Mustering courage

It's funny how you get to a point where you think you've really conquered and faced so much within yourself, only to find out you have so much further to go! For as much as I push myself beyond my comfort zones as much as possible, I noticed I am still not totally comfortable with intimacy yet. A part of me wonders if intimacy is harder with strangers vs. people I know (family, friends, a significant other). Some may argue it's easier with strangers, but I just don't know about that. There's no building blocks of a relationship to fall back on (yet) when you disclose something intimate to a stranger, so it feels riskier when you don't know what the response will be. At least that's where I'm at with my writing. Someone called the writing class a "psychological nudist camp" and that's TOTALLY how it feels to me. I'm so accustomed to writing to a "blind" audience here on my blog. There's no one in front of me, looking at me, listening to me speak the words I write. Knowing that makes me feel safe in some weird way, even though the whole world wide web can read it. I think it also has to do with being critiqued by other writers, something totally foreign to me. What if I don't measure up to their literary brilliance, originality, and creativity? I know, I know. I need to just swallow these fears and move into the discomfort....after all, it is only in these moments that allow me to grow in a huge way.

Last night was horrible though. After spending Sunday night staring at my laptop, typing away words, deleting words, sighing from frustration and lack of creative flow, then typing more useless words...I got fed up at the 300 word mark and felt like 'screw this!' I had nothing to show for the assignment and went into class with absolutely nothing, which embarrassed and depressed me. Not only because I really wanted to write something, but because I'm not a quitter. Never have and never will be. I'm also not one to not finish something I start. I've always been the superachievin' A++ student. It was incredibly weird for me to not have completed my "homework," even though it's not the kind of class that dishes out grades.

Towards the end of class, the instructor gave a writing assignment for next week and I'm DETERMINED to write it out, no matter how painful and nervewracking it likely will be. The assignment? Write about an epiphany. This will be difficult because it will entail me disclosing some very personal things about myself, but I have to do it! I already know what I want to write about. I may just write it on here first, as it may help me feel more "free" and uninhibited with what I really want to say, with my writing 'voice.' Stay tuned....