I recently read this book by Osho that discussed 'types' of characteristic traits we may demonstrate more than others, specifically what guides our overall choices in life and how we (individually) relate to the world. It is pretty similiar to the Jungian Myers-Brigg test on personality (ie, thinking, feeling, judging, perceiving), but Osho's explanations seem to go deeper. While I thought I tended to be more of a thinker, or at least be pretty balanced on both thinking and feeling factors, I am now starting to realize that I'm more of a 'feeler' than a thinker. In specific situations I can be very much a thinker, but deep down, I feel alot more than I think. This can be both good and bad, I suppose. You can't have the good without the bad, right? Most choices I would say I have made about people, life, love, what to do about conflicts,etc have been primarily made through how I have felt...NOT what I have thought.
From a very young age, even though I was a difficult child, I was always very sensitive to feelings. I would spend alot of time with my grandmother and I could just FEEL how much she loved me, so much so that I was totally devastated by her death when I was just 10 years old. I knew she had died even before I 'logically' knew, an intuitive feeling. And while I was so young when she passed away, there's really no one more influential on the degree of feeling and compassion that has been instilled in me than her presence in my early little life.
Would I be as much of a 'feeling' person had she not been a part of it? I don't know. At times I have wondered if being the oldest child has made me that way too, but not entirely. I do care about my family alot, but I care about so many other people too. That was one of the other signs in the book I was reading about whether you're a thinker, feeler,etc: the feeling that you have alot of love/feeling for many people, not just limited to a person here or there. As I read that, I'm like, "Oh my god, that's totally me!!" It can be a great feeling, but it can also be difficult at times....especially lately.
One of the things I have struggled with over the years is frustration over not having a sense of fulfilled reciprocal emotional relationships off and on. Naturally, as I have said, I care ALOT about how others are, wanting to REALLY know their thoughts, feelings, secrets, dreams, fears, etc. And I enjoy those feelings, I really really do. But I also have the opposite feeling that come with it: a feeling of being the one who is taking care of others and alot of times the very people I'm nurturing aren't the ones who nurture/have an inclination to know me. I don't say this out of having high expectations, because honestly I really don't. I have in the past, but not so much anymore. Too much disappointment, too much heartache. I try to just rely on myself these days. But I still grapple with the feelings and tend to pull away from those I don't feel really care.
Lately, it has been two of my siblings. Granted, I know I'm the oldest and it's my 'role' to be the responsible one, see how they are doing,etc etc. But it gets old after awhile when I never get asked the simple questions people normally ask when they care: how I'm doing, what I'm doing, thinking, feeling,etc. I know my two siblings know I'm moving, and yet they haven't said a word about it because they're too caught up in their own drama. It may sound silly, but that's just one of numerous examples. I love them, but this hurts me. Especially since I always try to be there for them. Maybe I need to be more selective about whom I care about and with who I offer emotional support.
Sometimes I think I'm too much of a feeler, too sensitive because when I see true pain (versus someone who may just be manipulative) in a client, I too find myself getting emotional (on the inside). I can feel their pain so strongly that I secretly feel myself becoming slightly teary-eyed. I wonder if this is normal, if I'm too compassionate to be a therapist at times. But maybe it's just a part of the core of who I am. I don't think I'd want it any other way either, as hard and emotional as it can be.
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." ---American Beauty
8 comments:
Both Keith and I are trying to get used to saying "I feel" instead of "I think", one more heart centered and the other more head centered...and Osho certainly does a great job explaining the differences...!
Love you, m-z
My friend Ricky and I had a 'dialogue' about this blog I wrote yesterday. I'd like to copy and paste the following 4 response comments between he and I on here as part of my overall blog. :)
Ricky said:
There are a couple of things I would like to share. One is my thoughts on family. For many years in my life I did the same as you talk about here, I let many of my family members affect my happiness due to the way they were to me. I am also the oldest. But in the past two or three years I have decided that just because someone is blood, doesn't mean that I have always like them. I've decided, in my life, that people get my love and respect from the beginning, but that they have to keep that position. *kinda like a teacher starting off her students with an A, and telling them that it is now their job to keep that A with their work in class* It all depends on how they are to me. If they can continue to show me love and respect in my life, then I will continue to do the same for them. But if they want to fill their life with drama, then that's when I choose to step out of their life, because I choose to live a life without drama. I even told my mother about a year ago, that if she couldn't love me for I was, and give me the respect that I gave her, that I didn't have to be in her life.
As much as I care about my mother, I didn't care for all the drama she tried to bring me into in her life, and I wasn't going to put up with it any longer. I don't judge people for the drama they have in their life, as long as they don't try to bring me into their darkness. Since that time my mother has become a whole new person to me, she only shows me love and support. Now does that mean that she doesn't disagree with some things I do? Probably not. But now she has learned that I'm going to live my life the way I am, and that it does no good to try and change me to who she wants to be. This would have never happened if I wouldn't have let her know that she was at a area of loosing her son.
Most people in this world think that just because someone is family they have to love you, when they find out that that is not always the case then they rethink their situations….or at least some people do…lol
The other thing I would like to add. You mentioned that sometimes you think that it's not so good for you to “feel” so strongly and be a counselor. I believe that we draw to us the people who can best reflect the parts of ourself that we most need to see, help us in the best way. So that would be the same things as to your patients, they draw to them the person who can most help them. My question is, those times you feel like you could cry with your patients, would it hurt if you did? Maybe that is what they really need, is to have someone cry with them. So many times in our lives we sit someone and cry, and we tell ourselves that we shouldn't be doing it, because the person there with us might think less of us. Even if we tell that people over and over again that it's ok to let it out. Maybe the ultimate way to show it's ok is for us to share their feelings with them, and help them cry them out. Just my thoughts though. :) Blessings
My response to Ricky's comment:
Wow, Ricky. Thank you VERY much for sharing your thoughts..and feelings. :) I really agree with what you said, especially about family and not necessarily caring and loving strictly out of 'blood' obligation. Lately, I have thought alot about my (lack) of a balanced relationship with my sister. I have gone through feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, and sometimes even apathy. I have thought off and on about whether I want to/will express how I feel about the situation, but at the same time I don't think she's mature enough to let what I say sink in. Then again, I also think 'what do I have to lose?' At the very least, she knows where I'm coming from. And like you, I can't STAND petty drama. Granted, we all have drama….but like you said, it's all about whether others will try to 'suck you in' to their drama of darkness, so to speak. On a positive note, my relationship with my dad is SIGNIFICANTLY better than it ever has been in my life, largely due to what you were talking about: mutual love, respect, and caring/attentiveness. And that's a great feeling. :)
As for crying with clients…While I understand where you're coming from and agree to an extent, I just don't think it's clinically appropriate for me to cry with them. Crying with a friend or family member is one thing, but it gets tricky when there's a sense of professionalism to uphold on the job. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I feel about it. Doesn't mean I'm emotionally cold just because I don't cry with them. Like I said, on the contrary. Even if they don't see me cry, I have a feeling they can sense the compassion shared in those one-on-one counseling moments. Why do I say that? Because every time I have an intense session like that, right before the particular client gathers their belongings to leave my office when the session is over, he/she turns around, pauses for a moment, looks at me and says “Thank you Katie.” In that moment, I can feel the respect and mutual caring of client and therapist. A very warm feeling for me. :)
Ricky commented back again:
Your probably right about the professionalism, for I'm definitly no therapist, so I have no idea as to what some of the shoulds and should nots to that type of professionalism is. I just caught myself thinking about those kind of situations, and I started wondering if sometimes our doctors, therapist, ect. are just to professional. Now I'm not saying that you don't do a wonderful job as a therapist, and I do believe that you do shine a large amount of compassion to your clients. I just think that the world itself needs to become more personal and less professional, but then again it's probably a good thing that I never followed through with my degree in psycology….LOL I've always been one to do things based off of my intuition, and sometimes I just feel like someone just needs a hug. It's just sad that in the world we live in today, the people who are look for reasons like this to take people to court, keep the people who really need it from being able to get it because it leaves the professionals scared of the liability. The people take them to court, saying the reason is that they invaded their personal, when the real reason was that they just make them feel volnerable. And that sometimes it what really must happen to help lead someone to the path of healing.
Basicly as I said before, it's a good thing I didn't go into that field, because I would have my heart broke the first time someone took me to court for something like this.
I definitely have a lot of respect for you, for taking the chance to try and figure out how to still help people, and the whole time having to watch what you do and how you do it to keep from being taken to court. :)
And another response back to Ricky:
There have definitely been difficult moments regarding what you mentioned (knowing when to help people, but still keep boundaries in mind). Like you were saying, sometimes I just feel the urge to get up from behind my desk and give someone a hug. I have learned the best way to do both is to simply ask the person if they would like or need a hug. Most of the time they will say no, but once in awhile they will say 'yes' and I will then give a hug. But it's hard to resist when he/she says 'no' because in those instances, to me, it seems like the only appropriate, healing thing to do (based on my strong empathy and intuition).
Even though I'm a therapist, I feel that now and then words just aren't enough to convey strong emotional feelings. I think that's one of the hardest things about my work and something I continually am aware of/check myself on from time to time. I try to balance my professionalism with a subtle undertone of my spirituality, which usually helps give an extra dose of 'softness' that people may need from me. :)
I agree though. It's sad that we have to tread carefully with what we say or do in a professional manner rather than speak and act from a more personal warmth and depth. On the other hand, I refuse to compromise who I am and live in anxiety and/or fear about the consequences of my good intentions, ya know?
You know I was just wondering yesterday if I should post those over here as well...lol. Then this morning I come here to check to see if you had any comments on this side, and I noticed there were 6, and I was actually excited to read them all....hehe....little did i know that I gave fruit to two of them and didn't even know it. :)
Hahahaha
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