Are you stuck in 'the friend zone?'

I'm trying to remember the first time I heard someone use the term 'friend zone.' I believe it was back in 2007. Interesting twist....the person whom shared with me that he often gets stuck in 'the friend zone' with women also had me feeling as if I was stuck in the friend zone with him....despite the fact that it seemed like we both started off liking each other. Arghhh. Thus began the cycle that perpetuated ambiguity and confusion. What happened? Did I miss something along the way? And is it just me or do you hear people talk about the dreaded friend zone all too frequently nowadays?

How does one get stuck in the friend zone exactly? At what point does a flirtatious or magnetic attraction  become friendship and nothing more? Has the friend zone phenomenon always existed or is our current society responsible for its more frequent rate of prevalence? How much of it has to do with more ambiguous and liberal interactions between two people? Is the friend zone more likely to occur between two people of the opposite sex or is it a phenomenon just as prevalent in the gay community? And what (if any) is the connection between the friend zone and its evil twin 'friends with benefits?'

Unfortunately, I have no answers to these questions (sorry dear readers...I'm notorious for asking more questions than providing answers or solutions). I'm curious to hear what others think about this topic though.

I wonder if we're greedy when it comes to dating, courtship (does that even exist in the 21st century?!), sex, and monogamy vs. "keeping my options open." Or perhaps we become overwhelmed and paralyzed by too many choices. Then there's also the definition of friendship, one fraught with too many gray areas.....which at times can include too little patience for sexual tension and not enough for platonic endurance.

It can be easier to get stuck in the friend zone if you are interested in Person A, but there's also Person B, C, and D that you may be curious about or attracted to for a whole different host of reasons. You may not know what you want exactly or perhaps you're not confident enough. Or you're afraid to risk revealing the feelings you do have because you don't want it to take away from the strong friendship already in tact. Maybe you're not direct with communicating your thoughts, feelings, or agenda.

If you truly want to explore a more than friends relationship, either you or the other person has to speak up. It is wrong to assume that just because you're stuck in the friend zone (from your own perspective) that the other person wants to be in the friend zone with you. If neither person brings it up, both are to blame. You then must decide to either accept and appreciate the friendship without exploring that Pandora's Box...or the next time around when you find yourself in a similar predicament with another individual: Take a chance at being direct, even if it means falling flat on your face. You may get some scratches and bruises after the fall, but at least you'll pick yourself up off the ground knowing exactly where you stand: zone-free.

The psychology of gender socialization

(Written 12/28/09)

As a therapist, my job is rarely boring and oftentimes fascinating. Not only do I have the opportunity to help people in an extraordinarily profound and intimate way...pare of the process includes sometimes discussing topics that may otherwise go unnoticed, at least unconsciously. Sometimes I find myself contemplating things I probably wouldn't think much about unless I were in the situation, but is brought to my awareness for exploration because a client brings it up in a session. Today it happened to be gender socialization. I have taken numerous psychology, sociology, and graduate level clinical counseling courses over the course of my academic studies. I have also read various sociology and psychology books outside of the classroom, including evolutionary psychology. Would you know that I still do not understand the root sources of this topic?! Granted, psychology and sociology are 'soft' sciences. It is the shades of grey, of ambiguity that simultaneously thrill me and frustrate me all at once.

I'm tempted to do research on this or perhaps find a book that has thoroughly researched this cultural norm. For instance, who decided which colors are "supposed to" (arbitrarily? I think so!) be representative of male/masculine and female/feminine. Why is blue a "boy" color and pink a "girl" color? Why are boys stereotypically expected to play with toy guns, trucks, and basicially anything perceived as rough or aggressive? How is it that a parent can worry about their child 'becoming gay' if the child really wants to play with something that goes against the script of gender norms? And how is it that intellectually we may discount the importance or significance of gender socialization (depending on the context), but in practice people do it unconsciously all the time (for example, by buying gender specific toys for their children)? Is it "acceptable" for a boy to play with a doll up until a certain age? Why do we (society) have so much fear and rigid beliefs around allowing a child to develop in however he or she chooses to explore/express individual likes, dislikes, personality formation, etc? These were some of the questions I pondered, some with my client in session and others in my own mind after the session. There are more rhetorical questions than there are concrete answers....

The idea is that gender socialization provides a sort of lens through which to see the world: boys act/are interested in/skilled at A, B, C, D, etc and girls act/are interested in/skilled at A, B, C, D, etc. Verbal and nonverbal behavior sends a message to the child early on, setting the precedent for what becomes an internalized worldview. When I was in graduate school at Adler, I took a class that focused on this (Lifestyle Assessment). It was an interesting projective tool to use for a potential (psychodynamic) clinical intervention in therapy work with an individual, and the first time I really thought about gender messages on a deeper level. In the assessment, there are specific questions designed to explore memories of significant experiences and how those experiences in some way reflect unhealthy/negative beliefs that are impacting the individual in an unhelpful way in their lives as an adult. Really fascinating stuff, although just a tool.

Toys and colors associated with gender socialization are but a superficial snapshot of the overall deeper psychology behind it, but knowing this obviously doesn't stop me from wanting to examine those depths. I also wonder how much I will embrace and/or challenge these cultural norms if/when I become a parent someday....

Con-sensual?

When alcohol is involved, sexual activity between two people can become very questionable. Sex WITHOUT alcohol can be complicated enough, but add alcohol and hazy judgment? This does not make for a good scenario, especially if blackouts are a factor. Don't worry, I'm not talking about myself; it's something I heard today that really bothered me.

In any case, hearing about this particular story made me realize how much of a double standard it can be if you think about it and even more confusing to make sense of in a society already full of misogyny. Makes you wonder.

If a man and a woman get totally drunk, and the man blacks out later to find out he doesn't remember having sex with the woman....it's more likely perceived as a poor judgment call, but we don't question whether the man could have been drugged and raped, right? But when it's the other way around, we are alarmed and wonder: was it consensual? And is it really consensual if she can't remember that she consented?! Is it rape if she consented, but may have not been coherent enough to be aware of whether he did or did not wear a condom (because he was probably on the verge of blacking out himself)? Or was it a manipulative, sadistic drug-induced setup the whole time?