"An interesting life"

While visiting my dad and stepmom over Thanksgiving, my stepmom said something about how I've had "an interesting life." I can't remember what we were talking about that led up to that comment, but it was a nice compliment to get from her. I couldn't help, however, being both sad and happy at the same time. Happy that I've had some modicum of cool stuff to have experienced and tell stories about..... yet sad that the juicy, fascinating opportunities/experiences seem to be decreasing. My life has become....boring. When did that happen? I'm starting to wonder if this is why I rarely write anymore. Nothing intriguing or inspiring to write about.

When I was in my 20's, the world felt like my oyster. I was scared shitless when I moved to Chicago, but it was a pivotal turning point in my life....the Katie that took risks, adventures, and pushed beyond her comfort zone. I met people at school, at work, randomly online, randomly in coffee shops or bars, and through friends of friends. It felt effortless. I worked at a bookstore that included getting to work book signing/celebrity events. I worked at a methadone clinic helping hardcore heroin addicts try to overcome their nasty addictions. Through these experiences, I found myself always thinking about something and having a constant craving to write about experiences, ideas. There was a time I was writing daily. I had something to say on a regular basis, sometimes it was even inspiring or thought provoking.

What I don't understand is how different my life feels a decade later. It depresses me. Mainly because I feel like I'm in a world of neither here nor there. There's a part of me that loves the fun I had in my 20's, yet has different interests and priorities than I did back then. At the same time, I look around me and the majority of my family and friends are married (and now with children). I'm struggling to find meaningfulness in my life outside of work. The weekends come and go, most of which I spend by myself. No one really calls me or genuinely shows an interest in hearing what's on my mind (and there's SO much on my mind, if people only knew). Even when I spend time with others, most times I don't feel like they really see or hear me. It's more what I can do for them. It's hard to find someone who will genuinely listen, someone who really wants to know me on a genuine and deeper level. I feel completely disconnected from any intimate relationships.

I've never been so conscious of my singlehood as I am in my 30's. I am starting to hate being alone all the time. I am lonely. My birthday is in a few weeks and I'm not even looking forward to it....

When is it going to be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? I really don't understand. I'm pretty amazing, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty. I'm smart. I'm independent. I'm kind and caring. I'm witty. I'm friendly. Granted my life feels boring at the moment, but I blame this pretty much on the fact that Seattle makes it difficult for me to be the kind of social butterfly I was able to effortlessly be in Chicago. I wish I knew what to do to make my life interesting again. Do I need to move back to Chicago to get it back?!

I know I can't change anyone except myself. I'm just melancholy that I've tried so hard with making changes in my life this year and there's no one in this city with whom I can share it (friends and/or boyfriend).

I miss the feeling of being special to someone. I also miss the feeling of someone really wanting to know what I think about something. I'm still the ever intellectually curious person who just needs some inspiration and very much needs her 'interesting life' back.....