The best "teachers"

Sometimes the best "teachers" in life are those individuals that challenge and remind you of your integrity, kindness, and compassion in the face of their lack of humanity. Resentment, nasty criticism, and self-righteousness make for the perfect cocktail of the ego's dark side. I've never really understood why people hold on ever so tightly to resentment when it's counterproductive to their own sense of well-being and overall happiness in life. Granted, resentments can pop up for anyone (myself included) at times in life...but what makes a difference is whether you allow them to fester or examine it, work through it...and let it go, for your own sanity and well-being above all else. It's just not worth it. Yet so many are stuck in their ego (being "right" or "better than" another infallible human being). For the person on the receiving end of a "grudge" or a resentment that cannot or will not be forgiven, this can trigger uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. One may feel angry, guilty, unworthy, maybe even "attacked." Depending on experiences you've gone through in life and grown from (or not), you can choose to take it personally or move forward (preferably without those toxic people and situations).

I got to thinking about this "perfect cocktail" tonight as I reflected on how that truly has been the theme of the day. Maybe there's a lesson in there for me. I had a client talking at length about anger and resentment he harbors against a family member. He acknowledges that she may never change but has been unable to let go of it, so much so that his resentment triggers self-destructive behaviors and sometimes leads to a drinking relapse. His resentment hurts him more than it hurts the family member.

Interestingly, I was on the receiving end of some nasty criticism and resentment tonight. Last night I had emailed someone from my past that I had not communicated with in quite some time. I won't go into the specifics here because it's too personal to blog about, but basically the only reason I contacted this person was to let him know about a friend's death. I felt compelled to let him know because if it wasn't for him, I never would have known this friend who was such a huge, loving presence in my life. My email was well-written, informative and to the point. Nothing was brought up about the past. I even expressed gratitude for having met my friend because of him. I was pleased with what I expressed.

The response I received, however, was completely opposite. It was fraught with resentments from the past, fueled by his judgments of both myself and my friend with an incredibly self-righteous demeaning tone. Even in light of my friend's death, this individual still chose to hold on tightly to his ego and discard any sense of humanity. Some people just never learn. Some people would rather be assholes and say or act somewhat abusively to puff up their own sense of "power" than be kind, forgiving, and compassionate. I've encountered this same M.O. from a few other individuals over the years and while in the past I felt very emotionally wounded by this kind of viciousness (for lack of a better description or interpretation), I quickly bounced back from this particular incident tonight. I was shocked and slightly upset by the unexpected harsh words for a short time, but in the overall scheme of things I chose to not take it personally nor embrace his words as truth or reality.

This is is what I have learned from the best unkind "teachers:" Life is too short to hold onto the bullshit. I don't know about you, but I'd rather hold onto the good: kindness, love, compassion, gratitude, peace, and self-acceptance.

With that said, I'd like to make a shout-out to all the assholes that have been a part of my life. Thank you very much for teaching me to not be like you.

Saying what you mean and meaning what you say

How many people do you know say what they mean and mean what they say? More the exception than the rule? What happened to respect and genuine honesty? Not brutal honesty, but a caring honesty. I realize it's not always easy, but life isn't always easy. Does that mean you take the short cut to instant gratification at the expense of hurting someone else? I just don't understand.

People say "I didn't want to hurt you" or "I really care about you" but what do their actions say? Especially when one is putting oneself out there, the least the other person can do is reciprocate. It's not easy for either one to do, but one would think the scary uncomfortable risk of being vulnerable with each other would be worth the potential fulfilling 'reward' in the end: feeling truly known, seen, understood.....even if things don't turn out the way one or the other individual had hoped.

There have been so many times I have put myself out there with my feelings for someone and it's backfired. Of course it hurt, but in the end I know I expressed how I felt and what the guy did with the knowledge was up to him. The ball was in his court. That's not even what upsets me the most. I just read a blog my friend (KC) wrote about lies. It really struck a chord with me. I felt compelled to comment, which I did. I felt further compelled to then write about it here.

I was telling her how when I revealed my feelings to someone I cared about for SOOO long, he told me his job was his focus, blah blah blah. Didn't even tell me how he felt, whether negative or positive. That was his response, with mixed signals no less. Nice, huh? To this day, I still don't understand what's going on in that brain of his and whether I mean anything to him. We stay in touch superficially (I don't even know why. Maybe I'm not ready to let him go out of my life completely yet?), but there's no substance or intimacy there like I felt there was in the beginning when I met him.

I also found out recently that someone in my life has been lying to me and I just don't even know what to say to this person right now. I wish I could be unbiased and supportive, try to see from an objective standpoint. It's not possible, at least not now. A part of me is also feeling selfish about how this impacts my own relationship with him, like it's going to regress to the way it was years ago: distant and emotionally vacant. The lack of hope and optimism within me about this deeply saddens me.

It may sound sexist to say, but this is my blog and this is how I feel lately so I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say.....

It seems to me that men have a harder time being emotionally genuine than women. I honestly believe that. I think there is truth to this gender stereotype. I can think of more examples of men being dishonest with their feelings (and giving mixed signals) than women. I'm proven right more than I'm proven wrong when it comes to men.

Will this honesty dynamic ever change? Is there hope for a world of emotionally mature men?