Book review of "A Fearless Heart" (7/30/17)

I recently heard this book referenced by Jack Kornfield in an interview/training done by Psychotherapy Networker. Jack Kornfield was talking about how the main ingredient in psychotherapy is love/compassion. I got to pondering and reflecting on this more, thus I decided to read this book as well. Most of the things mentioned in the book I already knew due to my lifelong curiosity and love for the tenets of Buddhism as well as my interest in the increasingly popular theory on how self-compassion can positively transform one's life (specifically Kristin Neff's "Self-Compassion" I have recommended to many of my clients struggling with extreme self-judgment). This book was a refreshing and comforting reminder of why Buddhism has always been a nurturing comfort to me, especially when it comes to suffering personally and the collective suffering of humanity. I also liked how this book gave different exercises one can try to combine deep breathing with meditation.

My favorite thing about this book overall that I hope to be my new mantra (especially in this polarized society we're currently living in) is The Four Immeasurables Prayer:

May all beings attain happiness and its causes.
May all beings be free from suffering and its causes.
May all beings never be separated from joy that is free of misery.
May all beings abide in equanimity, free from bias of attachment and aversion.

Book review on "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" (9/4/17)

This book arrived in my life at just the right moment. Originally, I was a bit hesitant based on the title. I'm glad I didn't give in to judging a book by its cover because this book did not disappoint in the slightest. Once you keep laughing and get past all the blunt F bombs more so in the beginning (which only adds to its humor and charm), "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck worms its way into your psyche if you allow your heart and soul to go down the rabbit hole with Mark Manson.

It's part hero's journey, part helpful suggestions, and part (non-bullshitty type) self-help insights on life drawn from psychology, philosophy, and a mindful stance of "not giving a fuck" (ie, choosing what to give a fuck about and more so what NOT to give a fuck about in the overall scheme of things). It's nothing that I don't already know on some level, but it's his delivery and particularly the way he integrates it all that drew me in. This book is like a wake up call when you need a swift kick in the ass in your life.

I also strongly identified with his life changing event that he mentions towards the end of the book: how a close friend of his suddenly and unexpectedly died and how that then redefined him as "before" and "after." While it can profoundly transform a person, tragic events don't have to happen for us to alter our perceptions, the choices we make, and the way we live. It can happen right now. Mark Manson emphasizes that we all have choices and we will always have problems. A problem free life is boring, unavoidable, and leaves no room for growth. It's about choosing the good problems to have that will lead us on a journey of meaning and fulfillment, even in the midst of pain.

Halfway through the book, I was curious how other readers on Goodreads felt about this book. Not surprisingly, there were people that either loved or hated this book. If you're wanting a book that will make you feel good about your sense of self, your life choices, and let you know that you're an exceptional/special person....well, this isn't the book for you. And this is why I fucking loved it. Refreshing, honest, emotionally intelligent, thought-provoking, and real....this is something severely lacking in society these days. Everyone needs to read this book, especially in the United States of Entitlement. Perhaps the best book I've devoured in less than two days in years.

Read. This. Fucking Book. And if you don't, well....I just don't give a fuck. You're missing out.

Book therapy

This book literally moved me to tears on at least a few occasions. Having lost someone as close and dear to me as the author did, I could relate all too well to the magnitude of all encompassing seesaw of emotions and existential questioning that follows. I enjoyed reading how Sankovitch transformed her pain with the healing salve of her most reliable of "saviors:" books. I can wholeheartedly identify with the healing power of books, which has always been my most comforting of friends during not only the best times of my life but also during painful times, lonely times, and times of challenging transitions. Sankovitch takes readers on a one year journey, reading one whole book for each day of the year. As she reads, she also reflects and finds connection that leads her to a place of gratitude, joy, and a sense of purpose.

With that said, I highly recommend this book to everyone (especially bibliophiles) and leave you with the following quotes that really spoke to me:

"For years, books had offered to me a window into how other people deal with life, its sorrows and joys and monotonies and frustrations. I would look there again for empathy, guidance, fellowship, and experience. Books would give me all that, and more."

"The world shifts, and lives change. Without warning or reason, someone who was healthy becomes sick and dies. An onslaught of sorrow, regret, anger, and fear buries those of us left behind. Hopelessness and helplessness follow. But then the world shifts again--rolling on as it does--and with it, lives change again. A new day comes, offering all kinds of possibilities. Even with the experience of pain and sorrow set deep within me and never to be forgotten, I recognize the potent offerings of my unknown future. I live in a weird world, shifting and unpredictable, but also bountiful and surprising. There is joy in acknowledging that both the weirdness and the world roll on but even more, there is resilience."

"Words are witness to life: they record what has happened, and they make it all real. Words create the stories that become history and become unforgettable. Even fiction portrays truth: good fiction IS truth. Stories about our lives remembered bring us backward while allowing us to move forward."

"The only balm to sorrow is memory; the only salve for the pain of losing someone to death is acknowledging the life that existed before."

"The purpose of great literature is to reveal what is hidden and to illuminate what is in darkness."

"Sharing a love of books and of one particular book is a good thing. But is is also a tricky maneuver, for both sides. The giver of the book is not exactly ripping open her soul for a free look, but when she hands over the book with the comment that it is one of her favorites, such an admission is very close to the baring of the soul. We are what we love to read, and when we admit to loving a book, we admit that the book represents some aspect of ourselves truly, whether it is that we are suckers for romance or pining for adventure or secretly fascinated by crime."

"In reading about experiences both light and dark, I would find the wisdom to get through my own dark times."

"Maybe that is what love is: the taming of desire into something solid and sustainable."

"We all face mysteries--'Why did that have to happen?'--that we will never be able to understand. But we can, and we do, find order somewhere, whether it be in our books, our friends, our family, or our faith. Order is defined by how we live our lives. Order is created by how we respond to what life dishes out to us. Order is found in accepting that not all questions can be answered."

Get Your Gaggle On

I came across this book ("The Gaggle" by Jessica Massa) quite randomly and unexpectedly after reading an article about it on CNN last week. I'm not normally one to be drawn to typical dating/relationship advice self-help-y books....which is exactly why I loved this book so much. While most dating/how-to-find-love books (particularly those geared towards heterosexual women) harp on all the stereotypical "do's" and "don'ts" in order to snag 'the one,' "The Gaggle" turns the focus to one of self-discovery. Incredibly refreshing! It caters to those of us navigating through the confusing post-modern dating world who are looking for something different. After reading this book, I have more insight, optimism, and an overall more relaxed outlook on dating/relationships in the 21st century. I had an epiphany of sorts. Part of my problem had been my mindset. I was going about it all wrong....dating and/or pursuing a long-term relationship in very black and white terms. "The Gaggle" encourages women to explore those shades of grey with an open mind, awareness, and sense of adventure(aka, those various men in your life whom serve a very functional and/or meaningful role without you even realizing it...until you read what's in this book!). I have a great 'gaggle' of fun, intelligent, attractive, and caring men in my life. How can I not feel excited and grateful to have SEVERAL guys in my life that fulfill me in one or more ways?

Becoming a good writer

"The deeper you can listen, the better you can write....basically, if you want to become a good writer, you need to do three things. Read alot, listen well and deeply, and write alot. And don't think too much. Just enter the heat of words and sounds and colored sensations and keep your pen moving across the page." ---taken from "Writing Down the Bones," by Natalie Goldberg

1. Write alot Though I read "Writing Down the Bones" over 10 years ago, this really resonated with me and has stayed with me over the years whenever I find myself in that space to write and let it all hang out, if you will. Tonight I found myself skimming through copious blog entries I've written on here from 2007 up until now. After reading through them, I could see an interesting progression of how my writing has developed over the last 5 years. It's funny to think it all started with me writing entries on my old school Myspace page back in 2005. I wrote in a journal from my teens to my 20's, which was always private...for my eyes only. Then came the era of social networking sites....and from there I started writing for others to read. It was still for myself, but I had to get comfortable with the notion that writing well involved "nakedness" or "exposure." Letting go of a need to control what others would think or feel when they read my entries was the toughest thing to learn...still hard at times, especially since my writing reveals more about me than my daily interactions with people. It's the root, the core of me. Writing for the public domain involves risk and vulnerability. It's been a scary and amazing journey to go from journals and notebooks to social networking blog entries to my own personal blog page. I can only hope with exciting anticipation that my writing progresses even further in my lifetime.

As an aside....yesterday my friend Helen shared with me that she started a blog and really wanted my "honest opinion, since you are the guru of blogging." Guru? I was stunned, to say the least. I certainly don't see myself that way, though it was a nice compliment and even inspired me a bit. It's not the first time a friend has turned to me for guidance and feedback with their writing/blogging endeavors.....which I find funny since I don't think any of the handful of people who have turned to me for help actually read much of what I write. haha. Maybe it's just the time and effort I have put into this passion of mine that has them turning to me. Who knows! There's something about that though (seeing my friends start their own writing projects) that renews that old spark in me....feels really good.

2. Read alot My friend Josh asked his online friends the other day how many books they've read in their lifetime. The nerdy girl I am, I secretly wish I've kept track all these years. I'd be super curious to know the exact number, only because I bet it would blow my mind. Alas, I can only estimate. 3,000? Maybe that's too many? Not enough? It's gotta be at least 1,000. I then wondered how different I would have turned out if I didn't read at all. Think of all the people in this world who are illiterate. Think of how often we are forced to read in our everyday lives, and not for leisure...but just to live and complete daily tasks. Can you imagine how much harder life would be without reading? With that said, I've read ALOT....for leisure, for guidance, for curiosity, for entertainment. I'd even go so far as to say that reading has been a major influence on who I am today as a human being. Books get me through life. When in doubt, I turn to a book (or a writer) more easily and more frequently than I turn to people for help. Perhaps this is why others seek me out when they are in need of book recommendations too? Haha.

3. Listen well and deeply Well, this applies to me too.....though I wonder if maybe I'm listening to others too much (as a therapist and with friends or family) and have lost my way with listening well and deeply to myself....my own thoughts, feelings, ideas, creativity,etc. On that note, I've found it telling that I seem to be inspired to write more lately (even craving to do so) since I've been reading more, "unplugging" from technology (specifically social networking) more, and taking time to do things I most want to do because I'm not being distracted by mindless technological distractions. Perhaps it's time I go off the grid a bit. Maybe I can finally allow myself to write that book I always wanted to write, or maybe even come up with an entirely new idea for a book.....

Is atmosphere really everything?

Like a little kid in a candy shop, I always have a sweet craving....for books. The three tiny bookshelves in my modest studio apartment are comprised of both books devoured and those still unread.... some dusty and ignored, others that have been manhandled by too many to keep count. Sometimes I think the nerdy part of me is in desperate need of a vacation reserved just for reading and writing, no distractions to pull me away.

I remember my years in Chicago as a time I was reading and writing voraciously like never before. Don't get me wrong, I've always been a reader....in utero, if possible! I grew up around book lovers (my mother and her father/my grandfather) who instilled within me a desire to learn and question the world around me as my curious eyes danced across the pages of numerous novels. Eventually, that love of reading also spilled into writing. I have heard that if you want to be a fantastic writer, it is suggested that you experiment writing in different places....coffee shops, restaurants, at the beach, in the woods, the airport (think of all the stories you could concoct!), the laundromat, on vacation, on the road, and the list goes on. I tend to think the same may be true of reading in different places as well. I'm also a firm believer that to be a helluva writer, you must be a helluva reader (this means read ALOT).

I wonder if atmosphere really IS everything.....if the cliche' "variety is the spice of life" carries more weight than I have previously considered. People who have followed my writing over the years (from the beginnings of my MySpace blogs to the blogs I write on here, and the pieces I have written for a creative writing class) have definitely noticed a transition in my writing, in regard to content, quality, and frequency of writing.

When I first started writing blogs back in 2005, I had just finished grad school and was entering the daunting foray of addiction counseling. Perhaps it was the adrenaline rush of doing something unknown, challenging and scary...I don't know. Whatever the case, I was also still working part-time at a bookstore, a unique alternate universe in and of itself. I was constantly people watching....customers, coworkers, and clients alike. I soaked up books like the world was coming to an end; I couldn't finish one to start another fast enough. Frequently having unreliable and disengaged clients at work, I took advantage of the free quiet time and typed out blogs within the quiet confines of my purplish-blue walled boxy office. Sometimes the events that transpired within the walls compelled me to write as well. Most of my writing was done back in that office on Elston Avenue.I wrote several times a week, at times more than once a day.

I have yet to find that same voracious writer part of me here in Seattle. Perhaps it is hiding out and waiting for me at a wireless coffee shop, or hidden in a crevice of my apartment. It's surely not in the comforting, yet distracting office I share with six other therapists. If there's one thing I need in order to write, it's privacy and sometimes absolute stillness (depending on the topic I'm writing about). Then there's the aforementioned inspiration. Timing is also essential. I cannot be rushed when I write. Time has to stand still; it has to become irrelevant if I am to let the words flow out of my mind and onto the page (or keyboard). I think this is why I wasn't good at churning out writing pieces for the creative writing class I took recently. I got too caught up in the pressure of deadlines that it suffocated my creative flow.

With that said, I have to say "Yes." Atmosphere is everything, yet what it is to me is different than what it is to you. Atmosphere may be sipping a caramel macchiato and listening to shuffling songs on your iPod while simultaneously reading a compilation on how writers think and what inspires them to write, thus inspiring the reader to want to abruptly leave Barnes and Noble in order to rush home and write before the inspiration fades (that would be me today).

Atmosphere could also be a special place that you inhabit when alone or in the company of fascinating, colorful others. Atmosphere could also include mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual elements.It may be found in a conversation with a friend. It may be tangible and it may be unpredictable.

Atmosphere: the ultimate muse?

Enlightenment and classic literature

I consider myself lucky to have crossed paths with exceptionally intelligent people in my life, many of which have become my friends. Still, I have to wonder what it would be like to live in an exceptionally intelligent society. Sadly, it's almost unfathomable to me.

The other night while conversing with my mom and brother, somehow we got to talking about compliments. Mom was curious to know, "What would be the highest compliment someone could give you?" It took my brother and I a few moments to contemplate one all-encompassing word to describe who we are as individuals. Alex came up with 'genuine' (which I like) and for me it was 'enlightened.' It's not so much that I see myself as enlightened as far as an end result, but rather a process on the way to an enlightened state. This would be the highest compliment because it speaks to all aspects of who I am as an individual....in regard to knowing thyself, the world, and its inhabitants. Enlightened is a word that sums it up for me, with utmost humbleness.

I am reminded of a disappointed friend who recently shared that he wishes he had friends who liked to read/intellectual discourse more than just going to the bars for fun. I know only too well how he feels. Even though I have my share of smart friends, the ones I can have literary and philosophical conversations with are few in number.

Then there was some higher education article link my mom sent me a few weeks ago detailing the depressing commentary of aliterate people in this country, those who CAN read and choose not to do so. Or intellectual poseurs who have "impressive" books they have never opened, only displaying them on ornate bookshelves for aesthetic purposes. Being the bibliophile I am, hearing this thoroughly disgusts me. Mainly, I feel pity for others who haven't had the experience of reading a classic literature novel and all it can evoke.

For example, right now I'm reading Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy's "Resurrection." Each time I read a classic, it is as if I'm reading it for the first time. Each novel presents itself to me in a unique way. It challenges my intellect with the words it uses to describe details (not the "dumbing down" words we are consciously or unconsciously privy to in everyday mainstream society dialogue), words I may have forgotten I knew the meaning of or sometimes encouraging me to learn new ones. Through in depth character development, there is the opportunity to see through the psychological and emotional lens that can impact the characters to do what they do. These are significant aspects that cannot be found in a fluffy blockbuster film. I would even go so far as to say not even in a majority of contemporary fiction. It seems getting a book published in the 21st century has more to do with who you know and how much money you have than it has to do with real talent. Or how much a writer's work has the capacity to be both timeless and a worthy contribution to humanity (in what it has to teach, inspire one's imagination, or both).

Furthermore, classic literature is one of the few genres that is rich with layers of complexity. It examines the dynamics in relationships across the board (between friends, lovers, and family members) and how those patterns influence the outcome of events unraveling throughout the story.

Universal themes (love, power, forgiveness, guilt, religion/spirituality, romance, lust, the various forms of prejudice one may face, secrets, redemption, the list goes on and on) and moral implications.

"Resurrection" has me contemplating something I learned many years ago in a Sociology class (Intro to Criminology). I remember learning various theories that served as possible "explanations" for criminal behavior. I can't remember the name of the theory, but basically one in particular talked about lack of community resources being a motivation for individuals to go down a path of crime that they normally wouldn't under more 'supportive' circumstances. One of the main characters in the novel feels a sense of guilt that he led his one true love down a downward spiral of prostitution, theft, and murder. The way he responded to her years before, he feels, may have made the difference between her being a 'good' vs. 'sinful' woman. If he had the courage to love her and not repress his true feelings, her future (and his) could have taken a different path. In a way, he feels it was HE who did all those 'bad' things for which he must seek atonement. It made me think twice about how much responsibility we have to others. Perhaps it's the small part of compassionate 'idealist' in me that strongly resonates with social responsibility and looking out for other's welfare. Yes, we make our own choices and it's ultimately up to oneself to create our own reality.....yet, I feel both individual and social concerns are at stake.

See what I mean? The layers are endless with classic literature.

I hope one day I live in a society that places a priceless value on the humanities (creative arts and education) because as it stands, we aren't as 'human' as we could be.

"The unexamined life is not worth living."
---Socrates