Note: The following blog entry here is not in any way a whiny complaint, criticism, or attack against myself or anyone else. It is simply an insightful realization I have had about myself. It may or may not be 'good.' It may or may not be 'bad.' Maybe it's both actually. I'm still processing the meaning. Now that I have gotten that out of the way.... :)
This has been something I have felt and thought about from time to time, even more strongly the last few months since my move to Seattle. I was talking about this with my mom last weekend and though I don't have any specific answers, I find it interesting and wonder if I will always be this way or if it's just the path my life has taken thus far. I have observed that pretty much all of my life I have essentially been alone in one way or another.
Of course, I don't mean in the literal sense, like I live in a cave or that I'm a monk on the top of a desolate mountain. It plays out more in life scenarios, where I see myself more off to the sidelines. It's like I'm involved, but not enmeshed with people.
My parents divorced when I was 2-3 years old. Being that young, I don't recall any memories of them together. I was the only child from my parents and while I have half-siblings from both parents' subsequent marriages, I have felt more like an only child more frequently than an 'oldest' sibling. I spent alot of my childhood flying back and forth between living with my mom year-round and staying with my dad in Florida in the summers. I remember spending alot of time alone and bored during those summers. Most kids love summers, it's what they live for; I hated summers. I went through phases where I was quite a talkative kid and then over the years became selectively outgoing or selectively quiet. I have also felt bored throughout my life...ALOT. I need constant intellectual stimulation, a thirst of which can only usually be quenched through reading.
I was always more talkative around my family, but as I approached my freshman year of high school I was more quiet in class. I liked reading, analyzing things, and listening to what other people had to say (still do!), but I didn't like the spotlight to be on me per se. I always dreaded when a new class would start and the teacher wanted everyone to introduce themselves one by one, tell something about themselves. It caused much anxiety. I was always better one on one than in groups. Still am probably, though I can tolerate it and overcome my anxiety significantly better than when I was a teenager.
Things changed somewhat when I entered college. I joined a volunteer service/sorority organization that I really enjoyed participating in as far as the projects we did. I even became the Service Vice President one semester, making cold calls to different agencies/facilities to set up volunteer events for our group to do and speaking at the meetings now and then. It made me feel confident and great to contribute to worthy causes. Even so, it made me anxious and sometimes frustrated. As I said, I live more as an alone person. I enjoy groups and the sense of community it brings, however, I don't like to overidentify myself with a group. I need to be my own person.
I saw this played out time and again throughout the years. In high school, it was when I was involved with choir. I enjoyed it, but I had no desire to spend all my time doing choir things with all choir members. In college, it was the volunteer organization. I wanted to volunteer with great girls, but other people in my life took front and center as my close friends. I have always been single. I have casually dated guys, but never had a long term relationship (maybe there's a different reason for that, but let's stick to the subject, haha!).
Then when I moved to Chicago for graduate school, I literally WAS alone in all senses of the word. For the first time, I was living by myself and didn't know anyone in the big city. I spoke up more in my graduate classes, mainly because I had something interesting to say or curious question to ask. I got to know my peers from school, yet I didn't become overly involved in friendships with them. It was more on a friendly, superficial level.
I spent more time to myself reading, learning, and working at the bookstore with other people that seemed to be more like me than anyone else I knew in my life....they were somewhat alone too! They were outgoing, yet loners for the most part. It's like we were in this weird and mostly happy alone time 'together' if that makes sense. They were the only 'group' I felt I could share my aloneness with, perhaps because they liked reading, learning, and being introspective like myself.
Then there is my profession. I am an extrovert outwardly because I have to be to work with people. Once the door is closed though, I become alone with that person as their therapist. I spend a majority of the time being silent and listening, giving them my individual time. It is a very independent and 'alone' job.
Writing, which I enjoy, is also an activity that requires aloneness.
Do I seek out this aloneness, attract it, project this 'alone' persona (positively and/or negatively)? Or is this just an unconscious trait I perpetuate? I have been told by a few people that I come off as guarded, like there's this wall I put up emotionally or mentally. When I can see where someone is coming from, I have no qualms agreeing with constructive feedback about myself. I truly don't see this in myself though, and not in a resistant way. I honestly don't see it. Could I just be doing this with certain people I maybe don't trust on some level? I consider myself a warm, kind and open-minded person who typically puts people at ease with my down-to-earth attitude. So I'm trying to look within myself for some answers....
I like my individuality. I also really like people and having intimate relationships with them. Hopefully one day I will be able to understand where the alone factor comes from and whether it is helping or hindering me in the bigger scheme of things.
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