Should punishment last a lifetime?

Writing this blog will probably stir more questions than answers, but I'm going to write about it nonetheless since it's an interesting topic on my mind today.

What is the statute of limitations on shame, remorse, and forgiveness vs. forget on something most people would consider morally wrong? Does it depend on whether the heinous actions have affected a small scale or a large scale of humanity? (ie, "a threat to one is a threat to all mentality)

If someone has put in the sincere and honest effort towards behavioral rehabilitation and overall positive changes within oneself, is that what should be the determining factor? How do we really know for sure if he/she IS honest and sincere? And is it really up to us humans to decide or that of one's personal god(s), karma, spirituality and/or ethics,etc. specific to the individual who has committed the morally reprehensible crime? Do we give someone the benefit of the doubt or do we never trust them (or at least quite the same) again?

Here's what made me think of all this.....

The past few years I have been working with a man who has been consistently sober, but continues to struggle with a bad choice he made under the influence of drugs: sexually molesting a minor, hence permanently deeming him with the scarlet letter of 'Sex Offender,' a virtual lifelong 'prison sentence' if you will.

As I have talked with him extensively about it over the course of the past two years, I know that he has successfully completed his time in prison, including a 6 month rehabilitation program while there. His treatment in prison consisted of 'shaming,' a cognitive-behavioral interventions that has the offender write down the offense committed on a chalkboard for all to see. The offender must then ACT OUT what he did in front of treatment therapists and other fellow sexual offenders in a group setting.

I have learned quite a bit about the thoughts and feelings experienced by a recovering sex offender by frequently talking candidly and in depth with this individual about it. While I do not know for sure if he has reoffended (because I only know what he's like in our sessions), my overall intuition gives me a strong feeling that he has honestly rehabilitated himself. Perhaps he represents a small percentage of nonrecidivism, I don't know, but this is such a difficult issue to address in society. A cut and dry solution doesn't seem like a solution.

How does one balance the overall concern for the community without alienating the constitutional rights of the individual...especially if he/she hasn't given justifiable reason to be treated as if still committing crimes?

I asked him if he thinks he will ever reach a point in his life where he won't be reminded every day of this one particular bad decision he made and commended him for his strength to cope with such judgment and harrassment from various sectors in the community (ie, he receives harrassing phone calls once a week from an unknown caller, forcing him to have the number blocked,etc). He told me that he hopes one day he will not have to be reminded of it and that it helps having people (like me) who support him through his continual treatment services.

It truly is a Catch 22. I'm not one to condone when a 'wrong' has been done, but at the same time, if someone shows true remorse and a willingness to change, who are we to say he/she cannot be a different person and make choices that will be more positive? Hmmmm. All I know is that I don't ever want to become so pessimistic that I feel myself giving up on the virtues of humanity. On the other hand, I don't want to be nieve either.

Keeping a fine balance between compassion and judgment is one of the hardest things to do....

My dearest Chicago,

Our relationship seems to be coming to a quickly approaching end. While the last few years have been a mixture of 'love and hate,' I'm going to miss you. It's easier to remember the things I don't like about you....until I'm reminded of what it is I do love about you. This past weekend showed me just that, my feelings for you truly bittersweet. I don't even know where to start, but here goes....

I was a scared 24 year old when you stepped into my life. Full of hope and excitement with the possibilities you could give me, I stepped into the unknown of our relationship. I didn't how it would turn out, if you would be right for me. Of course, there's been hard times, but that's to be expected with any relationship. Overall, I can't help but reflect how much you've given me, loved me, changed me oh Chicago. You gave me the opportunity to learn at a phenomenal graduate school, intellectually and professionally. You gave me the encouragement and strength to become adventurous, more independent...a bold risk taker. You made me proud to be who I am, always challenging me to become more than I thought I could ever be....especially since I have become a therapist with the first professional job you gave me.

You introduced me to different cultures, lifestyles, and interesting people. And anytime a good friend I'd met left our little circle for another, you presented the opportunity for me to newer and even more rich, satisfying friendships with others over the course of our time together. I've enjoyed your beauty and diversity, as well as the spontaneity you've brought to my life. Most importantly, you've helped me grow so much. I never knew you could give me incredible strength of character, to exude such strong self-confidence. I know I'll be sad when I leave you, but know this much is true: The places you've taken me are priceless. No one can or shall replace how special you've been to me the last six years. I will spend my lifetime pondering the memories of us. Thank you my dear Chicago. I love you and don't worry....I will come back to visit you.

Love always,
Katie


"It's kinda like when you go on a vacation. You plan everything out, but then one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour. And you end up in some crazy place you can't even find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening, but later you realize it was the best part of the whole trip."
--Josh Charles' character Eddy in "Threesome"(1994)

A few marbles short of a full jar.

I try, I try, I try SO very hard....to be a patient and nonjudgmental therapist, but it is a futile effort at times. Like today, for instance. Return of the emotional wreck that is Weepy Woman. She is the only client who truly tests my buttons and whom I honestly dread having to see once a month for the mandatory counseling session. It's always something with her, mostly full of 'blah, blah, blah. whine, whine, whine.' And cry, cry, cry from her...which makes me want to cry, cry, cry. Ugh. Today was just weird. Plus, she smelled like spoiled milk today. Her breath? I don't know.

She goes off these tangents of things that happened years ago, living so lucidly in the past. It really confuses me how someone can still be stuck in the 1980's, talking about a trip she took to New York way back when, but talking as if it happened last week. I had to clarify when she went on this trip because she doesn't seem to live in the year 2008. And when I can redirect her to talk about what's going on in her life NOW, I get to hear about the consistency of her shit (literally, SHIT) versus the consistency of her mother's shit...because apparently they both have multiple health issues. Ok, I'm NOT a medical doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm especially not a doctor who specializes in gastrointestinal problems. I don't want to hear about bodily function routines. Help!

I think I would rather see the character of "Norman" from the movie "Psycho" in a session than this individual. What really got me trying to stifle laughter though was when she said that her high blood pressure and cholesterol medications have side effects of making her overly emotional. Ah, so this is why she cries EVERY time I see her? Does anyone else on these aforementioned meds cry all the time? I also got to hear about how she doesn't like to swim because her butt sticks out and she has to doggy paddle. Is this 'real' counseling folks?

Then, I go to collect her urine for a drug test and when she comes back into my office to give it to me, she says something about how the tape on the bottle is broken. I try explaining to her that it's broken because she opened the bottle to use it and that all bottles are taped shut before used, broken after they have been open. Common sense, but common doesn't work with an uncommon mind. I feel like a bad counselor when I have to interact with her. I wish I could refuse to work with those that I am unable to establish a therapeutic rapport with, despite all the patience and compassion I can muster with total wherewithal. But I can't.

But I CAN be totally happy the last day that I have to see this woman for counseling. February 22, 2008 to be exact. It will be a joyous, memorable day of celebration in my professional life as a substance abuse counselor. Is that so wrong of me?

"Stamps"

A little work humor for afternoon entertainment:

Carol told me something that happened today that had me chuckling and I just had to share. One of Carol's clients pulled her aside this morning to ask if she could use the phone in Carol's office. We allow patients to use the phones in our office as a courtesy (as long as it no longer becomes a right more than a privilege), on the condition that we are in the room with them to monitor their call to make sure they aren't doing anything questionable. Most of the time, it seems to be on the up and up, but this is one of those instances where it didn't seem to be. It always makes me laugh when the 'sneaky' ones think they are being sneaky because they usually aren't smart enough to be that slick (see the last paragraph in my previous blog entry from today!). This woman is one such example, which is what makes this even funnier. According to Carol, the woman made one phone call and then asked to make another. Carol looked at her client quizzically, asking who else she would possibly need to contact after already making the one phone call but still allowed her to use the phone. Carol said she heard the client say (on the phone) something along the lines of ".....'Jim' needs to get stamps too."

Tell me, do people suddenly get the dire urge for a 'stamp' run?

Gotta love code words that just simply scream out immediate euphemisms for the obvious.

Weird night of television

Ok, so watching tv last night wasn't quite as dramatic as this creepy picture....but still bizarre in its own right. I normally don't watch much tv on a daily basis and now I'm beginning to know why. Most of it is depressing or negative news. In the span of maybe 3-4 hours of watching tv because I happened to be bored, I was updated on the ominous state of the US economy, heard about the tragic unexpected death of actor Heath Ledger, and watched an interesting and funny (albeit pathetic portrait of the most idiotic) 'reality' show of people being arrested for the most easily avoidable of 'crimes.' Wow. What a night for primetime television. I didn't know whether to laugh or sigh with sadness. I think I did both....

My favorite, by far, was watching this 'reality show' (if one could call it that) called "Jail." It's like the show "Cops," but more interesting in my opinion. The premise of the show involves what happens at different jails around the country after someone is arrested for a particular crime. Pretty interesting actually, both in its amusing and serious factors. For instance, I never knew there was something known as a 'suicide smock.' Apparently at the Tacoma, Washington jail, anytime someone says something even as vague as "I want to die" without directly hinting at suicide....they put said individual in this 'smock' that sorta resembles a cross between a strait jacket and a bullet proof vest. The guy they put in this smock was likely under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol at the time, but they still had to go 'by the book' for standard operating procedure. What was funny about it was that it was just another day at work for them, 'the nature of the beast' so to speak.

Even though it doesn't sound funny, parts of this show I could really identify with because it reminded me of the wacky scenarios I find myself in at work sometimes and just how depersonalized you have to be to deal with strange people at times. Or how you talk with them. I don't mean it in a judgmental way, just a professional way of detaching yourself emotionally while still being respectful of someone you may not normally associate with otherwise.

One of the other segments of the show featured a jail in Las Vegas, Nevada that had brought in a slew of prostitutes, all of different 'classiness' shall we say and each had their own 'reasons' for going down the risky road of prostitution. It was interesting to hear what they had to say. While I do not agree with alot of choices people may make in life, I nevertheless find it fascinating to hear their story. Sometimes it makes me shake my head out of sheer amazement or confusion and other times in a weird way I can see what might have made them go astray.

Regardless, one thing is for certain....no matter where you go, idiotic behavior is pretty much the same everywhere (ie, crying/manipulation, excuses, lies, aggressive tendencies, weird stuff people say, lack of common sense,etc). No matter how much better/more peaceful the world may get, idiocy will always be there to some degree. Job security at its finest.

The Year of Presidential Politics

I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older or more mature that my interests have shifted, but I'm finding the current presidential hopeful politics quite intriguing. I have been somewhat interested in political issues in the past, but it was never to the degree it seems to be for me now. I think it may be due to the fact that when I was younger, I didn't really think much about how politics can impact our daily lives. Now, however, I can definitely see the significant impact of such issues as health care reform, immigration, war/homeland security, abortion, budget/the economy, and the environment to name just a few. It can be pretty overwhelming, for the candidates themselves to us as their constituents! It almost makes me wonder if my friend Rajiv (who is OBSESSED with all this, hahaha) has the right idea...following all the different primaries, debates, poll results, consistency of what the candidates say (and don't say) regarding their position on any given topic. Then again, I seem to be getting alot of informative feedback from Rajiv, so maybe I just need to get my updates from him. Just kidding. :)

There are so many important political issues to address and work on changing. Where to start?!?! And what is most important to each individual constituent as far as what candidate they will ultimately vote for? This can be the tricky, complex part of the decision process.

Last night I was watching some updates on the Michigan primary on PBS to keep abreast of what has been most currently going on. Up to this point, I have felt a strong pull towards Obama and McCain. I'm still undecided, but based on what I know thus far, they are my top choices. What I'm trying to figure out is the particular issues I feel are most relevant for me to make that deciding factor. For example, the issues I associate with McCain so far are related to war, immigration, his extensive political and military experience, and his generally moderate stance on issues. While I tend to be more Moderate/Independent, I think I am more of a Democrat on certain social issues (like abortion, health care,etc), which makes me lean towards Obama.

This is hard. How does one choose??!! Sigh. Ask me again in another 10 months....

The Feeler.

I recently read this book by Osho that discussed 'types' of characteristic traits we may demonstrate more than others, specifically what guides our overall choices in life and how we (individually) relate to the world. It is pretty similiar to the Jungian Myers-Brigg test on personality (ie, thinking, feeling, judging, perceiving), but Osho's explanations seem to go deeper. While I thought I tended to be more of a thinker, or at least be pretty balanced on both thinking and feeling factors, I am now starting to realize that I'm more of a 'feeler' than a thinker. In specific situations I can be very much a thinker, but deep down, I feel alot more than I think. This can be both good and bad, I suppose. You can't have the good without the bad, right? Most choices I would say I have made about people, life, love, what to do about conflicts,etc have been primarily made through how I have felt...NOT what I have thought.

From a very young age, even though I was a difficult child, I was always very sensitive to feelings. I would spend alot of time with my grandmother and I could just FEEL how much she loved me, so much so that I was totally devastated by her death when I was just 10 years old. I knew she had died even before I 'logically' knew, an intuitive feeling. And while I was so young when she passed away, there's really no one more influential on the degree of feeling and compassion that has been instilled in me than her presence in my early little life.

Would I be as much of a 'feeling' person had she not been a part of it? I don't know. At times I have wondered if being the oldest child has made me that way too, but not entirely. I do care about my family alot, but I care about so many other people too. That was one of the other signs in the book I was reading about whether you're a thinker, feeler,etc: the feeling that you have alot of love/feeling for many people, not just limited to a person here or there. As I read that, I'm like, "Oh my god, that's totally me!!" It can be a great feeling, but it can also be difficult at times....especially lately.

One of the things I have struggled with over the years is frustration over not having a sense of fulfilled reciprocal emotional relationships off and on. Naturally, as I have said, I care ALOT about how others are, wanting to REALLY know their thoughts, feelings, secrets, dreams, fears, etc. And I enjoy those feelings, I really really do. But I also have the opposite feeling that come with it: a feeling of being the one who is taking care of others and alot of times the very people I'm nurturing aren't the ones who nurture/have an inclination to know me. I don't say this out of having high expectations, because honestly I really don't. I have in the past, but not so much anymore. Too much disappointment, too much heartache. I try to just rely on myself these days. But I still grapple with the feelings and tend to pull away from those I don't feel really care.

Lately, it has been two of my siblings. Granted, I know I'm the oldest and it's my 'role' to be the responsible one, see how they are doing,etc etc. But it gets old after awhile when I never get asked the simple questions people normally ask when they care: how I'm doing, what I'm doing, thinking, feeling,etc. I know my two siblings know I'm moving, and yet they haven't said a word about it because they're too caught up in their own drama. It may sound silly, but that's just one of numerous examples. I love them, but this hurts me. Especially since I always try to be there for them. Maybe I need to be more selective about whom I care about and with who I offer emotional support.

Sometimes I think I'm too much of a feeler, too sensitive because when I see true pain (versus someone who may just be manipulative) in a client, I too find myself getting emotional (on the inside). I can feel their pain so strongly that I secretly feel myself becoming slightly teary-eyed. I wonder if this is normal, if I'm too compassionate to be a therapist at times. But maybe it's just a part of the core of who I am. I don't think I'd want it any other way either, as hard and emotional as it can be.

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." ---American Beauty

Ethiopian, anyone?

Last night was a fun adventure. My friend Eddie made plans for Rajiv, myself and another friend to check out this Ethiopian restaurant for dinner. The three of them had never had Ethiopian food before and while I have had it twice in years past, I discovered later that night that I had never truly had the authentic thing until now...just the cheap Americanized substitute.

Ras Dashen (pictured here) in Chicago's Edgewater neighborhood, however, proved to be a cultural delight. Moderately lit for a night-time atmosphere with beautiful African paintings along the walls, we were seated at four chairs with a cool looking traditional Ethiopian "table" of sorts in between us (see far left, underneath the paintings). At first, I wondered if sitting in these chairs without much of a table would be conducive for our party of four dinner. I'm glad we did though because we got the overall authentic experience. We each selected an entree and had about 12 different items to choose from for our side dishes, as we were given three side dishes as part of our dinner to share with each other.

For my entree, I decided on the "#36," Asa Tibs: boneless pan seared tilapia fillets cooked with ginger, garlic, and Ethiopian spices. I was originally going to go for the alternate tilapia dish that was cooked with the spicy Ethiopian spice/sauce berbere, but our server convinced me to go with the 36 instead. I'm glad she changed my mind because it was simply DELICIOUS...the best tilapia I've had in a LONG time!!!!!!!!!!

For the sides, we decided on:
1.) The Qosta, which was spinach cooked with onions, garlic and spices. This was my favorite side. I think I ended up hogging most of this side for myself. hahaha.

2.) Diblik atkilt: green beans, potatoes, zucchini and carrots. It was ok, but I wasn't as big of a fan of this one.

3.) Kik alicha, a mix of yellow split peas cooked with onions, garlic, ginger and green peppers that closely resembled the consistency and appearance of humus, but was more mild/bland tasting.

Before our entrees were brought out, our server brought out a big round metal tray with a thinly spread spongy "bread" called injera which served as our 'plate' in traditional Ethiopian culinary custom. Both the side orders and our entrees were poured onto the injera, including a small basket of thicker injera wrapped in a burrito-like fashion for us to rip apart and sop up the variety of culinary selections (the Ethiopian culture eats with their hands).

I forgot how much fun and interesting it can be to have a new and eclectic cultural experience. Between the food, eating with my fingers (more fun than I thought it would be!), and listening to the live band playing (a cross between reggae and jazz), it was a unique way to spend a Saturday night. I kept thinking of my brother Alex, who would have LOVED this place. I'm not sure if he's had Ethiopian food before, but like me, he's always up for trying something new....especially culturally.

On a funny sidenote, as we were getting ready to leave I noticed a small framed map on the wall near the front of the restaurant. Curious to see what it was showing, I approached the map for closer scrutiny. It had a world map of female obesity trends around the world.

Ethiopia's stats? 0. 0%. Another reason to love Ethiopian food, in my opinion. :)

Closure

How often do we get closure on something or someone? Is it up to oneself to create the closure or can it usually only be accomplished with the help of putting yourself back in that situation or with that person 'one last time' so to speak? I suppose it can be both, but it feels less difficult when you don't have to totally create the closure all on your own.

After feeling a mixture of emotions the past month or two, I FINALLY got closure on someone I care about. I realized all that I was feeling wasn't so much even about him, but more about myself. Sure, I got closure on what this person means to me and vice versa....but I realized what it is I truly want to create for myself in the near future (in regard to having a significant other). I want the comfort and love of someone who will wake up by my side every day, who I know will be there always. I want compassion and intimacy from a man, as scary as that feels to me sometimes. Most importantly, I realized that maybe all along I have been putting up some kind of defenses against having a serious relationship. I can't say it was one exact moment where I realized this yesterday, but I sensed a turning point of readiness....to let myself be seen, known, and loved despite all the vulnerable risks it may and likely will entail.

I thought I had to let go of this person who I had all these unexplainable feelings for, but as it turns out....all I had to do was let go of the idea of the possibility. My caring emotions remain, but the longing is gone. And I feel so much more peaceful with myself, my emotions more balanced and calm.

Part of me wants to express my gratitude for what he gave me, but I also don't think he'd really understand. And that's ok. I think I'll just savor the bliss of peace and growth all to myself. The end of an unexpected chapter and the beginning of a new one....

Talking to my dad

It started out as an idea to give my dad a call last night----maybe chat for five minutes, to ask him how he's doing and updates on other family members. I love unexpected conversations where you go from a five minute conversation to an hour and a half discussion that takes on a life of its own. I was feeling pretty crappy and depressed before I talked to my dad and found myself in a much better mood when I got off the phone to go to bed after hanging up with him. I didn't even talk about myself and what's been going on with me lately. Yet, somehow he helped me to feel better without even knowing it.

Maybe it's because I'm learning more and more about my dad that I never had the opportunity to know about him before....especially his thoughts on things. It's funny because when I was younger and we didn't get along or have much of a meaningful relationship with each other, I tended to think we weren't anything alike. I always thought I was very much like my mom. I still think I'm more similiar to my mom than my dad, but....how I see things differently now!

Granted, my dad and I are opposite in some ways...specifically when it comes to politics. He leans more towards the conservative side, while I'm more on the moderate to liberal side. In the past, I avoided political discussions with him because I figured we'd clash on various issues. But last night I was surprised to find myself having some ideas in common with him and welcomed discussing the interesting topics he brought up: illegal immigration, the latest Iowa caucus findings, the 2008 presidential candidates, and our thoughts on the pointless electoral college.

We also seem to have the same mutual belief in a strong work ethic. If you really want something, you will find a way to reach your attainable goal...regardless of how hard or how much you must work to get there (ie, work jobs that don't pay much, work more than one job, sacrifice some aspects of your life for others at times,etc). I don't know where he heard it (I think he told me one of the cops he works with said this once, maybe?), but he mentioned that in order for someone to want to literally CHANGE, the 'pain' (or agony) of their current situation/rut must exceed the comfort level of familiarity or something like that in order to propel oneself with moving forward and making a change within oneself. I totally agree with that.

I was thinking this morning how lucky I am to have such intelligent and wise parents that have helped pass on these same kind of helpful values/worldview onto me, especially during difficult times in my life when it can be hard to see the proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel.' I'm also lucky to have such conversations with both of my parents. Small talk is fine and to be expected, but I also cherish the 'big' talk with them.

Love you Dad.