Aloneness and the 'invisible'

Loneliness and aloneness may not necessarily go hand in hand. You can be alone and content. You can also be lonely and disappointed in a room full of others...or in a particular relationship. I don't know about anyone else, but when I was younger (and less wise than I am now) I falsely believed that the opposite of aloneness was the key to love and happiness....that in togetherness there could be no loneliness. So why is it that as an adult I see more loneliness connected to relationships than to being alone? Is it because society wants us to hold on to these skewed beliefs and keep us dependent on relationships to falsely 'fulfill' our wants and needs? I partially think so. But to what extent are our wants and needs truly being met when it comes to relationships vs. in aloneness?

The media, the government, religious dogma, and other social institutions indoctrinate us into believing that you cannot do it (ie, live your life) alone....and if you do, it will be a long and difficult ("lonely") road. As someone who lives her life 'alone,' I can attest it can be more difficult in some ways....BUT I also must add that I feel less loneliness by myself than I feel when interacting with or having relationships with others. It may sound strange, but the loneliness I feel when I'm in some way 'invisible' to a friend, family member, lover, or colleague is incredibly stronger than any kind of loneliness I could feel sitting in my apartment in my own company. What do I mean by 'invisible?'

"Invisible" is when you are communicating with or in the company of a friend, family member, lover, or colleague and not once in your interaction were you asked (from a place of thoughtfulness or meaningfulness) how/what things are going on in your life, your thoughts or feelings (about anything really), or your own wants and needs in life. "Invisible" is when the other person talks and talks and talks (usually about him/herself), not giving you a chance to contribute to the conversation or steer the conversation to something more worthwhile. "Invisible" is something I feel when others don't notice when I drop off the radar from time to time (ie, when I don't post anything online, call, or text). "Invisible" is incredible loneliness I feel when I'm upset and want to find comfort in a conversation with a friend, but the friend doesn't return my call nor comprehend the depths of my emotional pain to even bother responding. "Invisible" is how I sometimes feel being surrounded by people who are married and/or who have children when the spotlight is on married and family life (there's no opportunity to be in the spotlight when you're a childless, single woman in her 30's).

No matter how much quantity time we may spend with others we care about, how much of that time do we really see or take the time to really know (and furthermore, understand) the other person? How much of our conversations embody genuine intimacy, a peek into the essence of our deeper selves? When it is intimate, how often is there opportunity for the intimacy to be two-sided (both individuals getting a chance to share something about themselves)? It seems like there's too much 'blah, blah, blah' and superficial chatter. Most people have no problem 'taking' in their relationships, yet few can master the art of giving and listening.

As long as this continues to be the norm, I will continue to prefer being alone to being in the company of any lonely (aka "invisible") relationship.

PS....I absolutely love this video "How to Be Alone." This sums up (to me anyway) the positive aspects of being alone, perfectly and succinctly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

To have or not have children?

You may recall a few months ago I wrote a blog about post-partum friendships (ie, how my friendships with friends have changed since they've become mothers). Well, this blog is a followup/sequel to that blog. I've had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind since I took a trip last week to see a close friend of mine (who is now a mom to a 10 month old).

It's one thing to intellectualize a concept; it's quite another to observe or experience it firsthand. While I once appreciated when friends would candidly tell me their pregnancy and motherhood experiences (the good, the bad, the ugly, and even the gross), I now am starting to resent knowing more than I want to know. "Why's that?" you're probably wondering. Well, as the cliche so succinctly puts it....Ignorance can be more blissful. The more I know about what comes with parenthood, the less appeal it has for me.

Up until a week ago, I never thought about whether or not I would have children someday. Let me rephrase that. I can't remember there ever being a time when I asked myself if I didn't want to be a mother at some point in my lifetime. I blindly accepted that as something I wanted for myself without ever really thinking deeply about all it entails.....especially those first 12 months of the child's life. What's funny is that the last few years I have been worrying about my biological clock, wondering how much 'time I have left' to find the guy and then create the kid. Now that anxiety seems to be disappearing....

While staying at my friend's house for 5 days, I witnessed two very sleep deprived, loving and nurturing parents as they tended to their 10 month old son's various needs. I got tired just watching them! I honestly wondered how they could do it....24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I realize it takes more work in the beginning because a baby is totally dependent on you for everything, but it really had me wondering if I could (or would really want to) make that kind of lifetime commitment/responsibility. I know there are amazing things to parenthood, so I'm not bashing it or anything. I just don't know if it's for me. Or maybe I would feel differently if I had a great husband to share the parenting. It's just hard to conceptualize. Then again, maybe I'm wasting my time.

Maybe it's futile to intellectualize the experience of being a parent because if all human beings did so, the human race might not continue reproducing at all. haha. I don't know. All I do know is that whenever I find the right guy out there that I'm meant to be with for the long haul, I don't want to rush into having a child and 'lose' my significant other before I ever really had him. There are things I want to experience with Future Husband (for instance, traveling together around the world comes to mind as one example) that would be difficult to do with a child in the picture. Perhaps I may decide to be a mother one day, but I also may not.

What I've gleaned from my recent experience with my friend and her 10 month old child is that I don't have to buy into what everyone else is doing just because they're doing it. I can have my own perceptions and realizations, my own desires. I can come to my own conclusions...even if that means following the beat of a much different drum...just doing my own thing. Whatever that may be at the moment.