An inside look at mentally ill offenders

Interesting and (sadly) accurate reality of the mentally ill offender...

PBS Frontline: An intimate look at the lives of prisoners with serious mental illnesses. What happens to them after they leave prison or jail? Why do they return at such alarming rates?

On fires and flames

When I hear the word 'fire,' it's one of warning: "Fire! Get out of here quick! Hurry!" It's usually a signal of danger, even the difference between life and death, or having a home versus being homeless. It used to be one of my fears as a child. What if there was a fire in the house and I didn't know about it because I was asleep....would I make it out alive? Or say I did make it out alive, what would happen next? If everything burned to a crisp and I had nothing but the clothes on my back, where would I go and how would I get new clothes and all the things of a 'normal' kid's life? I'm not sure if these are 'normal' ruminating thoughts for an elementary school age child, but this is what I worried about back then. Looking back now, I wonder why I didn't just let my mom worry about that for me. After all, that's what parents are there for....to protect and take care of children until they are old and mature enough to do it for themselves.

Even flames were a challenge for me. For the longest time, I couldn't even light a match. No, let me rephrase that...I DIDN'T light a match. Or do that silly thing people do where they get their finger wet, then run the finger back and forth through the flame of a candle (very nonchalantly and sometimes in a cocky manner, might I add). Surely they had some kind of superpower (skin of steel?) I was lacking, I thought. Me? I was petrified of burning myself. It would be such my luck to accidentally gain the title of 'unintentional firestarter' or 'unfortunate burn victim at her own hands.' No, I knew better to leave some proverbial stones unturned in my youth. I could appreciate a nice campfire with LONG sticks to roast marshmallows for my 'smores and fires in fireplaces carefully made and monitored by other people.....but that's as close as I got.

It wasn't until I was in my apartment in Chicago one night a few years ago that I had an urge to see what it would be like to set a piece of paper on fire and watch it burn a little....you know, like you see in the movies when the bad guy finds some incriminating evidence that can be used against him. He surreptitiously throws the document onto a burning fire in a fireplace (I never understood that one, because someone could still come along and find the remains.....kinda defeats the purpose of being discreet about getting rid of your evidence) or takes a lighter to the edge of the paper until the flames consume it almost entirely.

Since I didn't have the luxury of a fireplace in my tiny studio apartment, one night (bored out of my mind with too much time to kill, I imagine) I decided to muster the courage to light a piece of notebook paper on fire. Would it burn quickly? Would it burn slowly, at an angle (like in the movies/tv)? Would it smell bad? Would I be able to blow it out in time once I notice it burning too quick to keep under control? These questions piqued my curiosity. Keep in mind, I was the girl who could barely light a match in her youth. I 'graduated' to being able to light candles by the time I reached high school and college, but nothing as challenging as this. If the paper burned too fast, it had the potential to become uncontrollable, hazardous, maybe even start a fire in my apartment. That's all I needed: "Woman loses everything in apartment fire that spiraled out of control, after setting ablaze a sheet of notebook paper to satisfy her curiosity. Who is curious now?"

Still, it was a chance I was willing to take.