A cup of coffee

(Written April 30, 2006)

"What are you doing tonight?" she asks curiously, as she debates whether she will ask him if he'd like to grab a cup of coffee now that they're off from work. She decides she won't ask him, as she's always the one initiating their spending time together and is to the point where she really wonders if he cares for her or not.

"I don't know. Probably just hang out, watch some movies with my friends tonight. I was thinking about going to get a cup of coffee though. Do you want to go?"

"Sure," she answers casually, but on the inside slightly surprised and relieved that he wants to spend time with her. They have been friends for almost three years now and she has had an unexplainable thing for him from the beginning (Little did he know until 8 months ago...).

"Just give me a few minutes to read the last chapter of this comic book and then we'll go."

"Ok. Where should I meet you, here or upstairs?"

"You can just wait here...."

"That's fine. I'd like ot sit down for a few minutes anyway" she replies, as she plops lazily on the couch-like black leather chair a few feet away from him.

She has had a long day at work. You see, for about a year now, she has been working six days a week, Monday through Saturday, at the crack of dawn (literally) at a methadone clinic and continues to give a little bit of time to her favorite bookstore in downtown Chicago on Saturday afternoons. Although she is exhausted by Saturday, she isn't quite ready to let go of the supplemental income, the intellectual stimulation in the air, and of course...him. So she keeps going, yawning all the while, but happy because she can't imagine her life without his presence...not quite yet.

"Are you ready?" He gathers his beige messenger bag, stuffing the comic book deep into its pockets, then flapping it shut.

"Yeah, let's go."

It's early evening and dreary with light rain falling as they gaze out the window. Juan has an umbrella that he prepares to open as they step out into the damp, misty air. He exchanges brief small talk and goodbyes with two of their male coworkers who are leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette and making chit-chat. "Ok, bye, see ya later."

Juan offers his umbrella to Katie. She has her own, but tells him it's all disheveled from trying to use it in the horrendous rain/wind storm the previous day. The gentleman that he is, offers it to her and won't take no for an answer.

"Alright. Thank you," she says sheepishly as she opens it up and attempts to hold it over her head against resistant winds. "Actually that's ok. The wind is pretty bad and it's too much effort to hold this thing in the wind..." and gives it back to Juan.

They talk a bit as they walk one block over to the Starbucks on Chicago Ave. They go inside and stand in line behind six people who are waiting to place their orders to the baristas.

"You gave me a reality check back there, Juan. You've made me aware that maybe I need to be more positive. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and get negative about things, but I realize I have a lot of good things in my life."

As they had been shelving books close by each other in the travel section at work, Juan had made an observatory remark that Katie doesn't seem as happy as she used to be in the past. She had asked him if he meant that she doesn't seem appreciative of what she has (because she is), but he just wants her to see she's got a lot goin' on for her.

Inching closer to the front of the line, he reveals to Katie that he too had been feeling less than positive until about a month ago and that while he doesn't look any different, people at work have been responding to him differently, complimenting him, and getting him to be more social.

"I'll have a tall nonfat latte please" Katie tells the friendly cashier, handing the woman her Starbucks giftcard.

Juan orders a grande vanilla latte and while they wait for their drinks to be made....

"I do have one positive thing to tell you--"

"You have lots of positive things" he interrupts her, misunderstanding what she is about to say.

"No, I know. I mean, I have an example of one positive thing that happened this past week at work. I'm starting to get more creative in working with my clients, doing sessions with couples and family members, because my boss is giving me the freedom to do different things, so in a way, I guess I'm getting to do some family therapy kind of stuff after all."

They grab their drinks from the counter and head over to put some sweetener in their coffees.

Katie continues sharing insights and ponderings from the last few days regarding change. It fascinates her how everyone falls on the continuum of change, some slow to change and others change fast before your very eyes.

"I've learned there are three kinds of people. There are walkers, runners, and jumpers," Juan begins.

"What is that, Juan's philosophy?" she jokes playfully.

"Yeah."

"So which one are you?" Katie inquires curiously, eager to hear his answer.

"I'm a walker."

"And me?"

"You're definitely a runner."

"What is a jumper then?"

"Jumpers are people who have everything going for them. They're the ones who graduate two years earlier than everyone else, that sort of thing."

"Hmmm." Katie ponders and again is reminded of why she has not been able to let go of her feelings for this guy over the past year, despite knowing almost without a doubt they they will never be more than friends now or anytime in the future. Flirtation and intimate conversations are as close to 'couple' like behaviors as they will get.

Sitting at a corner table by the window, they talk casually about life and things that only make they laugh and smile. He's still bitter about his ex-wife Lisa. It has been years since their stint of a marriage, but he has yet to let go of the hurt and allow himself to love and trust again. Katie had tried, but the pain and fear inside him is much stronger than all the love she can give. He wants to step outside that comfort zone and take a risk, but all he can do is hold back. She realizes she needs more than he is able to give. Despite her past yearnings, she is slowly feeling like loving him for the kind, wonderful person and friend he has been in her life the last three years.

At one point, Katie looks at Juan and thinking back to him comment earlier about his not looking different, she now tends to disagree...he does look different, healthier even. His hair has grown a bit more, so it looks slightly darker. His facial complexion looks clearer and he is smiling away as she stares at him thinking about how he looks to her. She keeps it to herself, however, as she doesn't want him to be self-conscious, nor him to know she is studying his appearance with her eyes.

An hour goes by and it is time to go. Juan is off to meet up with his new friends, Jasmine and Michelle, who live near him out near Midway airport on the south side. Katie is exhausted from her long week of counseling the various addicts that walk into her office in the wee hours of the morning.

"What are you going to do tonight?" he asks her.

"I think I'm just going to hang out at home tonight and relax since I went out last night..." Katie responds.

He walks with her to the bus stop and turning towards each other, give a sideways hug. Katie puts her arms around him with warmth in gratitude of their friendship, while Juan limply puts one arm around her. Katie is a little hurt by his lack of enthusiasm, sensing his somewhat distance nature, but brushes it off.

"Bye Juan."

"See ya later..." he trails off. Katie scurries off to catch the #145 bus that has just pulled up at the bus stop in front of Water Tower on Michigan Avenue.

She sits on the bus, content now. Not because she is going over and over in her mind the events of the past hour with Juan, but because for once, time spent with Juan doesn't cross her mind.