Relating vs. relationship

Yesterday I got to thinking about various conversations and experiences I have had with people over the past two weeks, which I will explain in further detail in a minute. After contemplating on the thoughts and feelings associated with it all, I was reminded of a book I recently read on intimacy and thought I would include some insightful quotes from it as part of this blog:

"Nobody can know who you are except you, yourself. They know only aspects, and those aspects are very superficial. They know only momentary moods; they cannot penetrate your center. Not even you lover can penetrate to the very core of your being. There you are utterly alone, and only there will you come to know who you are."

"Relationship is a thing: You cling to it. Relating is a flow, a movement, a process. You meet a person, you are loving because you have so much love to give---and the more you give, the more you have. This is relating: people meeting, sharing, moving, a nonpossessive quality, a nondominating quality. Otherwise love becomes a power trip."

"The moment you accept yourself you become open, you become vulnerable, you become receptive. The moment you accept yourself there is no need for any future because there is no need to improve upon anything. Then all is good, then all is good as it is."

Little did I know I would be applying the wisdom found in these words to my own life over the span of the past two weeks, somewhat joyfully and overwhelmingly. I'm not quite sure why, but I have been busier than usual this past weekend and the weekend prior to last, refreshingly. Usually I don't do much besides work, which may account for feeling a certain sense of dullness in my life alot of times. But then something happened: I started going on a few dates here and there, which I guess put me in a more happier and social state of mind because it flowed over into my ability to "relate" with others in my life, whether friends, family, coworkers, and clients.

At first, it took the form of more people emailing me more often. Then, it seemed all sorts of people were calling me out of the blue too! It was like they had this unexplainable desire to talk with me and me with them....a sharing between two people, if you will. And it wasn't just with one or two people; I started feeling this way with EVERYONE! I would find myself having conversations and/or experiences with others where for the first time, I was seeing a different aspect of the particular person...even he/she seeing a certain aspect of me. I started to think about how much more honest and authentic people are when they let go of the 'ego' and open the door to the vulnerability of true intimacy in human "relating" vs. the insecure/controlling confines of "relationship." I'm sure you're dying for some examples. So here are a few:

My dad recently had surgery on his shoulder and has been in alot of pain the past four weeks, which has left him quite dependent on my stepmother and stepsister to take care of him. What is interesting about this is the fact that my dad has always been the kind of person who has to be doing something, can't sit still. Whether it's building a toolshed in the backyard, tinkering with gadgets around the house, or playing with his camera/Photoshop, and/or his work as a cop, the man is virtually always busying himself. And now he can't. Yes, it's sad, but what's more is that I see a whole different side of my father: one of vulnerability and his struggle to get better, to regain his "independent" ways. I find such compassion and authenticity in that, if that makes any sense.

Feeling overwhelmed by lots of unpredictable things lately, I called and talked with my mom early Sunday morning as I soaked in the early morning sun by the lakefront. I wasn't sure if she would understand what was on my mind, thinking she may jump to "mom mode," but felt encouraged by her ability to share her perspective with me "woman to woman"....versus "mother" to "daughter." Relating vs. relationship!

Then there have been revealing conversations I have had with some male friends lately, some of which have included the topic of sex....they telling me experiences they have had, as well as my sharing aspects of myself (talking about my thoughts, feelings, and/or experiences in that regard, past and present). It was just so refreshing to feel a total unguardedness with them and them with me. Relating vs. relationship!

I had another experience recently with a friend whom I had an on again/off again crush on. For the most part, we have been friends for a year now. I knew he wasn't someone I would realistically date and I'm pretty sure he would say/feel the same way in regard to me, mainly just because as much as we are alike in some ways, we couldn't be more different in other ways. Nevertheless, an attraction of caring and loyalty to each other has remained strong. When we first met, we communicated alot through emails, which made it easier for both of us to open up about many different aspects of ourselves. Over time though, it diminished to more superficial contact...until this past weekend. We got a chance to spend more time together than we usually have the chance to do so. We both unexpectedly ended up sharing more vulnerable aspects of ourselves with one another. In the past, this would have scared the hell out of me, but with all of these culminating experiences of the last two weeks, I felt a contentment I cannot quite put into words. It was more of a comfort, a friendly unconditional kind of love...not just with him, though probably more so with him. Relating vs. relationship.

The theme of vulnerability has become a part of my daily life lately, EVEN AT WORK! Yesterday was a perfect example. I had just been talking to my coworker Manuela last week about a few former clients, just casually mentioning "I wonder how 'so and so' is doing these days...." Then around 9am yesterday, one of the very clients I had wondered about calls me to tell me how she's been doing....even thanking me for helping her end treatment successfully. Keep in mind this woman and I terminated our counseling "relationship" early October 2006! A year later and she calls me to "relate" with me. Wow. What really struck me was something she said along the lines of vulnerability, something like "We think we've all got it together/figured out, but we really don't. We have others around to remind us of that....it keeps me on my toes."

Later on in the day yesterday, I also had a client return after an almost 2 month medical absence. I decided to fit her in for a session, mainly just to followup with her on the progress of her medical conditions. Somehow, the topic steered off in a different direction and she began to delve into things from her past, things I didn't know about that she had never brought up before....even after counseling with her for over two years now. Relating vs. relationship....

I had to talk with my boss in his office before I left work (also, yup...yesterday!) regarding a recent conflictual situation I had with one of my clients, trying to figure out the best way to resolve the problem. In the midst of our hourlong conversation, I saw a different side of my boss for the first time. "I see some of myself, of who I used to be, in you," he said. I looked at him, taken aback in surprise. "Really? Why?" I ask. He goes on to say how he used to take things personally if a client didn't do well and how he had to learn to let go of his ego/thinking a client's problem was about him.....to have compassion for what brought them to need our help in the first place. He believes I am a good counselor, but my lack of experience is what makes my job still challenging, keeping me in "learning mode." I definitely have to agree; my lack of experience with all that drug addiction and its addicts entails gives me the deepest of insecurities at times. It doesn't help that it can be a very draining job....offering empathy and concern to those that can be completely selfish and even downright nasty in their social skills/ineptness at (lack of) relating with others. You tell yourself it's par for the course, but when you have 50+ people you're trying to help with such problems, it becomes more difficult to detach yourself mentally and emotionally at times. It's a very "human" (thinking and feeling) business. Weird as it sounds, it's even more weird to live and work it. But again, my boss somehow found an opportunity to "relate" with me vs. talking TO me from a "relationship" (boss vs. employee) standpoint that I found helpful, humbling, and refreshing. I find myself feeling a respect for him now that wasn't there before....because of it.

Relationships (of ANY kind: romantic, platonic, familial, professional, other personal "roles" we have with others,etc.) tend to carry expectation, anxiety, "chains" of one sort or another, metaphorically speaking. It has been my experience, however, that anyone can "relate," regardless of whether there is a relationship or not. And that represents such freedom, beauty, and joy to me. As stated by Osho in his "Intimacy" book, he uses the metaphor of a river to represent the idea of "relating." If that is so, to me, "relationships" are more like faucets and pipes....they may flow, but they have the propensity to get clogged, backed up, or stop working altogether. But a river....a river tends to always be flowing, calm on the inside, sparkling on the outside. And even when something may disturb the still waters now and then, it eventually goes back to that "flow" state. Notice you don't need a plumber to fix a river.

Let the river flow. Relate.