Little Miss Personality

As much as we make changes within ourselves, even outside ourselves (our environment, who we surround ourselves with in our personal life, ad infinitum)....the very foundation of one's personality doesn't change that much. Sure, we may even acquire new thoughts, feelings, behaviors, idiosyncrasies....but who are we really, at the core? Certain aspects that would usually shine on a frequent basis (years ago) may go in hiding for awhile (in the present), but those qualities are still there. And sometimes I think maybe those crazy fun parts of the personality are more enjoyable because they don't come out that often. I'm sure you're waiting for the explanation. Ok, here goes.

The past two years since I have been working, my usual "carefree" and fun to be around/crazy part of me hasn't been 'out to play' as much. While I know who I am and know I still have it in me somewhere (haha), there's just something to be said about my friends seeing that side of me. I think my friend Rajiv saw this side of me, in totality (!!), for the first time last night. Once in awhile a friend desperately wants me to party it up and I just can't muster up any desire for nightlife. In those moments, I will shamefully lament to the friend (it has frequently been Rajiv, hahaha) : "I wish you knew me prior to two years ago. The Katie you know isn't as fun as the present Katie who works six days a week early in the morning." It's not even shame, now that I think about it. I think it's more sadness for myself. I miss that part of me. But again, maybe it makes me all that much happier in the rare instances where I surprise myself...and others.

Yesterday I had an absolute shitty day at work with all kinds of conceivable stresses. I thought I was on the verge of an anxiety attack or at least borderline 'about to go postal' status. I happened to be out running errands when Rajiv called to tell me he was in my neighborhood. He wanted to meet at Broadway and Wellington. The plan was to get coffee, but by the time I was about 10 feet in front of the local dive bar Friar Tuck's, well, I thought to myself, "Fuck coffee. I need an alcoholic beverage!" Most people would probably have a nervous breakdown when they are stressed. Katie has her own breakdown: unpredictable fun. :)

You should have seen the look on Rajiv's face (MANY times, haha!) yesterday every time I did something that wasn't like me...at least that he's ever seen from hanging out with me. One cranberry vodka turned into two for me. We went back to my place to wait for Eddie to meet up with us before going somewhere else. I was slightly buzzed and feeling more relaxed, quirky. I was dressed casually and Rajiv suggested I dress up. At first, I was hesitant, but then I thought, "Why not?!" I know I always feel better when I dress up in more attractive clothes. I also painted my nails a Valentine red. Sure enough, I was feeling a little more feisty as I walked out the door with my hair back in a clip, my best sexy black shirt, jeans, and black boots. I felt like my age. Imagine that! "Grandma" went into hiding and "Little Miss Personality" came out to play for the night. We hit Cesar's for Strawberry Margaritas and then another dive bar on Halsted and Wellington. Cracking jokes, being silly, slightly provocative, rebellious. The only thing missing was some dancing, but I'm not complaining. :)

At one point, Rajiv looked at me and said "I like THIS Katie." Hahaha. I was so proud to have him see that side of me, for him to know that 'she' does exist. And I think maybe she will be totally revived the day substance abuse counseling (aka her "Grandma" persona) becomes part of her distant past.

As I stumbled back into my apartment a little after 10:00pm, I get a text message from Eddie: "U were really fun tonite. We had a lot of fun. Love ya."

My response? "It's nice to know I have the fun girl in me still."

Even with a hangover, I can't help but smile. Being a responsible adult is important, but so is spontaneity.