name is still on the mailbox at this point. I even Googled her name, trying to find an obituary for her (I haven't found anything yet).

I have this bizarre yearning to know what happened. I think what creeps me out the most is that she was an old woman who lived alone. Of course, I have no knowledge of this woman's life. Maybe she was loved by many and just happened to have lived alone. Or maybe she had some health condition that requires her to move into a nursing home or assisted living...or live with family members. She didn't appear feeble or that old looking to me when I saw her though. I am pretty sure she died. What freaks me out is that I keep thinking, what if that is me someday?

Granted, I highly doubt I will become a grumpy and frumpy old lady....but what if she was lonely and had no one in her life that gave her a quality life, one of meaning and happiness, and that's what made her appear a grumpy, unpleasant woman who lived in a studio apartment?

One thing I've always been afraid of (even more so with each passing year) is being found dead in an apartment while living alone. Who would know I'm dead? How long would it take for people to notice that I'm gone? What's funny is that I'm not afraid of death itself, only in how my death is discovered by others and how it affects or doesn't affect them. I guess it doesn't matter if my body isn't found for days since I'm obviously dead, but the thought disturbs me...as does the thought of the possibility of not having lived the fullest life I wanted to live during the time I was alive.

In undergrad college, I took a psychology class (Studies in Death and Dying) that had me visit a funeral museum as well as have me write my own obituary as part of the assignments for the class. At the time, I was about 20 years old and wrote about the cause of death being hit by a drunk driver. If I were to write it now, I have a feeling I would write a more realistic way of dying.....like choking to death (literally) on my dinner because I lived alone and there was no one there to help/save me (which reminds me of one particular "Six Feet Under" episode).

Living alone truly freaks me out sometimes. So does my imagination....

Making people laugh

Making people laugh is a true art form. Unfortunately, I think it's one of those innate qualities you either have or you don't. It's one thing to crack an occasional joke or come up with a spontaneous one liner. Anyone can do that once in awhile. What I'm referring to is someone who is just naturally good at it....someone who can do it easily, on a regular basis, and effortlessly. It's easy to spot a "natural" apart from the person who tries too hard to be funny.

The "natural" is skilled at the delivery, timing, play on words, double entendres, and subtle nuances. It's been my observation that some people can more easily get away with sarcasm (I'm typically not one of them), perhaps due to their overall personality and general style of communicating with others. I've noticed something lately. Of all the people in my personal life I like most (family and friends), they all have one particular quality in common: the ability to convey wit and/or sarcasm effortlessly (and frequently)....aka "naturals."

All these years I have mistakenly believed intelligence to be one of the qualities I admire and prize the most in my personal relationships. While I cannot minimize the importance of intelligence (not to mention kindness), I must fess up and admit I secretly am most drawn to humor. Not only am I drawn to it, lately I find myself envious of those who possess this creative characteristic. Why? I love laughing and I love hearing other people laugh. Appreciating humor in just about anything makes life more amusing and sometimes even more tolerable than it would feel without it. Honestly, I cannot make it a whole day (sometimes I can't even make it through a whole hour) without laughing several times. Laughing is secondary to breathing for me....which is why I wish I had the ability to make others laugh.

I wish I could dish out as much humor as I generously accept from my favorite funny people. I'd give anything for the same people I think are incredibly funny to hold me in equally high esteem...but alas, it's just not in the cards for me. All I can hope for is that maybe there's a quality about me that others wish they had. "I wish I could be as ____ as Katie. She's such a natural at it...."

Recharge the batteries with inspiration

In a world rife with suffering and intolerance, it can sometimes be difficult to identify and appreciate aspects of our lives that are of the more positive and uplifting variety. This is all the more reason to purposely seek this out...to rejuvenate one's inner self with a sense of meaningfulness, courage, hope, and inspiration when it's needed most.

As a mental health therapist who works largely with a population of adults who suffer/have suffered severe brutalities in their lives, it can be even harder for me to incorporate those aforementioned qualities into my personal life. This week in particular is no exception.

I had to (mentally) check in with myself today, as I was starting to notice myself having symptoms of "vicarious trauma" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vicarious_traumatization) after several intense therapy sessions in which clients have talked about surviving something graphic, brutal, and violent (ie, murder, grief/loss over a violent suicide, being a victim of an attempted murder and showing me the scar....the list goes on and on). I sometimes hear the most horrific and disturbing things that it makes the evening news look like a joke, child's play. It's easy to manage when it's sporadic, but when inundated with back to back sessions overflowing with trauma (like this week).....it's way too much. Nurturing my mental and emotional self becomes absolutely critical.

With that said, I have turned to seeking and reflecting on meaningfulness, courage, hope and inspiration. When having overwhelming moments of fear, doubt, exhaustion, and hopelessness....you may find it helpful to ask yourself and reflect upon the following questions (as I have):

What brings meaningfulness to your life? What do you contribute to the world and/or to people you care about?

Who and what inspires you? How so?

What are your passions? How can you utilize your passions in constructive, creative, or even therapeutic ways to heal and propel you forward when you feel like you're "running on empty?"

Who can remind you of your strengths and humanity when you need to recharge? (ie, family members, friends, colleagues, pets)

The "answers" for me this week showed up in various forms:

An amazing feel-good consultation with my colleagues and an outside consultant (we meet twice a month on Wednesday mornings for 90 minutes, yesterday being the first time we consciously took the time to talk about the rewarding and meaningful aspects of our work in this healing profession...felt incredible).

Contemplating seeking a therapist for myself, in part to lighten the load of my own burdens.

Connecting and laughing with a (therapist) friend over dinner and one huge margarita, which included a conversation reminding me of how I was once told I had "moxie" (the highest compliment I've received in my life, along with also being told by a former boss of my "fortitude" he was surprised to discover I have).

Reflecting on the truly good friends in my life, the ones I most treasure and for whose friendships I have utter respect and gratitude.

Being inspired by phenomenal individuals, such as my colleagues (who walk beside me on this bizarre and sometimes lonely helper/healer's journey) or strong women who have grit, moxie, fortitude, determination, compassion, hope, perseverance (as seen in a book I found today at the bookstore, "Run Like a Girl: How Strong Women Make Happy Lives").

Reminding myself that even though I'm terrified of participating in the Warrior Dash (http://warriordash.com/register2011_washington.php) on Saturday, it will be fun and inspiring to experience with two of my colleagues. Something to check off the proverbial bucket list, if you will.

Seeing and/or reading about others who actively pursue their passions in astounding ways, like this person: http://www.readallday.org/blog/

....then engaging in my own passions by writing here/sharing with the world wide web...and logging off to read something inspiring, perhaps even fun and mindless. :)

The Perfect Hike

(Photo taken by me: the very top of Rattlesnake Ledge; around 9:00am)











I love living in such a beautiful state. After a few months of wanting to check out this place recommended to me, the weather FINALLY decided to be agreeable enough for me to venture out and explore today. Someone I know who has been to Rattlesnake Ledge before suggested I leave around 6:00am so that I'd arrive there and start the hike early enough to get the morning sun, few people on the trail,etc. Just me and my small backpack filled with water, Chex Mix, and my Nikon camera. Off I went to North Bend, WA....Rattlesnake Ledge hiking trail in the Mt. Baker/Snoqualmie National Forest. The drive there was quiet and quick, as I left soon after sunrise....starting from Seattle, I drove about 40 miles. I-5 South to I-90 East, exit 32 (for 436th Ave SE), and continue on to Cedar Falls Rd. SE for a few miles. Very easy route.

I started the hike between 7:15-7:30am, a 1.8 mile to reach the top of the ledge (4 miles round trip). I was glad I got there when I did. This was the quietest, most peaceful hike I think I've ever been on in my life (thus far). From now on, I'm going on hikes this early in the morning! I don't despise people or anything, but there's just something extremely enjoyable and meditative about being able to be walk along a trail virtually all by yourself in the forest. I liked the fact that my phone had no reception. Technology felt blissfully out of this realm. The only sounds I heard were of birds chirping, leaves rustling, my sneakers making a crunchy sound into the soil, and a "hello" or "good morning" from the occasional hiker on the trail. Air so fresh that all I could smell was the welcoming slightly pungent earthy soil smell distinct to forests or remote areas in the wilderness.

There's something about walking in this kind of environment that makes it easy for me to put all my worries and "baggage" behind, no matter what's going on with my life at the time. The grand beauty and simplicity nature offers is a refreshing reminder not to sweat the small stuff. In fact, being on this perfect hike today had me even boldly contemplating what it would be like to live off the grid. The idea of living in a place of overwhelming beauty and no technology or noise secretly appeals to me (in the idealistic sense). A part of me would be happier living that way, I think. The hours I spent on this hike were the happiest moments I've had probably all month! It's funny too...as I was hiking, I thought about how my idea of "fun" has changed in the last 5 years. 5 years ago "fun" was staying up late at night, drinking with my friends in the big city. Now I would much rather get up early in the morning and go to a peaceful, gorgeous place where few people can be found; that is my fun. I never get bored exploring Mother Nature and photographing her unique features; she never disappoints.

As I reached the top of the ledge, two hikers who appeared in their 20's arrived right behind me. The guy (Jason) was quite an engaging conversationalist, perhaps the nicest hiker I've met on any hike. I was amazed by his bravery and fearlessness as I watched him hop from one steep rock ledge to the next....and then sit on the VERY edge, what could potentially be a deadly dropoff! I saw the cutest tiny chipmunk scurrying around the rock ledge, but he couldn't keep still long enough for me to snap a photo of him. Tiniest chipmunk I've ever seen! Within 5-10 minutes of hanging out at this spot and taking photos, it started to fill up with a dozen people. I was surprised, as it was only about 9am!

Slightly perturbed that my once peaceful and very quiet hike was starting to get crowded and noisy, I decided to start heading back down. Just then, Jason started talking to me. At first I thought he was talking to the girl who was with him (her name was Sandy, as I later learned), but then I realized he was talking to me. I heard him say "Where did our companion go?" (that would be me, haha). He pointed to one of the signs that showed a few other longer trails that were an extension of Rattlesnake Ledge. He said most people only go to the 'popular' spot (where we had just been) and that he knew of another ledge/lookout about a quarter mile into the East Peak trail going in the other direction. This interesting friendly guy got me curious, so I followed behind them up to the spot. We walked a bit off the beaten path through some little shrubs/a mini trail to get to the ledge he was talking about. I almost liked it more than the popular spot. I got a different view and an enjoyable conversation with Jason.

We talked a bit about photography (he had an old school Minolta camera, said he's a firm believer in film over using digital) and even more so about going different places in the wilderness. He talked about a friend of his that is an EMT and the hikes he's done with the friend that he wouldn't venture on alone. He also told me about "conditioning" (purposely putting heavy water bottles in his backpack to train his body for carrying a heavy load on the way up, then dumping the water out before hiking back down). At one point he apologized for "talking too much," though I don't think I ever gave him the impression I wanted him to stop talking. On the contrary, I found the unexpected conversation with this complete stranger refreshing and enjoyable!

As we started heading back down, I let them go ahead of me since he was a super fast hiker. His parting words: "Maybe we'll see you around sometime." I liked that guy, someone who seemed to know how to truly live in the moment and briefly enjoy nature with a stranger. :)

I started seeing people more frequently, every few minutes (They heading up as I headed down). I found myself saying "Hello" or "Good morning" more often and while most everyone was friendly that I passed, I couldn't help being secretly excited and grateful that I got to savor my experience mostly in peaceful, quiet solitude with a dash of conversation/friendly "companions."

The Perfect Hike.

Go indie

Every now and then I think about a guy I dated when I had first moved to Chicago 10 years ago. For as many faults as the guy had, I will credit him with having an influence on me when it comes to one particular subject: independent film. Before he arrived in my life, I primarily watched mainstream "blockbuster" movies. I'm not sure if it had more to do with the culture of the cities/towns I lived in growing up (ie, little to no opportunities to explore the art and film genres) or that it wasn't something that was important to me in my younger years. Whatever the case may be, the guy opened me up to the world of independent film. Given that I'm more of a 'off the beaten path' kinda girl, he seemed astounded that indie movies weren't on my radar of interests. Little did I know, I had been missing out by watching so many predictable, cookie cutter movies all those years prior. Sure, I like my share of entertaining mindless movies....but just as with my passion for reading books, "fluff" gets boring and I can only take it in small doses. I need intellectual stimulation....and I need to feel something! "Stimulation" in any sense of the word is key.

Now that I've been watching mainly indie movies the last 10 years, I can't imagine NOT watching them! So much more refreshing and unique in perspective, provoking deeper thoughts and feelings in equal measure. I find myself seeking out these movies that I just know will have me thinking about something in a different way, or challenge me to feel something I didn't know was there within me. Such has been particularly the case this past week with two different movies I watched. Funny enough, they were movies I wasn't sure I would like but wanted to take a chance and watch them anyway out of mere curiosity.

Props to "127 Hours" and "Catfish." I don't even know where to begin. Honestly, I can't say much without giving away the plot to both. Looking back, I wish I could have watched them with a friend or family member (I watched them by myself) because both offer a rich opportunity to discuss those fascinating grey areas of life. Rather than reveal what I saw, instead I'll reveal what the two movies had me questioning. I urge you to check out these movies if the following questions intrigue you or dare you to explore as I did.

"127 Hours:" What lengths/extremes would you (seriously and honestly) go to in order to survive and save yourself in an incredibly life threatening situation? Is the will to live the major predicting factor and most important "survival skill?" Does one's life literally 'flash before your eyes' when it looks like one's approaching death's door and how does that compel one to act/not act? Are we capable of so much more than we think we are when it comes to utilizing psychological strength of mind? Do only certain environments (ie, being in the wilderness) draw this out of us?

"Catfish:" How is it that we may more easily put ourselves out there for complete strangers in the cyberworld (and at a faster progression with self-disclosure and seeming "intimacy") than communicating and interacting with others in person? Have we made ourselves more vulnerable online because the risk to be vulnerable in person feels too daunting or threatening to our sense of self? Is the "real you" the one you demonstrate on social networking sites or how you interact with people on a daily basis face to face? Have our relationships with people and the way we relate to them become a blurry or indistinguishable mix of truth/reality and cyber/fantasy? How do we respond or cope when truth shatters the fantasy? Which parts of our psyches do we choose to let "shine?" Which parts do we unconsciously or deliberately keep hidden from others (and/or ourselves!) out of fear, shame, disappointment, or some kind of deep emotional pain? Once you know truth, you can't "unknow" it....so what do you do with truth once you have it? How much does the way you respond (ie, with anger and hate vs. forgiveness and compassion) to someone who has hurt or deceived you reveal about your character? Again, as the question I posed with "127 Hours": Do only certain situations reveal this aspect of oneself?

Go indie.

Think and feel something.

Discuss.

Dr. Kevorkian, post-mortem

With the recent death of Dr. Jack Kevorkian (aka "Dr. Death"), I find myself reflecting on how he challenged societal norms regarding the controversial subject of assisted suicide. The psychology course "Studies in Death and Dying" I took my sophomore year in undergraduate college was by far the most thought provoking and my first foray into analyzing this particular issue. I haven't really thought about this issue much over the years until hearing of Kevorkian's death last week.

A friend of mine posted a link online recommending the movie "You Don't Know Jack" (2008), a film that chronicles how Dr. Jack Kevorkian started doing assisted suicides and the controversial, legal battles that ensued thereafter. Al Pacino (as Jack Kevorkian), Susan Sarandon, and John Goodman deliver a stunning performance. Highly recommend. I had forgotten I had wanted to see the movie until my friend (unbeknownst to him) reminded me with his posting. While watching it last week, I found myself having various thoughts about it and felt compelled to write about it. I was also curious to see if my thoughts on this subject are any different now than they were my sophomore year of college.

I wrote a few short essays responding to the Kevorkian/assisted suicide controversy as part of my class assignments/final exam in "Studies in Death and Dying." Given this was November 1997 (I was 1 month shy of 20 years old at the time), I wondered if perhaps my views and/or personal feelings about it have shifted dramatically over the last 13 years. I thought I would share what I wrote back then (for fun/curiosity's sake....I found my folder of papers for the class in my closet, which I purposely kept for posterity) and then follow that up with sharing the thoughts I jotted down as I watched "You Don't Know Jack."

November 17, 1997

I believe an individual should have the personal right to choose to end their life. Although Kevorkian has sparked a nationwide controversy with his methods of euthanasia, he still continues to help those that seek his help. I feel he does a thorough job in getting the person to decide if that is what they really want and even makes a videotape of it to make things clearer for legal and personal reasons. The method of euthanasia used is set up to where the individual must turn the machine on themselves and can always pull it out at the last minute. There are almost immediate results and no pain is felt by the dying patient. I don't agree with the ways Kevorkian disposes of the bodies, but I don't feel he is harming the greater community by the duties he's carrying out. One must remember Kevorkian has certain requirements of the patient: he or she must be terminally ill (6 months or less to live) and they must wait a few months to carefully consider the options of euthanasia. Finally, I believe desperate people seek desperate measures when there is little hope left and Kevorkian just provides the means to the solution.

Another short essay of mine for the class...not about Kevorkian, but on a similar note (ie, whether to "pull the plug" on people): The decision to "pull the plug" is surely not an easy one for anyone to face and it's definitely not a black or white issue. It's a gray area of ethics that needs careful consideration, depending on the patient and the patient's condition. I feel that in most cases, the family should have the power to decide what would be best for the person if there's not a will to pre-determine it all. I'm not sure when is the right time to decide. I suppose that if there was even a slim chance the person could come through it I would wait, but in the case such as with Nancy Cruzan, I would have made a judgment call from the start and pulled the plug. However, in the psychology book there was a case about an infant with Down's Syndrome that had a heart condition. He could be cured with the option of surgery, yet the parents refused treatment. To me, that is wrong and selfish. I believe the court system should only get involved if the family and doctors were both unsure of the patient's needs or if the family might have bad intentions for the patient. Most of all though, I feel there should be no fixed decision on who decides to pull the plug because every patient is different (although the family might possibly know what their loved one would want more than anyone else). The entire situation is about playing God and I don't think this issue will ever entirely be resolved by society.

And one more: Assisted suicide, defined as providing the means to help an individual end his or her life, has benefits and drawbacks. Active euthanasia, intentionally assisting the death of someone suffering from a disease, has become a topic of great controversy over the past decade with the workings of Dr. Jack Kevorkian (aka "Dr. Death"). The decision to follow through with this alternative is surely not spontaneous and requires careful planning on the patient's and the doctor's behalf. Pros of this decision include putting the patient "out of misery" from pain and suffering and giving the patient free will to decide what is best for themselves. On the other hand, this can get quite complicated when family and friends oppose the idea, bringing legal and moral ramifications into the picture. In addition, what if the patient feels hopeless that death is inevitable and follows through with assisted suicide before waiting a fair length of time to see if the possibility of living longer and regaining their health could actually occur?! I am still not sure how I feel about assisted suicide. I do not think I could ever go through with it, although I am sure under extenuating circumstances, I might consider it. As for supporting family or friends wanting to do it, I think it would depend on the individual and the type of illness they were suffering from as to whether I would be for or against it. For instance, if an individual was in constant pain and/or had lost touch with reality with nothing to look forward to every day, I would carefully consider how to help them through the process of death through euthanasia. I think I would be looking at a variety of factors, such as overall attitude (how dramatically it has changed since disease/illness set in) toward life and other people, health and amount of physical and mental energy, and how the person regards death (positive vs. negative). Why? The way I perceive life is, why remain living in a quantitative state when there is no quality to sustain it?

Surprisingly (or not too surprisingly?), my thoughts on the topic aren't too far off from where they were in 1997. While watching "You Don't Know Jack," I found myself actually feeling more strongly about respecting the wishes of those who are in great physical pain and wish to end their suffering with assisted suicide. I don't like the term 'suicide' in regard to this very specific request though.

As a clinician working in the mental health field, 'suicide' is connected to mental and emotional illness or anguish....the compulsion to seek and carry out ending one's life (ie, a permanent solution to a temporary mood/problem). How much more weight does it carry when someone is going through physical suffering as opposed to mental illness (ie, no terminal illness)? This is a rhetorical question, of course. There seem to be many more questions it raises for me than clear cut answers. If nothing else, it gets the critical thinking wheels turning in my head.

Why are we (society) quicker to judge and stop someone from making a decision about their quality of life (in this case re: lack thereof due to physical suffering) in favor of "a person must live at all costs" mentality? Would we do this to our pets? If one's dog (or any other animal you'd have as a pet) is suffering from an agonizing and painful terminal illness, do you stand idly by and prolong their suffering for years and years? Most likely, no. Most people, seeing the end is near, will take the animal to the veterinarian to be euthanized. You don't see religious zealots protesting outside veterinarians offices in those instances. Why? Because it's humane and compassionate. It's the right thing to do. The animal cannot verbalize their pain, yet we question and fight a human being's wish to do the same thing under the same circumstances?

One thing that creeped me out while watching the film: religious undertones of this controversial subject. Just as with "beginning of life" issues (ie, protests surrounding abortion), it's likely the same ignorant people holding up their vile, hate spewing religious messages about the "sanctity" of life at anti-abortion events are also using their religious dogma to oppose assisted euthanasia. In one particular scene of the movie, a woman makes known very loud and clear to Kevorkian her religious convictions on the matter....later sifting through his garbage to find paperwork that she hopes will incriminate him in a court of law. What I wondered....what about a person whom isn't religious whatsoever (that wants to end his/her life)?! If you choose to make your own life decision from a religious mindset, that's your prerogative. At the same time, respect others who choose to make their life decision NOT based on any religious context. I just have to add....you don't typically see non-religious individuals or atheists bombing abortion clinics or attempting to intervene with freedom of human rights, choices,etc. No, it's usually the people who believe in "life" that are causing more hate and violence/death in the name of it...Kevorkian's respectful, compassionate crusades being no exception with how he was received by a closed-minded media and conformist society.

There certainly needs to be a structured protocol for assisted euthanasia, such as requesting copies of medical test results and records to confirm the prevalence of physical pain, whether the person is terminal, and a psychological evaluation to rule out mental health disorders. I'm not sure the extent of what Kevorkian's overall assessment covered (other than him videotaping his patients sharing their thoughts, feelings, and verbalizing the decision to die) before he decided to assist in the deaths of his patients. If and when these specifics are ruled out, I believe people have a right to choose on this matter.

Interestingly, I find my views on family members being allowed to make decisions for a dying person has changed since my younger years. Perhaps I'm just more aware of how family members can be quite selfish in the decisions they make (ie, tend to have their own agenda when in the position of making an important decision for another family member vs. how they might make that same decision for oneself), this issue being no exception. There seem to be more family members than not who will clearly go against the wishes of the dying person and keep them alive no matter what, usually in a very controlling/manipulative way. At the same time, if you don't have any existing legal documents to back up your wishes....family members may be the only 'line of defense' with which to go on, sadly.

In the overall scheme of things, it really just boils down to having respect and compassion for an individual's free will....even if it entails the the taboo subject society fears, fights, or tries to avoid "at all costs:" death.

The Standout

Compared to the general population, I've had few lovers throughout my life (though I suppose that depends on how one defines "lover," "sex," etc)...even fewer that were really passionate about me and satisfied me to the core (ie, mentally, emotionally, and physically). In fact, my experience has primarily been the opposite....selfish lovers with whom I went out of my way to satisfy, giving generously until I could give no more and often with little to no reciprocation. They weren't terrible men, just not emotionally intelligent men in the bedroom.

As I entered my 30's, I have yearned for something more....a man who can demonstrate as much sensual passion and generosity with me as I can with him.

It wasn't until I had a kiss with a stranger one spontaneous night out on the town in Chicago about four years ago that something was awakened within me...a spark of what I had been missing out on in my teens and twenties. I felt a strong chemistry and undeniable passion that night; it defied explanation (at least to me). A few months ago I kissed a guy I knew fairly well; I felt the exact same feeling (possibly even stronger than with the stranger). Sadly, both experiences only resulted in kissing (ie, no sex). Sometimes when I'm yearning for a lover in my life I think about those two nights, about the 'what if I could have been with that guy just once?' What if it had not stopped with the passionate kissing? If just kissing was that amazing, how much more could I have felt if sex entered the picture? Would it have felt like the cliches found in romance novels or erotic literature?

Fantasies are usually better than the reality...what it would be like to kiss or have sex with a particular person. I'm not sure what's better or worse though....to have a sexual attraction to someone, only to be disappointed when that sensual chemistry isn't ignited (I've experienced this on more than a few occasions)....or to have an attraction to someone that has built up strongly over time and then only get an amazing kiss that leaves one wanting more, a mere tease.

The loss of a desirable fantasy to a disappointing reality or the loss of real erotic potential that will never come to fruition? Which is harder to accept? What if we only get one or two opportunities for 'standout lovers' in our lifetimes? And what if they got used up only on kisses and not the whole sexual nine yards?

Are standout lovers only meant to be savored in fleeting moments? If and when they are found, can they "stand" the test of time?

Try harder? Try less?

One of the trickiest things about developing and sustaining solid, positive relationships with others is that it requires a meeting of minds....to meet halfway, to be on the same page....while at the same time juggling having absolutely no expectations of the other person. This appears to be one of the biggest contradictions (in my observation) of relationships in the 21st century.

How does one know when to try harder at developing new friendships or putting oneself out there several times over in the dating world? How do you know when you're trying too hard to make something happen vs. becoming complacent/expecting opportunities to just fall in your lap? What does that middle ground look like? Has this process of seeking, finding, and maintaining fulfilling connections with others in our lives become nothing more than a pipe dream or virtual crapshoot? How is it that as I'm getting "better" (at improving myself as a person), encouraging opportunities become fewer with outcomes less successful? Why do I feel more comfortable in my own skin, yet increasingly lonelier as I go from one disappointment after another and another?

It's so hard to know what to do about these things. I wish human beings could be more simple creatures sometimes, or at least more thoughtful and compassionate with one another. It would feel a whole lot less lonely out there in the world.

How young or old are you, really?

(Photo by Jill Greenberg)
I was having a fun little conversation with two of my coworkers yesterday at the end of our lunch break. I can't remember how we got on the topic, but the subject of psychological age came up. There's chronological age and then there's psychological age. Psychological age differs from chronological age in that the difference lies not with how many years you've been on this Earth (chronological), but with how old one perceives or feels oneself to be emotionally and mentally.

Interestingly, I noticed a pattern in our discussion about this....fluctuation or fluidity in psychological age depending on the context of situations, relationships, life experiences,etc. We were talking about how old we feel at work vs. maybe in regard to romantic relationships or other facets of our lives. I commented that I feel like a 40 year old when I'm at work/in sessions with clients, but most of the time I feel about 25 years old. What about you, my blog readers? Are there certain situations in which you feel "older," "younger," or your actual chronological age?

I remember thinking when I was a little kid (ok, even as a teenager or in my 20's, haha) that one day I would reach this "magical" stage or moment where suddenly *Poof!*: I would feel like an "adult." Little did I realize that this never really happens, permanently anyway. At least for me. I can't speak for the millions of human beings on the planet. I'd be curious to see how people feel about chronological age vs. psychological age in other cultures around the world. Perhaps it's just us silly Americans that never really grow up? ....And I'm ok with that!

I know for me, there's nothing more gratifying than moments where I find myself having the silliness and playfulness of a 6 year old, the passions of a 17 year old, the free and adventurous spirit of a 21 year old, the confidence of a 30 year old, and the compassion and wisdom of a 40-50something year old.

Perhaps the indicator of a good life is being able to embrace the best of our various psychological ages.

Becoming a good writer

"The deeper you can listen, the better you can write....basically, if you want to become a good writer, you need to do three things. Read alot, listen well and deeply, and write alot. And don't think too much. Just enter the heat of words and sounds and colored sensations and keep your pen moving across the page." ---taken from "Writing Down the Bones," by Natalie Goldberg

1. Write alot Though I read "Writing Down the Bones" over 10 years ago, this really resonated with me and has stayed with me over the years whenever I find myself in that space to write and let it all hang out, if you will. Tonight I found myself skimming through copious blog entries I've written on here from 2007 up until now. After reading through them, I could see an interesting progression of how my writing has developed over the last 5 years. It's funny to think it all started with me writing entries on my old school Myspace page back in 2005. I wrote in a journal from my teens to my 20's, which was always private...for my eyes only. Then came the era of social networking sites....and from there I started writing for others to read. It was still for myself, but I had to get comfortable with the notion that writing well involved "nakedness" or "exposure." Letting go of a need to control what others would think or feel when they read my entries was the toughest thing to learn...still hard at times, especially since my writing reveals more about me than my daily interactions with people. It's the root, the core of me. Writing for the public domain involves risk and vulnerability. It's been a scary and amazing journey to go from journals and notebooks to social networking blog entries to my own personal blog page. I can only hope with exciting anticipation that my writing progresses even further in my lifetime.

As an aside....yesterday my friend Helen shared with me that she started a blog and really wanted my "honest opinion, since you are the guru of blogging." Guru? I was stunned, to say the least. I certainly don't see myself that way, though it was a nice compliment and even inspired me a bit. It's not the first time a friend has turned to me for guidance and feedback with their writing/blogging endeavors.....which I find funny since I don't think any of the handful of people who have turned to me for help actually read much of what I write. haha. Maybe it's just the time and effort I have put into this passion of mine that has them turning to me. Who knows! There's something about that though (seeing my friends start their own writing projects) that renews that old spark in me....feels really good.

2. Read alot My friend Josh asked his online friends the other day how many books they've read in their lifetime. The nerdy girl I am, I secretly wish I've kept track all these years. I'd be super curious to know the exact number, only because I bet it would blow my mind. Alas, I can only estimate. 3,000? Maybe that's too many? Not enough? It's gotta be at least 1,000. I then wondered how different I would have turned out if I didn't read at all. Think of all the people in this world who are illiterate. Think of how often we are forced to read in our everyday lives, and not for leisure...but just to live and complete daily tasks. Can you imagine how much harder life would be without reading? With that said, I've read ALOT....for leisure, for guidance, for curiosity, for entertainment. I'd even go so far as to say that reading has been a major influence on who I am today as a human being. Books get me through life. When in doubt, I turn to a book (or a writer) more easily and more frequently than I turn to people for help. Perhaps this is why others seek me out when they are in need of book recommendations too? Haha.

3. Listen well and deeply Well, this applies to me too.....though I wonder if maybe I'm listening to others too much (as a therapist and with friends or family) and have lost my way with listening well and deeply to myself....my own thoughts, feelings, ideas, creativity,etc. On that note, I've found it telling that I seem to be inspired to write more lately (even craving to do so) since I've been reading more, "unplugging" from technology (specifically social networking) more, and taking time to do things I most want to do because I'm not being distracted by mindless technological distractions. Perhaps it's time I go off the grid a bit. Maybe I can finally allow myself to write that book I always wanted to write, or maybe even come up with an entirely new idea for a book.....

Pride

Pride. It can carry a positive or negative connotation. Mostly though, I think it tends to present itself in unpleasant ways in our lives.

In what ways does pride show up in your life? Does it seem to get in the way of living the life you most want to live?

For me, pride (a.ka. ego) is just a form of shame. It's the feeling of not measuring up to some high self-inflicted standard you've set for yourself. It may appear helpful at first glance if you think you can manage to do something 'just the right way,' but in the overall scheme of things it's counter-productive. It doesn't leave much room for personal growth in one's life.

I got to thinking about this tonight, as I am slowing working on releasing (or at least decreasing) pride I have around two major things that have been ever too present in my life for years. If I can't beat it, I suppose I must join it...or surrender to it, rather.

More often than not, I tend to have shame around not being the "perfect" body weight/size. I also have shame around money (ie, struggling with not having enough/living beyond my means). Interestingly, both of these issues have become uncomfortably prominent in my life even more so than usual lately. Normally, I would avoid these situations at all costs or find ways to struggle through the self-inflicted standards I set for myself around these issues....but enough is enough. I'm tired of battling with myself. I'd rather let go and face my fears. So be it. What do I honestly have to lose?

What do we stand to lose if we let go of the pride that stands in our own way? False illusions. That's what you'll release. You see, that's the way the ego works. It's counter-productive. Do the opposite and you'll have something far more productive: self-acceptance. Maybe even support and acceptance from others that you never allowed them to demonstrate while your ego was running rampant.

Stop judging yourself so much...a little humbleness and compassion for one's self goes a long way. Try it sometime. You may just discover a whole new positive sense of pride emerging in the ego's absence.

Liberation. Growth. The opportunity to learn and change in a meaningful way.

Romantic Literature

I never realized before (not consciously anyway) how much I am drawn to Romantic literature. Not to be confused with modern "chick lit," I'm referring to classic literature of the Romanticism era (ie, the late 18th century).

Last night I had the delightful opportunity to watch the newest film release of the classic "Jane Eyre" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8J6Cjn06kA) with my mom. I knew it was a classic by one of the Bronte sisters, but that's all I knew about it. Given that I tend to enjoy classic literature books and films, I figured there would be a strong chance I'd like it. Not only did I like it, I loved it. I thought perhaps there was something about this movie that had me so drawn to it, but I couldn't pinpoint what it could be.

My mom, a college English and Humanities professor, told me after the movie was over that it had all the qualities of the Romanticism genre: a misunderstood loner who follows his/her own way rather than the conventional standards of the time, nature, traveling, the supernatural, emphasis on women and children, and speaking to the "common" people (vs. only the aristocracy). It also focused on conveying feelings of horror, awe, and trepidation.

I'm not sure why I'm attracted to these particular characteristics, perhaps because it is the one time period I can see myself living in or wish I could live in if I could choose to live in another era. In some weird way, I can identify with the main character's internal struggles in Romanticism....the intellectual strength and emotional angst they experience. I can especially identify with the identity of 'loner' (going off the beaten path/the road less traveled), being attracted to someone who is different from the conventional standard (and also wanting that same kind of attraction reciprocated). I also like the juxtaposition of beauty (aka nature) against horror. It seems to accurately depict how life can be simultaneously a balance of exquisite and tragic. Now I know why I've also loved other Romantic era novels, like "Frankenstein," "Scarlet Letter," as well as the works of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau!

More specific to "Jane Eyre," I appreciate the fact that Jane is a strong, confident, and incredibly self-reliant woman who doesn't need to be rescued by a man....such a refreshing thing to see from the stereotypical norm of "damsel in distress." Again, I could very much relate to this character, as I've never relied on anyone to 'rescue' me throughout my life.

At the same time, I long for the kind of passionate, deep devotion and unconditional love Jane and Rochester have for one another....the kind of love that appears to know no bounds. I wonder, however, if such a thing exists in the 21st century. Or maybe that has never existed. Regardless, it's an idealistic notion of passion and love I can at least dream about or aspire to attain.

I'm craving to read some Romantic literature now...

Gr-Attitude

A friend of mine, a fellow mental health clinician, gave me an idea last month....to practice daily gratitude.....write/post 4 things (anything....from the simple to the deeper/more profound) for which you're grateful for every day for 30 days. I decided to revert to my "old school" ways and write in a journal with my fancy roller gel pen. In a world where virtually everything is shared in public mediums, there's something to be said for writing somewhere for my eyes only if I so choose. I started this little project while on my vacation in Chicago and two weeks into it, I'm already noticing a difference in my overall attitude each day.

Being the book buying and reading fiend that I am, I naturally wandered into a bookstore at the airport on my way home the other day. I was immediately drawn to a blue book that might as well have had neon lights flashing, luring me in. If I remembered correctly, another mental health counselor friend of mine had mentioned recently reading this blue book. I picked it up, flipped it over, and read the back cover. The cashier had my money within 5 minutes.

A perfect supplement to the 30 day daily gratitude list, I spent the whole 4 and a half hours of my flight reading "The Happiness Project." What's funny is that nothing the writer said was remarkable or insightful....but it was the way she said things or maybe what she chose to write about. It sparked inspiration and motivation, something that comes to me far and few between the last 2-3 years (at least in regard to my writing and ability to express my greatest creative potential).

Reading the book made me happy during those hours; it gave me hope that a muse is within my reach. I had this urge to want to do more with my photography, had thoughts about rearranging the appearance of my apartment, envisioned myself doing artsy things soon with an art/photo journal I started a few years ago, and write on my poor neglected but still dearly loved (by me anyway) blog. It's amazing what you find yourself thinking about when you're "forced" to become more aware of it. I can't help but wonder if practicing daily gratitude is a driving factor. And let me tell you, nothing is more difficult than finding things to be grateful for when so much is going on around you.....around the world (ie, earthquake and tsunami in Japan comes to mind), at work, anywhere! When things are overwhelming, stressful, or hopelessness starts creeping into your psyche and you can STILL find gratitude----such is the absolute "test."

Yesterday and today were two such days for me, today in particular. Yesterday I noticed a discrepancy on my bank statement regarding a monthly auto debit deduction for my student loan bill: it was lower than usual. For a few minutes I considered not calling about it, thinking it was a pleasant mistake.

Then that "Do the right thing Katie" part of my brain kicked in and I vowed to call the student loan customer service number.

Turns out after a 20 minute conversation with a customer service representative, I still don't completely understand why it was lower. All I know is it has something to do with the maximum number of payments I'm allowed that the brilliant (note the sarcasm) federal government has decided I cannot exceed for a lifetime amount, thus creating (unrealistically) high monthly payments after a certain pay period. This resulted in me feeling dejected and somewhat ashamed, as I was feeling stuck between wanting to be a responsible student loan bill paying citizen and wondering how it's possible to do so on my "public servant" salary.

What struck me most of all though about this exchange I had with this perfect stranger was how he responded to my concerns: he listened with genuine compassion. I could hear it in his voice. You can tell when someone is merely doing their job vs. saying something like they really mean it. "This guy 'gets it," I thought.

Granted, it didn't alter my long term financial predicament at all...but sometimes it's simply refreshing to feel heard by another human being. Maybe he has debts or bills he's struggling to pay himself. In any case, I found myself oddly thankful for his empathy and willingness to genuinely listen.

If we can find bits of gratitude in the most unpleasant experiences, just imagine how much more awareness, happiness, and creativity we can muster in the best of circumstances!

"It is easy to be heavy; hard to be light." --G.K. Chesterton

"Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness." --Leo Tolstoy

"Go get yourself loved." ---from 2011 independent film "Happy thank you more please"