Should punishment last a lifetime?

Writing this blog will probably stir more questions than answers, but I'm going to write about it nonetheless since it's an interesting topic on my mind today.

What is the statute of limitations on shame, remorse, and forgiveness vs. forget on something most people would consider morally wrong? Does it depend on whether the heinous actions have affected a small scale or a large scale of humanity? (ie, "a threat to one is a threat to all mentality)

If someone has put in the sincere and honest effort towards behavioral rehabilitation and overall positive changes within oneself, is that what should be the determining factor? How do we really know for sure if he/she IS honest and sincere? And is it really up to us humans to decide or that of one's personal god(s), karma, spirituality and/or ethics,etc. specific to the individual who has committed the morally reprehensible crime? Do we give someone the benefit of the doubt or do we never trust them (or at least quite the same) again?

Here's what made me think of all this.....

The past few years I have been working with a man who has been consistently sober, but continues to struggle with a bad choice he made under the influence of drugs: sexually molesting a minor, hence permanently deeming him with the scarlet letter of 'Sex Offender,' a virtual lifelong 'prison sentence' if you will.

As I have talked with him extensively about it over the course of the past two years, I know that he has successfully completed his time in prison, including a 6 month rehabilitation program while there. His treatment in prison consisted of 'shaming,' a cognitive-behavioral interventions that has the offender write down the offense committed on a chalkboard for all to see. The offender must then ACT OUT what he did in front of treatment therapists and other fellow sexual offenders in a group setting.

I have learned quite a bit about the thoughts and feelings experienced by a recovering sex offender by frequently talking candidly and in depth with this individual about it. While I do not know for sure if he has reoffended (because I only know what he's like in our sessions), my overall intuition gives me a strong feeling that he has honestly rehabilitated himself. Perhaps he represents a small percentage of nonrecidivism, I don't know, but this is such a difficult issue to address in society. A cut and dry solution doesn't seem like a solution.

How does one balance the overall concern for the community without alienating the constitutional rights of the individual...especially if he/she hasn't given justifiable reason to be treated as if still committing crimes?

I asked him if he thinks he will ever reach a point in his life where he won't be reminded every day of this one particular bad decision he made and commended him for his strength to cope with such judgment and harrassment from various sectors in the community (ie, he receives harrassing phone calls once a week from an unknown caller, forcing him to have the number blocked,etc). He told me that he hopes one day he will not have to be reminded of it and that it helps having people (like me) who support him through his continual treatment services.

It truly is a Catch 22. I'm not one to condone when a 'wrong' has been done, but at the same time, if someone shows true remorse and a willingness to change, who are we to say he/she cannot be a different person and make choices that will be more positive? Hmmmm. All I know is that I don't ever want to become so pessimistic that I feel myself giving up on the virtues of humanity. On the other hand, I don't want to be nieve either.

Keeping a fine balance between compassion and judgment is one of the hardest things to do....

My dearest Chicago,

Our relationship seems to be coming to a quickly approaching end. While the last few years have been a mixture of 'love and hate,' I'm going to miss you. It's easier to remember the things I don't like about you....until I'm reminded of what it is I do love about you. This past weekend showed me just that, my feelings for you truly bittersweet. I don't even know where to start, but here goes....

I was a scared 24 year old when you stepped into my life. Full of hope and excitement with the possibilities you could give me, I stepped into the unknown of our relationship. I didn't how it would turn out, if you would be right for me. Of course, there's been hard times, but that's to be expected with any relationship. Overall, I can't help but reflect how much you've given me, loved me, changed me oh Chicago. You gave me the opportunity to learn at a phenomenal graduate school, intellectually and professionally. You gave me the encouragement and strength to become adventurous, more independent...a bold risk taker. You made me proud to be who I am, always challenging me to become more than I thought I could ever be....especially since I have become a therapist with the first professional job you gave me.

You introduced me to different cultures, lifestyles, and interesting people. And anytime a good friend I'd met left our little circle for another, you presented the opportunity for me to newer and even more rich, satisfying friendships with others over the course of our time together. I've enjoyed your beauty and diversity, as well as the spontaneity you've brought to my life. Most importantly, you've helped me grow so much. I never knew you could give me incredible strength of character, to exude such strong self-confidence. I know I'll be sad when I leave you, but know this much is true: The places you've taken me are priceless. No one can or shall replace how special you've been to me the last six years. I will spend my lifetime pondering the memories of us. Thank you my dear Chicago. I love you and don't worry....I will come back to visit you.

Love always,
Katie


"It's kinda like when you go on a vacation. You plan everything out, but then one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour. And you end up in some crazy place you can't even find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening, but later you realize it was the best part of the whole trip."
--Josh Charles' character Eddy in "Threesome"(1994)

A few marbles short of a full jar.

I try, I try, I try SO very hard....to be a patient and nonjudgmental therapist, but it is a futile effort at times. Like today, for instance. Return of the emotional wreck that is Weepy Woman. She is the only client who truly tests my buttons and whom I honestly dread having to see once a month for the mandatory counseling session. It's always something with her, mostly full of 'blah, blah, blah. whine, whine, whine.' And cry, cry, cry from her...which makes me want to cry, cry, cry. Ugh. Today was just weird. Plus, she smelled like spoiled milk today. Her breath? I don't know.

She goes off these tangents of things that happened years ago, living so lucidly in the past. It really confuses me how someone can still be stuck in the 1980's, talking about a trip she took to New York way back when, but talking as if it happened last week. I had to clarify when she went on this trip because she doesn't seem to live in the year 2008. And when I can redirect her to talk about what's going on in her life NOW, I get to hear about the consistency of her shit (literally, SHIT) versus the consistency of her mother's shit...because apparently they both have multiple health issues. Ok, I'm NOT a medical doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm especially not a doctor who specializes in gastrointestinal problems. I don't want to hear about bodily function routines. Help!

I think I would rather see the character of "Norman" from the movie "Psycho" in a session than this individual. What really got me trying to stifle laughter though was when she said that her high blood pressure and cholesterol medications have side effects of making her overly emotional. Ah, so this is why she cries EVERY time I see her? Does anyone else on these aforementioned meds cry all the time? I also got to hear about how she doesn't like to swim because her butt sticks out and she has to doggy paddle. Is this 'real' counseling folks?

Then, I go to collect her urine for a drug test and when she comes back into my office to give it to me, she says something about how the tape on the bottle is broken. I try explaining to her that it's broken because she opened the bottle to use it and that all bottles are taped shut before used, broken after they have been open. Common sense, but common doesn't work with an uncommon mind. I feel like a bad counselor when I have to interact with her. I wish I could refuse to work with those that I am unable to establish a therapeutic rapport with, despite all the patience and compassion I can muster with total wherewithal. But I can't.

But I CAN be totally happy the last day that I have to see this woman for counseling. February 22, 2008 to be exact. It will be a joyous, memorable day of celebration in my professional life as a substance abuse counselor. Is that so wrong of me?

"Stamps"

A little work humor for afternoon entertainment:

Carol told me something that happened today that had me chuckling and I just had to share. One of Carol's clients pulled her aside this morning to ask if she could use the phone in Carol's office. We allow patients to use the phones in our office as a courtesy (as long as it no longer becomes a right more than a privilege), on the condition that we are in the room with them to monitor their call to make sure they aren't doing anything questionable. Most of the time, it seems to be on the up and up, but this is one of those instances where it didn't seem to be. It always makes me laugh when the 'sneaky' ones think they are being sneaky because they usually aren't smart enough to be that slick (see the last paragraph in my previous blog entry from today!). This woman is one such example, which is what makes this even funnier. According to Carol, the woman made one phone call and then asked to make another. Carol looked at her client quizzically, asking who else she would possibly need to contact after already making the one phone call but still allowed her to use the phone. Carol said she heard the client say (on the phone) something along the lines of ".....'Jim' needs to get stamps too."

Tell me, do people suddenly get the dire urge for a 'stamp' run?

Gotta love code words that just simply scream out immediate euphemisms for the obvious.

Weird night of television

Ok, so watching tv last night wasn't quite as dramatic as this creepy picture....but still bizarre in its own right. I normally don't watch much tv on a daily basis and now I'm beginning to know why. Most of it is depressing or negative news. In the span of maybe 3-4 hours of watching tv because I happened to be bored, I was updated on the ominous state of the US economy, heard about the tragic unexpected death of actor Heath Ledger, and watched an interesting and funny (albeit pathetic portrait of the most idiotic) 'reality' show of people being arrested for the most easily avoidable of 'crimes.' Wow. What a night for primetime television. I didn't know whether to laugh or sigh with sadness. I think I did both....

My favorite, by far, was watching this 'reality show' (if one could call it that) called "Jail." It's like the show "Cops," but more interesting in my opinion. The premise of the show involves what happens at different jails around the country after someone is arrested for a particular crime. Pretty interesting actually, both in its amusing and serious factors. For instance, I never knew there was something known as a 'suicide smock.' Apparently at the Tacoma, Washington jail, anytime someone says something even as vague as "I want to die" without directly hinting at suicide....they put said individual in this 'smock' that sorta resembles a cross between a strait jacket and a bullet proof vest. The guy they put in this smock was likely under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol at the time, but they still had to go 'by the book' for standard operating procedure. What was funny about it was that it was just another day at work for them, 'the nature of the beast' so to speak.

Even though it doesn't sound funny, parts of this show I could really identify with because it reminded me of the wacky scenarios I find myself in at work sometimes and just how depersonalized you have to be to deal with strange people at times. Or how you talk with them. I don't mean it in a judgmental way, just a professional way of detaching yourself emotionally while still being respectful of someone you may not normally associate with otherwise.

One of the other segments of the show featured a jail in Las Vegas, Nevada that had brought in a slew of prostitutes, all of different 'classiness' shall we say and each had their own 'reasons' for going down the risky road of prostitution. It was interesting to hear what they had to say. While I do not agree with alot of choices people may make in life, I nevertheless find it fascinating to hear their story. Sometimes it makes me shake my head out of sheer amazement or confusion and other times in a weird way I can see what might have made them go astray.

Regardless, one thing is for certain....no matter where you go, idiotic behavior is pretty much the same everywhere (ie, crying/manipulation, excuses, lies, aggressive tendencies, weird stuff people say, lack of common sense,etc). No matter how much better/more peaceful the world may get, idiocy will always be there to some degree. Job security at its finest.

The Year of Presidential Politics

I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older or more mature that my interests have shifted, but I'm finding the current presidential hopeful politics quite intriguing. I have been somewhat interested in political issues in the past, but it was never to the degree it seems to be for me now. I think it may be due to the fact that when I was younger, I didn't really think much about how politics can impact our daily lives. Now, however, I can definitely see the significant impact of such issues as health care reform, immigration, war/homeland security, abortion, budget/the economy, and the environment to name just a few. It can be pretty overwhelming, for the candidates themselves to us as their constituents! It almost makes me wonder if my friend Rajiv (who is OBSESSED with all this, hahaha) has the right idea...following all the different primaries, debates, poll results, consistency of what the candidates say (and don't say) regarding their position on any given topic. Then again, I seem to be getting alot of informative feedback from Rajiv, so maybe I just need to get my updates from him. Just kidding. :)

There are so many important political issues to address and work on changing. Where to start?!?! And what is most important to each individual constituent as far as what candidate they will ultimately vote for? This can be the tricky, complex part of the decision process.

Last night I was watching some updates on the Michigan primary on PBS to keep abreast of what has been most currently going on. Up to this point, I have felt a strong pull towards Obama and McCain. I'm still undecided, but based on what I know thus far, they are my top choices. What I'm trying to figure out is the particular issues I feel are most relevant for me to make that deciding factor. For example, the issues I associate with McCain so far are related to war, immigration, his extensive political and military experience, and his generally moderate stance on issues. While I tend to be more Moderate/Independent, I think I am more of a Democrat on certain social issues (like abortion, health care,etc), which makes me lean towards Obama.

This is hard. How does one choose??!! Sigh. Ask me again in another 10 months....

The Feeler.

I recently read this book by Osho that discussed 'types' of characteristic traits we may demonstrate more than others, specifically what guides our overall choices in life and how we (individually) relate to the world. It is pretty similiar to the Jungian Myers-Brigg test on personality (ie, thinking, feeling, judging, perceiving), but Osho's explanations seem to go deeper. While I thought I tended to be more of a thinker, or at least be pretty balanced on both thinking and feeling factors, I am now starting to realize that I'm more of a 'feeler' than a thinker. In specific situations I can be very much a thinker, but deep down, I feel alot more than I think. This can be both good and bad, I suppose. You can't have the good without the bad, right? Most choices I would say I have made about people, life, love, what to do about conflicts,etc have been primarily made through how I have felt...NOT what I have thought.

From a very young age, even though I was a difficult child, I was always very sensitive to feelings. I would spend alot of time with my grandmother and I could just FEEL how much she loved me, so much so that I was totally devastated by her death when I was just 10 years old. I knew she had died even before I 'logically' knew, an intuitive feeling. And while I was so young when she passed away, there's really no one more influential on the degree of feeling and compassion that has been instilled in me than her presence in my early little life.

Would I be as much of a 'feeling' person had she not been a part of it? I don't know. At times I have wondered if being the oldest child has made me that way too, but not entirely. I do care about my family alot, but I care about so many other people too. That was one of the other signs in the book I was reading about whether you're a thinker, feeler,etc: the feeling that you have alot of love/feeling for many people, not just limited to a person here or there. As I read that, I'm like, "Oh my god, that's totally me!!" It can be a great feeling, but it can also be difficult at times....especially lately.

One of the things I have struggled with over the years is frustration over not having a sense of fulfilled reciprocal emotional relationships off and on. Naturally, as I have said, I care ALOT about how others are, wanting to REALLY know their thoughts, feelings, secrets, dreams, fears, etc. And I enjoy those feelings, I really really do. But I also have the opposite feeling that come with it: a feeling of being the one who is taking care of others and alot of times the very people I'm nurturing aren't the ones who nurture/have an inclination to know me. I don't say this out of having high expectations, because honestly I really don't. I have in the past, but not so much anymore. Too much disappointment, too much heartache. I try to just rely on myself these days. But I still grapple with the feelings and tend to pull away from those I don't feel really care.

Lately, it has been two of my siblings. Granted, I know I'm the oldest and it's my 'role' to be the responsible one, see how they are doing,etc etc. But it gets old after awhile when I never get asked the simple questions people normally ask when they care: how I'm doing, what I'm doing, thinking, feeling,etc. I know my two siblings know I'm moving, and yet they haven't said a word about it because they're too caught up in their own drama. It may sound silly, but that's just one of numerous examples. I love them, but this hurts me. Especially since I always try to be there for them. Maybe I need to be more selective about whom I care about and with who I offer emotional support.

Sometimes I think I'm too much of a feeler, too sensitive because when I see true pain (versus someone who may just be manipulative) in a client, I too find myself getting emotional (on the inside). I can feel their pain so strongly that I secretly feel myself becoming slightly teary-eyed. I wonder if this is normal, if I'm too compassionate to be a therapist at times. But maybe it's just a part of the core of who I am. I don't think I'd want it any other way either, as hard and emotional as it can be.

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." ---American Beauty

Ethiopian, anyone?

Last night was a fun adventure. My friend Eddie made plans for Rajiv, myself and another friend to check out this Ethiopian restaurant for dinner. The three of them had never had Ethiopian food before and while I have had it twice in years past, I discovered later that night that I had never truly had the authentic thing until now...just the cheap Americanized substitute.

Ras Dashen (pictured here) in Chicago's Edgewater neighborhood, however, proved to be a cultural delight. Moderately lit for a night-time atmosphere with beautiful African paintings along the walls, we were seated at four chairs with a cool looking traditional Ethiopian "table" of sorts in between us (see far left, underneath the paintings). At first, I wondered if sitting in these chairs without much of a table would be conducive for our party of four dinner. I'm glad we did though because we got the overall authentic experience. We each selected an entree and had about 12 different items to choose from for our side dishes, as we were given three side dishes as part of our dinner to share with each other.

For my entree, I decided on the "#36," Asa Tibs: boneless pan seared tilapia fillets cooked with ginger, garlic, and Ethiopian spices. I was originally going to go for the alternate tilapia dish that was cooked with the spicy Ethiopian spice/sauce berbere, but our server convinced me to go with the 36 instead. I'm glad she changed my mind because it was simply DELICIOUS...the best tilapia I've had in a LONG time!!!!!!!!!!

For the sides, we decided on:
1.) The Qosta, which was spinach cooked with onions, garlic and spices. This was my favorite side. I think I ended up hogging most of this side for myself. hahaha.

2.) Diblik atkilt: green beans, potatoes, zucchini and carrots. It was ok, but I wasn't as big of a fan of this one.

3.) Kik alicha, a mix of yellow split peas cooked with onions, garlic, ginger and green peppers that closely resembled the consistency and appearance of humus, but was more mild/bland tasting.

Before our entrees were brought out, our server brought out a big round metal tray with a thinly spread spongy "bread" called injera which served as our 'plate' in traditional Ethiopian culinary custom. Both the side orders and our entrees were poured onto the injera, including a small basket of thicker injera wrapped in a burrito-like fashion for us to rip apart and sop up the variety of culinary selections (the Ethiopian culture eats with their hands).

I forgot how much fun and interesting it can be to have a new and eclectic cultural experience. Between the food, eating with my fingers (more fun than I thought it would be!), and listening to the live band playing (a cross between reggae and jazz), it was a unique way to spend a Saturday night. I kept thinking of my brother Alex, who would have LOVED this place. I'm not sure if he's had Ethiopian food before, but like me, he's always up for trying something new....especially culturally.

On a funny sidenote, as we were getting ready to leave I noticed a small framed map on the wall near the front of the restaurant. Curious to see what it was showing, I approached the map for closer scrutiny. It had a world map of female obesity trends around the world.

Ethiopia's stats? 0. 0%. Another reason to love Ethiopian food, in my opinion. :)

Closure

How often do we get closure on something or someone? Is it up to oneself to create the closure or can it usually only be accomplished with the help of putting yourself back in that situation or with that person 'one last time' so to speak? I suppose it can be both, but it feels less difficult when you don't have to totally create the closure all on your own.

After feeling a mixture of emotions the past month or two, I FINALLY got closure on someone I care about. I realized all that I was feeling wasn't so much even about him, but more about myself. Sure, I got closure on what this person means to me and vice versa....but I realized what it is I truly want to create for myself in the near future (in regard to having a significant other). I want the comfort and love of someone who will wake up by my side every day, who I know will be there always. I want compassion and intimacy from a man, as scary as that feels to me sometimes. Most importantly, I realized that maybe all along I have been putting up some kind of defenses against having a serious relationship. I can't say it was one exact moment where I realized this yesterday, but I sensed a turning point of readiness....to let myself be seen, known, and loved despite all the vulnerable risks it may and likely will entail.

I thought I had to let go of this person who I had all these unexplainable feelings for, but as it turns out....all I had to do was let go of the idea of the possibility. My caring emotions remain, but the longing is gone. And I feel so much more peaceful with myself, my emotions more balanced and calm.

Part of me wants to express my gratitude for what he gave me, but I also don't think he'd really understand. And that's ok. I think I'll just savor the bliss of peace and growth all to myself. The end of an unexpected chapter and the beginning of a new one....

Talking to my dad

It started out as an idea to give my dad a call last night----maybe chat for five minutes, to ask him how he's doing and updates on other family members. I love unexpected conversations where you go from a five minute conversation to an hour and a half discussion that takes on a life of its own. I was feeling pretty crappy and depressed before I talked to my dad and found myself in a much better mood when I got off the phone to go to bed after hanging up with him. I didn't even talk about myself and what's been going on with me lately. Yet, somehow he helped me to feel better without even knowing it.

Maybe it's because I'm learning more and more about my dad that I never had the opportunity to know about him before....especially his thoughts on things. It's funny because when I was younger and we didn't get along or have much of a meaningful relationship with each other, I tended to think we weren't anything alike. I always thought I was very much like my mom. I still think I'm more similiar to my mom than my dad, but....how I see things differently now!

Granted, my dad and I are opposite in some ways...specifically when it comes to politics. He leans more towards the conservative side, while I'm more on the moderate to liberal side. In the past, I avoided political discussions with him because I figured we'd clash on various issues. But last night I was surprised to find myself having some ideas in common with him and welcomed discussing the interesting topics he brought up: illegal immigration, the latest Iowa caucus findings, the 2008 presidential candidates, and our thoughts on the pointless electoral college.

We also seem to have the same mutual belief in a strong work ethic. If you really want something, you will find a way to reach your attainable goal...regardless of how hard or how much you must work to get there (ie, work jobs that don't pay much, work more than one job, sacrifice some aspects of your life for others at times,etc). I don't know where he heard it (I think he told me one of the cops he works with said this once, maybe?), but he mentioned that in order for someone to want to literally CHANGE, the 'pain' (or agony) of their current situation/rut must exceed the comfort level of familiarity or something like that in order to propel oneself with moving forward and making a change within oneself. I totally agree with that.

I was thinking this morning how lucky I am to have such intelligent and wise parents that have helped pass on these same kind of helpful values/worldview onto me, especially during difficult times in my life when it can be hard to see the proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel.' I'm also lucky to have such conversations with both of my parents. Small talk is fine and to be expected, but I also cherish the 'big' talk with them.

Love you Dad.

Sudanese and the What

As I like to do from time to time, I asked what someone I know (my brother Alex, a poli sci/international relations grad student) was currently reading. More often than not, I am familiar with various nonfiction and fiction books, so I usually know what's currently interesting and worth giving a read. But I also love to ask my family and friends what they are reading because sometimes they suggest something that was slightly under my bookworm radar. I'm glad I decided to check out the book my brother is almost finished reading: "What is the What" by Dave Eggers.

While I love biographies (especially memoir style), this is not a book I likely would have made a decision to read upon first inspection of the description. It seemed slightly intimidating to start reading and I wondered if it would be over my head as far as culturally and politically speaking. I was wrong. If anything, I'm learning alot about Sudan's struggles, its government, the SPLA (Sudan People's Liberation Army), and most significantly, the courage and resilience of its people.

So far I am in awe of the book, 143 pages in. I relaxed on my bed for a good hour or two last night, unable to peel my eyes away from the intriguing and tragic story. It chronicles the trials and tribulations of Valentino Achak Deng, a Sudanese man (pictured here above: found off http://www.valentinoachekdeng.org/ website) who must flee his ravaged, war torn country at a young age in search of freedom and a better way of life.

I couldn't help think of how lucky I am to never have to experience alot of the things this man has gone through throughout the course of his life.

I thought about what it must be like to hear guns being fired right outside your home, with the possiblity that rebels could set your house on fire.

I thought about what it must be like to be afraid to trek across the country in an attempt to flee danger...not knowing what dangers could come across your path along the way.

I thought about what it must feel like to watch your friends and family look death in the face as extremists snatched away lives in mere seconds in front of one's very eyes.

I thought about how scary it must be to run through fields of grass, with the very real possibility of being shot and captured by rebels...or worse, being captured and eaten alive by a lion!

I also wondered what it must be like to have to think quickly on your feet: when to run, where and when to hide, who to trust along the migrating journey of "Lost Boys of Sudan."

And I will never really have to know what it feels like. I. am. grateful.

Stories like Achak Deng's make my life problems and melancholy moods seem quite laughable.....and all the more inspiring toward understanding the human condition from a more hopeful perspective, that of compassion and resilience.

Time to get back to my reading of this book.....

Trust

Have you ever thought about why or how we 'choose' the individuals we trust with our deepest secrets and vulnerabilities? Are some people more trusting than others? If so, what sets the trusting person apart from the non-trusting person (or people) in one's life? Does trusting others begin with trusting and relying on oneself first and foremost, so that no matter who we trust, it doesn't even matter what the other person does with the trusted information?

Are we more inclined to tell our deep and/or dark secrets to total strangers, close relationships, or a random mixture of the two?

Of course, it's alot easier to trust a total stranger when you know you've shared something personal with someone you will never see again or when it's more of a one-sided relationship, hence there is nothing at stake...nothing to lose.

I remember this movie I saw where this guy is internally wrestling with his feelings for this woman (she is unaware of his feelings) and whether he should take a flight out to see her or take his scheduled work related business flight. Instead of revealing his feelings for this woman to HER, he sits in the airport talking to an employee who works there telling her about his dilemna. It was a very intense moment and potential turning point for him, but the stranger was only concerned with whether this guy was going to get on his scheduled flight or not. The man opened up to a stranger, but did he really have anything to lose? No, not really. Maybe this kind of trust is really an 'empty trust,' one of illusion?

We can, however, take many risks in the sake of trust. If you trust the wrong person, conflict could erupt. Other people could get hurt. The one putting themselves out there could get "screwed over" by the 'trusted' individual. One's character, integrity, and reputation can be on the line. Sometimes trust backfires and sometimes it doesn't. Nothing is a 100 % guarantee and yet we still reach out to others. I think it's amazing and intriguing. I just wonder: Why trust who we trust?

I am the kind of person that people must feel very comfortable to be themselves with because I find people tell me things they have not told anyone (or very few) else....or so they tell me. Sometimes I even get "T.M.I." ("too much information") when people feel OVERLY comfortable telling me something I really didn't need to know, something even possibly gross/revolting (on the job). I may laugh or shudder to myself for a moment, but at the same time never cease to be intrigued as to what drives a person to 'let it all out' so to speak.

While I can understand professional trust that can be part and parcel of being a therapist, I am alot more perplexed as to how trust pertains to my personal life. I love psychology. :)

I wonder if I have some kind of 'natural' quality because of my profession as a counselor or if it's something else entirely. Not too long ago, one of my clients told me she hasn't felt comfortable talking to counselors in the past...but she has clearly opened up to me. I asked her how I am different. "I don't know...something about your face...and you just seem...nice."

Are we more likely to trust someone quickly (or at all, for that matter) when he/she is genuine and nonjudgmental? That is the only thing I can think of regarding how others seems to easily trust me. Not that I can't be trusted. The concept of trust just fascinates and sometimes boggles my mind. I take it as the highest compliment when someone shares their secrets with me. Sometimes I get mad because I don't always know what to make of what someone has told me and wonder if I'd be better off not knowing.....but then that turns into a feeling of meaningfulness, knowing I have discovered another aspect of the person. More often than not, it serves to deepen the relationship I have with the person.

On the subject of trust, I also realize ALL of us are essentially vulnerable. And in a weird way, it gives me comfort to trust others gradually a little more as they trust/have trusted me.

This is interesting because while I tend to take the role of 'trusted,' I haven't always trusted others easily. I have been betrayed by supposed 'trust' in my life over the years, but I have also had people I could trust with my life. As I think about people I trust now, I wonder what it is about them that makes them so trustworthy in my eyes.

Here's the qualities that come to mind:

sense of love/caring

a certain degree of social and/or emotional intelligence

sense of humor about life overall

being supportive

accepting me (and themselves?) as is

So perhaps it IS all about being genuine with other people....

I am reminded of something mentioned in one of my favorite books, "Man's Search for Meaning." Viktor Frankl talked about his experiences in a concentration camp. When stripped of what comprises the 'identity' of self, when there's nothing else left, what remains? Connecting on the most basic commonality of all: human being to human being. :)

Adventures of a birthday girl in Michigan

Friday, December 14, 2007: Departed Chicago around 5:30am with my pals Rajiv and Eddie to head for St. Ignace in Michigan's upper peninsula. :)


"Why Michigan?" you ask. Why NOT Michigan?! My friend Rajiv had been to St. Ignace, Mackinac (or Mackinaw) Island, and the Tahquamenon Falls in Michigan and had recommended we go there when we were brainstorming about what to do for both our bdays (his bday is December 9th) while in Argo Tea one lazy afternoon. Thus, an idea was born. :)


The drive didn't seem as long as I thought it would be...probably because I had great company, some fun music, and the occasional laughter producing Mad Libs to pass the time along the way. We arrived in St. Ignace around 2 or 2:30 pm Michigan time (1 hr. ahead of Chicago time). Got settled in with all our crap at the Driftwood Motel there in St. Ignace and headed straight to the motel's restaurant for a late lunch and cocktail. Took a walk down the street after that to check out a few shops, including one that had a Native American Museum in the back. There was a nice and interesting lady working there that we chatted with about the museum's heritage, along with tidbits about the St. Ignace natives and its culture.


We were quickly noticing just how desolate it is at the "mainland" of St. Ignace, especially in the winter according to the locals. Hardly any cars drove by and on the rare occasion a human being was spotted in our vicinity as we walked down the street, the individual passing by would smile and say "Hi, how are you?" beneath their winter clothing. Apparently, most people don't live there in the winter. The remaining locals we talked with would tell us that most people only live there in the winter and live somewhere else in the summer (Florida seemed to be the consensus!).


Talking with the locals was one of the most entertaining thing on the trip. It was funny too because every time we would sit down at a bar or restaurant, the very first question asked of us was "Where are you from?" It was either that obvious we weren't from around there or it's so small of a town that they knew we were out of towners because they didn't recognize our faces!


The lady at the museum that Friday shared with us how she has a penchant for getting stoned while fly fishing on the lake, while our jolly bartender Dustin at the local casino shared that he doesn't leave his house in the winter much unless he goes shopping. (He also told us two funny jokes, one about a nun and another about a guy at at nursing home with Parkinson's, but I'm horrible about remembering jokes). There was "Java Joe" and his wife (Betty? We're not sure what her name is, actually.) we talked with at the Java Joe's restaurant over breakfast Saturday and Sunday morning. They were fun and reminded me a bit of my mom and stepdad. Java Joe was super friendly with a fun personality like my stepdad Keith and "Betty" (for lack of her actual name) had eclectic, interesting things to talk about like my mom. They had lived many places like Denver, L.A, Texas....and "Betty" told us stories about the conservative ways of the locals....as well as some not so conservative folks (she joked that some people don't do anything else in town besides get drunk, get stoned, and "get laid" because it's all they've ever known growing up in the small community). She also talked proudly of her family, particularly her artist son. It made me miss my mom a bit (that was on my birthday too).


There was the bartender at Patrick Sinclair's Irish Pub on Macinac Island who we had a funny conversation with, which partly involved my asking him the craziest thing he's seen a customer do at this particular bar on the island. He told us a drunken middle aged man accepted a dare someone gave him: to walk across the local bridge wearing NOTHING except gloves and socks/shoes. Oh, what idiotic things alcohol can make a person do. Hahaha. Subject of conversation inevitably led to what I do for work. My reply? "Substance Abuse Counselor." He laughed and I elaborated on my drug addict clients.


Then there was the cute twentysomething bartender at a can't-remember-the-name-of-it pub where we had pizza and beer on Saturday night just outside of St. Ignace in Mackinac City. He went on and on about how bad the economy is in Michigan (or at least in the surrounding areas) since they shut down factories, laid off workers, and haven't had many customers in various businesses (including the bar and restaurant industries). He told us he had a young child to support and was only working 2 days a week. Even though we only had a pizza and 5 beers total amongst the 3 of us, we felt bad for the guy (and he was so nice) and decided to leave him a $10 tip after we finished playing a little pool. We're pretty sure we made his night, maybe even his week.


Friday night we took a shuttle (you call them up and they pick you up in a van) to Kewadin Casino just a few short miles away from our motel in St. Ignace. I think we were probably the youngest and best looking people there, but I digress. No big winnings for me. Just some shortlived, albeit fun times, on the penny, nickel and quarter machines. I wasn't a fan of the penny, nor the quarter machine....but I did find this one particular nickel slot machine to be "me lucky charm" (which just means I got to rack up the points and play longer without paying more...hahaha! We enjoyed having a few drinks at the bar, talking with a few of the friendly bartenders and had some dinner there. But the security guards (wannabe cops!) we could have done without. They were being really lame about our taking pictures anywhere NEAR the radius of "the pit" (the term for the floor where all the slot machines and tables are) considering almost all the pictures we took were in the bar area, but whatever. We think they were just bored with nothing else to do, especially since they didn't seem to be strictly enforcing their claims. I got a little tipsy that night. All in all, good times.

On our way back to the motel, our shuttle guy Mike had recommended we try the aforementioned Java Joe's restaurant for breakfast in the morning...so we did. We had omelets Saturday morning and were so impressed that we decided to go back Sunday morning (my birthday!) to try Java Joe's self-proclaimed famous crepes and stuffed french toast. The guys had the crepes and I had the yummy french toast. I thought their food was better than any breakfast place I've been to in Chicago, it was that good! :)


After breakfast Saturday morning, we took the 10:30 ferry ride (the only way to get there, as there are no cars allowed on the island) to Mackinac Island. MANY photos to see later when I post and email through Shutterfly, hopefully later today. :) I had never been on a "real" ferry before besides the silly ones you go on at theme parks,etc. I also had never been on an island. Leave it to me to go to a cold island over a tropical island for a 'first' island experience. Gotta love it.


It was truly cold that Saturday, but we dressed in the highest fashion...with our thermal underwear on underneath to keep everything intact of course, hehehe. If we thought St. Ignace was desolate, the island was EXTREMELY desolate. It was great! :) We were pretty much the only ones on foot; everyone else was on their snowmobiles or could be found in one of the only places open on the island this time of year: the Irish pub. Hahaha. After consuming a tasty and WARM Bailey's Irish coffee at the pub, we "trekked" (as Rajiv likes to say, hehehe) across the island for what turned out to be 4 and a half hours of peace, quiet and absolute beauty. Snow and trees everywhere.


Katie DID have to pee pretty bad though and after holding it for about an hour with no bathrooms in sight, she decided to throw caution to the wind and adapt to nature's whims. Yes, that's right....Handing over my coat and other crap to Eddie, I peed behind a shed that housed a bunch of leather straps out in the middle of nowhere (or somewhere near Arch Rock, to be exact). Needless to say, I felt refreshed afterwards. :)

The main sights we snapped away with our cameras? Fort Mackinac, Arch Rock, St. Ann's Cemetary, Skull Cave, and the Grand Hotel (where they filmed the movie "Somewhere in Time" for those who know the romantic chick flick from the 80's!). The locals around us sped past us with their snowmobiles or could be found hanging out at a bonfire along the lake. Adults drinking and children sledding (usually nearly crashing!) down the hills in the snow. Around 4pm (!!) Eddie suggested we have a "pre-birthday shot" back at the Irish pub to warm our frozen bones before the 4:30 ferry ride back to "the mainland" of St. Ignace. He didn't have to twist my arm! :) After we ate pizza and beer a few hours later, we collapsed at just after 9:00 and slept like absolute champions that night. Hahaha.


Since we had gone to sleep so early though, funny enough....we woke up around 6am: my birthday!! Eddie and Rajiv gave me a card and Borders giftcard as a birthday present and we headed to breakfast. Poor Eddie chipped his tooth (on a CREPE?!?!), but apparently he says he's fine. Over the course of the day, I received random text messages and phone calls from friends. Even though I had no reception on my phone most of that day, it was nice to know others were thinking of me. :) I was able to talk with my mom and brother Alex briefly, but that was the extent of birthday phone conversations. After breakfast we headed out about an hour away to Tahquamenon Falls. Absolutely gorgeous! Took lots of pictures at this place too, then had lunch at the brewery/restaurant on the premises. I hadn't been in a brewery before and decided to try a cherry wheat beer. I also ate something I never saw myself trying until that day: an edible orchid flower. (It came with our meal) I would have to agree with my friend Eddie who said: "It pretty much tastes the way I'd imagine a flower would taste..." Hehehe.


Despite the creepy dead animals (cougars, bears, moose, and any other wintery forest animal you can think of) tacked on the walls, the food we had at this brewery was the best food we had the entire trip. I had a salad with some good bread, charbroiled jumbo shrimp marinated in herbs and beer (mmmm!), rice pilaf, corn, and a bite of a flower. Hahaha. The guys told the staff it was my birthday and so of course they did the whole singing/lit candle on a slice of cake deal. Normally I would have killed them for telling a restaurant it's my birthday, but we were like the only ones there besides a couple sitting beside us....and the "Chocolate Seduction" cake they brought out?!?!? Truly seducing. And I'm not much of a cake person!


Next up was Sault (pronounced "Soo") St. Marie, Michigan/border of Canada a few hours away from T. Falls. We didn't stay there long though because it was dark and everything was closed/shut by the time we got there in early evening. I took a few pictures though. Got back to the motel, changed into my "hot pants" (my new jeans that make me look skinny, for those not in the know with Katie lingo!) and headed back to the casino for a few birthday drinks. My dad had called while we were on our way out, so I called him back and chatted for a few minutes once we got to the casino. Later, my friend Carla called as we waited for our shuttle ride back to the motel. She sang to me and made me laugh about various things, as she always does. Love that woman. :) Once back, it was a Scrabble game with Eddie and then went to bed.

Monday December 17, 2007: We headed back home. While I wasn't ready to go back to "reality," I knew it couldn't last forever. But the adventures of this birthday girl were fun while they lasted....

Embracing a new decade: The 30's!! :)

Sooooooo, the next time I'll be writing a blog on here (because I'm going out of town tomorrow and won't be near a computer again till Tuesday) I will officially be.....30! In the spirit of my upcoming new "decade on Earth" (as my brother Alex says, which made me laugh), I had some motivational moments last week as I contemplated goals and wishes I'd like to accomplish (and/or like to continue doing) in my 30's. In an email yesterday, a friend of mine told me that apparently '30 is the new 20.' Great reassurance. We'll see about that. Hahaha.

In no particular order, here are some of Katie's goals/wishes! :)

1. Let go of (notice I said 'let go' and not 'lose'....if I 'lose' I can find it again, so instead I'd like to 'release' or 'let go of') 30 pounds of excess body fat.

2. Become more active outdoors (hiking and other outdoorsy stuff).

3. Get my very own dog to call my own (Sorry Chloe; I still love you!).

4. Let go of any unhealthy/toxic relationships in my life.

5. Find 'the one' and have a phenomenal, long lasting relationship with him.

6. Travel outside the U.S.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Continue to write honest and meaningful things.

8. Write a book (with Carol?). :)

9. Get involved in some kind of teaching.

10. Decrease my financial debts.

11. Get my next counseling license (whatever the equivalent is of IL's LCPC...so I can get into private practice work someday!).

12. Go on a cruise (Hell yeah! Pack your bags Mom...and Tracy...and Nicole...and whoever else wants to join in on the par-tay!). :)

13. Ride on a motorcyle: at least once. Anyone, anyone? :)

14. Learn CPR/First Aid and become certified.

15. Learn to shoot a gun/go to the gun range with my Dad next time I'm in Florida! :)

16. Get an Ipod. (I REALLY want one!)

17. Stop being a whiner/complainer about dumb shit.

18. Stop being so hard on myself. (Right, Rajiv?) ;)

19. See things as they are and not how I would like them to be (This is VERY hard at times!).

20. Continue being creative with my writing and photography because it makes me happy. :)

21. Continue cultivating honest, loving, and meaningful/intimate relationships with people in my life.

22. Continue engaging in meaningful work with my clients/career.

23. Continue pushing myself beyond comfort zones/fear.

24. Remain interesting by reinventing myself when I feel like it. :)

25. Get married and start a family.

26. Become more attractive and more confident with myself with each passing "older" year of my life!!!!! Cheers to Katie.

27. Utilize acquired wisdom to keep from making the same mistake more than once.

28. Always surround myself (mentally and emotionally) with positive, caring, and inspiring people, ESPECIALLY the strong women "teachers" and "counselors" in my life: Mom, Carla, Tracy, and Carol. Love ya. :)

29. Overcome abandonment and rejection issues: a work in progress.

30. Cut down on my carbs/susceptibility to emotional eating.

31. Ride in a hot air balloon.

32. Organize and participate in a nerdy (but cool, folks!) reading group.

33. Try rock climbing and hang gliding (or is it parasailing? hmmm....).

AND FINALLY......

34. HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. (Most challenging of all, but I'll do my best on this one!!!)

Blood

I had a very bizarre and somewhat creepy start to my morning on the way to work. I was walking to the train a little after 5am. As I approached Corus bank (my bank, actually) at the corner of Clark and Belmont (on the sidewalk), there was a woman making a call on her cell phone. As I waited for the light to change so I could cross the street, something bright red caught the corner of my peripheral vision to my left.

I looked down to see a crumpled up white dress shirt with some kind of design on a part of it....covered in bright red blood. Almost the entire shirt was red, and it wasn't red paint. It was definitely blood. I found myself muttering "What the hell?" under my breath. I turned around to look at the woman on her cell phone and I assume she was calling the police because I heard her say something about calling to report the bloody shirt she found, not sure if it was something that needed to be investigated/"talked about."

The light then changed and I crossed the street.

Everyone has a story

One of the most interesting things about my job (and there are MANY, lol) is working with new clients. Most of the clients on my caseload have been with me for a year or two now, so it's easy to feel a sense of complacency after you've known a client for awhile. Sure, there are unexpected moments in counseling, but it's not frequent. Most of them can be fairly predictable....with their behavior anyway. So when I get a new client, there's an intriguing anticipation (as long as he/she isn't the difficult client from hell...those aren't as much of a treat to work with) of wondering what his or her story is and what has brought them to walk into our door for treatment. Many of them have a long history of addiction, hence some of them have been in and out of treatment numerous times. But what I have learned working with addicts is that no matter how many times they have had treatment, you have to treat them as if it is the first time because it could be the time it works for them. This past week has been stressful and at times chaotic, as Carol and I have been slammed with new clients transferring to us from a facility that closed abruptly for whatever unknown reason. It's always interesting to see how other clinics do things either similarly or differently than us.

So far (knock on wood) my handful of new clients have been unusually cooperative and nice. I guess I'm so used to resistant and non-compliant low income level clients who typically have a bad attitude that working with these new clientele almost feels like a walk in the park...well, not exactly...but you know what I mean. As part of the intake process of paperwork and putting the new charts together, the doctor I work with wants me to pull certain forms from their former clinic charts that we have. Alot of them have been real thick, which means I've had to sift through lots of paperwork. Through this tedious process, I came across some odd 'personal history' forms that this clinic does that we don't do. At my clinic, we have them fill out very generic paperwork, but the real personal stuff is reserved for when I meet with them to do an intake assessment on a program on my computer. It looks like this clinic wasn't up with the age of technology though; everything was on paper/done by hand!! Holy cow. I would have chronic carpal tunnel. How can some places still have such archaic administrative practices? Wow. Anyway, getting off my tangent there.

What I noticed as I looked at this 'personal history' form was what I thought were odd, irrelevant albeit interesting questions they were asking. I joked to my coworker Manuela that it seemed more like a form they would give someone to fill out if they were applying for a job with the FBI. There was a section on nutrition. It asked what the person typically eats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner followed by how often per week they eat each meal and whether they eat a "low," "moderate," or "high" (no pun intended, hehehe) volume of food. An employment section that included how long they were there and if they weren't there anymore, why not. Another one asked how many sexual partners the person has had in the past 10 years and check 'yes' or 'no' for vaginal, anal, and/or oral sex. I'm surprised it didn't ask whether they bought Fruit of the Looms or Victoria's Secret undergarments. Or how often he/she goes to the bathroom or masturbates. It's like, geez. If these kinds of questions must be answered (and I don't believe they do), give the person some privacy to at least not have to write it down on a form that becomes their permanent record in the clinic. Tell the counselor instead on their own terms/comfort level. No wonder it can take clients a long time to feel comfortable trusting and opening up to a healthcare professional.

Have we become too desensitized to treating someone like a human being, instead using labels to describe someone as "morbidly obese," "follower," etc? We as individuals can be these things, sure, but it is only a small part that encompasses our overall self/soul. What's covered on a piece of paper doesn't even begin to reveal the real juicy elements of one's life 'stories' that I get to hear in my many great and at times infamous "Sessions."

Everyone has a story. If I'm lucky, I get to hear their 'novel' with its many chapters....not the Cliff Notes version.

Winter wonderland

For as many years as I've lived in Chicago, I never cease to be in awe of those first few snowstorms at the beginning of each new winter. There's something magical about it, especially at night when the sky is so dark that the powdery snow on the ground glistens in the slightest amount of light. I sometimes wonder how something that falls from the sky can be such a natural beauty. An otherwise boring looking tree in non-snowy cold weather can be suddenly transformed into a "painting" out of a fairytale, covered in heaps of pure white snow. You can hear the soft 'crunch' of your shoes pressing into the snow with each step you take and oddly enough, you can almost hear yourself think....an anomaly in an otherwise noisy city. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

Intimacy is better than 'best'

I was thinking last night about how my friendships have changed over the years. Not too long ago, I was thinking it seemed to me that friendships get harder as one grows up into adulthood and it saddened me. After having a very honest, emotional and thought provoking conversation about this very subject with two very close friends of mine last night, I was filled with quite the opposite feeling though: gratitude. My feeling that friendships can be difficult certainly hasn't changed, but my outlook on it has shifted. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's a bad thing; it can be a very positive thing. At the risk of sounding cliche, the hardest and most challenging things in life can also provide us the most unconditional, priceless reward: love, compassion, hope, honesty, intimacy, and the capacity for profound growth/change (both within ourselves AND within our most meaningful relationships with others). My dinner with two friends last night started out normal, but felt anything but normal as I headed home, walking down my street and quietly contemplating these deeper matters.


Midway through dinner, my friend Rajiv (pictured here) and I got in a bit of a 'spat.' It bothered me more than it seemed to bother him and I was prepared to leave without finishing my meal because I was so upset. Something within myself stopped me though and I decided to stay. I'm glad I did. In the past, whenever I have felt I was being judged or attacked in any way by someone I considered a 'best' friend, I would go in retreat mode. One of my "best" friends from high school betrayed me so badly that I ended the friendship and haven't spoken to her since my last year of undergraduate college. It seemed like my "best" friends either loved me or they judged me. It was a foreign concept to me that a friend could do both and even more foreign, that it's perfectly alright and natural, healthy even, to be a mixture of the two. Still, I sometimes have a hard time knowing how to respond when arguments arise. I tend to think there's something wrong with the friendship if we're disagreeing, not seeing eye to eye. I have to step back and remind myself that conflict doesn't mean a friendship is in jeopardy. Rajiv has given me this gift in our friendship, the gift of a healthy argument. Don't get me wrong, I don't like it. I don't like arguing with ANYONE, let anyone those closest to me....but I have become more comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling because it usually brings us closer to understanding each other in the bigger scheme of things.


My friendships from my early to mid twenties have been shaped by the memories of what a 'best' friend has come to mean for me. I don't like the 'best friend' title anymore and if you know me well, you may notice I don't refer to any 'best' friends of mine. "Close," yes. "Best," no. When I have felt someone was my "best friend" in the past, I have been hurt, betrayed, and confused by what I felt were not genuine intentions. The term has come to have a negative connotation instead of a positive one. Instead, nowadays I like to use the word 'close' friend. The word carries more meaning for me and it leaves me feeling more hopeful of having a genuine and long lasting connection. I have had too many friendships when I was younger where it felt more like lip service, stereotypical and fake.


And now as I approach my thirties, it (friendship) has become so much more rich with intimacy. It simultaneously gives me great terror/anxiety and great joy! Last night, my friend Rajiv had pointed out things about me that he didn't like or found annoying. It really hurt my feelings and it wasn't so much what he was telling me. I kept trying to drill into his head that it was the way he comes across when he has something honest to say. I value honest feedback, but it's all in the approach. Seeing as he and I can both be stubborn about getting our point across (must be a Sagittarian thing, hahaha!), I think he and I could both work on how we communicate with each other. With a good give and take between us though, it's something that we can work on. After raising our voices and brief tears on my part, we were able to work past the argument and have a very interesting conversation about the vulnerabilities of friendship and how scary it can be to open yourself up to a friend in an intimate way. As much as it scares me, I still want it: an 'intimate friend.' So I push myself past the discomfort and look at what's really going on.

It may not happen right away, but our ability to intimately share things with others that may initially be uncomfortable to hear can reap something greater in the long run: knowing that you can still be yourself and no matter how good, bad, or unpredictable that may be, you are still loved for who you are. "Best" friends fade. "Intimate" friends are in it for the long haul.

Interestingly, I just had a session with a client this morning and something he said stuck with me as the perfect analogy for the theme of intimate friendships. He was talking about his pet lovebirds, how they will fight with each other in their cage one minute, and then be kissing each other the next. I laughed and told him that maybe there's something we humans can learn from lovebirds....that even if you're upset with someone you love in one moment, you can be reminded of why you love that same person in the next moment....to kiss and make up. And that's more real than one might possibly hope for in a friend.

With that said, I'd like to include a blog my friend Rajiv wrote last night about thoughts he had about friendship after our dinner discussion. My response to his blog follows, as well as my other close friend Eddie's response to his blog. Cheers to intimate friendships. :)

"What do friendships really mean?" (Rajiv)

I got to thinking about friendships tonite after I got home for dinner. Well, I have been thinking about it for a while now to put down my thoughts just so that, if not for anything else, I can read it again in a few years from now and would force me to think if I still believe in what I wrote today. I hope I do.

From since I was a little kid, being in the company of other kids my age would make me feel good. Being with other kids, playing with them, joking with them made me feel wanted and desired. I never really had a problem making friends at school. I consider myself a very friendly person, somebody who is easy to talk to, somebody who loves to listen and somebody who always is patient. I have been lucky to have had a few very good friends. And by friendships, I mean people I can open myself out to completely and let all my fears, all my inhibitions and all my true feelings out. A friend to me is somebody I will feel comfortable to be bare with, with all my feelings and all that I am feeling. There would nothing to be embarassed about, nothing to be scared about.

I know there are different kinds of friends we all have...friends we hang out with occasionally, friends we go out and have a couple of beers with and then there are friends who we can open ourselves out to completely with both the good and the ugly and would still feel assured in our hearts that they would accept us no matter what.

I have had friends of both kinds in the 31 years of my life. I am sure I am gonna meet a lot more people in my life and I hope I form a few good friendships with at least some of them. But, as I get older, I have realised something about myself that was probably something I have done subconsciously all along, just never realised it. I am the kind of person who believes in real friendships, people who stay with you through thick and thin. Maybe that is why I have a few friends, because I probably expect a lot from friendships. I have very high standards. Friends aren't just the people you connect with to go out and have a few drinks with or watch a movie or two and do small talk with. I mean all that is good, but I am the kind of person who gets tired of that easily. All through my years in grade school and high school and even my college years, I have made friends for the long-term, people I will remember till I die.

Sometimes it makes me wonder as I get older, is it just enough to have friends or do we really need 'more', by 'more' I mean friends who will not be afraid to say what they have to say for the greater good, or will they just succumb to the stereotype? I would personally have friends who would rather tell me how they really feel that just words I want to hear, because even though those words might sting in the beginning, I would know somebody really cared enough about me to have taken that step.

Maybe what I say is difficult to comprehend because none of us want to be lonely really. We all seek companinonships, but at the risk of sounding different...I would rather have just a couple friends who I can truly call my FRIENDS than just people who can fill my address book with.

My response:

Wonderfully spoken. :) And if I didn't answer your question last night, the people I am closest to in my life don't tell me what I want to hear....like I said, it's just the WAY they say something honestly. I too was thinking about friendships walking down my street to go home last night. This whole time I've been freaking out about my upcoming 30th birthday, last night I had the opposite reaction....one of gratitude.

My relationships are only getting better as the years progress, more of the kind you mention: the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable (I don't like to say 'ugly' because to me that word just sounds petty and relationships are more complex than that) all wrapped into one. I think the reason I get so uncomfortable and hurt by things you say at times is because when I was younger my friendships seemed to be 'all or nothing.' Either a friend loved me in a loyal way, or they betrayed/hurt me in some very harsh way. Contemplating this last night though, I realized maybe like Eddie was saying, I too am feeling my way through the dark of what it feels like to have a more 'real' intimate friendship....one that you can laugh with one day, but feel completely vulnerable and exposed with in a good AND scary way the next.

Funny enough, I was thinking about writing a blog about this subject today too....but I think you about covered it Rajiv. :) I still don't think I can live up to your high standards of friendship and part of me doesn't want to. I'm more the kind of person that meets people where they're at (mentally and emotionally), so I think that is why I get frustrated when I don't get that in return in friendships....but perhaps it's like we were talking about last night: we are just different people, and that's ok too.

As long as we can continue to be honest and respectful of one another (you, me, and anyone in a friendship really), friendship can only grow stronger from it. Love you, Katie

Eddie's response to Rajiv's blog:

I concur. Having wonderful, caring people around me often (namely you and Katie) has made it much easier for me to let go of people in my life who didn't have anything to offer. I fall into a rut easily - in many aspects of my life - and having certain 'friends' in my life for as long as I did was really leaving me with an empty feeling. I have far fewer friends now at 29 than I did ten or even five years ago - but you know what? I am happy with this. Like you said I would much rather have a few people in my life that really matter instead of just having people who fill my cell phone. That isn't to say that I don't still have a few friends who are like that - but far fewer than I used to.Ask most people who have 100 people in their cell phone, and they will say the same thing. Only a few really matter. The ones who call everybody they know their friend, well, let's not get into that right now!It's pretty easy. You expect A LOT out of friends because you have had a very hard time meeting people and making friends which turn out to be REAL friends. Your standards used to be lower, and after being blown off so many times, and knowing dysfunctional people, you decided that enough was enough - you were only going to surround yourself with people who mattered.

My date with a 2 year old

I had told my friend Bridget if she ever wanted me to watch her 2 year old son Ian, I'd be happy to do it. I know she and her husband Mark don't get a chance to go out very often for grownup fun much anymore and I love kids.....so when she asked if I could watch him last night, I said "Of course!" While I'm great with kids, I have to admit I was a tad nervous. I have babysat young children before, but it had been a LONG time since I had watched a two year old. I forgot how much work it is to keep an eye on a toddler...regardless of how good or bad the child's behavior. I think I have a newfound respect for first-time parents (Ian is their first and only child thus far). I can totally understand now how parents don't have time for much else (especially the parent that is alone to take care of the child for hours on end) in the child's first few formative years.

I arrived shortly after 6:00pm and boy, were they happy to see me! Bridget told me she has not seen the friends she and Mark would be meeting for dinner since she was almost 9 months pregnant...about two years ago! No wonder she was so appreciative of me watching the little guy. They gave me a rundown of when to give him grapes for a pre-bedtime snack, what to do if he locks any of the doors (yes, he's done it before with his grandma apparently!), when to give him his cup of milk and water, changing and doubling up his diaper before bedtime, and the bedtime ritual (let him pick two trucks to take to bed and zip him up in a very user friendly toddler blanket). I got worried that I would forget something and even considered, "do I need to write all this down? What if I forget something?" I felt like I was back in school, except the subject matter seemed more foreign to me. I began to wonder how good of a mother I would be over the course of the evening. I think I got an "A+" on the average, but still...I had to wonder.

He cried a little bit when he saw his parents get in the elevator, but I picked him up and reassured him with my soft and calm voice that we were going to have fun hanging out together and that they would be back later. We played with oodles of cars: big cars, Matchbox cars, Monster trucks with the big wheels, and the medium sized cars that look nice but don't travel very far when you push them across the floor. I'd chase him around the apartment with one of those things that have the handle: when you roll it on the floor, the balls inside the plastic thing go up and down with a loud 'popping' sound. He ate his grapes and drank his milk. Everything was going swell....until I had to run to the bathroom to pee real quick. Mark had told me earlier not to worry if I had to go to the bathroom ("If he tries to come in, you can just kick him out," he joked). He didn't try to come into the bathroom, however, and his being really quiet is what worried me. When I came out of the bathroom, he was sitting still on the couch just looking at me. Seeing as he is generally a slightly hyper boy, I wondered if there was a reason he was being quieter than usual. Sure enough, I smelled something bad. We had a dirty diaper in our midst...the very thing I was most nervous about from the get-go.

I honestly can't even remember the last time I changed a diaper and/or WHOSE diaper it was for that matter. What if I forgot how? Is changing a diaper like riding a bike or driving a car....once you learn, no matter how long it is before you do it again, you can 'pick it up' again easily? Hmmm, I wasn't so sure. Ian looked at me with trusting eyes and a carefree attitude. I'm glad someone was feeling relaxed about the dirty diaper in this situation. I thought to myself, "Ok, I can do this. I have a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, after all. It's just a diaper, Katie." At least this is how I reassured myself to wing it. I picked Ian up and began to strategize the best way to place Ian on the changing table. Ian seemed longer than the changing table, so this was a bit tricky. After deciding laying him down sideways seemed most feasible, it was time for the diaper showdown: It vs. Me. I had to win. Little did I know it would be worse than I anticipated, but I endured with grace and a sense of humor....so did Ian. With Huggies baby wipes and two Winnie the Pooh (and Tigger too!) diapers in tow, Ian smiled at me with the occasional laugh. I cleaned him up and carefully disposed the dirty diaper in the diaper receptacle to my right as I playfully teased him saying "I'm glad someone thinks this is funny..." Phew, got the cleaning out of the way. That was quickly replaced by an equally anxiety producing feeling: "What is the proper front and back side of the diaper? If I remember correctly, the tape/velcro on the side is the back part of the diaper..." I decided to use the diaper he had been wearing as guidance: Winnie the Pooh is on front, Tigger on the back (Which reinforced my theory, putting the side tabs on the back of the diaper). Success!

Being the diligent babysitter I was striving to be, I looked around for some fresh, clean pajama bottoms to replace the slightly 'spoiled' ones he was currently wearing. I searched a few nearby drawers, but came up emptyhanded. Oh well, I tried. I pick up Ian off the table and put him on the floor, whereupon we work as a team to manuever his little legs back into aforementioned pajama bottoms. I was proud of the little guy. He steadied himself pretty well, putting one leg and then another into each pant leg as he held onto my arm. Mission accomplished! It was smooth sailing after that, minus a slight glitch in zipping up his body blanket as he squirmed around. He babbled a little bit here and there before falling asleep about an hour later, but he didn't cry at all.

Aside from the diaper dilemna, I'd say my date with a 2 year old was the best date I've had in awhile. One could even say there might be a second date someday....

Birth control pill for men?

On my way to work this morning, I stumbled across a morning talk show (Drex in the morning...they usually have interesting cultural topics they talk about) where they were discussing the possibility of a male birth control pill in the works. Who knows if/when it may be approved by the FDA, but I found the idea very interesting and thought provoking. It raises alot of questions (in my mind, anyway)...not only for men, but for women as well.

How many men would be willing to take a birth control pill? Would women trust a man with such a hefty responsibility, especially when a failure to do so could create an unplanned pregnancy? Would this create a whole new can of worms, ie a man being more reluctant to use a condom if he claims he is taking the male birth control pill? Is there a reason certain birth control methods work for certain genders? Think about it. Even with the advent of the female condom, it's not as widely used and feasible as the male condom. Perhaps the male birth control would be the same way? While the idea of a male birth control pill seems great and empowering in theory, how successful would it be in application? I looked up an article online for further info and thought I'd share it here. I'd love to hear your thoughts/take on this, dear reader......

Male birth control pill soon a reality
By John Schieszer
MSNBC contributor
SEATTLE, Oct. 1 — - Forty-year-old Scott Hardin says he’s glad that men may soon have a new choice when it comes to birth control. But, he adds, he would not even consider taking a male hormonal contraceptive. Hardin is like many men who are pleased to hear they may have a new option but are wary of taking any type of hormones.

“I would rather rely on a solution that doesn’t involving medicating myself and the problems women have had with hormone therapy doesn’t make me anxious to want to sign on to taking a hormone-type therapy,” says Hardin, who is single and a college administrator.For the first time, a safe, effective and reversible hormonal male contraceptive appears to be within reach. Several formulations are expected to become commercially available within the near future. Men may soon have the options of a daily pill to be taken orally, a patch or gel to be applied to the skin, an injection given every three months or an implant placed under the skin every 12 months, according to Seattle researchers.“It largely depends on how funding continues. The technology is there. We know how it would work,” says Dr. Andrea Coviello, who is helping to test several male contraceptives at the Population Center for Research in Reproduction at the University of Washington in Seattle.

Coviello and her colleagues have found that a male contraceptive that releases testosterone over three months is potentially a safe and practical method of contraception. The Seattle researchers have been testing a sustained-released, testosterone micro-capsule, which consists of a thick liquid administered by injection under the skin.“I never had any real noticeable side effects. I didn’t notice any mood changes. I may have put on a little weight,” says Larry Setlow, a 39-year-old computer programmer with a small software company in Seattle. He has taken part in three male hormonal contraceptive clinical trials at the University of Washington and has received both pills and injections.“They all worked really well and I was able to look at my lab results and see my sperm count drop to zero,” says Setlow.Women have had the option of a safe, effective and reversible form of contraception since the development of the female oral contraceptive pill in the 1960s.

Female contraceptives use hormones, estrogens and progestins, to shut off the release of eggs to prevent pregnancy. Male hormonal contraceptives work pretty much the same way: hormones, such as testosterone and progestins, are used to turn off sperm production.“It seemed like I was getting headaches and then there were times when I woke up sweating at night and I had to change my shirt. Other than that, I didn’t have any side effects,” says 45-year-old Quentin Brown, who lives in Los Angeles and has been a volunteer in a study of MHCs at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center in Torrance, Calif. Brown has been taking hormonal contraceptives for more than a year. He reports no problems with weight gain or acne, two side effects that occurred in earlier versions of MHCs tested in the 1990s.Brown, who is married and has three children, hopes his kids will one day be able to benefit from the new technology. His would like his son, who is now 17, to one day have the option of taking a male birth control pill.

Brown believes many men will see “their pill” as a good idea and will want to use it.“It is time for men to have some control. I think it would empower men and deter some women out there from their nefarious plans,” says Brown. “Some women are out there to use men to get pregnant. This could deter women from doing this. An athlete or a singer is someone who could be a target and they could put a stop to that.”Studies conducted by the World Health Organization show that men from many countries around the world would welcome MHCs. The WHO has tested MHCs in hundreds of volunteers in various countries around the world and have not found it difficult to recruit volunteers for their studies. Researchers say many men are very willing to become involved in the studies and are anxious to see a male birth control pill on the market.

A range of choicesOver the past 5 years, researchers around the world have had a great deal of success with male contraceptive pills, patches, implants and creams that deliver various amounts of hormones. It is now believed that an MHC in the form of a daily pill could be available on the market within 5 to 7 years and implants could arrive even sooner.

“An injectible or an implant (similar to Norplant for women) will be the first to be approved. The big studies are now under way,” says Dr. Christina Wang, who is heading up the clinical trials of MHCs at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center.She and her colleagues have found that a combination of progestin and androgen implants are safe, effective, inexpensive and entirely reversible. The California researchers have tested several different products in hundreds of men and are also collaborating with investigators in China. A Chinese clinical trial is now under way at 10 different sites across China and includes 1,000 men. The Phase III trial involves a single injection given once every month. Wang hopes to start a similar trial in the United States within the next 2 years.

We are trying to find the best combination with the least amount of side effects and then the least amount of medication that may be required to get the maximum effects,” says Wang.Wang adds that in some countries, a low-cost, reversible and long-acting form of an MHC could become commercially available within the next 3 years. However, she says it will probably be at least 5 years before one is approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.Interestingly, Wang says there is now greater interest in this technology than there ever was in the past and there is now more funding available worldwide than ever before.But will men take it? Some say yes, some say only if their partners make them, and other say they would never even consider it.
© 2007 MSNBC Interactive