Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs)

I wanted to share something I found from a book I had to read for my "Chemical Dependency and the Family" class I took this semester. Very interesting and it really made alot of sense to me. I have personally seen the numerous characteristics described play out in ACOAs I know....

(From Before It's Too Late: Working with Substance Abuse in the Family by David Treadway)

Most ACOAs are unaware of the relationship between their early life experiences growing up in a dysfunctional family and the problems that bring them into treatment. Yet, due to the legacy of low self-esteem, difficulties with trust, unresolved dependency, and blocked affect, adult children are likely to develop a wide variety of symptoms. In addition to being at very high risk for replicating the alcoholic family system by becoming an alcoholic, marrying one, or parenting one, ACOAs are particularly vulnerable to having difficulties in their close relationships.

A strong fear of being hurt and a desire for nurturance are usually the prime motivating forces for ACOAs in their relationships. For most ACOAs, these needs for safety and for intimacy are mutually exclusive. Intimacy is based on the partners's being trusting, affectively available, and interdependent. For the adult child this is a very unsafe position, one that almost always evokes the sense of danger, dread, and entrapment from childhood.

ACOAs struggle often unconsciously to find a form of intimacy that doesn't sacrifice safety. Many adult children simply avoid becoming too close to others, preferring a life alone to the risks of being hurt in a close relationship. Others find ways to engage in self-protective partial intimacy. They may find emotional closeness acceptable, but sexual intimacy impossible or vice versa. They may become emotional pursuers, thereby avoiding the anxiety of waiting to be sought after. Alternatively, they may play the role of distancer, avoiding the risk of rejection. Some individuals manage by maintaining multiple relationships, rather than putting all their emotional eggs in one basket.

The need for safety is compounded by the fact that adult children usually are blocked affectively and have very little underlying self-esteem. This leads them to be unaware of how they are expressing their anxiety and neediness in relationships as well as afraid that everything is their fault in the first place. Adult children are prone to remain in abusive relationships because they are not in touch with feeling abused and feel they don't deserve any better.

Finally, ACOAs seek in their present relationships a chance to make up for their past pain. They may look to marry strong competent people who, they hope, will be able to take care of them in a way that didn't happen in their childhood. Conversely, they may marry underfunctioning spouses, since they feel most comfortable in the caretaker role. Such a marriage gives them a chance to rewrite the story. The young woman may not have been able to rescue her alcoholic father, but maybe she can transform this rebellious young man with her love.

Seeking in one's adult relationships emotional reparations for the hurts of childhood is an effort doomed to failure. No matter how much the spouse loves the ACOA, he/she can't really make up for the past and will often feel inadequate. Spouses become frustrated and tend to distance because they feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. This response only confirms the ACOAs' worst fear, which is that other people will ultimately abandon them.