I've never really been one for dating. Some people love it, thrive on it even. I'm not one of those people. In fact, I pretty much have the opposite reaction. I loathe the "game" feel of it all and can go for long stretches of time without even going on a date with a guy, especially the older I get. Yes, I do get lonely sometimes not being a part of the whole dating world, but I'm too lazy to put forth the superficial effort required to find the good ones in the endless pool of bachelor men. Maybe this is why I tend to have innocent crushes on my male friends by default. Having a guy in my life (even if it IS just a platonic friend) whom I can flirt, laugh, and have intelligent conversation with is better than going on insignificant dates with guys I'll likely never see again....
Does this make me an asshole or at the very least a pessimist in the dating realm? I don't know, maybe. But when you do the same thing over and over again, never getting any different results, you want to give up after awhile. A few months ago, someone suggested I try out a free local online dating website (Chicago Reader Matches). I thought, "eh, why not...what have I got to lose?" I posted a few pictures with an 'about me' section (which I even had a guy friend help me edit and "approve" for better marketing, er dating, success). I thought for sure this time it would be different....a transformation of my crappy luck from the past to more winning dating prospects. Or so I thought.
I received a few emails from a couple oddballs here and there. I read them, chuckled with amusement for a few minutes. And hit 'delete.' Then I got an email from another guy who was physically attractive and seemingly somewhat intelligent. He caught my eye and I gave it a chance. We emailed back and forth about four times last month. The emails weren't awful, but they were nothing to write home about either. I didn't feel like I had anything in common with this guy, especially when it came to his seemingly sporty fanaticism. I could only picture how our first date might go: he droning on and on about sports and how much he likes to work out.... me zoning out and trying to think of alternative topics of more bookish conversation (which may make him zone out). I wondered, why did he even email me? We're so different. I know they say opposites attract, but for me personally, 80% of the time I'm drawn to guys who are more similar to me than different. By the fourth email, I started to think more like a guy. He gave me his phone number and I didn't email him again after that. I also didn't hear from him either, until I got an email from him out of the blue yesterday. I haven't responded yet and not sure if I will. Better to cut it off in the beginning than drag things out just to be nice at first and having to explain giving mixed signals later on. Too much effort. Am I an asshole?
Three or four weeks go by and I had forgotten about my dating profile. I even thought about taking it down, another hassle off my to-do list since nothing exciting was happening. Then, last week I get an email from a new guy who seems to have slightly more in common with me. We have exchanged 5 emails thus far. I think 4 or 5 emails has become the set precedent (or determining factor if you will) whether I lose or gain interest. Sadly, I think I'm waning towards the losing interest again. Now, some of you may think "Katie, you're being too picky, blah blah blah." But no folks, not really. Being very UN-picky is what has landed me in trouble or heartbroken, pining away, ad infinitum MANY a times with the male species over the years. So if "picky" takes on a negative connotation, I'm willing to embrace that for alot less heartache and more time and effort in favor of other long lasting pursuits...pursuits with more positive odds for happiness and success. Does this make me an asshole to the dating world? A dateless diva???
Interestingly, my friend Sara wrote a blog on a similar experience recently where she struggled with "being honest vs. being nice" in regard to her attempt to tell a guy she went on a date with that she just wasn't feeling the spark, so to speak. I applauded her on her bold move! Why should a woman keep playing "nice" if it's not going to get anywhere? If a woman asserts herself in an honest way, she risks being pegged a "bitch," but if a guy does it....well, he's just being a guy. Gotta love the double standards...not for me, thank you.
I had a funny conversation with my friend Amber the other day about dating. We were lamenting about how we just don't have the patience to tolerate certain characteristics from potential dating suitors...like immaturity, codependent guys who latch right on to you after just a few dates (her recent experience), and boring guys who can't hold down an intelligent conversation. "We're just too good for these guys Katie." I told Amber I'm not sure we're "better" per se....we just haven't found "that" guy whom we "click" with that can offer just as much to us as we have to offer "Him." Sigh.
She joked how she's going to start her own website called "WhoWantsToBeMyBaby'sDaddy?.com." Hahaha. I think I'll hold off on that idea for awhile. Notice I said awhile. Ahhh, never a dull moment in life.
10 comments:
If your an asshole, then you can place me in that same section! I say be as picky as you feel you should, because I've learned that settling just isn't the way to go. I'm a pretty darn picky person myself, and I don't do the dating scene either. I first start out talking to the person, whether by email or by phone, then if I feel we have a lot in common then I find something for us to do on a simi date..no expectations kind of thing.
I've reached a point in my life where I've realized that having someone in my life isn't all that important. If I meet someone to share my life path with, then great. If I don't, well I'll just be that guy who flirts with all the women up till death..>LOL
You two crack me up...(I realize that is not the intentionI) settling is not something one should do, but if I had not settled, Katie would not be here, and perhaps if you mom hadn't neither would you Ricky! The thing is, it is okay to think this way, I am not dissing you 2, but after seeing Rickys z-blog, and you two waiting side by side on the park bench for the bus, the irony cannot be ignored!
Just remember relationships all need compromises...and I happen to be a relational junkie. LOL
Love you both!
Double standards? What you are saying is that men are inherently bitches. That's funny.
The woman I am seeing now is a total opposite of me. Loud, outgoing, nice. But we have the bookish part in common. And we have become great traveling partners.
We dated before but I did not think it would work because she is younger than me. We hooked up a year later for certain "bad" things that I'm known for. I came to find she was wise beyond her years, more constructive with her life, and more interesting than anyone I'd dated all year.
So I guess I may have settled for an ex, but I prefer to see it as choosing the ex over the lame girls I encountered. Besides she is nine years younger than me and somehow still likes my brown butt. I may be a dirty old man but I'm not a stupid dirty old man!
Ok, here's a mass response to all my commenting peeps (hehe):
Ricky: Thanks for sharing your mutual agreement. haha. ;)
Mom: I love the irony of what you said. Tsk, tsk....that's no way for an enlightened thinker to talk (re: settling)now, is it?!! Just teasing. ;)
Sebastian: Did I inadvertently say men are bitches? Hmm, perhaps there's what we psychologist-like people like to dub as a little "projection" going on in that noggin' o' yours Seb? LOL. Yes, you are certainly NOT stupid....way to go with snagging an interesting chick! ;)
Warning: this blog got me a bit fired up!
First, I don't think I settled for my husband. So I find that annoying when people say they 'settled'. If you settle, that is your problem and a whole other issue.
I dated guys, some that were awful, some that were great, some that had a lot in common with me, others were total opposite, some were jerks, and others were so nice I could hardly stand them! Some I feel in love with and was miserable when we broke up and others I went on one 45 minute date and knew it was not going to work. The point is, I had to wade through a lot of fish to find the Big Tuna! Dating doesn't have to be this tortuous event, it can be fun and exciting and you learn about yourself every step of the way, especially through the heart breaks. And heart breaks are a part of life. You cannot avoid them.
I don't think you are an asshole by any means, and I don't even think you are picky. I think that is just an excuse. But I do think, and I am saying this with love, that you need to get over some things!
Are you afraid of being hurt? Join the club. I mean, you get 4 get emails from a guy and then that's it? For crying out loud, meet him in person, talk face to face. All this technology is really hindering the dating scene, in my opinion. You say better to cut it off in the beginning than to drag things out.........ANOTHER EXCUSE! God forbid you might like the guy or get your feelings hurt.
You say you are tired of doing the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere..........well, duh! Stop doing the same thing over and over again. Set your standards high but keep an open mind. Take a chance on someone! It does not have to be a 'game'. That is something immature people say. You are not one of them.
You say you are too lazy to put forth a superficial effort required....what the heck does this mean?? Stop being superficial, for goodness sake! That is only hurting yourself. Being superficial won't get you a 'good one', they will see right through that immediately.
Maybe I am just a weaker person, but I cannot imagine my life without my husband or my memories of my past relationships. These people shaped my life just as my friends and family have. I cannot imagine going through life without a partner. Maybe you have a best friend that fits this role for you? But I think deep inside you want a partner and a family of your own.
I want these things for you also. If you are truly happy being alone, I would be inclined to take this blog more seriously, but I think there is a lot of underlying issues here.
Good luck and tell me when you go on a date, no three dates, with Mr. Email guy.
Erika
I am the atman
Erika,
I must admit that your response took me off guard and while I did not write this blog with the intention of offending anyone, nor asking for unsolicited advice, I realize that things I write may not always resonate well with others.
I'm not sure if you misunderstood and/or took something I said out of context, but let me first set the record straight that when I mentioned "settling," I was referring to the hardships of the dating scene, NOT "settling" in regards to relationships, marriage, etc.
I think it is WONDERFUL that you found a great man to share your life with, and as you said, you had to go through a lot of good ones, bad ones,etc to get to "THE ONE" you ultimately want to share your life with, raise a family and everything else. I'm not knocking relationships or marriage. I don't even claim to be perfect myself.
When I wrote this blog, it was how I felt AT THE TIME....yes, I may have said it somewhat seriously, somewhat pessimistically, and somewhat in a joking way....but it was MY way of making sense of things, trial and error if you will.
Maybe you're right about meeting the email guy, perhaps I will email him back and go on a date. I am open to constructive suggestions, however, the point I was trying to make is that online dating/"matching" can be a whole other ballgame. In the overall scheme of things, it is not as if I have given up even before I started. I have had MANY experiences where I more than gave it a shot with a guy I met online that for whatever reason, didn't work out.
After so many trial and errors, one begins to wonder if there's something inherently off about a particular approach. Perhaps I had it wrong, going from one extreme (being overly nice/accomodating to someone I just met or giving it a chance/benefit of the doubt in the past...to the other end of feeling like I don't want to compromise at all in the present...extremes don't tend to do anyone much good).
It's finding the balance that is the tricky part and I'm working on it. There's also a difference between knowing something on a rational level, but it may not match your emotional level at any point in time.
I won't go into any more specifics, as I don't wish for you to counter back with things I say being "excuses"....so I won't.
Your suggestion was for me to keep an open mind and I absolutely agree. My hope is that you can do the same in trying to understand where your single friend is coming from, regardless of whether you agree or not on how I go about figuring it out along the way.
Thank you for your candid response.
~Katie
Here's what Erika said this morning(in an email)to my last blog comment and then my response back following:
I support you always. You have so much to offer and I think I'm frustrated that no one gets to have you and love you and treat you like you deserve!! That probably doesn't even make sense.
I don't know why that blog set me off so much, but next time I will not respond. You can delete my comment if you have not already.
I apologize if I hurt your feelings or offended you. I truly am. I thought you wanted me to read that blog and possibly respond so I did.
I read it at least 6 times before responding, but I obviously missed your point.
You are making the best decisions for your life, so ignore me, like you said, I am really biased given my own situation and I need to see that other people are different.
Erika
----------------------------------
Thank you Erika.
Yes, it does make sense. Believe me, it's frustrating for me too! Sounds like both you and I were both frustrated for different reasons, which is possibly why certain things came out in the blog and the comments. It's totally ok. You got me to look at some things within myself, and though uncomfortable, embarrassing, or hard to do, I WANT to grow and change for the better as a person AND in future dating, friendships, romance,etc etc. So I do appreciate you responding.
Please do not feel that you shouldn't respond to anything I write about from now on. And I am NOT going to delete it. I'm not looking to hide anything I or others say....that is the whole wonderfully scary risk of my starting this blog site to begin with....to be authentic, regardless of how it sounds/is interpreted, whatever, ya know?
I want to be courageous and not cower away in fear. That is what I love so much about this new writing venture! It has allowed me the opportunity to face and or become aware of things about myself that I may not have known or wanted to change, or just simply to express myself...but ultimately will help guide me toward good changes. :)
Thank you for being a part of the whole process. And I support you as well!
Love and hugs,
Katie
Words from a Song by Mama Cass Elliot:
You gotta make your own kind of Music. We all have our own music to make...and there are many different songs in the universe!
Nobody can tell ya;
There's only one song worth singin'.
They may try and sell ya,
'cause it hangs them up
to see some
one like you.
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.
I don't think I've heard that particular song before. I like those lyrics. Thanks for sharing. :)
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