A walking, talking time bomb

I had to write about this, simply because it gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm not sure what to do about it. In any case, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't as far as how to handle/not handle the complicated scenario....which is why I thought, 'why not blog about it?' Maybe it will help to get an outsider's point of view from my readers.

Here's a very brief synopsis of what got me in a state of confusion and slight worry this morning at work.....

A few months ago, I had a client who had flipped out on me over the phone, shouting disrespectful expletives when I told him the consequences of his actions for not complying with something. Long story short, he ended up apologizing within a few weeks in our next counseling session and I asked him if we were on the same page again. He said it was....and I really thought it was too. He has been compliant, participating in counseling and all that. Nothing to indicate what I'm about to tell you, aside from the fact that he does have some mental problems (hospitalized numerous times in the past for psychotic episodes, hearing voices, violent behavior,etc). When on his meds though, he's stable and a friendly non-threatening individual. I saw him the other day for one on one counseling and while he was telling me some strange things, it was nothing more strange than what other people tell me in counseling sessions. After all, "normal" vs. "abnormal" is really quite relative (to me anyway).

So today I'm all laidback and carefree, waiting for my four people to show up for the group session I do the last Wednesday of every month. I start group and it's ok, for the most part. I was focusing on the cognitive patterns of an addict vs. those in recovery mode. We were going over this handout I had. The left column had negative/addict statements (ie, "I'm worthless," "I need drugs to numb the pain", etc) and the right was more positive/recovery statements (ie, "I did that well, "I can tolerate feeling down",etc). It was interesting to discuss these dichotomies with them. The only thing that struck me as inappropriate and 'off' was the fact that at one point we were talking about relationships/connecting with others (recovery mode) as opposed to isolating oneself (addict mode) and when I started relating it to PTSD (ie, behaviors like self-mutilation,etc), he said he once cut himself "over a woman." He went on to say that women can make men do evil things, "like Cleopatra." He wasn't saying it in a humorous way either. I was like, WHAT?!?! I didn't appreciate that comment, especially with two women in the group and being one myself. So I reframed it by telling him that it's not about men and women, it's about the choices one makes. Still, in my mind I thought that was 'off' and fairly misogynistic, but knowing he's not entirely 'healthy' mentally, I brushed it off.

Then, after group ended and everyone left, Manuella tells me she doesn't feel safe with this particular individual and goes on to tell me what transpired before the group out in the waiting area (I didn't hear all that took place because I was in a brief one on one session with a client before the group). Long story short, she heard him telling some people about the incident that happened with me a few months ago and started saying negative things about all of us, including a comment questioning why there are all women working here, that there's bound to be gossip because we're women (as in, his paranoid thinking has led him to believe all of us female employees are talking about him). But here's the real scary part that had Manuela slightly shaken....and Manuela NEVER gets shaken. I've worked with the woman for almost two and a half years and she's a pillar of strength, even in the most complicated/intimidating circumstances. The woman can hold her own. She heard him say something along the lines of "I'm crazy and I'll kill someone if I have to."

What do you do when you have a ticking time bomb in your midst? It's one thing to live in fear over something that is completely unknown to you, for no reason at all. It's quite another when you've been made cognizant of potential danger. It reminds me of the paradox of criminals and premeditation to commit crime. It is a well-known established fact that law enforcement cannot do anything unless a crime has been committed, even if threats are made. While I understand the logic, how scary is that though? When you're the one IN the situation, it's alot more frightening....to feel like you have no control over the possibility that a loose cannon with some screws loose in their head may walk into the clinic one day in Jekkyl and Hyde mode, only to pull out a gun and pull the trigger. Manuela said she can always push the emergency button (at the front desk, there is a button that if pushed, police will show up asap), but I told her she shouldn't even have to think about pushing that button. I told her that if she feels unsafe, we should tell our boss, have a meeting to discuss it with him. But then I wonder if it would set him off even more.

I'm reminded of just how scary my job makes me feel sometimes, knowing that some of the people I'm helping may in fact be thinking such aggressive thoughts. And while it's just a thought, I believe thoughts are things. You have to have a thought before it manifests as action. If the thought is already put out there, where does thought and intention begin or end?

What do you think? What would you do if you were me?

The "Witching" Hour

In the "spirit" of the day before Halloween, here's an interesting "historical" definition of the title of this blog and then my warped example of such. The events I'm about to describe didn't take place at midnight, but between 5am and 6am (when it still technically LOOKs like midnight, but with a whole lot less people around. Lol)......

According to the wonderful cyberlibrary of Wikipedia:

"In European folklore, the witching hour is the time when supernatural creatures such as witches, demons, and ghosts are thought to be at their most powerful, and black magic at its most effective. This hour is typically midnight, and the term may now be used to refer to midnight, or any late hour, even without having the associated superstitious beliefs.In neopaganism, it is sometimes used to refer solely to midnights occurring during a full moon, when a witch's power is supposedly at its greatest."

I walked out of my apartment building a few minutes earlier than my usual "routine" time to leave. It was just like any other ordinary morning waiting for the bus...or so I thought. At the corner of Belmont and Sheridan, as I wait for the #156 bus around 5:15ish every morning, I stand next to three or four newspaper dispensers, with a convenience store about 5 feet behind me. Occasionally there will be one or two early commuters joining me at the bus stop, but a majority of the time, I am the only person standing there. Today was one such day, though I discovered I had a "visitor."

When I hear this slight scuffle of noise, I turn down my music/headphones and turn around to the source of the noise. It's a RAT. Right in front of the front door to the convenience store! I think I literally jumped up off the ground an inch or two. I hopped off the sidewalk and onto the street, carefully walking around to stand on the other side of the newspaper dispensers....as far away from the disgusting vermin as I could get without being unseen by an approaching bus. I waited a minute, looking over to see if the rat was still there, in hopes of resuming my original spot to stand. Phew, not there. But then I'm paranoid, thinking maybe Mr. Rat will jump out of the plant shrubbery and I'm beginning to think any passerbys in their cars must think I'm a paranoid schizophrenic because I keep turning around, looking all around me with vigilance.

I get a false sense of security and breathe out, relax. Oh wait! There he is again, jumping from the far right shrubbery back in front of the door. What's mind boggling is that I don't recall seeing any food or crumbs on the ground. So why he kept being drawn back to that damn door, I haven't the foggiest. I think he just wanted to torment me...and it worked. Not only was I freaked out by this creepy creature, but I looked like an idiot when I jumped upon hearing a leaf on the ground brush past me on the street. I thought it was the rat playing mind games. And it was just a leaf. Finally, I see the bus coming. Thank goodness for small miracles. Get me away from this stinkin' rat, I think.

Suddenly, I hear someone shouting REALLY loudly. I turn around and there's a middle aged man who looks like he's about to run a marathon...he's got a tshirt on with "VAIL" printed widely across the pale pink (yes, you heard right: PINK) shirt he's wearing similar to what track runners/athletes wear. He's jogging in place and at first I thought he was talking loudly to get my attention (I was listening to music) and ask me a question. But then I turn my music down to listen to what he's saying. He made no sense. It was as if he thought he was a sports announcer, talking about "squares" and who knows what else. It wasn't gibberish, but it also had no point. And no, he wasn't talking on a cell phone or anyone else around for that matter, continuing to jog in place without crossing the street or with any intention of moving anytime soon. I'm thinking, what is going ON this morning?!

Fortunately, the bus pulled up at that moment and I climb aboard. If you recall from an older blog, I had mentioned the bus driver (whom I refer to as "Jeff Foxworthy Bus Driver", for obvious physical similarities) who always looks at my shoes when I get on the bus. Well, today I was glad he had something else to look at besides my feet. Something far more amusing: an athlete turned loco, jogging in place and shouting to himself. I put in my transit card and turned around to look at the crazy man. JFBD make eye contact. He chuckles, I chuckle. I shake my head and say "I don't know...." and make my way to the back of the bus. As I get comfortable in my seat, the bus makes a right onto Sheridan. I look out the window and there before my eyes....the crazy man waving AT ME. Hilarity surrounds me....always.

I get off the bus minutes later and almost miss my transfer because the #73 driver decides to leave before the scheduled "departure time" and I have to start sprinting towards the next bus stop across the street where the bus has stopped at. I barely make it, but I do. As I'm walking to work after a series of aforementioned bizarre and random "events," a cyclist going past me gives me the "turn around and stare" look. "What was that about?" I ask myself. Okay, moving along.

I get to work and notice Carol and Annie aren't there yet, which is weird because they usually are always the first to get to work before me. I look 15 feet ahead to see a random object on the sidewalk. Curiosity getting the best of me (per usual), I keep walking to get a closer look. Yes, it IS in fact what it appears to be: a folded over mattress and semi-decent looking frame (according to Carol...perhaps she's in need of a frame. The story is already weird. Why stop now? hehehe) underneath it. I shake my head. It's only 5:57am, my witching hour.

If this is any indication of how the rest of the day may unfold, wish me luck! And I can only imagine what Halloween may bring tomorrow. Watch your back folks. It's a creepy crawly world out there.

California fires

I don't know about you, but I find myself glued to the news the past 24 hours. We have a plasma tv on the wall right outside my office here at work and yesterday I heard about the fires on CNN. At first, I thought it was just another 'wildfires in California' story, as it seems they have fires there often...or at least around this time of year with the Santa Ana winds typical of the season. When I watched the news last night, however, I began to realize the severity of the situation. (See picture on left for illlustration: taken from above the Earth out in space by NASA). Crazy stuff.

I feel bad for all the people who have had to evacuate their homes on short, short notice. One guy who had been told it was safe for him to go back to his house briefly to pick up some medication,etc the following day realized that he had left so abruptly that he had left the front door open on his way out! Thankfully, at least there have been minimal fatalities. I guess if you have to choose between your home and your life, it definitely puts things in perspective. Still though, my heart goes out to the 900, 000+ people who have had to abandon their homes...some of which even include firefighters and reporters whose own houses have burned to the ground in the process of them doing their jobs! Wow. It makes me wonder what I would do in this kind of situation. I think I would miss having some of my things in my apartment if I ended up losing everything, but I think what would have me the most distressed is: Where do you go next? How do you start all over again?

It brings me back to the events of Hurricane Katrina and all those residents who were displaced. It turned their lives upside down. I can't even imagine. Carol said she heard that they even think an arsonist might have started a "3 point" fire, ie a fire in three different locations that ended up spreading/multiplying. I didn't hear such news. I certainly hope that's not true though. It's bad enough you can't control what Mother Nature does, but if there's someone out there who would deliberately start the fires....man. While I am empathizing with everyone in Southern California, I can't help but be grateful for my little life and little studio apartment here in Chicago...counting my everyday blessings.

Bizarre

While I usually give thumbs up of recommendations, I had to share a movie that clearly is NOT a movie "must-see." I didn't know what I was getting myself into with this movie. When I read the back of the cover, it sounded bizarre and creepy, but I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. Here's the description on the back of the dvd:

" 'Zoo' is an extraordinary glimpse into the life of a seemingly normal Seattle family man whose secret sexual appetites led to his shocking death. Directed by acclaimed filmmaker Robinson Devor ("Woman Chaser," "Police Beat"), the film explores the ensuing media coverage and public outcry that uncovered a secret community of zoophiles, who call themselves "zoos." This expressionistic rendering of how apparently upstanding citizens banded together and videotaped their journey into the most taboo realms of behavior, reveals the enormous gulf between what we appear to be and who we really are."

I can't believe I watched this entire movie last night. I'm not one to be particularly fascinated with extreme cultural taboos, so this was a little much even for me. Being the ever curious gal when it comes to psychological and sociological subjects though, my curiosity outweighed my repulsion for the subject matter. I guess I expected it to delve into the mysterious and disturbing psychological "reasons" why these "zoo" people have bizarre, abnormal sexual proclivities. In case you haven't figured out the subtleties, this film centered on the taboo subject matter of bestiality. I didn't expect to wrap my head around how someone could be sexually turned on by having sex with an animal, but this "documentary" that had been a Cannes film contender....was a big flop of a disappointment.

I didn't know anything more by the end of the movie than I started out knowing before watching it....which was: nothing. I wasn't wanting any sick, disgusting scenes or anything (and there wasn't, thank GOD!). Like I said, I was hoping for some psychological analysis or hoping these people would realize they have a problem, get help for it,etc. But none of that happened.

Even though it was technically a "documentary," it certainly wasn't filmed like one. The people that were the so-called "zoophiles" who were "in love" (yuck) with horses, were audiotaped talking about their secret lives very vaguely. There were also all these visual scenes of farm country, horses, people driving in their trucks, and the occasional random commentary by others responding to the taboo ocurrences. Totally directionless and to me, it seemed like the filmakers were enabling these men from owning up to facing the fact that what they are doing is a form of animal cruelty.

You can bet if it were a documentary about pedophiles, they wouldn't have taken the same approach by giving the perpetrator the freedom to disguise their identity. After all, pedophiles are required to register on the sex offender list on the internet, so that everyone will publicly know what they have done/are capable of doing. Why does society somehow not enforce these currently existing lax laws or what should be more ethical and humane standards of care for animals? This extends to dog fighting too. But I'm going off on a tangent. It did make me wonder though.

The one thing someone did say in the film that was probably the only intelligent thing said in the whole 76 excruciatingly dry and awful minutes of the movie is that animals are like children: innocent. They don't have the emotional or cognitive capabilities to consent to sexual acts. Anything short of consent and mutual responsible actions is abuse, rape. If nothing else, although a horrible movie, it made me think about animals in a different way...more sacred, living beings who need to be treated with respect and nonsexual love.

I also thought about how human beings are the most bizarre mammal/species. We seem to be the only species that pushes the boundaries of normalcy. We are capable of so much good, but there's also that deep dark side too. Think about it: You don't see any other animal having sex with animlas outside their species. Dogs know not to have sex with goats. Cats know not to mate with turtles. Ad infinitum. They stay within their species. Silly as it may sound, that's how fucked up the whole concept is to me.

I'd like to meet whoever said humans are the most intelligent species, because I would beg to differ. If this is what the human race is boiling down to, what does it say about humanity? I'd like to have a nice psychological debate with a zoologist or scientist. Evolution is supposed to pro-gress ahead, not re-gress into primitive behaviors. I realize this is probably a select 1% of the population that is into gross perversions, but seriously....still. What gives?

Week two: Harder than the first week.

Well, Week One of Katie's "healthy" eating habits plan seemed to fly by effortlessly. This week, however, proved to have more trying moments, cravings, and weak willpower. I would have thought the first week would be hardest, but maybe it's because I jumped right into it and was still strongly disgusted by the things I had read about food that kept me doing well. My level of disgust has been slowly deteriorating over the course of this week though and I find myself perplexed by just how much I crave and LOVE cheese. Milk? I can do without milk. I've been doing well with my Rice Dream substitute. I thought it would taste like shit, but it's actually tasty, especially the vanilla flavored one. I ate out about three times this week though, so I need improvements on eating out less. I did, however, only have 2.5 alcoholic beverages though on Tuesday night at SoPo....a glass and a half of wine and then a very tasty Cocoa martini. Mmmm, there goes the dairy again! While going vegan sounds all well and good in theory, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not that strong. I like food too much, even if it is bad for me. So at this point, I think the most realistic goal I can follow through on is to keep up with the Rice Dream, cut down on my cheese and carb intake, use sugar instead of artificial sweeteneres like Sweet N' Low, and most importantly, be aware of my portions. I must say, I WAS better with portion control this week. Thursday I had a fried shrimp basket with fries (yeah, I know, not a salad, but a girl's gotta live!), but didn't eat more than 1/3 of the fries. I also drank water with that meal. Yesterday was a particularly shameful experience though. I was absolutely starving and perhaps my hormones were raging for it, but I caved and made a beeline for my favorite Thai restaurant in the neighborhood on my way home from work. At first I was just going to order some Pad Thai and leave it at that. But my eyes became bigger than my stomach. Salivating, I ordered Crab Rangoon as an appetizer. In my defense, I did not eat all of my Pad Thai; I still have leftovers. The point though, dear reader, is that I shouldn't have ordered Crab Rangoon in the first place: pure fat...a heart attack waiting to happen. Sigh. I realized something about my food cravings: Just like drug addicts crave heroin, crack, you name it....I thought to myself, "Oh no, is cheese and carbs MY 'crack'?" Out of all the things I have been trying to stop consuming, or at least limiting, I predicted coffee would be the most difficult. Wrong. I need a 12 step meeting.

Certifiable

It takes everything within me sometimes to not go postal on a client. Ironically enough, it wasn't even a SESSION that got me all worked up with irritation and frustration....just a client who came into the clinic at the last minute, about seven minutes before we closed. She is the kind of person that every time I see her, even in passing, she has to make a production out of something. Did I mention she cries ALL the time too? I'm not exaggerating. I literally have nicknamed her as "The Crier", or "The Weeper." Even menopausal women don't cry as often as she does. But that's another story.

Here's what happened today: I'm talking on the phone with Carol about something and the client barrels into my office (uh, boundaries!) and starts yammering away about who knows what. I put my hand up and tell her to hold on a minute(!!) cause I'm on the phone.

I get off the phone a minute later and I tell her I need to reschedule her appointment for November due to a conflict in my schedule/meeting with my supervisor for the original scheduled date. She starts rambling about how she has this appointment with blah, blah, blah (as she's weeping, per usual)and I cut her off to fill out the paperwork for the drug test she's randomly been scheduled to give today. We reschedule the appt and I tell her she needs to leave her bags on the chair because she can't bring them in the bathroom with her. She gets all huffy puffy and whines about how there are people walking by (there was no one in the waiting area, by the way) that could take her stuff. I look at her with the most annoyed look and say "I'm sitting RIGHT HERE"(in front of the chair in my office where her stuff is). She says "I understand but..." as she takes her jacket and covers up her belongings on the chair. I tell her again, "I'm right here!" and she says "You better not leave." I go, "Excuse me?!" as she walks away into the bathroom. ?!?!?!

She then walks back real quick to add that she needs some papers for blah, blah, blah and I cut her off by saying "One thing at a time. You're overwhelming me here." She comes back from the bathroom a few minutes later as I'm finishing putting stuff in my computer. I get up from my chair as she's gathering her belongings so I can collect her urine test.

I ask her where it is. "I put it on your desk."(It was in front of my Kleenex container) I said, "Don't put it on my desk, that's unsanitary!" She huffs and puffs, imitating what I just said. I reiterate to her "It's UNSANITARY." Was this bitch born yesterday? I put the urine in the refrigerator up front and as I walk back towards my office, she's still standing there! I tell her we're done and she can go get her medication. She tells me she's not done, needs blah, blah, blah from me.

"We're closed. What do you need?" I reply, with a very agitated tone of voice. UGH. After she tells me quickly, I direct her to Manuela for payment crap she needs and abruptly walk back to get her chart for the drug test results that she wanted me to make copies of for her. I hand them to her and walk to the back of the clinic to vent to Carol (and the volunteer cat lady, who got a good dose of a job description of a day in the life of a heroin addictions counselor, hehehe).

After she left, I heard she had the audacity to complain to my coworkers that I was "too busy" to help her because I was "on a personal call with a friend" (when I had briefly been talking to Carol on the phone for a minute when she first barreled into my office).

I wait for the day when that woman transfers or needs to be shipped to the looney bin. Then....I will be free. :)

Saving the cats

So if you recall, last month Carol and our supervisor Gail were able to trap the cute baby kittens (one such kitten being in this picture on the left!) we discovered behind our work clinic. Actually, even Dr. Maltz was out there helping Carol and Gail catch them. I wish I could have been there to help and see that, haha, but I was out of town in Boston, MA at the time.

They were taken to a shelter in Evanston and we have no doubts they will be adopted soon, if they haven't been already! We were pretty ecstatic about that, as we have already seen three other kittens perish (in another litter!) from lack of proper care and/or nourishment by the cat mother. We really didn't want to see that happen again. Try as we did several times, however, we frequently felt frustrated by not being able to find helpful shelters to aid us in this "save the cats and kittens" efforts. There was always some red tape involved that somehow prevented our altruistic attempts. FINALLY though, things took a more positive turn since we saved the kitties.

Now, the current priority is on the five grown cats that are still living behind the clinic. Carol feeds them and checks on them like a proud human mother (hehehe) every day, but it hasn't been enough to keep them from procreating. There's at least one male cat (Carol likes to call him "Grampa" or "Papa") who sure does have alot of progeny out there....a virtual cat harem! Carol and Gail have been able to contact an organization (Chicagoland Stray Cats) to come out and trap the cats, which they are in the process of doing as I speak. They will then be taken to PAWS neutering services clinic, which they do at a low cost.

Maybe I'm just weird, but this whole process is a fascinating little thing. A lady by the name of Cathy who volunteers with CSC came in with five trapper cages. The trick is to not feed the cats a day before the trappings so that when they put the trappers out, you put food inside of the cage and the minute the cat steps inside, the cat's paw activates the cage to shut the door behind them. Voila! I asked the lady how long that can take, on average. Though she says she has never timed it before, sometimes it can take anywhere from an hour to a day or more, depending on the size of the "colony" (yes, that's the word she used!). Wow. Hopefully it won't take longer than an hour. If we can't get them all by today or tomorrow, I volunteered to come in on Sunday (my day off) to set up any remaining trappers since Carol won't be able to do it that day. Interestingly, Cathy was telling Carol, Gail, and I that cats can sometimes produce as many as 3-4 litters per year. Damn! No wonder we feel like we're always discovering new kittens!

Even more strange, Cathy added the way a female cat's ovulation system is set up or something like that, each kitten WITHIN the litter can have a different father. Apparently, a female cat only releases eggs when the male mates with her (called induced ovulation), so that male fertilizes those specific eggs. Another male can cause her to release more eggs and fertilize those. Aren't you glad this can't happen to humans?! How bizarre.

So the plan is to trap the cats, then have them taken to PAWS to get spayed and neutered. Gail will then keep them in the trappers in her garage at home for a day to give them time to heal/take it easy. Here's the part that perplexes Carol and I though: PAWS has this stipulation that they will trap, spay and neuter them, but then are required to release them BACK behind the clinic afterwards. What?! We don't understand why they won't put them up for adoption. (Update: Carol says they just trapped two!)

Carol spoke with Cathy, who shared with us that the reason they cannot keep the cats for adoption is because adult feral cats are not accustomed to living indoors with humans. Furthermore, it is impossible to tame adult ferals. That is why adult ferals are returned to their familiar environment (they are most comfortable living outdoors, aka: their "home").

We were originally thinking about calling a shelter after they are neutered to find them a home, but now that we are "cat educated," now we're not so sure. But we will still love and feed the cats, as usual. Such is our worklife anyway. :) Oh, and don't forget....Carol has a "house" for them during those cold winter days. And did I mention they eat better than we do?

For information regarding trap-neuter-return (TNR) visit: http://www.alleycats.org/ or http://www.chicagolandstrays.org/.

Fighting AIDS: A systemic approach

I've been pretty busy lately, attending seminar after seminar, presentation after presentation....mostly motivated by my drive to get as many CEU's as I need to maintain my professional clinical license to continue practicing counseling. Yesterday's presentation ("Clinical Issues Affecting Women with HIV/AIDS") though has to be (by far) the best, most relevant and informative one I have attended thus far. I went in with an open mind and walked out the door with even more questions and frustrations than I did going in. It's not enough to know the current trends of what's been going on with populations most affected by this tragic pandemic. Sadly, as the woman articulated quite clearly yesterday, the data of copious research collected and analyzed does not tell us the WHY the outcomes have not gotten better. Counter-intuitively, research actually shows that even when women are provided with optimal medical care and adhere to strict medical regimens (having to take HIV/AIDS medication 95% of the time for it to be effective!).....the disparities between illness and wellness have grown worse, not better. This invited an interesting debate for dialogue between the speaker (Catherine Christeller, Executive Director of Chicago Women's AIDS Project) and the constituents (in this case, all of us clinical therapists, psychologists, and case managers).

Is it shame and the stigma of telling other people that you are living with AIDS, thus it goes untreated and leaves a woman with inadequate support on top of it all?

Is there inadequate funding? What about misleading/misdirected preventative methods and harms reductions solutions?

Is there a disproportionate focus on a particular aspect to the detriment of other relevant aspects?

Is there a lack of balance in treating the problem holistically and systemically instead of blaming one particular factor?

Answer to all of the above: Y E S.

Thank you Mr. President, once again for contributing to keep things shitty AND leading us down an even shittier path of problems. Let's start with the funding issue.

Our wonderfully intelligent current President came up with the idea of PEPFAR (President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief), his own personal global funding/"prevention" that requires 1/3 of the money be spent on abstinence-until-marriage programs. What is the problem with this, you ask? Such programs do not address REALITY.

According to the Center for Health and Gender Equity's April 2007 stats and information, "In 2006, there were 4.3 million new HIV infections. 80% of HIV infections among women worldwide result from SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS (my emphasis is in caps!) or their primary partners. 50% of all new HIV infections worldwide are among youth aged 15-24, a clear indication that young people are already sexually active. Prevention programs need to be comprehensive for individuals. Segregating "abstain" or "be faithful" messages from messages about condoms and negotiating safer sex leaves people vulnerable. Violence against women and girls must be addressed as part of a comprehensive prevention intervention." Are we going to make AIDS all about politics too?!

Conversely and perhaps more appropriate, enacting the "PATHWAY Act" could:

***Remove the requirement of PEPFAR.

***Require the President to develop a comprehensive and integrated HIV prevention strategy to address the vulnerabilities of women and girls.

***Increases access to male and female condoms.

***Integrates HIV prevention with reproductive health and other basic health care services.

(Email or call your representative and ask him/her to co-sponsor the PATHWAY Act.)

Cutting federal and state funding for health care and social services is adding fuel to the fire as well. Medical services aren't enough, considering the typical profile stats of those women served by community based services with Chicago Women's AIDS Project in 2006:

***88% are at or below poverty level.

***44% have dependent children

***38% have been incarcerated in the past

***45% have been physically abused and 40% sexually abused as a child

***62% have been abused by an adult partner

***71% have been on HIV meds for 6 or more years

***94% report other health problems besides HIV, with 57% reporting 2 or more chronic health problems besides HIV

***58% were diagnosed with depression, but only 46% were seeing a therapist

***62% have a history of drug or alcohol treatment

***41% report not using condoms wtih current partner and 46% have had unprotected sex since being diagnosed

Why am I reporting stats for women in Chicago? After all, it's JUST Chicago, right? Wrong. CWAP's Catherine Christeller reports that this is a systemic problem. She passed out handouts on national averages as well. Alarmingly, she adds that Chicago trends tend to closely parallel those of national trends, putting those populations at greatest risk in any community across the country...particularly African American women AND men.

We cannot scapegoat a particular population as the culprit (such as the controversial "on the down low" phenomenon), however, as this is a community level problem. We need funding and emphasis on prevention AND a harms reduction approach.Thus, sex education and risk prevention in schools and other sectors of the community are an absolute necessity. While society may wish to deny or condemn homosexual activity in the criminal justice systems, it IS going on folks. Crossing our fingers and hoping for the best is not going to prevent or cure the HIV/AIDS crisis. Jails and prisons are undermining proper care. It would behoove prison systems to provide condoms to its inmates. For more on that specific topic, here's an interesting article I came across: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/AIDS/Story?id=2724605&page=1

Racism, poverty, unequal access to treatment (ie, lack of health insurance/coverage, referrals and/or access to a variety of social support services), and the prevalance of comorbid conditions (existing conditions that may or may not accelerate the deterioration of the individual living with HIV/AIDS: diabetes, liver disease, Hepatitis C, lung disease,etc) add to the complexity of HIV/AIDS as a systemic issue. Being labeled an individual with 'mental illness' also tends to be associated its own specific stigma; many don't feel comfortable being identified as having mental problems. In turn, they may be too embarrassed or ashamed to seek treatment for their mental health.

Don't lose hope though! While having a dialogue regarding medication and overall treatment, I asked the speaker how long an individual could live, given an optimal treatment plan regimen. "Indefinitely." Of course, it depends on the individual's overall health, lifestyle factors, etc. But still....indefinitely?! Isn't that hopeful enough to put forth all our community efforts in a more holistic and systemic way to treat and prevent this tragic disease? I don't know about you, but I think it's worth the time, funding and energy.

It's called saving lives.

Chicago International Film Fest

It's time for another Katie movie recommendation! Every year, Chicago hosts it's International Film Festival usually around the first two weeks of October. Since I had found out about it back in the day ('back in the day' being when I was working at Borders bookstore around 2003 or 2004), I try to make at least one film fest movie each year. Usually I see short films since it's not something you can generally find in a mainstream movie theater. But this time I wanted to watch something different. This documentary, "America the Beautiful" caught my eye. My friends Rajiv and Eddie were up for seeing it as well, so we got tickets and checked it out on Saturday afternoon. I'm not sure if or when this movie could become mainstream, but if you can find it, be sure to watch this film. It is somewhat serious, comical, and slightly disturbing (even borderline fucked up!) at times. All in all, I was impressed with the overall content and quality of the film. It was better than I even expected it to be. Definitely raises some thought provoking questions and is a great conversation starter with friends and peers on society's twisted and unhealthy obsession with physical appearance. For a little extra background, I'm including a brief article about the movie written by someone associated with the Chicago International Film Fest:

October 3, 2007
CIFF: "America the Beautiful"


A sobering statistic from Chicago filmmaker Darryl Robert's new documentary America the Beautiful: Although the U.S. makes up only 5% of the world's population, its residents are exposed to 40% of its advertising. Roberts argues that one major effect of that hypersaturation is an obsession with a certain kind of "perfect beauty," an unrealistic ideal that leaves many women feeling unhappy with how they look and guilty about what they eat. His movie is a saddening but almost jaunty exploration of how this modern notion of perfect beauty took hold, who's being taken advantage of, and who's making money from it (as it turns out, an awful lot of people). He selects as his case study Gerren Taylor, a model who started on the catwalks at the age of 12 only to find that within a few years designers were already dismissing her for having "hips that were too big" and an unsuitable waist size.

Wisely, Roberts uses a low-key approach and lets his interview subjects do most of the talking. And as you can imagine, especially among people in the industry, there's a lot rationalization to go around. A woman at ad agency Leo Burnett explains with a straight face that there are two types of female consumers: "moderately beauty-involved" and "heavily beauty-involved." A designer reveals that the reason models with tiny figures are preferable is because dressing them uses less fabric, which is expensive. And, in an especially wicked jibe, Roberts points out that despite the fact that many Revlon cosmetics contain suspected carcinogens (which are are banned in the E.U.) twice a year the company sponsors breast cancer walk-a-thons.

Regret

I'm not normally one to regret much that I say or do, however, I do regret writing a particular blog last month. I had written a blog about how my mom pushes my buttons, not realizing that her reading my words would impact her to the extent that it has to this day. I also feel like writing on this damn blogsite has been more of a curse than a blessing....like being too honest has created tension with others instead of bringing people together like I felt my old blogs used to do. I find myself writing less, having less to say, or thinking about whether what I have to say will come across with what the writing was intended for in the moment. I was supposed to write a blog today about the environment. I had something prepared to write, but now I think it would be crap. That, and I just don't feel motivated to write it. I'm not too happy with myself today.

Week one: mostly a success.

Well, I "survived" my first week of attempts at healthier living. Can't say I've been totally successful, but definitely have made improvements. I only ate "bad" foods twice this week, both times being when I ate out at a restaurant: once for Thai food (curry fried rice) and then last night for an avocado burrito and two margaritas. Other than that, I only had cheese/dairy twice this week (I think that's world record for me!). Ever since I found out about the true source of cheese, I find myself turned off by eating slices of cheese unless it's on a pizza. But maybe it's a good thing, to deter me from eating fattening cheese. I was also good about cutting back on the carb consumption. I've eaten a salad for lunch every day this week and have substituted Rice Dream "milk" in lieu of real milk on my super healthy Kashi cereal I've been eating for breakfast all week. Also have eaten more fruit throughout the week. And drank more water. AND only had two cups of coffee all week, which I normally drink once a day!

My skin looks almost flawless at the moment and very soft. I'm also feeling like my brain has more clarity to engage in psychological strategizing at work (hahaha). I've also been more joyful (aka not so cranky). Physically, I feel more "light" and bouncy, even less tension in the usual spots (neck and shoulders). I'm not sure if it's psychological or perhaps a side effect of my not drinking coffee much this week. In any case, it feels good.

We'll see how week two goes. At the risk of writing a boring blog about these new "habits," I think it can be beneficial for me in terms of keeping track of my progress. So if you find this boring to read, ignore. :)

Little projects

Some people hate brainstorming, making lists, starting and working on projects, meeting deadlines...anything involving a commitment of their time or energy. I'm not one of those people. In fact, I am beginning to think I thrive on all of the above. Sure, I have my lazy moments, but overall one could call me a go-getter. A teacher. A creator. A "life coach" of sorts. A writer (obviously). Maybe even in another lifetime, an event coordinator. Ha! I didn't realize just how happy and bouncy I've been the past week, or more aptly: Why I've been happy and bouncy. I feel like my old grad school self, the one who was always pushing herself (at times, effortlessly) to make something happen for herself personally and professionally.

What is it? LITTLE PROJECTS. I love little projects. They give you something to look forward to, no? My current little projects:

1. Looking for a job in Washington and brainstorming on how I could move out there by Spring of 2008.

2. A healthier lifestyle (see 'Simplicity' blog)

3. Raking up my CEUs with my once a month attendance at FREE (woo hoo!) clinical seminars....also going to a decent priced one this Sunday that sounds interesting.

4. Snatching up any writing ideas I can think of to keep up with the blogsite :) INCLUDING October 15's Blog Action Day: environmental issues.

5. Crossing my fingers I can pull off a fun Halloween costume for a friend of a friend's Halloween party coming up in a few weeks. I have a great idea, but it's a secret for now since it's tentative.

6. Fun, Fun, FUN and DIFFERENT way to celebrate the 'infamous' (haha) 30th birthday in a few months. Rajiv and I thought of it yesterday and I can't wait. Instead of SSDY ('same shit, different year'), we have come up with something original AND memorable.

7. Random opportunities to go nuts with my camera and mail photos to people...or print photos just for me. :)

Little projects. My cup runneth over.

Learned helplessness and empowering women.

According to Wikipedia, the definition of "learned helplessness" is as follows:

"Learned helplessness is a psychological condition in which a human being or an animal has learned to believe that it is helpless in a particular situation. It has come to believe that it has no control over its situation and that whatever it does is futile. As a result, the human being or the animal will stay passive in the face of an unpleasant, harmful or damaging situation, even when it does actually have the power to change its circumstances. Learned helplessness theory is the view that depression results from a perceived lack of control over the events in one's life, which may result from prior exposure to (actually or apparently) uncontrollable negative events."

Off and on I'll have some really powerful sessions with clients, both men and women. I was thinking today though about the difference between my typical sessions with men versus women. While I work well with both genders, I must say there is some kind of deeper therapist/client bond I tend to have with more female clients than male clients. Perhaps it is because I am a woman and can relate (or better understand) to various gender-related issues my female clients tend to grapple with: Pregnancy, Abortion, Balancing independence with relationships (romantic and otherwise), Menstruation/Menopause, Sexuality, Self-Esteem/Inner Beauty, Domestic Violence, Incest, Rape, Unhealed pain/wounds from the past, and learning to nurture ourselves as women just as importantly as caring/loving others in our life,etc.

It also goes back to "Learned Helplessness." I remember hearing once that when women go to health care providers, they don't tend to be taken as seriously by their doctor as men. Perhaps because women also tend to be so preoccupied nurturing others, they may let their own problems and pain fall by the wayside. Thus, here is where I come in to the picture: To listen, offer compassion, and remind them of CHOICES they can make at a time when things are seemingly bleak. I am sometimes almost moved to tears by some of the changes I see going on with my female clients, especially when I play even the most minute role in the process. Some recent examples:

Yesterday while in session, Client #1 showed me a picture of her beautiful six month old grandson....whom could have been aborted, had I not given my client information on the risks of a late-term pregnancy abortion to show her daughter. I'm not one to judge one's personal choices, but it's a weird feeling to know you played a role in someone's big decision like that.

After that session, Client #2 session involved a woman talking about relationship issues past and present, from family of origin (abuse) to lovers, to those with her own grown children. By the end of session, she tells me she feels better after talking to me and adds that she's not sure why she's so comfortable talking to me.....that she hasn't been able to open up with other counselors. "I don't know, there's something about you....you just seem so...nice."

Then today, I had a session with another woman who is clearly in a very abusive and destructive relationship....so much so that she is anxious and fearful he will find her and beat her (possibly kill her), especially when she has been taking the risk to come to the clinic the past few days. We talked about her physical safety (short-term and long-term plans) and setting her up to transfer to another clinic. She must have thanked me two or three times for helping her, saying no one else has been much help (as far as giving guidance and offering resourceful solutions). It was for this reason she further added somewhat teary-eyed that she didn't want to leave our clinic....likes/feels comfortable with me. As touched as I was, I emphatically reminded her of her self-worth and safety as the #1 priority...even if it means terminating our counselor/client relationship. And I also told her she can call me at work even after she leaves, at least at first, so I know how she is doing.

For as many endless psychology and counseling courses I've taken and even excellent, thorough clinical training I've received over the years for my career....nothing has been quite as powerful in my role as a therapist as just being "present" with my clients....through their anger, their pain, tears they shed, their denials, their responsible and irresponsible actions, laughter and life's sense of humor, aha(!) insights, secrets they reveal....90% of these powerful moments I attribute to my nurturing approach. And not just me nurturing them, but my teaching them the most healing thing they can do is nurture themselves: from "victim" persona to an empowered woman worthy of self-love.

Simplicity

How do you "un-know" something once you 'know' it? Well, I suppose there's the whole defense mechanism of denial, but otherwise...impossible. So what does one do with the new awareness once it has become a part of your knowledge? Live the new 'truth' to the best of your ability, as best as you realistically can in light of knowing your strengths, weaknesses and ability for "resilience." In short: making even the slightest modifications in various areas of your life can instill an overall significant positive change.

Perhaps I need to back up a bit and explain myself.....

The past few weeks I have been contemplating a more simplistic, eco-friendly way of living as I voraciously read books on this very topic. My friend Sara had mentioned having read the book "Skinny Bitch" months ago and for some reason, it came to my mind recently....and I asked her if I could borrow it. So when we met up to see a movie together last week, we did a book swap. She gave me "Skinny Bitch" and "Into the Wild" to read, while I gave her "I'm Not the New Me."

At first glance, "Skinny Bitch" seemed to be just another weight loss/health and diet kind of book. But the further I read on, my stomach growled in dismay and nauseousness at the purely disgusting and eye opening honest knowledge I was getting about the USDA and FDA's horrid food ingredient practices. It made me realize how little we, as consumers, know about what is in the food we chew and ignorantly, trustingly swallow. Food isn't the only thing we have been swallowing folks. The government's food industry practices are borderline unethical. By the time I finished this book, I was just about speechless. I found myself becoming paranoid to the point of obsession, checking the ingredient labels the last two days on everything from toothpaste to the cheese sitting on the shelf in my refrigerator. I almost grieved a loss for my blissful ignorance of food I most enjoyed, enjoying something in hindsight I didn't really know I was eating after all....besides the fact that it tasted good. But what if all the crap (processed/artificially modified foods, alcohol, cigarettes, ad infinitum) we are putting into our bodies is contributing to all the deadly diseases (like cancer) and other various ways in which our bodies feel shitty on an almost daily basis? Something that is preventable (for the most part) by watching what we ingest.

Now I'm not on a soapbox. If anything, I'm right there with ya looking up at said soapbox. I kept thinking to myself: "What do I do with this new information and still enjoy what life has to offer?" After reading "Into the Wild," I got to thinking more about a less complicated solution for myself: live more simple. Interestingly, both of these books seemed to emphasize extreme forms of simple living. "Skinny Bitch" has a somewhat pro-vegan agenda, something I cannot possibly fathom as a realistic lifestyle change for myself. And "Into the Wild," while a phenomenal story and admirable person....I cannot see myself surviving for two years without much to sustain me besides thumbing rides and wild potato plants for sustenance. What I CAN do (and you dear reader too!!) is think about what I CAN adjust and/or do without....and in the process, appreciate what I DO have and am as a person MORE!

You would be amazed how much more time and energy you have when you're not watching tv as much. Since I got my cable yanked away (damn Comcast, but maybe they've blessed me, so the verdict's still out) in early summertime, my thirst for reading is almost unquenchable! I've been reading more, connecting on the phone with people more (something I had stopped doing for awhile, relying almost solely on email/internet), exercising, taking pictures, and spending time with friends....or just with my own company.

You would also be amazed how much more "light," healthy, and energetic you feel when you're not overloading your body with junk food, caffeine, alcohol, too many dairy products and carbs,etc. I am usually a hardcore coffee drinker, every day. The last three days I have been weening myself off of daily doses (can't say I'm strong enough to cut coffee out completely) in favor of green tea after I rise and shine in the morning. I've also been eating a salad either for lunch or dinner. Call it psychological, but I DO feel better and less lethargic. Yesterday afternoon I was amazed to find myself wide awake, reading another new book at a Starbuck's (yes, I had a small mocha frappucino, but I enjoyed it and drank it very slowly) for awhile before venturing out for a 45 minute walk along the lakefront all the way to downtown.

This brings me to the next interesting book I just started: "Not Buying It." My friend Melissa recommended this book to me when I talked with her a week or so ago. The author, Judith Levine (along with her significant other, Paul), decides to take a challenging 12 month journey into a non-consumer driven kind of existence. Quite fascinating to read and even ponder for myself.

Daily American living depends, no LIVES off of the reliability of others consuming....well, anything! They are curious to see if they can forgo the 'luxuries' of consumerism ("wants" and desires), only purchasing the necessities ("needs," such as toilet paper, conventional food,etc). No tickets to the movies. No going out to eat at restaurants. No shopping for ostentatious items. Think you could do this, dear reader? Maybe. But for a year? Hmmm, I wonder. I'm only 75 pages in, but I'm hooked.

Think about it. Consumerism has a psychological basis for its sometimes unhealthy and perpetuating cycle...not so much a desire FOR the 'thing,' but for how pursuing and accumulating it makes us feel about ourselves....either in comparison or contrast to others...or just individually. Turns out, no matter how old we get, it all goes back to those formative years of having that new hip article of clothing, or the hottest new vehicle. How silly is that though? And can we find a more enduring sense of purpose and happiness free from materialistic means?

It got me to thinking about one summer, back in 2001, when I didn't have much money to my name. I wasn't working, didn't have a place of my own, and even took "showers" (in my bathing suit) right outside of the RV I was living in at the time with my mom and stepdad in rural Kentucky. Like I said, it was a penniless summer. It's not something most people know about me (until now). Surprisingly, however, I wasn't all that unhappy. I went swimming every day in the nearby motel pool, read ALOT of books, wrote in my journal, and had time to figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life in its next anticipatory chapter (which ended up being my moving to Chicago). The point is, simple CAN be more refreshing. One doesn't have to be penniless to experience simplicity; that's not what I'm saying....but it doesn't have to include monetary factors either.

Needless to say, I'm currently in search of living more simply. Consume less and use my mind (and/or body) more. Less clutter and junk in my apartment. Less financial debt. Less alcohol, less caffeine, less dairy products and most difficult of all: less carbs. As time progresses, I know it will make a big difference, no matter how hard at first. More fruits, vegetables, and water. More reading, more walking/jogging/possibly even yoga, more sleep and more quiet. More appreciation of natural beauty.

Less complex. More...simple.

Witnessing rituals and other random things.

I hurriedly stepped out the door of my apartment building this morning a little after 5:15am. Looking down the street to my left and my right, I began walking across the street as I noticed no cars were coming towards me. As I walked between two parked cars and stepped onto the sidewalk, I turned left towards the bus stop. Shortly after making the turn, however, I was distracted by something a little unsettling...or at least to the images it then conjured in my imagination.

There is a former apartment building recently turned condo, but while it is in the process of being fully rehabbed and transformed condo-style, to outside onlookers it appears empty under lock and key. This is why when I approached near the front door of the building on my short walk to the bus stop, what I saw slightly gave me the creeps in wonderment. Resting on the ground right in front of the door was a medium sized black leather semi-professional looking bag or purse. The zipper was fully open and while I could not make out the inside contents, the bag appeared full from the outside. I spotted a few pieces of paper spilling outside the outer edges of the bag. The bag looked unisex, so I couldn't tell if the bag belonged to a man or a woman. Two to three feet away from that was a black hooded sweatshirt, carelessly sprawled in a disheveled heap. There didn't appear to be any signs of struggle to indicate an attack had taken place, but nevertheless, I instinctively turned around to look for any possible people near me....walking, running, or lurking....but no one. I unwittingly start concocting crime scenes in my mind. Stop, Katie! I do....but only because there are new eye-catchers in my midst.

Every time I step onto the #156 bus, I notice the baseball cap wearing bus driver's (who reminds me of Jeff Foxworthy) eyes are looking down at me....not at my face....but what appears to be my shoes. As I am all about comfort, I wear my comfy sneakers, flip flops or any other similar comfortable kinds of shoes on my way to work. Once at work, I do the switcheroo into my slip-on high heels. Perhaps I just look tacky with my professional work attire and the temporary comfort shoes in contrast. In any case, I have done it numerous times by now. One would think Jeff Foxworthy Bus Driver would be used to it by now....yet every morning, it's like he's seeing it for the first time. I've wanted to tell him "I change the shoes when I get to work ya know..." but I just walk on and sit in my usual seat.

Just as JFBD gives me the 'eye' of the shoes on a regular basis, I too curiously 'check out' one particular man now and again. A regular passenger who gets on at the Stockton stop just past Clark and Diversey, if all an individual could see was this man, one might wonder if it was a day that keeps repeating itself like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day." A rotund man who appears to be in his 50's, he dons the seemingly same outfit AND navy blue jacket every day. It doesn't stop there. EVERY day when he sits down in his seat, he goes through the same little idiosyncratic ritual. First, he fidgets from side to side, perhaps to refrain from sitting on his jacket too tightly. With both hands, he pulls down the front of his jacket nearest the zipper. He brushes his right hand across the top of his soft, wispy black hair and shakes his head a bit as it falls in place to his "just right" parting of the hair. Much better, he appears to be thinking. He looks settled. He closes his eyes for a moment. The ritual has ended.

I am fascinated, no matter how many times I witness this. And this is just him sitting on the bus. Just imagine what rituals he has going on at work, during mealtimes, home, bedtime. Ok, I'll stop, but only at the risk of sounding like his new stalker.