Heroin addiction

I happened to catch this on Oprah tonight (it's also to be featured on ABC's Nightline at 11:30). A dangerously prevalent issue....one close to my heart (in the previous 3 years of work I did with heroin and opiate addicted individuals). I had to share this here on my blog. I tried to find actual video footage of either/both programs, but to no avail. If you find Oprah or Nightline and get a chance to watch tonight's episodes, please do. If not, I have attached the following informative article. Refreshingly, it doesn't sugarcoat drug addiction as Hollywood can tend to do; it's raw and very real. People need to be educated on this increasingly pervasive problem, the disturbing reality of heroin addiction.....

(Picture at left: The Richland County Sheriff's Department regularly confiscates drug paraphenalia from drivers who inject heroin on their way back from buying the drug in Columbus, Ohio. ABC News)

Pregnant and Addicted to Heroin

Expectant Mother Is One of Many Addicts in America's Heartland

By LISA LING and KATIE HINMAN
RICHLAND COUNTY, Ohio, Sept. 29, 2008

Merry Doerr has spent her whole life in the American farmbelt, a rural pocket of green tucked into the middle of Ohio. She's close to her family, living with her mother and 4-year-old daughter.

With her blond hair and blue eyes, Doerr embodies the classic American look -- and says she grew up with classic American values.

"When I grew up, my mom had raised me in Christian beliefs," she said, "and I knew ... right from wrong based on the Bible. I was a cheerleader. I had a lot of friends."

But life is different now. Doerr, who is five months pregnant and preparing for her second child, is not like other young mothers. She's a heroin addict.

"I wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning, dope sick with my stomach in cramps and sweating," she said, describing the symptoms of heroin withdrawal. "I have to get up out of bed at 4 o'clock in the morning, and go and use. And then I go back to bed and I wake up a few hours later and have to go use again."

Doerr said she uses heroin to keep that pain at bay.

"This is what I need to be normal," Doerr said. "You know I have to do dope every day to be normal. If I didn't have my dope this morning, I would be laying in bed right now thrashing around and vomiting. I wouldn't be able to function. I need [heroin] to function every day."

'Snowing Heroin' in Rural Ohio

It turns out that in the rural heartland of Ohio, halfway between the big cities of Cleveland and Columbus, heroin is everywhere.

"I would say it's up to epidemic proportions as far as the heroin," said Dane Howard of the Huron County Sheriff's Office. "Everywhere you go, it's like it's snowing heroin."

People here say heroin is indeed blanketing the main streets of tiny towns such as Plymouth, Ohio, where Doerr grew up. Doerr's mother, Patti Case, a schoolteacher, said so many people in their town of 1,800 were addicted to heroin that she moved her family, hoping to distance her daughter from the problem. But they found that the problem stretched across the region.

"There's probably not a family here, not just Plymouth but the surrounding area, that hasn't been touched by heroin," said Charlie Doan, chief of the Plymouth Police Department. "I think a lot of that started with Oxycontin."

In the mid-1990s, OxyContin, the highly addictive prescription pain killer, was being widely abused in rural communities like this one.

"About a decade ago, OxyContin got a strong foothold here in this whole region" said Howard. "The dealers drove the price up."

Cheap and Easy

As the street costs of OxyContin rose to about $80 per pill, drug dealers introduced heroin, which provides a similar high for less money.

"Nightline" heard the same story over and over from addicts who started on painkillers and ended up hooked on heroin.

"I started out snorting Vicodins or Percocets," said one former heroin addict, who now works as an undercover informant for local police. "[I] eventually went to Oxycontins .[Heroin] was a lot cheaper and a lot better high than the Oxys."

The informant is now clean and asked that his identity not be revealed.

He assists police by cooperating in undercover drug buys. "Nightline" rode along with him and the police to Columbus, about an hour and a half away, where he buys black tar heroin directly from what he and police say is a network of Mexican dealers.

"The guys I get it from sell it in what's called balloons," he said. "Some of the guys sell it in actual balloons, but the guy I'm getting it from today, he wraps it in tinfoil. They still call it balloons because that's the street name. Typically, people get seven to 10 of these balloons for $100, or $20 apiece."

He later slipped into the dealer's car, and bought $100 worth of heroin while driving around a leafy, residential neighborhood in broad daylight. The informant said when he was actively using drugs, he would make this trip at least once a day, buying enough drugs to support his own habit and also to sell to other heroin addicts in his town.

'It's Like a Plague'

Doerr has been making that trek to Columbus for years. In fact, when ABC News first encountered her in July, she had just come back from a trip to Columbus with her on-and-off-again boyfriend. They have been shooting up together since they were high school sweethearts in Plymouth, Ohio. He asked us not to reveal his name.

"I mean, when I'm not using drugs, I'm a totally different person," he said. "Really, I mean when I'm on dope it's just like, it twists me inside out, and I just become a totally different person. I'm ruthless, I'm conniving, I'm a cheater, I'm a liar I'm ..."

"A thief," Doerr chimed in.

He said, "It's become an epidemic," describing the heroin abuse in his hometown. "It's like a plague, seriously. People I went to school with are no longer around, dead [or] in prison." He said he knows 17 people who have died from using heroin.

Later, the two shoot up, mixing a hard chunk of heroin with water and boiling it down into a dark, brown liquid that filled their syringes. Doerr struggled to find a vein that hadn't already collapsed, and as she looked for one, she showed us the bruises that cover her body, evidence of her seven-year heroin addiction

But she said she wanted help. And soon after that, Doerr was treated at a Columbus hospital in a detox program specifically designed for pregnant addicts.

The hospital got her off heroin using the drug methadone -- which is accepted as a safe method for pregnant women, and their unborn children, to wean their bodies off a narcotic. But there is no methadone clinic back at home for her to maintain that treatment.

The next time "Nightline" met up with her, in August, she was shooting up again.

Doerr said she resorted to heroin because she can't quit cold turkey.

"It's like food to my baby," she said. "It's like food everyday. That's why I'm saying it has to have it everyday. Just like I do.

"The fact that I've been using for seven years, each time you get strung out and each time you go through detox it gets worse and worse," she says. "And the fact that I'm using, you know -- the amount that I'm using a lot -- I've cut back half of what I was using. I was using six balloons a day. Now I'm using maybe three."

Detox Facilities Hard to Find

Total detox, Doerr says, is unbelievably difficult.

"I might make it to the second day and I'm just spazzing out and panicking. And the second day I'm trying to find a fix. I can't do it," she said. "People say, 'Well, if you love your daughter, you will shape up.' It's not really a question of loving my daughter. I'm a mother. I love my daughter as much as any mother could love their daughter. It's a matter of loving myself enough and doing what I have to do, you know? It's not a matter of how much I love her."

Doerr often contemplates if her decision to raise Riley, her 4-year-old, was wise.

"Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have given her up for adoption," she said, crying. "Because she has to see me come in and out of her life, and it's not fair. It's not fair. And it gets harder the older she gets. ... As a parent nobody wants that for their daughter."

Doerr's mom, Patti, has custody of Riley, and cares for her while desperately trying to find help for her daughter. But help is hard to find in the heartland.

Despite the rampant heroin abuse here, there is no detox facility in the entire county, meaning most addicts must wean themselves off of the drug at home. Experts say while heroin detox is painful, it's not usually dangerous in the way other drug withdrawals can be. So emergency rooms usually turn down heroin addicts looking to detox, because hospital supervision is rarely considered medically necessary.

For most addicts, staying clean after detox requires a long-term rehabilitation program. And many of those programs require insurance, something few addicts have. As a result, jails have become makeshift detox centers. "When I get out I'm going to try and stay off it," said one Richland County Jail inmate in Mansfield, Ohio. "Because this is the longest I've ever went without using it. I mean I've tried to quit several times but I never went past a week, if I even made it that long. I've been in here since June 4. It's been over two months." [This] is the longest I've ever been clean," said Sue Mills, another inmate who had been without heroin for eight days since getting into jail. "They don't have any methadone clinics here. They don't have needle exchange programs. You can't buy needles in Richland County. So it's a neverending cycle of sharing needles and hepatitis. It's just a nightmare."

It's a nightmare not just for the addicts but also for local law enforcement, which is overwhelmed by the crime heroin has brought to their communities. They've seen it affect all kinds of people. "It could be the person that you know played football in high school," Doerr said. "It could be the person next door. It could be, you know -- just everybody is strung out, you just don't know anymore. You hear everyday stories of, oh, this person, so and so is using drugs. You know mostly you hear about mothers talking to mothers, just so many of their kids. So many people my age are strung out. But even people my mother's age in their 40s are strung, too, it's caught them too."

'I Have No Life Right Now'

Doerr said she is desperate to break free of the grasp heroin has on her.

"I have no life right now," she said. "I try to maintain a halfway normal life where I go and get what I need and I come back and I take care of my daughter. But even now I'm not fully here.

"I am sick much of the time even when I have dope. I'm sick all the time. I sleep all the time," she said. "Seeing myself clean is not out of sight yet. [And] I can't lose that. If I lose that then I have nothing."

For information about how to help those suffering from drug addiction, please visit the Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

The grass is greener on the other side syndrome

I've definitely got a case of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side' syndrome when it comes to city living. I find myself constantly measuring Seattle against the brilliance of Chicago. When am I going to accept that they are totally different cities? I'm still in denial because to admit it would probably make me more bummed than I already feel about this city right now. I'm trying really hard to give it a chance here, I really am.

Maybe it's the actual PEOPLE who live here that make this city not as juicy to live in as Chicago. I have heard of the Seattle freeze, but didn't really notice it as much until I started my job at the end of the summer. I have observed a standoffish quality to them, one of seriousness and lack of warmth and joviality. It's weird. And it's not because they are responding to my attitude because I will smile and say a friendly Hello or try to strike up conversations to get to know others better. They are closed off. It makes me uncomfortable.

I have heard you have to meet people here who aren't from Seattle. Funny enough, even the people I have met NOT from here are the same way. It's like if you live here long enough, you turn into a Seattle pod or something. If that's the way it is here, I have no desire to partake in that transformation of my personality. I'm not sure what to do. I know I haven't been here that long. In the overall scheme of things, the settling down process from moving out of state can take awhile. What I wonder is, what is the acceptable amount of time to give a new place a chance to grow on you and if it doesn't, reconsider where you want to live? I can't STAND moving (I need to be in one spot for awhile), so realize I am very serious when I say this.

Yesterday I pushed myself to check out the area of shops and restaurants in my neighborhood about a mile away from my apartment, something I've procrastinated doing because I would rather check it out with someone than by myself. It was a beautiful day and motivated to find a birthday present for my mom, out I went. I walked around for about 30 minutes and nothing really stood out to me. Sure, there were a few restaurants that smelled good and I'll be curious to try out sometime. But all I could do was get nostalgic about my old Chicago neighborhood. I never got sick of wandering around Lakeview on the weekends. Borders for my books. Bamee for my Thai food cravings. The indie movie theater in the Century Mall on Clark. Starbucks for coffee and some downtime to read, study, or hang out. The farmer's market on Broadway. So much more diversity and liveliness.

When I was about to walk into a thrift store yesterday, a woman on the other side of the door rudely told me they were closed. I apologized and walked away.

Luckily, I had a better experience around the corner at the eclectic Chocolate Cafe. That place was cool and had character. An alternative looking employee (aka lots of tats and piercings), dark colored walls (mauve-ish color I think), canvas paintings on the back wall (probably done by locals, I'm guessing), and a few tables in the same area where you could drink your beverage and enjoy the variety of delectable chocolate options.

Cliche as it sounds, it is SOOO true that you sometimes don't realize how much you love a person or place until it's gone. Hindsight. Ain't it a bitch?!

Saying what you mean and meaning what you say

How many people do you know say what they mean and mean what they say? More the exception than the rule? What happened to respect and genuine honesty? Not brutal honesty, but a caring honesty. I realize it's not always easy, but life isn't always easy. Does that mean you take the short cut to instant gratification at the expense of hurting someone else? I just don't understand.

People say "I didn't want to hurt you" or "I really care about you" but what do their actions say? Especially when one is putting oneself out there, the least the other person can do is reciprocate. It's not easy for either one to do, but one would think the scary uncomfortable risk of being vulnerable with each other would be worth the potential fulfilling 'reward' in the end: feeling truly known, seen, understood.....even if things don't turn out the way one or the other individual had hoped.

There have been so many times I have put myself out there with my feelings for someone and it's backfired. Of course it hurt, but in the end I know I expressed how I felt and what the guy did with the knowledge was up to him. The ball was in his court. That's not even what upsets me the most. I just read a blog my friend (KC) wrote about lies. It really struck a chord with me. I felt compelled to comment, which I did. I felt further compelled to then write about it here.

I was telling her how when I revealed my feelings to someone I cared about for SOOO long, he told me his job was his focus, blah blah blah. Didn't even tell me how he felt, whether negative or positive. That was his response, with mixed signals no less. Nice, huh? To this day, I still don't understand what's going on in that brain of his and whether I mean anything to him. We stay in touch superficially (I don't even know why. Maybe I'm not ready to let him go out of my life completely yet?), but there's no substance or intimacy there like I felt there was in the beginning when I met him.

I also found out recently that someone in my life has been lying to me and I just don't even know what to say to this person right now. I wish I could be unbiased and supportive, try to see from an objective standpoint. It's not possible, at least not now. A part of me is also feeling selfish about how this impacts my own relationship with him, like it's going to regress to the way it was years ago: distant and emotionally vacant. The lack of hope and optimism within me about this deeply saddens me.

It may sound sexist to say, but this is my blog and this is how I feel lately so I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say.....

It seems to me that men have a harder time being emotionally genuine than women. I honestly believe that. I think there is truth to this gender stereotype. I can think of more examples of men being dishonest with their feelings (and giving mixed signals) than women. I'm proven right more than I'm proven wrong when it comes to men.

Will this honesty dynamic ever change? Is there hope for a world of emotionally mature men?

Scott and long distance friendships

Scott and I became friends while working at Borders in Chicago. I'm not sure exactly what year it was, maybe 2003 or 2004. I think I was working alot of 3-11pm shifts performing my usual bookseller duties on the second floor. This typically included hanging out at the art/photography section info desk alot. Scott worked the overnight shifts, collecting magazines and books that were left behind or getting things out on the floor from the stock room. His shift would begin as mine was nearing the end. There was always a surplus of magazines and other various items left behind in the section where I worked, which meant Scott wasn't far behind.

We would talk and laugh about nothing in particular, but never really had time to have lengthy conversations. Once in awhile we would take a lunch break together at the Italian deli across the street in the Hancock building. Over time, we would even hang out every few months to grab lunch, see a movie, or have a few drinks (more so after we no longer worked together). This was the extent of our friendship though, a relationship based on spontaneity and less on any mutual long term loyalty. Not to say this was a bad thing. I think we just didn't have any expectations of each other, in a good way.

I hung out with Scott a few times shortly before I was to move from Chicago to Seattle. I remember the second to last time I hung out with him being the most enjoyable time I've spent with him....probably ever. It was a Saturday morning towards the end of January. I had run some errands after work and Scott called to see if I wanted to hang out with him, in his usual spur of the moment way I like so much. I didn't happen to have any plans for the day and headed downtown. We had lunch at the aforementioned Italian deli/restaurant and talked about his contemplations to move out of state. In turn, I shared with him some recent confusion I was having about a few guys in my life. We ended up spending the whole day doing a bunch of spontaneous things after that. We saw "Cloverfield" at the movie theater, had a few drinks at a dive bar in the financial district downtown, and walked around the downtown area (including stumbling into an old, ornate chapel for a few minutes to listen to a man playing a harpsichord). All the while we talked....about everything. It wasn't until then that I realized how much I would miss Scott and certain things about the fabulous city of Chicago, a spontaneous day with a spontaneous friend for instance.

What I have always liked about my friendship with Scott is that he has interesting ideas, insights, and perspectives on just about anything...not to mention a great sense of humor. A great conversationalist is hard to find and I have always valued this quality in him, especially regarding topics other friends of mine might shy away from.

A few months after I moved to Seattle, Scott moved to North Carolina. He took a giant leap and was excited about the prospect. I, too, was excited for him.

Since his move, Scott and I have talked on the phone quite a bit the last 2 or 3 months. He had alot on his mind and I would listen. He was new to North Carolina and I was new to Seattle. Maybe talking to a familiar friend gave both of us some comfort, changing the dynamic of our friendship. Or maybe talking about things that have been difficult for us added a different element of intimacy to the friendship that wasn't there before. Maybe both. Whatever the case may be, I like the new dynamic that has evolved.

Scott has decided to move back to Chicago because things didn't turn out the way he thought they would, for reasons I won't go into here because I don't want to reveal his personal life in my blog. While talking on the phone with him tonight, I found myself asking him to promise me something. It was as if the words flew out of my mouth before I had a chance to realize why I would ask such a thing, why it suddenly became important to me. I wanted him to promise me that we will still talk on the phone (like we have been) even after he moves back to Chicago, to promise that he won't fall off the planet and become a stranger/someone I never hear from.

We started talking about his idiosyncrasies (that he's absentminded and wants me to 'pester' him if he forgets/doesn't call for awhile) and mine (that I don't like pestering my friends or coming across as a needy friend). This led to a conversation about friendships, particularly long distance friendships. He brought up an interesting and thought provoking question that I sometimes wonder myself. He told me that he has never really been the kind of person to maintain long distance friendships and that he isn't quite sure why he has kept a friendship with me now that we are no longer in the same city. He said this with an honest and sincere curiosity, something he wants to genuinely reflect on in his own time.

I remember learning in one of my undergrad psychology or sociology classes that there are different factors people consider when it comes to friendship and how long they last. One of the top predictors of a long term friendship is proximity, living in the same geographical area. So when I think about Scott's question of 'What am I getting out of a long distance friendship with (whomever)?".....I have to say I wonder why I continue some of my relationships as well.

I love my friends, but they live all over the United States. Realistically, how often will I be able to see them? I can go for years without seeing them, though not because I want it that way. It's just too expensive to travel and see all my friends. Some friends are best in person, some on the phone, some via email correspondence. Yet, all my friends (except Tracy because she lives...yup: near me again) live far away.

So what is the motivation behind long distance friendships?

Friendships are more than about going out for drinks on the weekend or engaging in superficial small talk to stay 'updated' on each other's lives. Near or far, friendships are about connection. Revealing the intimate details of oneself. Inside jokes and funny stories. Sharing in each other's joys, as well as one's pain. Philosophical ideas, goals, values, passions. Experiences and memories, shared or separate. People who love us for who we are, despite our idiosyncrasies. They see our potential and inspire us to reach it. The list goes on and on.

So when I think about why I continue to have long distance friendships without knowing the 'final' outcome or rationale, I just have to think of a friend like Scott and that's all the 'answer' I need.

A place to call my home

It's official: I signed the lease to my new apartment this afternoon! I'm beyond excited to have a place to call my own again, as well as the freedom to do whatever I want living alone again. I went to IKEA with my mom and my Aunt Su (who was in town visiting us for the weekend) after I signed the lease. I saw SO much stuff I wanted to get, but I also had a budget to consider and decided it would be best not to get overzealous with domestic purchases. That and the fact that I'm not good when it comes to putting things together. If it requires minimal steps and minimal tools, I can do it....but if there's any kind of map with numbers on the put-it-together process....forget it, I'll be lost!

I bought lots of little things: a toothbrush holder, a small garbage can, scissors, silverware, a plastic tray for the silverware, a small lamp and energy efficient light bulbs, a wide glass bowl to put some stones and/or tealight candles in, tealight candle holders, small pot set of 3, and a combination set of plastic containers (for food). I didn't think I bought that much and yet I still managed to spend about $60! Shopping for domestic items sure does add up! I'm having fun with this new home project though. I'm going to buy some curtains for my two windows once I'm able to move in and get measurements.

My goal is to eventually find 2 comfortable bar stools for the bar counter area near the kitchen, as well as a bookcase, a tv/dvd table (or whatever it's called), and a nice comfortable chair or small couch.

My aunt gave me a great idea as far as pictures for the walls too, something I probably wouldn't have considered. I was telling her and my mom how I don't think I want to keep my framed artsy type pictures. I have had the 2 Renaissance framed paintings and the 1 framed Paris photo since I was in college. I don't feel like it fits who I am now, like it's not an accurate reflection of "Katie." Su suggested I take some photographs of mine, blow them up and frame them on my walls. What a great idea!!!

I'm already thinking about which photos I might want to enlarge and frame. One definitely has to be of Chicago, I know that much. Hopefully I will have the original image sizes of whatever pictures I decide I want to enlarge, which reminds me readers.....are there any particular photos of mine that you really like and think would like great on the walls of my new home? Put them below in the 'suggestion box' (aka, leave me a comment here). :)