Freudian couch

I haven't written a blog all week, partly because I've been busy at work and partly because I've been trying to get over a cold and haven't had anything in particular to write about. Even though today will likely turn out to be a slightly busy day at work, I had to squeeze in some time to write something today. No main topic though, just some "free association" of thoughts a la Freudian style (but a lot less bizarre!).

Yesterday I went to yet another free seminar as part of my brilliant plan to get as many CEUS accrued as possible without having to spend a dime. After I left the two hour seminar, I got to thinking that it seems like I feel slightly depressed every time I leave one of those seminars and I wasn't quite sure why. I still don't really know, other than to guess that sometimes it seems like there is more negativity one has to deal with being a therapist than the positive. Not to sound pessimistic, but it feels that way quite a bit....even in problem solving mode. It's like you have to look at something from a negative aspect before you can get to the positive aspect. This may not make sense to the 'outside' (non-therapist) world, but I think it's reality...at least with substance abusers. I think I felt this way when I worked with the young, abused and/or severely misbehaved children at my internship too though. I wonder if I would feel this way with my own private practice. I don't think I would. The background of the clientele plays a HUGE part. Hmmm. Interestingly, the speaker yesterday (really good, by the way) was talking about how as much as we like to throw around the psychological terms "power" and "control", whether in reference to ourselves or others/clients....it's all an illusion. None of us have it, even if we think we do. I pondered his statement and can't agree more.

I noticed something funny about myself when I was at the seminar. This particular speaker wanted to start off by having everyone in the audience (about 25 people) introduce themselves by giving their name, where they work, and what they would like to get out of the seminar. First of all, I hate answering those kinds of questions. They just feel very cliche to me, but whatever. But what's funny is that for as much as I've gone beyond my comfort zones professionally, I still have slight anxiety when it comes to public speaking. I thought it went away the last year or so I was in graduate school, but I feel it come back every time I'm in a room with more than 5 or 10 people where I have to talk about myself, all eyes front and center on me, hanging on my every word. For as much social interaction I have with people on a daily basis, my anxiety goes up in this kind of situation. I felt so silly for feeling that way. Oh well. :)

I woke up this morning having remembered some short and random dreams I had. The first one: I'm walking around one of the "village" neighborhoods back in my old high school town of Kingwood, Texas. It was early evening and I was just kinda roaming around, not really sure where I was going, but I wasn't scared or anxious either. I do remember looking around for signs that other people were around, but no one was there. Next thing I know, I'm walking down the middle of a street in my old middle school town of Chesapeake/Great Bridge, Virginia. Someone is walking behind me. I got the feeling it was a friend of mine because we were talking a bit and I looked up at the dark, starlit sky. I see a beautiful shooting star and get all excited because isn't that rare to see?! I point it out to my friend, but I was the only one to see it.

Next dream: My friend Erika's brother Nick was in my dream. I was talking to his firefighter colleagues, laughing as they were telling me they wanted to play a practical joke on him. They wanted to create a false fire alarm, send their trucks out with the sirens and lights going off, call him to come in to help them out with a fire (even though there wasn't a fire) on his day off or something. They wanted me to help them with their joke, to make it more believable to Nick. He hurriedly jumps into his car and I ride along with him in the passenger seat. The weird thing was that he had a feeling it was some kind of setup...so as if we were in an action movie (hahaha), he starts driving around like a maniac...fast and unpredictably, with the hope that it would throw them off when he turned down the wrong street or obscure side streets. And it worked. The sound of sirens faded into the distance. He didn't know I was part of the plan though. He looks at me and asks me if I want to see a late night movie or if I want to go to a bar ("Cheetah's" I think he called it, hahaha!). I chose the bar. End of dream.

Finally, I only remember bits and pieces of this dream: At first I'm hanging out in this room with a few guys and at one point, they are talking about me as if I'm not there. One says to the other something about how he wanted me so bad? Next thing I know, I'm sitting in this woman's lap (?!) at a desk writing a letter. Another woman comes up to us and nudges me about getting going. I look at the clock on the wall and start freaking out when I see that it's nearly 1:30 in the morning. I don't know what kind of letter I was writing, but it seemed important enough for me to lose sleep over. All I could think was, "How the hell am I going to go to bed and wake up at 4:00am NOW?!" Wow, even in my dreams I'm cognizant of the fact that I have to wake up so early in the morning for work. How hilarious.

After having the wonderful pleasure (note sarcasm) of seeing my awful-not-a-good-person-at-all-ex-boyfriend-from-many-moons-ago the past two days in a row on the morning bus commute.......I decided something has to give, even if I'm the one who has to do something different about it. Fuck the #156 bus, I thought. Today I took the train to Fullerton, then got a ride with Carol the rest of the way to work. And will from now on. The end. :)

Now I'm counting down for my 2 day holiday to begin....