Intimacy, redefined

I'd like to share an excerpt from a book I'm currently reading ("Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel) because it really resonated with me. I've been reflecting on this quite a bit lately...how it pertains to my own relationships with people.

"In my work with patients I stress that intimacy isn't monolithic; nor is it always consistent. It is intermittent, meant to wax and wane even in the best relationships. The family therapist Kaethe Weingarten steers us away from looking at intimacy as a static feature of a relationship; she sees it instead as a quality of interaction that takes place in isolated moments and that exists both within and without long-term commitment. There's the synchronization of dance partners, the sudden identification between strangers on a plane, the solidarity of witnesses to a catastrophe, the mutual recognition of survivors---of breast cancer, alcoholism, terrorism, divorce. There's the intimacy between professionals and those they serve---doctor and patient, therapist and client, stripper and regular. While we expect to experience these discreet moments of recognition in ongoing relationships, they are not necessarily bound to any overarching narrative. They can be circumstantial, spontaneous, and without follow-up. Informed by Weingarten's ideas, I no longer look at relationships as being either intimate or not. Instead, I track each couple's ability to engage in a series of intimate bids rendered over time. Sometimes the emotional weaving is done through talk; often, it is not. Building a bookshelf for your lover, changing the snow tires on your wife's car, and learning to make his mom's chicken soup all carry the promise of connection." ---Esther Perel

I have intimate conversations with people on a regular basis during my "sessions" as a therapist. The interesting thing is that unlike most relationships, this form of intimacy is built upon an unreciprocated relationship. The client reveals his/herself, while the therapist provides unconditional support, trust, and "safety" to do so. Despite the best of professional intentions, it is sometimes impossible and sometimes even important for the therapist to reciprocate even the slightest of intimacy in return (appropriately, of course) when it can further enhance an intimate 'space'. This may be revealed in certain words of wisdom imparted to the client, based on the therapist's personal experience. Sometimes it can be a client's recognition of the therapist's observable idiosyncrasies. In any case, I think it speaks to our human need to connect in intimate ways.

This excerpt really resonated with me because I agree with the idea that intimacy is not a constant. Nor would we want it to be. We may think we do (I certainly have), but think about it. Where is the mystery, meaning, and sense of fulfillment that comes with nonstop intimacy? How can one appreciate intimate connections without periods of disconnection and complacency? I can say this only in hindsight. Of course, it is easier to reflect upon than during times when intimacy seems like a distant memory in one or more relationships...where complacency seems to never end. I love how it continues to pleasantly boggle my mind though. For instance, how you can go the longest time feeling so incredibly close in a relationship (whether romantically or in friendship, with family, even colleagues)....only to feel you don't really know the person, or they you when something 'new' is revealed, or something 'old' remains hidden.

As I'm realizing, however, it's not black and white. It's shades of glorious gray. As stated above, it waxes and wanes. Instead of judging and/or placing expectation upon intimacy in relationships, we can allow ourselves the freedom to let go and let it happen in its own time. I think there's a tendency for people (myself included) to automatically personalize an absence of (or what feels like a "decrease" in) intimacy. Insecurity gets the best of us. We think we're not trustworthy, attractive, or "enough" of whatever particular quality for intimacy to 'kick in.' It can be easy to get stuck in a mindset that intimacy follows some pre-packaged cookie cutter style of progression instead of an intriguing and more often than not, spontaneous process.

Awareness, reflection, and compassion (for ourselves and the other) is key to savoring opportunities for true moments of intimacy, in all kinds of relationships. We can bitch and complain about what is 'missing,' or we can shift our perceptions to something more meaningful in the long run. Interestingly and paradoxically, I have found that when I release the necessity for intimacy, that it flows more freely.

Opening yourself up to intimacy within yourself is also significant, recognizing your own vulnerabilities and how that may help or hinder intimate interactions. I have been working on this alot lately. I have a tendency to allow my moods to be influenced by my relationships, specifically in regard to people I am close to and ones I yearn for that sense of closeness. Sometimes I drive myself crazy with why this particular person isn't attentive to me (or at least to the degree I'd like) or why another person won't open up to me. I'm learning I don't always need to know the reason and if I do, it will make sense in time.....with a sharing, a revealing, an undefinable gesture. That is intimacy.

Knowing thyself

I've been learning alot of new things about myself lately, good things. I am more content with myself, things about me that will likely always be at the core of who I am and things that are changing as I grow and become older. One of the biggest changes I have noticed about myself is how much I have come to enjoy being a day (versus night) person. When I was in my twenties, I loved the excitement of nightlife. The hustle and bustle of the city and people watching activated my senses with the utmost curiosity, what the night had in store for me. Since I have moved to Seattle and entered my thirties, however, I am noticing a whole new side of myself that is ready to start my day early and savor its possibilities. I like venturing out into the beauty of nature....mountains, flowers, gardens. This is what fills my senses and gives me the simplest of joys now.

Last weekend I went to Portland, Oregon with my mom. No particular reason; just for fun. We spent the day hanging out with our friend, shopping and eating delicious food. It occurred to me that my favorite meal to eat in a restaurant now is breakfast. Eggs, potatoes, toast, fresh squeezed orange juice, and french pressed coffee makes for a divine meal in my book. And what a way to start the day! Among a few of the things I found amusing about myself during that trip was the fact that I found myself annoyed by a large group of obnoxiously intoxicated twentysomething 'kids' sitting behind us in a restaurant one night. While the dinner we had was delicious, I was eager to get back to the hotel room for some solitude and to pamper myself with a bubble bath. My mom chuckled at the irony of her wanting to take a shower and my wanting to take a bath (a role reversal)....a sign to myself that I have entered my thirties with new personality qualities and a shift in lifestyle.

On the way home from Portland, we stumbled upon a Lilac Garden and tulip farm. We did various fun things while in Portland, yet this was the most satisfying part of my trip....an unexpected and spontaneous adventure off the beaten path. With the smells of lilac flooding my nose and my eyes glued to the lens of my camera, I blissfully snapped away and took it all in. I was in my own personal heaven. I thought about my grandparents and how much I missed them, yet felt their love so strongly as if it were yesterday that I could see them in the flesh (they have been deceased for over 15 years).

I love tulips. I value intimacy with people whom I really care about. I loathe crowds and loudness. I appreciate the city for its intrigue and nature for its fresh air, beauty, and simplicity. I like exploring during the day and time to myself at night. I like living in a quiet, residential neighborhood that is not too close and not too far from the city....just right. I like taking photos and expressing myself creatively. I like being appreciated for my thoughts and what I can contribute to others, whether family, friends, clients, or absolute strangers. I am living more in the moment, practicing what I "preach" (to my clients) with mindfulness and gratitude.

I like doing more things for myself that I wouldn't do before, either because I thought it cost too much money or I was too busy with being a city girl. What do I mean by this? In a word: pampering. Massages, getting my nails done, spending $35 on an impromptu invite to see David Sedaris (love him!), buying flowers and domestic items for my home, and traveling/going places. When I was younger, I was always the kid who would use her birthday money to buy Christmas presents for family members. It became more natural to do things generously for other people, yet not so much myself. It still feels weird to me sometimes to spend money on myself. Once in awhile I will catch myself thinking, "Do you really need that?" or "If you can spend money on yourself, why don't you get this, that, or the other for so and so?" Perhaps I secretly believed that I could only be loved and appreciated if I did something thoughtful and unexpected, rather than it being possible that much of what I have to offer cannot be reduced to materialistic actions. I am still generous with others, but I demonstrate it in a much broader sense now.

Life is good. :)