Enlightenment and classic literature

I consider myself lucky to have crossed paths with exceptionally intelligent people in my life, many of which have become my friends. Still, I have to wonder what it would be like to live in an exceptionally intelligent society. Sadly, it's almost unfathomable to me.

The other night while conversing with my mom and brother, somehow we got to talking about compliments. Mom was curious to know, "What would be the highest compliment someone could give you?" It took my brother and I a few moments to contemplate one all-encompassing word to describe who we are as individuals. Alex came up with 'genuine' (which I like) and for me it was 'enlightened.' It's not so much that I see myself as enlightened as far as an end result, but rather a process on the way to an enlightened state. This would be the highest compliment because it speaks to all aspects of who I am as an individual....in regard to knowing thyself, the world, and its inhabitants. Enlightened is a word that sums it up for me, with utmost humbleness.

I am reminded of a disappointed friend who recently shared that he wishes he had friends who liked to read/intellectual discourse more than just going to the bars for fun. I know only too well how he feels. Even though I have my share of smart friends, the ones I can have literary and philosophical conversations with are few in number.

Then there was some higher education article link my mom sent me a few weeks ago detailing the depressing commentary of aliterate people in this country, those who CAN read and choose not to do so. Or intellectual poseurs who have "impressive" books they have never opened, only displaying them on ornate bookshelves for aesthetic purposes. Being the bibliophile I am, hearing this thoroughly disgusts me. Mainly, I feel pity for others who haven't had the experience of reading a classic literature novel and all it can evoke.

For example, right now I'm reading Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy's "Resurrection." Each time I read a classic, it is as if I'm reading it for the first time. Each novel presents itself to me in a unique way. It challenges my intellect with the words it uses to describe details (not the "dumbing down" words we are consciously or unconsciously privy to in everyday mainstream society dialogue), words I may have forgotten I knew the meaning of or sometimes encouraging me to learn new ones. Through in depth character development, there is the opportunity to see through the psychological and emotional lens that can impact the characters to do what they do. These are significant aspects that cannot be found in a fluffy blockbuster film. I would even go so far as to say not even in a majority of contemporary fiction. It seems getting a book published in the 21st century has more to do with who you know and how much money you have than it has to do with real talent. Or how much a writer's work has the capacity to be both timeless and a worthy contribution to humanity (in what it has to teach, inspire one's imagination, or both).

Furthermore, classic literature is one of the few genres that is rich with layers of complexity. It examines the dynamics in relationships across the board (between friends, lovers, and family members) and how those patterns influence the outcome of events unraveling throughout the story.

Universal themes (love, power, forgiveness, guilt, religion/spirituality, romance, lust, the various forms of prejudice one may face, secrets, redemption, the list goes on and on) and moral implications.

"Resurrection" has me contemplating something I learned many years ago in a Sociology class (Intro to Criminology). I remember learning various theories that served as possible "explanations" for criminal behavior. I can't remember the name of the theory, but basically one in particular talked about lack of community resources being a motivation for individuals to go down a path of crime that they normally wouldn't under more 'supportive' circumstances. One of the main characters in the novel feels a sense of guilt that he led his one true love down a downward spiral of prostitution, theft, and murder. The way he responded to her years before, he feels, may have made the difference between her being a 'good' vs. 'sinful' woman. If he had the courage to love her and not repress his true feelings, her future (and his) could have taken a different path. In a way, he feels it was HE who did all those 'bad' things for which he must seek atonement. It made me think twice about how much responsibility we have to others. Perhaps it's the small part of compassionate 'idealist' in me that strongly resonates with social responsibility and looking out for other's welfare. Yes, we make our own choices and it's ultimately up to oneself to create our own reality.....yet, I feel both individual and social concerns are at stake.

See what I mean? The layers are endless with classic literature.

I hope one day I live in a society that places a priceless value on the humanities (creative arts and education) because as it stands, we aren't as 'human' as we could be.

"The unexamined life is not worth living."
---Socrates

True meaning of Christmas

As I sit at my mom's computer in the attic-like room of her small house, I am surrounded by darkness, cold air, and snow gently falling outside. Mom is napping, Keith is wrapping Christmas presents, Chloe is napping and Sable is sitting pretty in a Christmas cape outfit on her cushiony dog bed. I hear the intermittent sounds of airplanes overhead, the only sound I hear besides my fingers clicking away at the keys on the keyboard in front of me. I feel somewhat sad that my brother isn't on the plane that I'm hearing above.

Yesterday I found the unpredictable winter weather here in Seattle fun and interesting. Today I just want to take some sort of revenge on Mother Nature, and then I realize it doesn't work that way. Alex was supposed to be coming in from Boston tonight. He called us late in the morning to say his flight plans were all screwed up. He was really mad (understandably) about the situation, but is apparently trudging through it with a perseverance that only the most 'stuck' traveler can muster...standing in line for hours to find some miraculous alternate flight plan to make it to Seattle for Christmas. Mom and I left shortly after his discouraging call, en route to Target for some final Christmas items.

As I roamed around the store and the inevitable pandemonium, I got to thinking about the true meaning of the holidays. I know I'm not alone when I question how many people grasp the deeper symbolism Christmas is supposed to represent. Somewhere in the holiday shuffle, the importance of it has become lost to commericialism and stress of having enough money to spend or "What do I get for so and so?" What about being with the ones you love? I've been going through the motions of buying Christmas presents, almost as if approaching a dreaded chore. Sure, I'm a thoughtful and generous person. I'm also a simple, non-materialistic person who doesn't need presents and conversely, I don't like to feel obligated to get them for others (which is the case with my extended family members this year). I would rather have the gifts of conversation, laughter, travel, and hanging out with some of my favorite people. The gifts of experience and memories, the things that don't have a shelf life or the ability to be re-gifted or returned with a store receipt.

As Mom and I commiserated about how the weather has created an unpredictable change to our plans for Christmas, I realized seeing my brother Alex is the only thing I've been looking forward to and the only thing I 'want' for Christmas. I'm not sure how it will play out. I am happy to know, however, that I am in the proud minority of society who can appreciate the true meaning of Christmas. Funnier still, considering I resonate with Buddhism over Christianity. But that's another story.

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs)

I wanted to share something I found from a book I had to read for my "Chemical Dependency and the Family" class I took this semester. Very interesting and it really made alot of sense to me. I have personally seen the numerous characteristics described play out in ACOAs I know....

(From Before It's Too Late: Working with Substance Abuse in the Family by David Treadway)

Most ACOAs are unaware of the relationship between their early life experiences growing up in a dysfunctional family and the problems that bring them into treatment. Yet, due to the legacy of low self-esteem, difficulties with trust, unresolved dependency, and blocked affect, adult children are likely to develop a wide variety of symptoms. In addition to being at very high risk for replicating the alcoholic family system by becoming an alcoholic, marrying one, or parenting one, ACOAs are particularly vulnerable to having difficulties in their close relationships.

A strong fear of being hurt and a desire for nurturance are usually the prime motivating forces for ACOAs in their relationships. For most ACOAs, these needs for safety and for intimacy are mutually exclusive. Intimacy is based on the partners's being trusting, affectively available, and interdependent. For the adult child this is a very unsafe position, one that almost always evokes the sense of danger, dread, and entrapment from childhood.

ACOAs struggle often unconsciously to find a form of intimacy that doesn't sacrifice safety. Many adult children simply avoid becoming too close to others, preferring a life alone to the risks of being hurt in a close relationship. Others find ways to engage in self-protective partial intimacy. They may find emotional closeness acceptable, but sexual intimacy impossible or vice versa. They may become emotional pursuers, thereby avoiding the anxiety of waiting to be sought after. Alternatively, they may play the role of distancer, avoiding the risk of rejection. Some individuals manage by maintaining multiple relationships, rather than putting all their emotional eggs in one basket.

The need for safety is compounded by the fact that adult children usually are blocked affectively and have very little underlying self-esteem. This leads them to be unaware of how they are expressing their anxiety and neediness in relationships as well as afraid that everything is their fault in the first place. Adult children are prone to remain in abusive relationships because they are not in touch with feeling abused and feel they don't deserve any better.

Finally, ACOAs seek in their present relationships a chance to make up for their past pain. They may look to marry strong competent people who, they hope, will be able to take care of them in a way that didn't happen in their childhood. Conversely, they may marry underfunctioning spouses, since they feel most comfortable in the caretaker role. Such a marriage gives them a chance to rewrite the story. The young woman may not have been able to rescue her alcoholic father, but maybe she can transform this rebellious young man with her love.

Seeking in one's adult relationships emotional reparations for the hurts of childhood is an effort doomed to failure. No matter how much the spouse loves the ACOA, he/she can't really make up for the past and will often feel inadequate. Spouses become frustrated and tend to distance because they feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. This response only confirms the ACOAs' worst fear, which is that other people will ultimately abandon them.

Birthdays

Birthdays become so dull and insignificant as I get older. I suppose they have never been particularly "exciting" for me, except in the way that I get a sense of the proverbial warm fuzzies just seeing and hearing from the thoughtful people in my life. I'm all about the little things in life. I don't know. I guess when I get to share it with people I love, it's a comforting ritual. When I'm in transition and far away from those I'm most connected to, it feels like just any old day...non-special. Or at least this is what I anticipate will happen a week from now, seeing as I'm currently feeling that way.

I'm partially bummed because today it's my close friend Rajiv's birthday and I totally wish I was with him tonight celebrating. I miss him so much. I hope he's having a wonderful night with his new friends. I just wish I was in Chicago, even if just for tonight. It is moments like this when I wish teleporting were totally possible. With that said, my birthday without Rajiv and Eddie will likely be quite boring and uneventful. As of this moment, I have nothing planned for my birthday. Absolutely NOTHING. I am taking the day off from work to have a "me" day, relax and whatever. I was looking online yesterday for a potential spa to get a massage, as I haven't had one in over a year and that's my idea of the perfect indulgence to treat myself. If not that, maybe go on a photography adventure somewhere in the city (if the weather permits) or go see a movie during the day and maybe have dinner with my mom that night. Who knows.

I like being independent and doing things by myself, but some things are better enjoyed with company. I'm trying to take the Carrie Bradshaw (from "Sex and the City") perspective and have a "date" with the city....meaning, Carrie would create her own joy by doing fun things by herself in New York City and not depending on others for her happiness. I like to think I emulate her (the character's) persona in some ways. Maybe this will be another chance for me to do so.

I remember the last time my birthday felt kinda "blah" was December 2001, my last really big year of transition...as I had just moved to Chicago...literally, like a few days to a week before my birthday. My mom and I had unloaded all my shit from the Penske truck into my tiny studio apartment. It was incredibly cold, characteristic of Chicago....but I wasn't immune to that sort of weather yet (not like I ever truly was in the 6 years I lived there, but still!). I didn't know the city at all; it was a total stranger to me. Nor did I know a soul. My mom would only be staying with me for another week because she didn't want me to spend Christmas totally alone (for which I was grateful) and then she would be going back home. I would eventually be totally on my own in a big, bustling metropolis. We got everything settled and cozy in my new apartment. My birthday rolled around, not feeling much like a special "me" day. I remember wanting to see "Vanilla Sky." My mom and I took the el to this really ghetto movie theater on Lincoln. As we were standing in line to get our ticket, something caught the corner of our eye out the front window. A taxi had pulled up and the passenger inside jumped out, shouting and creating quite a commotion with the taxi driver, who had allegedly scammed the man out of a legitimate route (the driver was accused of taking a longer route to milk more money out of the customer, which...knowing Chicago cabbies, wouldn't surprise me).

I remember watching "Vanilla Sky" and liking it....but my most vivid memory of my birthday was this particular scene. Not sure if that's a good thing or not, though the odd absurdity of it still gets a chuckle out of my mom and I when we get to reminiscing about amusing memories....

Then I think back to one of the best birthdays I've had yet, that being my trip to Michigan with Eddie and Rajiv last year. It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. I wish every year could be that special and yet, it might not have been that special without something less significant in contrast. Like it was said in "Vanilla Sky," 'I know the sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.' Still, I told a coworker today that I'll be glad when this year is over and DONE. It's been a challenging year, not full of much fun. Good riddance!

May the next year be a helluva lot brighter, fun and more endearing with new Seattle friendships.