I used to be somewhat of a control freak. I thrived on structure, planning, organizing, working ambitiously at whatever it is I wanted. If I did A, B, and C, then D, E, and F would happen. Or so I had believed. The way I viewed life, people, and even myself changed that summer of 2005. I became more uncertain. The more I thought I knew, the less I knew. The instances in which I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, what was going to happen....those seemed to be the times I felt most free, most alive. Surrendered to the unknown. Eventually even an unexplainable comfort arose in me in such moments.
I left off by telling you how the methadone job opportunity fell in my lap. What I haven't told you is that I also thought I would be working where B worked, at the downtown clinic. B thought one of the employees would be leaving soon and that I could be his replacement. I called her boss to express interest. I met with him for a very informal interview (he took a phone call within minutes of us stepping into his office). I don't recall him scrutinizing my resume'. He was overly nonchalant, so much in fact that I questioned whether he was all that serious about considering me as a potential candidate for hire. Only now in retrospect can I reflect on this as being a very telling snapshot of his personality and how he operates, even in serious matters. As unsure as I was about the interview, I did have one thing going for me. B. told me loyalty was an important trait to him. If B. was recommending me as a new employee, I must be worth him taking a second glance of consideration. Still, I waited with bated breath. Especially after I heard what I was truly up against, the risk I was willing to take in the name of obtaining full-time employment...anywhere. I was in for a shocker.
If I were to take the position, it would not be downtown. It would be at a brand new clinic he was in the process of opening up on the northside of Chicago. He already had two existing clinics, one in the suburbs of Chicago and the other near downtown. The epitome of a businessman attempting to close a successful deal, he strategized and bargained. We could both benefit, he coaxed. With my help, he could establish another avenue of his business in the hopes of longterm growth, professional profit, and the utmost reputation of what we could offer to 'consumers.' With his help, I could seize the opportunity for what it would ultimately turn out to be: one helluva learning experience.....nothing I could ever find in a graduate school textbook or the most experiential/role playing of intellectual classes. He was offering me the School of Hard Knocks.
I knew what to expect from academia. Papers, practicums, analyzing hypothetical situations. I didn't know what to expect from this. I would be the only counselor, working with only a few other staff members. I would not be micromanaged, nor have supervision readily available. I would need to deactivate a security alarm to walk through the door every day for safety reasons. I would be starting my day while most people in the city of Chicago were still sleeping, 6am. I would have to put on somewhat of a front that I knew what I was doing or I would be eaten alive by manipulative addicts. I was scared shitless. And I accepted the position.
The first few weeks were devoted to rudimentary training basics and then.....I was on. my. own.
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