Sliding doors

As I was driving home from my boyfriend's place tonight, I got to thinking how much my life feels a bit like the movie "Sliding Doors" the last two months....except instead of seeing two alternate realities of life based on choices made or not made, my alternate realities exist because of life circumstances that happened within close proximity to another. One amazing door opened shortly before another heartbreaking, tragic door closed.

I met my future boyfriend on October 23, 2012 and the best most loving friend I've ever had in my 35 years on this planet died November 19, 2012. As you may imagine, this turned my world completely upside down. I thought, "What the hell, universe? How could you open such an exciting door of possibility at the same time you took away the one person who often knew me and loved me better than I knew and loved myself?" This made absolutely no sense and totally fucked with my head, more so my heart. I felt angry. I felt confused. I felt guilty for focusing so much on this new man in my life and more so for being happy in his presence when I *should* have been in mourning 24/7 after Rajiv's death (or so that critical side of me told myself).

Two months later and it still feels weird, though I'm not going through extreme emotions anymore. Now I just find myself thinking of my life experiences and memories in terms of two significant time periods: "Before Dragos" and "After Rajiv." In order to understand the significance of these time periods, I must explain why I see my life via these 'sliding doors.'

Door #1, "Before Dragos" (there was Rajiv)

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have relationship issues (or lack thereof would be more apropos). One would think that most 35 year old women have had a plethora of significant other relationships, including even being married by that age. Not me.There have been men I briefly dated, exciting crushes that fizzled out/went nowhere, and developing feelings for male friends. All of them had two things in common: emotional unavailability and no prospect for long term potential.

Though I met my best friend Rajiv a year or two prior to approaching my 30's, he knew my terrible romantic history all too well. Not only did he know my history well, he had this almost magical power of predicting my romantic future (for good or bad) when I'd give him a snapshot of my experiences with a particular guy I was feeling unsure about at the time during our six and a half years of friendship. He was almost always right, my magic 8 ball best friend. "Outlook not so good." "Most likely." "Don't count on it."

While I usually felt clueless when it came to men romantically, Rajiv grounded me and brought me back to reality. His perspective always helped me in some way, even when he said something I didn't want to hear. In some strange way too, I feel like I got 'practice' to completely be myself with a man....open, honest, and intimately knowing one other (minus the romance/sex aspect). He didn't know it, but he was "preparing" me for an emotional intimacy I would soon also share with Dragos.

Here's where the sliding doors emerge.

Door #2 "After Rajiv" (Taking risks without my magic 8 ball)

It's now been 3 months since Dragos and I started dating, 3 weeks now into the 'in a relationship' stage. Rajiv died before I even had a chance to tell him about Dragos. The first man with whom I'm truly embarking on a new and exciting relationship (and chapter in my life) and the man whom loved me so completely unconditionally for the good, bad, ugly and everything in between....these two will never meet, will never know each other, will never know me through the eyes of the other. I will never get to share with Rajiv all the exciting "firsts" I have experienced or will experience with Dragos....or the various thoughts and feelings I have as the relationship progresses. I'll never have my magic 8 ball to give me the thumbs up or thumbs down on this man, though sometimes in my mind (when I'm spending time with Dragos) I picture Rajiv smiling at me or laughing with me.

Dragos will never know what a gift Rajiv gave me....that of feeling worthy of a caring, intimate relationship and capable of going beyond my comfort zone despite how scary it feels because the rewards far outweigh the perceived costs. Dragos will also never know how little things he says or does at times remind me of Rajiv in a funny or comforting way.

These sliding doors that initially gave me an existential crisis now give me an abundance of opportunities....that of love, meaning, growth, and most especially the confidence to become my own magic 8 ball.

Love you always and forever, Rajiv. "It is decidedly so."

Trust: the "faith" of relationships?

There are numerous reasons I could list on why not to trust someone, but I'm more curious to ponder the opposite: What is it that drives one to take the blind leap of faith and choose to trust another human being? Is it dependent upon the relational dynamic? Is it easier or harder to trust an individual vs. a group entity? Are we more likely to trust others with our secrets, feelings, passions? How much trust do we invest when it comes to trusting someone with our life, fidelity, money?

These are questions I've been pondering since I watched the Martin Scorsese movie "Casino" last night. Throughout the movie, I noticed and found it funny that characters repeatedly (and emphatically) made comments about needing to be able to trust one of the other characters....funny because it's a movie that centers around the mob and  there's major underlying deception going on among multiple characters. As much as they can hold their own in certain situations, the ultimate downfall is that the characters chose to trust when it wasn't in their best interest to do so. And the price for trust? Loss of money, loss of mental sanity, loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of life. With so much at stake, why do they trust? Why do any of us trust?

Perhaps trust is to relationships what faith is to religion....belief in something "higher" or better despite the unknown lurking in the shadows. A yearning for connection on an intimate level (whether with a friend, lover, or spouse) overpowers the risk it takes to trust and the consequences that may unfold as a result of that trust. Could it be that we would rather see the humanity in each other than be jaded and completely closed off? Maybe there's hope for humanity after all. Or so I trust.

Organically intimate

Opening up. Letting go. Surrendering. To oneself. The moment. To opportunities for organic intimacy with the self and with friends or lovers. How often do we allow ourselves this in the age of iPhones, iPads, texts, social networking, cyber chats, busy lifestyles and instant gratification? How often do we pick up the phone to share something of depth and meaning with another? Share laughter, spark intellectually stimulating conversation, swap life stories, or otherwise hidden secrets?

We fidget, we resist, we avoid ourselves and each other, we escape into machines and addictions. The humanity that can be found in connecting is fading in the dwindling creative process that takes place when people interact and relate in organic ways....face to face, heart to heart, verbal conversations, eye contact, touch, body language, expression of visceral uncensored emotion, vulnerability (being emotionally "naked," open, honest, and transparent with nothing to hide behind/from).

I could be in the minority that finds these experiences few and far between, but I highly doubt it. Having recently experienced a significant number of these experiences more than the usual (ie, rare), I got to thinking how much different I feel with them vs. without them. Connected. Alive. Joyful. Hopeful. Seen, wanted, desired, understood, known. Real experiences evoke real emotion. Virtual is an illusion that numbs and leaves one extremely wanting. It's no wonder why we as an American society are more depressed, disconnected, empty, unhealthy (physically and emotionally), and overly medicated now more than ever. But it doesn't have to be that way.

It will likely feel very uncomfortable to relax and completely surrender to your physical environment when you've been tethered to the ease of virtual living for so long. But you will feel alive. Earlier this week I had one (of many) such moments. I've recently discovered a new interest and appreciation for relaxation yoga and meditation, something that never struck my fancy until I was at my wit's end with a painful rib injury that left me desperate to try just about anything to heal that much quicker. Sadly, this was my only motivation for going. I'm oddly grateful for that injury though because it gave me the priceless gift of yoga. It's done wonders for my soul. I'm able to relax and let go completely, which speaks volumes since I can rarely turn myself completely to "off" mode. Since I've been practicing this yoga once a week, it's becoming a little more natural and likely I can do so when I'm not in the class.

Then there's meditation. I've never been one to meditate. I never thought I could do it the "right" way, even thought it to be boring, futile, and even a little pretentious. The other night, however, proved me wrong. Within minutes of being asked to think about and visualize those in my life who have been my greatest teachers, mentors, and loving supporters....my eyes (which were shut) filled with tears as I found myself surprisingly overcome with emotion, triggered by memories of people dear to my heart. I was filled with such joy to be reminded of this love and gratitude that could have gone unnoticed otherwise.

As I have been challenging myself, I challenge you to seek out opportunities to live in the organic....that which kindles intimacy and self-discovery, sparks genuine self-expression.

Real is slow, organic, random, messy, risky, at times even ecstacy. A puzzle to be put together. Layers of an onion to be peeled. A gift to be unwrapped and savored.

Get Your Gaggle On

I came across this book ("The Gaggle" by Jessica Massa) quite randomly and unexpectedly after reading an article about it on CNN last week. I'm not normally one to be drawn to typical dating/relationship advice self-help-y books....which is exactly why I loved this book so much. While most dating/how-to-find-love books (particularly those geared towards heterosexual women) harp on all the stereotypical "do's" and "don'ts" in order to snag 'the one,' "The Gaggle" turns the focus to one of self-discovery. Incredibly refreshing! It caters to those of us navigating through the confusing post-modern dating world who are looking for something different. After reading this book, I have more insight, optimism, and an overall more relaxed outlook on dating/relationships in the 21st century. I had an epiphany of sorts. Part of my problem had been my mindset. I was going about it all wrong....dating and/or pursuing a long-term relationship in very black and white terms. "The Gaggle" encourages women to explore those shades of grey with an open mind, awareness, and sense of adventure(aka, those various men in your life whom serve a very functional and/or meaningful role without you even realizing it...until you read what's in this book!). I have a great 'gaggle' of fun, intelligent, attractive, and caring men in my life. How can I not feel excited and grateful to have SEVERAL guys in my life that fulfill me in one or more ways?

If you weren't you

I kept thinking about you, that one conversation sinking in my mind as I went through the motions of my day.

I played the what-could-have-beens and what-ifs in my head.

What if you weren't you?

What if all the shitty things that happened to you made you this endearing and perfectly flawed person?

You're the one that pisses me off (but not for long) and drives me crazy (always), the one that appreciates intellectual stimulation, the one with whom I enjoy witty banter, the one who makes me laugh, and you're the one I wish could see yourself as I see you.

Half the time I don't understand you, can't figure you out.

Drawn to your battle scars, made privy to your inner sanctum....

You never bore me. I come back for more, as do you with me...for the same reasons?

And in those moments where I've resigned myself to taking your words at face value, you show that rare softer side.

I like you most when you're raw and real in all your messed up, beautiful glory.

The side you hide is the one that I most want to see, and I savor it like it's a present you've saved just for me....or so I tell myself as I smile and think about all those things you just said.

Things on the precipice of your thoughts, your tongue, your heart. You.

The you I wouldn't know, wouldn't see, wouldn't admire

...if you weren't you.

What really dictates our attractions?

Not sure why this occurred to me, but while I was out for a run in my neighborhood earlier I realized my friend Scott is currently one of the few close male (heterosexual) friends that I have not had any kind of sexual dynamic with throughout the course of our 4-5 years of friendship (at the same time, I'm also not a promiscuous woman by any means)....which then had me pondering if this is normal for friendships in the 21st century (ie, sex becoming a dynamic at some point in a friendship between two heterosexual or even two gay friends) OR if this is more the exception.

And I'm not talking about friends with benefits where there's a mutual agreement to engage in casual sex just for the aspect of physical pleasure. That's a whole other topic of discussion. What I'm talking about is specifically in regard to the context of the relationship you have with a friend.

What's funny for me is that male friends I have formed a sexual relationship with (and/or that have turned into a romantic relationship if even for a brief time) have more often than not been guys I didn't initially even desire or think about sexually. But the more I got to know these guys, something would shift or spark an attraction for me.

I remember about a month ago my coworker Sarah was telling my colleagues and I something she read or heard about (I can't remember her source, or if she even knew where she heard this)...a psychological/sociological theory or study that shows we have a tendency to become attracted to individuals simply by seeing or being around them all the time.

So how much of our attraction to a person is based on closeness (ie, being in the same physical environment...or "mental" environment like social networking, chat rooms,etc on a regular basis) vs. physical appearance? Or familiarity (ie, how intimately we know facets of their inner self) vs. someone you don't have much overall contact (physically, mentally, or emotionally)?

And if this is the case, perhaps we are less inclined to be superficial than we may believe we are when it comes to connecting with each other on a very human level...

Literally, sleeping together

I got to thinking about this subject yesterday. A 10 yr old told me he sleeps in the same bed with his mother. I found myself justifying the possible reasons, such as their socioeconomic status, small living quarters, and the fact that at least this kid isn't a teenager because that would just be very strange. Still, even with those rationalizations I was still creeped out. It led me to examine my thoughts and feelings about it more. Why was this bothering me so much? What is so abnormal and/or "wrong" about sleeping in the same bed?

In some cultures, it is completely "normal" for a child to sleep in the same bed as a parent(s). It seems to depend on the age of the child, socioeconomic factors, as well as spiritual and moral belief systems (such as a child sleeping with their parents to ward off evil spirits). I wonder if it's primarily in the USA where we automatically fear the likelihood of incestuous relations. Could a culture's attitudes towards issues of intimacy and sexuality influence the degree to which its citizens are comfortable with "sleeping together" (and by this I simply mean just sleep next to one another in the same bed)? Or is it largely dependent upon the nature of a specific relationship?

When I think back to my experiences over the years with sleeping next to someone in the same bed and/or the potential to share the same bed, I have come up with diverse outcomes.

I have slept in the same bed with friends, though I think only female friends. There were a few occasions where male friends crashed at my place when I was living in Chicago and there was this whole awkwardness on their part (two separate guy friends on two separate occasions) about where to sleep. Both opted to sleep on my hardwood floor, even though I didn't make any sexual advances on them or do anything to make they uncomfortable when I suggested they could sleep beside me (I live in a studio with no other rooms or beds, couch, etc). I was simply wanting them to have a comfortable place to sleep. I couldn't understand it. I have slept in the same bed with my mom from time to time, my sister while she was visiting me in Chicago, and slept in the same bed beside my brother during family vacations in motel/hotel rooms...and I was fine with it. I didn't feel nervous or uncomfortable.

Do we as a society associate "sleeping together" that literally? Is sleeping closely next to someone an intimacy in and of itself, having someone next to us in one of our most vulnerable states? I wonder. This extends to lovers and significant others as well.

I've heard about people who have had one night stands, have sexual relations in bed with each other, and then go their separate ways right afterwards because one or both individuals aren't comfortable sleeping beside each other for the rest of the night. Ok, so you are comfortable enough to see each other naked and be sexual...but sleeping next to each other feels too intimate and out of the question? Hmmm. Given the norms of monogamous relationships in the US, I suppose this shouldn't surprise me.

When a couple is living together or married, it seems like it is a cultural given (I'm speaking to the norms of the US, as I don't know the standards for every country in the world) that they will sleep in the same bed. When they don't (or have stopped) for a consistent period of time, we wonder "is everything ok?" or assume "they must not be getting along/their relationship is in peril/they aren't having sex."

How is it that a bed holds that much power and symbolism, a "window" that peers into the nature of any particular relationship between friends, family members, spouses, or lovers?

I don't have any answers, but I sure do find it fascinating to ponder.....

Intimacy, redefined

I'd like to share an excerpt from a book I'm currently reading ("Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel) because it really resonated with me. I've been reflecting on this quite a bit lately...how it pertains to my own relationships with people.

"In my work with patients I stress that intimacy isn't monolithic; nor is it always consistent. It is intermittent, meant to wax and wane even in the best relationships. The family therapist Kaethe Weingarten steers us away from looking at intimacy as a static feature of a relationship; she sees it instead as a quality of interaction that takes place in isolated moments and that exists both within and without long-term commitment. There's the synchronization of dance partners, the sudden identification between strangers on a plane, the solidarity of witnesses to a catastrophe, the mutual recognition of survivors---of breast cancer, alcoholism, terrorism, divorce. There's the intimacy between professionals and those they serve---doctor and patient, therapist and client, stripper and regular. While we expect to experience these discreet moments of recognition in ongoing relationships, they are not necessarily bound to any overarching narrative. They can be circumstantial, spontaneous, and without follow-up. Informed by Weingarten's ideas, I no longer look at relationships as being either intimate or not. Instead, I track each couple's ability to engage in a series of intimate bids rendered over time. Sometimes the emotional weaving is done through talk; often, it is not. Building a bookshelf for your lover, changing the snow tires on your wife's car, and learning to make his mom's chicken soup all carry the promise of connection." ---Esther Perel

I have intimate conversations with people on a regular basis during my "sessions" as a therapist. The interesting thing is that unlike most relationships, this form of intimacy is built upon an unreciprocated relationship. The client reveals his/herself, while the therapist provides unconditional support, trust, and "safety" to do so. Despite the best of professional intentions, it is sometimes impossible and sometimes even important for the therapist to reciprocate even the slightest of intimacy in return (appropriately, of course) when it can further enhance an intimate 'space'. This may be revealed in certain words of wisdom imparted to the client, based on the therapist's personal experience. Sometimes it can be a client's recognition of the therapist's observable idiosyncrasies. In any case, I think it speaks to our human need to connect in intimate ways.

This excerpt really resonated with me because I agree with the idea that intimacy is not a constant. Nor would we want it to be. We may think we do (I certainly have), but think about it. Where is the mystery, meaning, and sense of fulfillment that comes with nonstop intimacy? How can one appreciate intimate connections without periods of disconnection and complacency? I can say this only in hindsight. Of course, it is easier to reflect upon than during times when intimacy seems like a distant memory in one or more relationships...where complacency seems to never end. I love how it continues to pleasantly boggle my mind though. For instance, how you can go the longest time feeling so incredibly close in a relationship (whether romantically or in friendship, with family, even colleagues)....only to feel you don't really know the person, or they you when something 'new' is revealed, or something 'old' remains hidden.

As I'm realizing, however, it's not black and white. It's shades of glorious gray. As stated above, it waxes and wanes. Instead of judging and/or placing expectation upon intimacy in relationships, we can allow ourselves the freedom to let go and let it happen in its own time. I think there's a tendency for people (myself included) to automatically personalize an absence of (or what feels like a "decrease" in) intimacy. Insecurity gets the best of us. We think we're not trustworthy, attractive, or "enough" of whatever particular quality for intimacy to 'kick in.' It can be easy to get stuck in a mindset that intimacy follows some pre-packaged cookie cutter style of progression instead of an intriguing and more often than not, spontaneous process.

Awareness, reflection, and compassion (for ourselves and the other) is key to savoring opportunities for true moments of intimacy, in all kinds of relationships. We can bitch and complain about what is 'missing,' or we can shift our perceptions to something more meaningful in the long run. Interestingly and paradoxically, I have found that when I release the necessity for intimacy, that it flows more freely.

Opening yourself up to intimacy within yourself is also significant, recognizing your own vulnerabilities and how that may help or hinder intimate interactions. I have been working on this alot lately. I have a tendency to allow my moods to be influenced by my relationships, specifically in regard to people I am close to and ones I yearn for that sense of closeness. Sometimes I drive myself crazy with why this particular person isn't attentive to me (or at least to the degree I'd like) or why another person won't open up to me. I'm learning I don't always need to know the reason and if I do, it will make sense in time.....with a sharing, a revealing, an undefinable gesture. That is intimacy.

Back to back, eyes to eyes

In class today, my professor had all of us do a very revealing exercise. I'm still thinking about the meaning...

He chose a partner for each student and told us it wasn't a sitting exercise. Everyone had to stand in front of their partner (there are about 30 students total in my class). My partner was a guy named Kyle, someone I've only seen in class once or twice....basically a stranger to me. I know nothing about the guy. I didn't even know his name until we briefly exchanged a "Hi, my name is...." with one another as we stood facing each other before the prof gave us further instructions. We were told to turn around and lean against our partner, so that our backs touched.

"Close your eyes. Pay attention to what's going on....are you comfortable in the position you're in? Notice how you both respond to each other/how it feels..."

(At first, I noticed I wasn't leaning as closely as I could....standing more upright, slightly distant from his body. But then, as the prof mentioned being comfortable...I noticed I wasn't and shifted to a more comfortable position. I became more at ease and actually liked the feeling of my partner and I 'supporting' each other in this leaning posture. I could also sense him breathing in and out, the warmth in the space between our backs. I know that probably sounds weird...and it was, but it was also nice).

This went on for maybe 2 minutes, our eyes closed the whole time.

The prof then said "When I say 'now,' I want you to turn around and make eye contact with each other for at least 40 to 60% of the time. "Now."

My partner and I turn around, standing with maybe about 3 feet between us. We make eye contact. I'm looking into his eyes, he into mine. The first 10 seconds was attainable for me, no problem. Any longer than that (consistently) became difficult for me. I felt uncomfortable, like I was being intrusive. I had to look away a few times, smiled and almost laughed. Or if I stared into his eyes, after the 10 second-ish mark I found myself looking at some other part of his face like a freckle or two below his brown eyes. This exercise lasted a minute or two, but felt like eternity....like we just looked deep into each other's private psyches or something. After it was over, Kyle said to me "Thank you for that." He said it in such a neutral way, however, that it was hard to tell whether he was joking or serious. I honestly couldn't tell....hence, I said nothing in response. (I thought he did better at the eye thing than I did. I'm not sure whether he was uncomfortable or not....but it didn't seem like it!)

The prof then had us sit back down and have a class discussion about the thoughts and feelings we experienced while doing the exercise with our partner. It was interesting to listen to diverse perceptions across the board. One woman said that she had actually done this exercise before for some Tantric class and that the eyes part of the exercise actually made either she (or her partner, I can't remember which) cry. Another student said he just found himself going through the motions of the exercise simply because he was instructed to do so, nothing more.

Many people seemed to feel some kind of positive energy (even 'communication' via responding to partner's body language) while doing the back part....and mixed feelings while looking into their partner's eyes. I was actually quite surprised by the fact that some people felt comfortable with the eyes part. Or maybe I just wished I was one of them. I told my prof that I felt like I was being intrusive while looking into my partner's eyes (to which my partner agreed by saying "It was intruding," but said it in a neutral tone and did not elaborate on his experience other than that). My instructor asked if I normally have a hard time making eye contact with people. "No, not at all. It was the length of time that made me uncomfortable..."

It started to make me wonder if I have some issues with intimacy, or more specifically....made me wonder if my level of discomfort is average or below average that of what is considered a 'normal' level of anxiety in regard to this kind of 'revealing' type of communication.

I remember learning some interesting things about nonverbal communication in a speech class I took during my undergrad college days....that 75% of what we communicate to others is through our body language. Eye contact norms vary depending on the culture. In the U.S., I think the average person can only sustain eye contact with another person for about 4-10 seconds before it tends to get uncomfortable/cause anxiety in one or both individuals. So maybe it doesn't have to do with intimacy (at least not totally), but going against the grain of cultural norms?

In any case, it was a cool learning experience in regard to nonverbal communication with a complete stranger. Would it be drastically different with someone I already know well (and/or that knows me well)? Easier? Scarier? More comfortable or less comfortable? What if it were a lover as opposed to a friend? A coworker as opposed to a family member? Someone I don't like much as a person?

Furthermore, is the response even dictated by relationship (or lack thereof)?

Intimacy is better than 'best'

I was thinking last night about how my friendships have changed over the years. Not too long ago, I was thinking it seemed to me that friendships get harder as one grows up into adulthood and it saddened me. After having a very honest, emotional and thought provoking conversation about this very subject with two very close friends of mine last night, I was filled with quite the opposite feeling though: gratitude. My feeling that friendships can be difficult certainly hasn't changed, but my outlook on it has shifted. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's a bad thing; it can be a very positive thing. At the risk of sounding cliche, the hardest and most challenging things in life can also provide us the most unconditional, priceless reward: love, compassion, hope, honesty, intimacy, and the capacity for profound growth/change (both within ourselves AND within our most meaningful relationships with others). My dinner with two friends last night started out normal, but felt anything but normal as I headed home, walking down my street and quietly contemplating these deeper matters.


Midway through dinner, my friend Rajiv (pictured here) and I got in a bit of a 'spat.' It bothered me more than it seemed to bother him and I was prepared to leave without finishing my meal because I was so upset. Something within myself stopped me though and I decided to stay. I'm glad I did. In the past, whenever I have felt I was being judged or attacked in any way by someone I considered a 'best' friend, I would go in retreat mode. One of my "best" friends from high school betrayed me so badly that I ended the friendship and haven't spoken to her since my last year of undergraduate college. It seemed like my "best" friends either loved me or they judged me. It was a foreign concept to me that a friend could do both and even more foreign, that it's perfectly alright and natural, healthy even, to be a mixture of the two. Still, I sometimes have a hard time knowing how to respond when arguments arise. I tend to think there's something wrong with the friendship if we're disagreeing, not seeing eye to eye. I have to step back and remind myself that conflict doesn't mean a friendship is in jeopardy. Rajiv has given me this gift in our friendship, the gift of a healthy argument. Don't get me wrong, I don't like it. I don't like arguing with ANYONE, let anyone those closest to me....but I have become more comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling because it usually brings us closer to understanding each other in the bigger scheme of things.


My friendships from my early to mid twenties have been shaped by the memories of what a 'best' friend has come to mean for me. I don't like the 'best friend' title anymore and if you know me well, you may notice I don't refer to any 'best' friends of mine. "Close," yes. "Best," no. When I have felt someone was my "best friend" in the past, I have been hurt, betrayed, and confused by what I felt were not genuine intentions. The term has come to have a negative connotation instead of a positive one. Instead, nowadays I like to use the word 'close' friend. The word carries more meaning for me and it leaves me feeling more hopeful of having a genuine and long lasting connection. I have had too many friendships when I was younger where it felt more like lip service, stereotypical and fake.


And now as I approach my thirties, it (friendship) has become so much more rich with intimacy. It simultaneously gives me great terror/anxiety and great joy! Last night, my friend Rajiv had pointed out things about me that he didn't like or found annoying. It really hurt my feelings and it wasn't so much what he was telling me. I kept trying to drill into his head that it was the way he comes across when he has something honest to say. I value honest feedback, but it's all in the approach. Seeing as he and I can both be stubborn about getting our point across (must be a Sagittarian thing, hahaha!), I think he and I could both work on how we communicate with each other. With a good give and take between us though, it's something that we can work on. After raising our voices and brief tears on my part, we were able to work past the argument and have a very interesting conversation about the vulnerabilities of friendship and how scary it can be to open yourself up to a friend in an intimate way. As much as it scares me, I still want it: an 'intimate friend.' So I push myself past the discomfort and look at what's really going on.

It may not happen right away, but our ability to intimately share things with others that may initially be uncomfortable to hear can reap something greater in the long run: knowing that you can still be yourself and no matter how good, bad, or unpredictable that may be, you are still loved for who you are. "Best" friends fade. "Intimate" friends are in it for the long haul.

Interestingly, I just had a session with a client this morning and something he said stuck with me as the perfect analogy for the theme of intimate friendships. He was talking about his pet lovebirds, how they will fight with each other in their cage one minute, and then be kissing each other the next. I laughed and told him that maybe there's something we humans can learn from lovebirds....that even if you're upset with someone you love in one moment, you can be reminded of why you love that same person in the next moment....to kiss and make up. And that's more real than one might possibly hope for in a friend.

With that said, I'd like to include a blog my friend Rajiv wrote last night about thoughts he had about friendship after our dinner discussion. My response to his blog follows, as well as my other close friend Eddie's response to his blog. Cheers to intimate friendships. :)

"What do friendships really mean?" (Rajiv)

I got to thinking about friendships tonite after I got home for dinner. Well, I have been thinking about it for a while now to put down my thoughts just so that, if not for anything else, I can read it again in a few years from now and would force me to think if I still believe in what I wrote today. I hope I do.

From since I was a little kid, being in the company of other kids my age would make me feel good. Being with other kids, playing with them, joking with them made me feel wanted and desired. I never really had a problem making friends at school. I consider myself a very friendly person, somebody who is easy to talk to, somebody who loves to listen and somebody who always is patient. I have been lucky to have had a few very good friends. And by friendships, I mean people I can open myself out to completely and let all my fears, all my inhibitions and all my true feelings out. A friend to me is somebody I will feel comfortable to be bare with, with all my feelings and all that I am feeling. There would nothing to be embarassed about, nothing to be scared about.

I know there are different kinds of friends we all have...friends we hang out with occasionally, friends we go out and have a couple of beers with and then there are friends who we can open ourselves out to completely with both the good and the ugly and would still feel assured in our hearts that they would accept us no matter what.

I have had friends of both kinds in the 31 years of my life. I am sure I am gonna meet a lot more people in my life and I hope I form a few good friendships with at least some of them. But, as I get older, I have realised something about myself that was probably something I have done subconsciously all along, just never realised it. I am the kind of person who believes in real friendships, people who stay with you through thick and thin. Maybe that is why I have a few friends, because I probably expect a lot from friendships. I have very high standards. Friends aren't just the people you connect with to go out and have a few drinks with or watch a movie or two and do small talk with. I mean all that is good, but I am the kind of person who gets tired of that easily. All through my years in grade school and high school and even my college years, I have made friends for the long-term, people I will remember till I die.

Sometimes it makes me wonder as I get older, is it just enough to have friends or do we really need 'more', by 'more' I mean friends who will not be afraid to say what they have to say for the greater good, or will they just succumb to the stereotype? I would personally have friends who would rather tell me how they really feel that just words I want to hear, because even though those words might sting in the beginning, I would know somebody really cared enough about me to have taken that step.

Maybe what I say is difficult to comprehend because none of us want to be lonely really. We all seek companinonships, but at the risk of sounding different...I would rather have just a couple friends who I can truly call my FRIENDS than just people who can fill my address book with.

My response:

Wonderfully spoken. :) And if I didn't answer your question last night, the people I am closest to in my life don't tell me what I want to hear....like I said, it's just the WAY they say something honestly. I too was thinking about friendships walking down my street to go home last night. This whole time I've been freaking out about my upcoming 30th birthday, last night I had the opposite reaction....one of gratitude.

My relationships are only getting better as the years progress, more of the kind you mention: the good, the bad, and the uncomfortable (I don't like to say 'ugly' because to me that word just sounds petty and relationships are more complex than that) all wrapped into one. I think the reason I get so uncomfortable and hurt by things you say at times is because when I was younger my friendships seemed to be 'all or nothing.' Either a friend loved me in a loyal way, or they betrayed/hurt me in some very harsh way. Contemplating this last night though, I realized maybe like Eddie was saying, I too am feeling my way through the dark of what it feels like to have a more 'real' intimate friendship....one that you can laugh with one day, but feel completely vulnerable and exposed with in a good AND scary way the next.

Funny enough, I was thinking about writing a blog about this subject today too....but I think you about covered it Rajiv. :) I still don't think I can live up to your high standards of friendship and part of me doesn't want to. I'm more the kind of person that meets people where they're at (mentally and emotionally), so I think that is why I get frustrated when I don't get that in return in friendships....but perhaps it's like we were talking about last night: we are just different people, and that's ok too.

As long as we can continue to be honest and respectful of one another (you, me, and anyone in a friendship really), friendship can only grow stronger from it. Love you, Katie

Eddie's response to Rajiv's blog:

I concur. Having wonderful, caring people around me often (namely you and Katie) has made it much easier for me to let go of people in my life who didn't have anything to offer. I fall into a rut easily - in many aspects of my life - and having certain 'friends' in my life for as long as I did was really leaving me with an empty feeling. I have far fewer friends now at 29 than I did ten or even five years ago - but you know what? I am happy with this. Like you said I would much rather have a few people in my life that really matter instead of just having people who fill my cell phone. That isn't to say that I don't still have a few friends who are like that - but far fewer than I used to.Ask most people who have 100 people in their cell phone, and they will say the same thing. Only a few really matter. The ones who call everybody they know their friend, well, let's not get into that right now!It's pretty easy. You expect A LOT out of friends because you have had a very hard time meeting people and making friends which turn out to be REAL friends. Your standards used to be lower, and after being blown off so many times, and knowing dysfunctional people, you decided that enough was enough - you were only going to surround yourself with people who mattered.