My friend Melissa (coincidentally, the one I mentioned in yesterday's blog!) emailed me an interesting article yesterday. Every now and then she will send me a relationship or marriage related article, curious to hear my thoughts since I have a master's degree in marriage and family counseling. I welcome the articles because they are usually interesting and/or stimulate food for thought, a good discussion about relationship issues,etc. This one has got to be the most thought provoking one she's sent me thus far. Being a very open-minded person, I was surprised when I found myself getting increasingly annoyed while I read the article. Melissa had just sent me the article link with nothing else but "What do you think?" in the email. I had to respond. I will include the article link here and my (slightly modified) response to it below. Read the article first so that you can understand my response better. Feel free to add commentary yourself, though I think this particular article caters more towards a female rather than male audience. But then again, I wouldn't want to discriminate. Comment if you'd like, regardless of your gender. :)
Here's the article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23053553/from/ET/ ("Why it's OK to Settle for Mr. Good Enough")
and a video to go with it: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23064040#23064040
Here's my (slightly modified, but mostly my original email reply to Melissa) response to it:
I disagree with the author. Out of the many guy troubles I've had, it has been due to this very issue: my settling because I'm too nice and try to accept a guy as he is. And where has it gotten me? Heartbroken in the long run. At the same time, I don't think it's about finding Mr. Perfect aka "the One" (that's a pipe dream) nor is it about just snagging ANY guy off the street (desperation!)...it's about finding your best friend (that part I agree with). But as much as I feel lonely being single at times, I would rather be happy and single than bored and miserable in a relationship!
And her reference to marrying a guy who isn't even straight? That's so silly. I couldn't help but wonder if this woman has many friends because when she was describing certain feelings for people, I thought....can't any of her friends fill this need/role and/or want? Take my gay friend Rajiv for example. He's one of my "soulmates"...but in a friend kind of way; doesn't mean I want to marry him. It just seemed to me that some of the guys she mentions women marrying sound more like friends or roomates....and it is/can be to an extent. But it shouldn't be the main thing.
I don't know, maybe I just have different ideas about marriage since both my parents have divorced and remarried. My mom had a lifeless marriage to one man for about 13 years that I think was a result of her 'settling' in a way (people would actually ask her if he was her son!!!!!!). I think my Dad has also settled in the past. They are both in happy marriages now, but it's because they both found someone who 'fits' with them. I can't speak for them, but this is what I observe from my point of view at least.
I'm not sure if there is a correlation between my perceptions of my parents and my own experiences that have influenced me to believe this way, but I hate the word 'settling.' It bothers me being single at 30, absolutely....but I also don't want to marry a gay man nor one who doesn't really 'see' or 'get' me without it being in a 'more than friends' kind of way and vice versa with how I feel for him.
7 comments:
I think maybe what the author was getting at was to stop looking for the perfect man (because it IS a pipe dream). She obviously considers it to be settling when you are looking for anything other than the holy grail. I guess in that respect, any rational person "settles." I don't like her use of the word "settle," it doesn't appear correct.
Regarding marriage with a gay man, well, I think this is the comment of a woman scorned, a woman who has had her heart broken too many times, because the idea of this is just plain dumb.
I think you're right about her making a point about perfection not being attainable; I agree with that part. I just think she goes about arguing her 'settling' case in a completely moronic way. It's like she thinks if she can't have perfection, she'd rather be with a mediocre person than risk being alone and happy with herself above all else. I don't get that....
And I tend to get annoyed by examples of extremism. Life isn't black and white. There are so many shades of gray. It would be like relating life in a 'one size fits all' kind of way when in fact, you have to judge a situation uniquely in its own right. What may work for me, may not work for her, you, or the next person. Maybe marrying a gay guy works for HER needs, but it certainly doesn't do it for me!
Throwing semantics (such as the ugly term 'settling') into the mix sure doesn't make it easier to figure out complicated situations like relationships either.
It's people like her (the 'pop' psychology relationship gurus) who drive me nuts. They may have had life experiences, but they don't have extensive knowledge of psychology, counseling, and human nature to totally back up what they claim is right for everyone just because it works for them personally. Another reason I don't tend to read or like many 'self-help' books out there....
Sorry for waxing cynical. I'm really not as cynical as I come across here. Lol.
AND...who are these gay guys who want to marry a woman? It's like in her world there are just a pool of caring gay men sitting around waiting to be snapped up by jaded single straight ladies. She lives in another world. Not the real world.
I skimmed this article the other day.
Sounded like she was old and regretful that she was too picky and is now alone to me.
The rest was just fluff IMO.
My personal motto "It's never too late to settle!" Hah, just kidding
Eddie: That's very true. hahahaha
Ditto on the 'hahahas' to you too Josh. ;) And yes, fluff indeed!
I think with the world that we live in that constantly displays these crazy love affairs, we do get an idea in our mind that we are only in love when we have some mind-boggling, electrifying connection. My mother has told me in the past that she has "grown to really love my father over time." I think the author is right that it takes more than an electric connection to maintain it, there is a sense of partnership and teamwork, establishing boundaries, bottomline is that it takes more than just "being in love." How does this person handle finances, do you have the same interests, do you get along with their family, what are your discipline styles. When choosing a mate, it really does have to be a more rational decision than one based on lust ant desire. I think Gottleib's article would have made a better connection if she used a different word for settling. It just has a very negative connotation..
---Helen
Great response Helen! I totally agree with ALL that you said, including the negative connotation of 'settling' and the question of a couple's compatibility in regard to finances, family,etc.
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