A close friend of mine brought to my attention the other day that a whole month has gone by without me writing/posting a blog. While I would like to blame it on the creative writing class I've been taking since early October, regretfully I haven't even been able to churn out every writing assignment for the class. I can ponder on a myriad of factors, like....I have come to the conclusion I don't like being forced to write about a vague topic in a specific style and in a short period of time, I'm many times too exhausted from my therapy and case management work to have enough energy, brain cells, or creativity to write (I truly feel that everyone except therapists don't understand this, but it's a very real struggle/issue) and blah, blah, blah....but when it comes down to it, I simply feel a block in my writing that I am trying to overcome. I think I am in a limbo state of my life right now, hopefully one of positive growth and change. I spend so much time analyzing at work, and then analyzing what I am doing right, wrong, or could improve upon in my personal life. I get tired of working so hard sometimes when it comes to people....helping them, understanding them, and when need be, letting go of some of them. I guess I'm in the wrong profession, huh? ha!
I'm currently reading a book by my absolute favorite famous therapist/author David Schnarch. This is a man who blew me away with his book "Passionate Marriage," which I read with the utmost fascination, curiosity, openmindedness, and respect when I was in grad school. Few books have provided me with radical insightful awakenings and propelled me to really grow, that book being one of them. Now he has a new book called "Intimacy and Desire," which hasn't been as eye opening as PM but excellent and brilliant nonetheless.
As I read the case vignettes on the couples he has worked with, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to have him as MY therapist. To have him pick my brain....strengths, neuroses and all....I think I would grow alot faster and alot more! I have come pretty far in my personal growth if I do say so myself, but I still feel stuck in the relationship department. There were things he described that I found myself doing, things I don't want to do or be and am trying to change. He also talks about how every relationship has two kinds of cycles: one of comfort (an absence of anxiety) and one of growth (which requires a degree of anxiety and having a secure sense of self to be able to push past the discomfort of anxiety).
If most people cannot endure the anxiety needed for genuine intimacy and growth, it's a wonder to me how anyone has managed to maintain a long-term relationship. Then again, half of marriages end in divorce! I hope I find a man someday who is willing to grow....for himself, for me, and with me. Reading this book about all the potential things one can learn about oneself(and truly grow) while in an intimate relationship with another makes me want to meet 'the one' all the faster, all the more. In the meantime, I'm just gonna keep on growin' by myself. And I can only hope me being able to write more easily and frequently will be one of the tools in the process.
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