What do you think of when you think of 'substance?' Thinkexist.com defines 'substance' as any variation of the following:
1. The most important element in any existence; the characteristic and essential components of anything; the main part; essential import; purport.
2. Body; matter; material of which a thing is made; hence, substantiality; solidity; firmness; as, the substance of which a garment is made; some textile fabrics have little substance.
3. To furnish or endow with substance; to supply property to; to make rich.
4. That which underlies all outward manifestations; substratum; the permanent subject or cause of phenomena, whether material or spiritual; that in which properties inhere; that which is real, in distinction from that which is apparent; the abiding part of any existence, in distinction from any accident; that which constitutes anything what it is; real or existing essence.
5. Material possessions; estate; property; resources.
Which one of the aforementioned definitions of the term do you most relate? (The fourth one is best, in my opinion)
"Substance," is obviously a very broad term to describe just about anything. It could be used to describe substance abuse, a person of substance, a song or novel lacking substance....and the list goes on and on. Is this the reason it can make things more difficult and challenging, if we are searching and trying to make meaning out of what constitutes our own personal meaning of the word in our lives?
I got to thinking about this in regard to relationships in our lives, specifically how much stock we may or may not put into relationships of an 'acquaintance' level as opposed to say that of a 'friend.' There are those who will put more time and effort into juggling the admiration and respect of their 'acquaintances,' at the expense of closer connections (this is what I don't understand, but that's a whole other story).
Then there are those who are more discerning of who they will share their 'subtance' of self with....those meaningful relationships you can count on just one hand. It can be challenging to find those of 'substance' when there seem to be more individuals out there of the superficial variety, or what could best be described as 'contact people' in the proverbial address book. It can be likened to trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Interestingly, those who seek 'substance' to satisfy short term gratification may be the very people who become 'substance abusers,' though do not let the literal terminology fool you. This goes beyond strictly drugs and alcohol. It can be found in those who are drawn to materialistic lifestyles, those with addictive personalities, those grappling with chronic mental illness, and individuals who are just flat out self-absorbed (ie, narcissistic). There are plenty more examples, but these are the only ones that immediately spring to mind as I write this.
What I wonder is, what leads one to actively choose whether to pursue the good, meaningful 'substance' in life (ie, true friendships, beauty, love, compassion, and intimacy to name a few) or the 'darker side' of illusion?
I feel like the older I get, the more difficult it is to find individuals to have 'substance' relationships with and it saddens me. I would think it would be opposite...harder when younger and easier as one ages. I don't understand this. I wish someone or something would enlighten me on why this is the case (or why it is MY perception).
Do people not want substance in their relationships because it simply takes more time and effort? Is it because it raises the stakes of trust and intimacy? Are people lazy? Apathetic? ADD? Bitter? Too angry? Too confused? Too scared? All of the above? None of the above?
I have had relationships where it started out superficial, then progressed to that of substance. I have also had relationships that seemed to immediately have some spark of substance to it, some of which have remained strong and some of which have fizzled. What set one apart from the other (the one that stayed strong from the one that sadly withered)? This is a rhetorical question of course.
As insightful as I am, I'm certainly not omniscent to answer such a complex thought. Still, I wonder. It reminds me of the cliche saying of 'Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.' Can the same be said for substance? ....Better to have had substance once (or, off and on) than not at all? Maybe.
On a brighter note, I am much happier with the quality of the few great substance relationships I have in my life. If I can't have both quantity AND quality....give me quality, a priceless value of substance in and of itself.
4 comments:
Katie,
I find it interesting that in your pursuit to understand what substance is or is not, you make the comparison to the old Greek axiom of "Tis better to have love and lost than never loved at all."
however, what most people don't realize is that, this is but the second part of 3 Greek maxims to be taken together.
Part 1: Tis good to have loved.
Part 2: TIs better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Part 3: Tis worst to have loved and lost.
So, if we apply the same progression to your thoughts on substance, it is the worst thing to have no substance whatsoever.
There are too many empty people in this world and I think that is one of the points you are trying to make. Too many relationships are built upon image or what works from the outside. Is it any wonder why we jump from person to person even after a bad breakup? Is it any wonder that we marry for image and then question why there was such a hostile divorce proceeding?
I remember an old episode of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, where all the people of a certain race wore masks, yet no one knew why. It was revealed at the end that the reason was to conceal the curse that every male looked like one another and every female looked like one another. In that society, any kind of relationship had to be built around substance. Perhaps we would improve if everyone wore a paper bag over their head all the time.
Now, I'm just rambling so I'll close here.
To me it is hard to have quantity and quality at the same time when it comes to having substance in friendships, and it's because we do give so much in those kind of friendships. Substance is all I want in friendships now days, I really don't care for anything less, because I love having people to care about, and having people who actually care about me. I have a couple of hand fulls of these kinds of relationships, and I find myself constantly gaining new ones.
I think that I do this because I give myself fully to people, and when I find people that I connect with I am allowed to give even more of myself. Though I find a lot of people who don't know how to handle that part of myself, male and female alike, though each act differently. Most males do not share deap thoughts or deap feelings, and therefore they are uneasy with someone who does. Then women are always thinking thath I'm trying to get in their pants, and that I'm fake, because what guys could actually care how we feel or how we are doing.
I think that you hit the nail on the head with most of you list, that most people in this world are afraid to open theirself to new people in their life, and if you never open yourself to new people, then it's much harder for relationships to last through the masks. Yes there are a few that will make it through it all and eventually become a substance relatiohship, but I believe it's very rare, because those who are actually willing to to have substance in their life will not normally wait through all the fakeness that most people give off.
I myself think it's really funny watching the world, so many out there in the world wanting to be loved in both friendship and other, but will run from those like myself who are willing to give their love to all those around them.
I could probably type a couple of books on this, but I'm going to leave it here for tonight.
Excellent, thought provoking comments guys! Wow, I love it.
Palo,
No, I didn't know about the Greek maxims. Very interesting. Not having substance at all? Yes, that would be the worst of all. Funny you should mention the mask example because to me it seems like people already tend to wear masks (metaphorically speaking anyway). But maybe if it was something so obviously right in front of you (ie, an actual physical mask...or bag over the head as you suggest, hahaha)...maybe that would encourage a curiosity and/or a yearning for deep substance.
Ricky,
I agree with you; it is extremely hard to have both quality and quantity. In my people pleasing days, I thrived off of trying to attain both quality and quantity with people....but since I have become more happy and secure with myself and what I want in life, my mindset has shifted to that of quality.
I know exactly what you mean about giving yourself fully to people, most importantly those in your life that you feel more of that strong connection with. I used to think there was something wrong with me if I tried hard to create a deeper relationship with a particular person and it didn't happen. It is hard to remember at times that as much as you want substance, others just don't. Or maybe just aren't ready for it. As you said, people will say or act like they really want love, but when it manifests in their lives....they sabotage it or run away in fear. I'm not perfect, I know I can fall into this category at times too and continually try to be aware of when I'm feeling uncomfortable or distrustful,etc. I ask myself if I'm feeling this way for a valid reason (such as, maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I'm not meant to have a deeper relationship with this person) OR...is there something going on within myself I need to take a look at so that this relationship can grow richer, deeper.
I know you were focusing more so on friendships, but interestingly, what made me ponder these thoughts to write this blog were thoughts about a family member. I was feeling discouraged yesterday that my sister doesn't care about me at all, let alone really know the real me.
I had a conversation with my coworker/friend Carol about how it upsets me that someone can be part of your 'family,' yet basically feel like a stranger walking by you on the street. I have friends who are more like brothers and sisters to me than certain members of my biological family. It just boggles my mind how we choose who we let into our private worlds and they into ours, ya know?
What really makes me chuckle even more is people who, in the company of others, will brag about how he/she is SOOO close to you, knows you so well....when most times that person is the one who hasn't the slightest clue of your idiosyncrasies, likes/dislikes, passions, views on life,etc (ie, that of what comprises one's SUBSTANCE). I just shake my head in sad amusement in those moments and step away from the situation. It's then up to the individual to "step up to the plate" if real substance is to be pursued.
The most encouraging and wonderful feeling is when it DOES happen, when two people are both 'ready' to have a more meaningful relationship, to really know one another. It has happened to me with other family members (like my brother Alex and my Dad, specifically...a relationship of substance that I didn't have with either one in the past really), as well as with certain friends and certain clients who have opened....a great feeling. :)
As you said, the more experiences you have where you feel like you have to wade through the fakeness, the less patience you have for it in the long run! The way I see it, I don't give up on people...I just give up on their behavior. Change the behavior (which can go both ways, for good or bad), and it changes the potential of the relationship, eh? :)
I could go on and on too...and already have obviously. Perhaps we need to co-author a book on the subject....
Lol.
You're right. It should be easier to find the substance ("S") when you are older than when you are younger. The reason I think that it is harder when you are older is because an adult has probably gotten hurt/been screwed over and a wall goes up. Far fewer people have walls up around them when they are younger. Everything is new and exciting, the prospect of meeting new people is exciting.
As we get older - I think we just sometimes choose to avoid the inevitable - that growing apart or somebody screwing the other person over, since it seems to happen to all of us. It is HIGHLY discouraging.
People as a whole are superficial with relationships because that is the kind of culture we are in right now. People base relationships on what they look like to others.
Good blog Katie. Shake ya tail feather.
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