Every time a close female friend of mine is pregnant/has a baby, I get to thinking about what I have come to experience in an almost textbook way....what I shall call 'the great divide.'
Let's rewind to the days when my close female friends were single, even just newly married. There was once long conversations ranging from witty to serious, covering anything from worldly topics to mundane, silly, or idiotic stuff we've done. We would hang out, laugh, drink, and just generally...bond.
When my friends started getting married, it was weird enough to think of them as 'married.' It seemed like there was this invisible wall that separated single me from the coupled 'them.' It took some adjustment, but eventually I felt less of a sense of segregation the more friends I saw getting married. Perhaps it also made a difference that marriage didn't seem to change their personality much.
Pregnancy and motherhood, however, is a whole different ballpark. I feel awful for saying this, but I secretly have this weird sense of both happiness and sadness when I find out a friend is pregnant. I'm happy for my friend, without a doubt. From all that I've ever heard and observed, motherhood is this powerful and amazing experience. I even want to know the experiences my friend is having in her pregnancy, what it's like and welcome being an 'auntie' of sorts to this future child with excitement.
At the same time, my friendships are never the same after a child is in the picture. In a way, it's like my friend has "died." No longer is there hanging out, nor long conversations (if any at all) or shared experiences. I used to think maybe there was a part of me that was jealous, but I realized I wasn't....well, at least not jealous of having a baby. The thought of giving birth to a child still frightens the bejesus out of me.
What I'm jealous of is the feeling that I'm missing out on a shared collective experience amongst my female friends who are mothers. They start gravitating (and naturally/understandably so) towards their female friends who DO have kids/are mothers. They swap pregnancy and motherhood stories, a unique bonding all its own. Since I don't meet that criteria, I am not given a second glance. In a way, it feels like an elite members only country club. Sometimes I wonder if it would feel differently if I were also married and expecting....
The more life stages/roles that aren't parallel to a friend's, it's my experience that the more distant our friendship becomes. It's sad to think that the power of bonding in my female friendships is strongly dependent upon shared life experiences. Given that I'm single and childless, I'm shit out of luck because I have no way to 'catch up' and salvage the kind of bond I had once before with these women.
I will always love my friends (child or no child), but I can't deny 'the great divide' exists even if it's the elephant in the room that no one wants to admit is certainly the reality in post-partum friendships. What's worse is that I can never tell my friends this because I don't think they would understand....just as I don't understand how this little human being has changed their world so drastically as to make my interactions with them feel less meaningful than they were pre-partum. They also might think I'm being selfish. And maybe I am, but why shouldn't I be when (at this stage of my life) my friends are all I've got?
I wonder if single men feel the same way in their friendships with men who are fathers. Maybe. But probably not (just my hunch). Sometimes I wish I were a man. I'm sure no guy is brooding about this topic on a blog after 10:00 on a Saturday night....
3 comments:
Unless they are sober men waiting for a baby. Sober only because you never know what will happen this later in the game.
I suppose it's like the divide when we go to college and some of our friends don't. Sure they work and endure tough days, but they don't go through midterm stress, lack of money, idiot group member, and other suck things.
I can see where you are coming from, but I'm the first of my friends to have children. Pray for me as i walk into this unknown terrain!..
p.s. I think Rue's male friends are going through what you are.
Thanks for your perspective, my one and only soon to be father friend. You will be a great dad! :)
Your perspective is enlightening Katie, as I was on the other side of the spectrum in the equation when your age...most of my friends had no children, or had babies and at my age 33, you were 11. I think ALL relationships change when a woman has a child, especially with her husband.
Although a general comment, and not always true, many of my pals say “have one husband to have your children with, and another to grow old with” and I have found this to be true! Children change relationships. Mothers now must focus ALL of their attention on the nurturing of babies, so everything suffers, and unfortunately, it seems as though many do it FOREVER and forget their spouses and friends and then end up waking up one day wondering what happened to them!
Your post was heartfelt and clear and I know you still love your friends and they you, but life is now different. See if you can find one commonality that keeps you tethered and once those children are grown, you will be able to reconnect. I find now the re-connections are delicious and there is more of self involved between women.
I really, really think you nailed this one. Remember when it is your turn, if you decide to have kiddos that your friends may feel similarly. It is hard unless you are a mother to completely understand, like myself listening to women talk of their grandchildren, I simply cannot connect to that kind of crazy grandma energy!
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