Scott and long distance friendships

Scott and I became friends while working at Borders in Chicago. I'm not sure exactly what year it was, maybe 2003 or 2004. I think I was working alot of 3-11pm shifts performing my usual bookseller duties on the second floor. This typically included hanging out at the art/photography section info desk alot. Scott worked the overnight shifts, collecting magazines and books that were left behind or getting things out on the floor from the stock room. His shift would begin as mine was nearing the end. There was always a surplus of magazines and other various items left behind in the section where I worked, which meant Scott wasn't far behind.

We would talk and laugh about nothing in particular, but never really had time to have lengthy conversations. Once in awhile we would take a lunch break together at the Italian deli across the street in the Hancock building. Over time, we would even hang out every few months to grab lunch, see a movie, or have a few drinks (more so after we no longer worked together). This was the extent of our friendship though, a relationship based on spontaneity and less on any mutual long term loyalty. Not to say this was a bad thing. I think we just didn't have any expectations of each other, in a good way.

I hung out with Scott a few times shortly before I was to move from Chicago to Seattle. I remember the second to last time I hung out with him being the most enjoyable time I've spent with him....probably ever. It was a Saturday morning towards the end of January. I had run some errands after work and Scott called to see if I wanted to hang out with him, in his usual spur of the moment way I like so much. I didn't happen to have any plans for the day and headed downtown. We had lunch at the aforementioned Italian deli/restaurant and talked about his contemplations to move out of state. In turn, I shared with him some recent confusion I was having about a few guys in my life. We ended up spending the whole day doing a bunch of spontaneous things after that. We saw "Cloverfield" at the movie theater, had a few drinks at a dive bar in the financial district downtown, and walked around the downtown area (including stumbling into an old, ornate chapel for a few minutes to listen to a man playing a harpsichord). All the while we talked....about everything. It wasn't until then that I realized how much I would miss Scott and certain things about the fabulous city of Chicago, a spontaneous day with a spontaneous friend for instance.

What I have always liked about my friendship with Scott is that he has interesting ideas, insights, and perspectives on just about anything...not to mention a great sense of humor. A great conversationalist is hard to find and I have always valued this quality in him, especially regarding topics other friends of mine might shy away from.

A few months after I moved to Seattle, Scott moved to North Carolina. He took a giant leap and was excited about the prospect. I, too, was excited for him.

Since his move, Scott and I have talked on the phone quite a bit the last 2 or 3 months. He had alot on his mind and I would listen. He was new to North Carolina and I was new to Seattle. Maybe talking to a familiar friend gave both of us some comfort, changing the dynamic of our friendship. Or maybe talking about things that have been difficult for us added a different element of intimacy to the friendship that wasn't there before. Maybe both. Whatever the case may be, I like the new dynamic that has evolved.

Scott has decided to move back to Chicago because things didn't turn out the way he thought they would, for reasons I won't go into here because I don't want to reveal his personal life in my blog. While talking on the phone with him tonight, I found myself asking him to promise me something. It was as if the words flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to realize why I would ask such a thing, why it suddenly became important to me. I wanted him to promise me that we will still talk on the phone (like we have been) even after he moves back to Chicago, to promise that he won't fall off the planet and become a stranger/someone I never hear from.

We started talking about his idiosyncrasies (that he's absentminded and wants me to 'pester' him if he forgets/doesn't call for awhile) and mine (that I don't like pestering my friends or coming across as a needy friend). This led to a conversation about friendships, particularly long distance friendships. He brought up an interesting and thought provoking question that I sometimes wonder myself. He told me that he has never really been the kind of person to maintain long distance friendships and that he isn't quite sure why he has kept a friendship with me now that we are no longer in the same city. He said this with an honest and sincere curiosity, something he wants to genuinely reflect on in his own time.

I remember learning in one of my undergrad psychology or sociology classes that there are different factors people consider when it comes to friendship and how long they last. One of the top predictors of a long term friendship is proximity, living in the same geographical area. So when I think about Scott's question of 'What am I getting out of a long distance friendship with (whomever)?".....I have to say I wonder why I continue some of my relationships as well.

I love my friends, but they live all over the United States. Realistically, how often will I be able to see them? I can go for years without seeing them, though not because I want it that way. It's just too expensive to travel and see all my friends. Some friends are best in person, some on the phone, some via email correspondence. Yet, all my friends (except Tracy because she lives...yup: near me again) live far away.

So what is the motivation behind long distance friendships?

Friendships are more than about going out for drinks on the weekend or engaging in superficial small talk to stay 'updated' on each other's lives. Near or far, friendships are about connection. Revealing the intimate details of oneself. Inside jokes and funny stories. Sharing in each other's joys, as well as one's pain. Philosophical ideas, goals, values, passions. Experiences and memories, shared or separate. People who love us for who we are, despite our idiosyncrasies. They see our potential and inspire us to reach it. The list goes on and on.

So when I think about why I continue to have long distance friendships without knowing the 'final' outcome or rationale, I just have to think of a friend like Scott and that's all the 'answer' I need.