Dating reveals more about you than the other person

As my dedicated blog readers may already know, I recently posted a blog about the trials and tribulations of the dating scene. I had vented about my own frustrations, more so about pre-dating confusion regarding the likelihood of compatibility between a new guy and myself. My friend Erika, however, pulled a Dr. Phil and basically told me I needed to get over some things and forge ahead anyway. At first, I was taken aback, but the more I thought about what she said...I realized she was right. I wasn't being a "dateless diva." I was being a wimp! It is always easier to pick out the flaws in others than to recognize and work on changing the things we don't like about ourselves, especially when it comes to dating!

Even though I didn't feel a strong connection in the handful of emails I exchanged with Chicago Reader's "Ariesguy2," I decided to follow the well-intentioned suggestion of my friend and give it a try...at least meet in person. Saturday night he called and we talked briefly to finalize plans: lunch at 1:00 at the Thai restaurant, Duck Walk....a short walk for me further down my street (his idea). I had been there once before, so I knew the food would be tasty. It was the other "unknown"-ness of it all that had my anxiety level gradually rising as it inched closer to 1:00. I'm definitely an open-minded person, but mixed with a subtle form of social anxiety....a challenging combination. I think I learned more about myself from this date than I ever learned about "Ariesguy."

Walking out of my apartment building with relative confidence, I found myself getting increasingly nervous, having shortness of breath, a slightly queasy stomach, and an overriding desire to turn around and go back home. The only thing that stopped me was not wanting to be an asshole and stand the guy up. I wondered, what is my problem? Why am I getting so nervous over a guy that I honestly didn't even think I'd feel a spark for? And is it normal to be that nervous or maybe I have some kind of social anxiety? I'm still not sure, as I have gone on other dates and not been nearly as nervous. Perhaps it is because I had not been on an actual date in a very long time....more a matter of feeling "rusty" at it, so to speak.

As I approached the restaurant, I spot a tall bald guy dressed in all black standing in front, looking around for someone. Even though I wasn't close enough to know for sure, I had a feeling it was him. I walked towards him with eye contact and a smile. I remember immediately thinking he seemed really tall to me...but I'm also very short! We walked into Duck Walk, a restaurant with a smaller, more intimate setting conducive to talking and relaxation. As Ariesguy talked, I looked at him and thought about how different he appeared than I perceived him to be from his online profile. I couldn't decide whether it was a good thing or not. It wasn't anything negative per se. I suppose in a good way, he challenged a stereotype I had unconsciously created of him based on what I knew from his online persona. In our emails, he seemed to me more of a sporty guy, having shared that he goes jogging four times a week, likes watching the Bears game on the weekends, and is currently playing with a local baseball league. I also knew he had a few piercings and at least one tattoo. I pictured him in my mind as being a cross between a jock and an alternative kind of rebel.

Sitting across from me, I could see two medium sized silver hoop earrings at the corner of his left eyebrow and a long black flame-like looking tattoo extending from underneath his sleeve onto the lower part of his left arm. He had an average build....neither fat, nor buff. Ariesguy talked about various things in a very mild-mannered way. It boggled my mind in a good way, as I had not personally observed this interesting combination in a guy before....or at least in my dating experiences. It made me realize that as much as I'd like to think I don't go into something with absolutely no preconceptions....I am prone to stereotyping just as much as the next person, sadly. Refreshingly, he didn't fit a "type." Unfortunately, I felt no spark. As open-minded as I was about him, I didn't feel us "clicking." At first I kept pushing myself to hang in there, that maybe I was being a jerk or superficial....but it wasn't even about physical attributes. It was about conversation...or more lack of that "clicking" feeling in conversation. No, there were no awkward pauses or "insert foot in mouth" moments (thankfully!), but if our date had been taped by a reality show....people probably would have been yawning at the both of us.

Being total opposites, we didn't have much in common to talk about. The only part of the conversation that was relatively interesting was when I was telling him my days of interacting with celebrities while working at Borders in the past and he shared his own story of seeing Billy Corgan at the bar Hogs N' Hunnies. Or how another time someone got him an autograph from the Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash.

When it came time to wrap up the lunch date and pay for the meal, I reached for my purse and asked how much I owed. "Don't worry about it, I got it," he said. I thanked him, but secretly felt bad he was paying for my meal when in my heart I knew at that point that I didn't want to go out with him again. Normally, I wouldn't feel that bad, but he was such a nice person. A few minutes later, we walked outside to part ways. He told me he had fun and that we'd have to do it again. I gave him a hug, said "yeah", and then parted with a "goodbye." How do you tell someone to their face, "No, sorry, I don't want to go out again...there's just no spark." I couldn't bring myself to do it.

As I walked home from my "Ariesguy" lunch, I realized maybe I DO have a type....not so much physically as in other ways: someone I find intellectually stimulating, fun/funny, similar interests and values as myself, creatively inclined, and/or someone who is in a "helping" profession like myself. Now I realize there isn't a person who will fit the bill on all of these kinds of qualities I like/prefer, but even just a few to go on will keep me intrigued enough beyond a first date. It's not just romantically either....the more I analyzed it over the past two days, I observed all the people I truly "click" with in my life have one or more of such qualities. One cannot get to a romantic level without first feeling a remote platonic kinship.

So maybe I have it all wrong....maybe dating is more about meeting up and finding a friend in that person whom you "click" with so that you CAN take it to that next level. Pretty simple concept, yet somehow it has been lost on me until now. Note to self: Keep it simple. Remember this on future dates Kate! With that said, I tentatively have a date with another guy from the Reader this next Saturday night. It will be interesting to see if I "click" with this one, as I have gotten that vibe from our online communication thus far.

If nothing else, I continue to learn more about myself with each experience and blog material to match.......