You three with me

Relentless yet futile are my efforts, I hope you will one day see
The effect you men have on me when I go out of my way to be

....the parent, roles reversed
Will it always be this way?
Is awareness enough or am I truly cursed?
I yearn for the day
It doesn't feel rehearsed

....the friend, years pass and I still can't figure out
Why I care as much as I do
The scare only gave me more doubt
Made it quite clear to you
I'm your friend to the end...that's what I'm about
But what you feel for me I haven't a clue.

....the one for you, you're my ideal
Wish I could turn back time
If we'd met years before now, it could have been real
Friends and lovers, a passion sublime
Instead I feel shitty for wanting to steal
Your heart's not mine...feels like an emotional crime
But can I heal?

You three with me.

You three with me.

Therapist to therapy?

Every so often (increasingly so lately) I contemplate whether to seek a therapist and start my own process of psychotherapy, especially the more I talk to my my coworkers about it (one of which told me today that every therapist should/would greatly benefit from having their own therapy). The more questions that flood my mind, however, the longer it takes me to make a decision....

I've been in therapy, but not since I've actually become a therapist myself. I've often wondered what it would be like to be on the other side of proverbial couch/chair, wondered mainly if it would feel any different or better than my experiences as the client throughout my childhood and adolescence. I vaguely remember my mom taking me to see a counselor when I was between 8-10 years old. Looking back, I don't remember what I talked about with the counselor....but I do remember feeling comfortable and emotionally safe in the therapist's office.

I don't think I saw another psychotherapist again until I was in my late teens...a hypnotherapist actually. I think that was a one-time visit...hypnosis to help me work through a traumatic experience from my childhood that was still bothering me. I was skeptical at first, but it was quite powerful and helpful.

There was also family counseling in my teens and a few times in my early 20's, with my parents and stepparents. I absolutely loathed the family counseling sessions. I always felt more angry and frustrated after a family therapy session than I ever did before stepping into the therapist's office. I never felt heard or understood. I was the 'scapegoat.' It was like one big bitchfest, going around in circles arguing with no resolution.

I had my share of shitty therapy experiences (ie, family counseling) and yet instead of turning me off to therapy, it steered me in the direction (ie, MA degree in Marriage and Family Counseling) of wanting to help people with the very issue no one could help me (in an intelligent and compassionate way) during those years. I remember one time a therapist even subtly questioned my sexual orientation simply because I wasn't dating anyone. Really?!

I've always been one (from a very early age) to overanalyze, question everything, reflect, stretch myself to learn/grow and aim for self-awareness...to reach my full potential. Fortunately for my nerdy and curious personality, I've become my own therapist in some ways by reading things or pushing beyond my comfort zone with situations that are conducive to awareness....to change things about myself that are keeping me stuck. Most of the time this has been tremendously beneficial to me. With where I'm at in my life right now though, I wonder if I need more than that.

Not too long ago I asked one of my clients how she would know when she was done with therapy (ie, how would she know that she was better/reached her potential and thus not need therapy anymore). Her response? "When I no longer need to ask a question that I wouldn't ask a friend." There was something I found interesting and true about that response. I find myself contemplating this, yet on the other end....do I need therapy because I have questions that I can't ask (and get insights/solutions from about my problem) a friend? Maybe. Do I have a need to divulge some issues that are troubling me on a regular basis that I can't figure out how to change? Absolutely.

I have made positive changes in myself this year of which I'm proud and confident. A part of me wants to go even further with this possibility of therapy, yet another part of me is hesitant. What if no matter how much self-awareness I have and how much effort I put in to change my men/relationship/heartache challenges....and I'm still in the same boat (single and alone) as I am now?

My biggest concern is disappointment....disappointment that perseverance won't bring me any further to a better place than not trying.

Is it better to try therapy with the possibility of no positive tangible results? Or is it better to keep questioning things and doing the best you can with no help from anyone (ie, no therapist) other than your own self-improvement sensibilities?

Hmmm. Decisions, decisions (says the therapist to herself)....