I got to thinking about this subject yesterday. A 10 yr old told me he sleeps in the same bed with his mother. I found myself justifying the possible reasons, such as their socioeconomic status, small living quarters, and the fact that at least this kid isn't a teenager because that would just be very strange. Still, even with those rationalizations I was still creeped out. It led me to examine my thoughts and feelings about it more. Why was this bothering me so much? What is so abnormal and/or "wrong" about sleeping in the same bed?
In some cultures, it is completely "normal" for a child to sleep in the same bed as a parent(s). It seems to depend on the age of the child, socioeconomic factors, as well as spiritual and moral belief systems (such as a child sleeping with their parents to ward off evil spirits). I wonder if it's primarily in the USA where we automatically fear the likelihood of incestuous relations. Could a culture's attitudes towards issues of intimacy and sexuality influence the degree to which its citizens are comfortable with "sleeping together" (and by this I simply mean just sleep next to one another in the same bed)? Or is it largely dependent upon the nature of a specific relationship?
When I think back to my experiences over the years with sleeping next to someone in the same bed and/or the potential to share the same bed, I have come up with diverse outcomes.
I have slept in the same bed with friends, though I think only female friends. There were a few occasions where male friends crashed at my place when I was living in Chicago and there was this whole awkwardness on their part (two separate guy friends on two separate occasions) about where to sleep. Both opted to sleep on my hardwood floor, even though I didn't make any sexual advances on them or do anything to make they uncomfortable when I suggested they could sleep beside me (I live in a studio with no other rooms or beds, couch, etc). I was simply wanting them to have a comfortable place to sleep. I couldn't understand it. I have slept in the same bed with my mom from time to time, my sister while she was visiting me in Chicago, and slept in the same bed beside my brother during family vacations in motel/hotel rooms...and I was fine with it. I didn't feel nervous or uncomfortable.
Do we as a society associate "sleeping together" that literally? Is sleeping closely next to someone an intimacy in and of itself, having someone next to us in one of our most vulnerable states? I wonder. This extends to lovers and significant others as well.
I've heard about people who have had one night stands, have sexual relations in bed with each other, and then go their separate ways right afterwards because one or both individuals aren't comfortable sleeping beside each other for the rest of the night. Ok, so you are comfortable enough to see each other naked and be sexual...but sleeping next to each other feels too intimate and out of the question? Hmmm. Given the norms of monogamous relationships in the US, I suppose this shouldn't surprise me.
When a couple is living together or married, it seems like it is a cultural given (I'm speaking to the norms of the US, as I don't know the standards for every country in the world) that they will sleep in the same bed. When they don't (or have stopped) for a consistent period of time, we wonder "is everything ok?" or assume "they must not be getting along/their relationship is in peril/they aren't having sex."
How is it that a bed holds that much power and symbolism, a "window" that peers into the nature of any particular relationship between friends, family members, spouses, or lovers?
I don't have any answers, but I sure do find it fascinating to ponder.....
2 comments:
Why does a bed have such power? I suppose it simply has to do with the fact that the bed, more or less, has become synonymous with marriage.
I think that most of us, as kids, knew that there was only one bed in mom and dad's room and that is where they both slept and such was the only arrangement for them.
This may even be encoded in our mythical DNA. An example: When Odysseus returns home to Ithaca after 20 years of being absent from his wife, Penelope, in order to test her husband she orders her servants to move the bed to which Odysseus, still disguised as a beggar, shouts out with disbelief that such cannot happen becuase the frame of the bed is a huge oak stump which cannot be moved. With this test, Penelope confirms the identity of the stranger as her husband. So, even with the Greeks there was this idea that a bed and marriage were part of the same thing.
It's not surprising that after one night stands, one of the participants gets out of bed as soon as possible simply because he or she knows that what just happened was outside of marriage. They are not necessarily condemning their actions, but subconsciously link bed and marriage together and marriage is probably not what they want.
Thus, when we hear of even kids sleeping in the bed with a parent, there is this automatic idea that pops into our head that says that the bed is for marriage.
And for young couples, or friends, sleeping in teh same bed connotes some bond which may or may not be present.
Just my opinion.
I can only speak for myself, but I personally see nothing wrong with a child (not a teen, but younger) sleeping in the same bed with their parents. I think it's just another thing that American's are uptight about.
As for the guy friends of yours who were not able to share a bed with you, I wish I could say something more articulate, but they were just uptight people. I see no problem with any of this.
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