I'm feeling such a weird mixture of unexpected emotions this morning. It started off just like any other day, but feels anything but normal right now. I'm almost speechless as to how happy and sad I feel at the same time about what I'm experiencing, but I'll try. I'm not sure who all reads my blogs or even how frequently/how many blogs of mine anyone out there has read up until this point in time...but for the very few who may be familiar with the different topics I write about, you may have noticed I sometimes write about my work as a therapist.
Sometimes I'm sure I come off as sounding quite bipolar when it comes to my worklife. There are times when I'm totally annoyed, livid, frustrated and a whole other slew of negative thoughts and emotions I go through when it comes to my experiences with certain clients. And then the next blog you might read from me I'll switch to an experience that is quite the opposite: compassionate, fun, joyful, insightful, meaningful, passionately making a difference through my caring role.
I have struggled with whether to write about only the good, positive experiences for fear or anxiety of not being understood and/or judged by those readers who cannot comprehend the private professional world I inhabit...but I can't do that. It wouldn't be authentic. Just like my therapy with clients wouldn't be authentic if I didn't see a representation of the most interesting, positive experiences all the way to the most dreadful ones. I never thought I'd hear myself say this as I type this out now, but I'm glad for the entire continuum because I can appreciate the richness of it that much more. Especially with sessions like the one I just experienced today.
I forgot how wonderful it feels to make a difference in someone's life, to know that I may be one of the few (maybe even only person) who gets to listen to someone's life story.....the journey that brought them from some horrificly dark place to a place of amazing resilience, inner growth, and change. I'm in awe to be a part of the overall process. It also reminds me of my own resilience as a person.
This morning an interesting, smart, high functioning new client of mine stepped in my office at 7:20 am and didn't walk out until 8:45am...the longest session I've EVER had with anyone. I couldn't believe everything that he went through to get to where he is now (he's great now, sober, stable, insightful) as he gave me a detailed account of what led him down a dark path of depression, addiction, and relationships with others gone bad. He didn't give any excuses or lies (I have a great inner lie detector test for picking up BS when I hear it so I know he wasn't lying); he was very honest and sincere as he spoke about such intimate experiences.
I felt honored that he was talking to me so very candidly about all of it and I strangely wondered if I weren't his therapist if we could have been friends in different life circumstances. I know that sounds weird, but that is honestly what I think and feel. It is what can make my job so surreal at times because when it comes down to it, it is a very 'human' job.
When people connect and bond with you on the most intimate things about their lives, how can you not be somehow affected on a personal level....to be able to relate something about that person to something you have thought and/or felt yourself? That was one thing I was never truly taught in graduate school. There was always SO much focus on "What's going on with the client?"....that there was little focus on thinking about the other side of the coin: "What's going on with the therapist (in relation to the client)?" But then again, it's not something that can be taught I suppose; it has to be experienced firsthand.
I feel like I'm rambling, but basically what I'm trying to say is how much I love my work as a therapist. It's a love hate relationship, but when it's in the 'love' phase....wow, amazing.
I love when I'm respected and appreciated as a role in a client's life. I love the meaningfulness of making a difference. At my current job, I rarely have these overwhelming good feeling moments due to the more 'rough around the edges' nature of the drug addicted population, but there are some clients here and there I truly enjoy working with and it gives me the reassurance that I'm following my bliss and passion as a therapist.
A part of me is starting to have a really hard time with knowing how to terminate my relationship with clients in the next month. They don't know that I'm moving yet and I feel such a tremendous amount of guilt and sadness, dreading the day I will have to individually tell each one (more so the ones who are my favorites/feel the most rapport with) that I am leaving. In my mind I logically know I can and will 'let go' in a professional way, but in my heart it is more difficult. It's a professional relationship, but it's still a relationship. I secretly wish I could just scoop up all the ones I really like and take them to Washington with me so I can continue working with them. I'm honestly going to miss some of them.
Being a therapist leaves me feeling a little bipolar sometimes and yet, I wouldn't want it any other way. You have to have a little craziness in you to be a therapist, so go ahead...call me crazy. I'll take it as the highest compliment. Because I am.
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