Retrain the brain

The running theme for me this year: Re-train your brain. It's been challenging at times, but it has served me well and has reinforced my belief that the mind can facilitate a powerful process as well as  a powerful outcome with an adequate dose of self-discipline and curiosity.

The big one for me started just a few days before the new year of 2017. I had seen a friend post on social media here and there about this thing she was doing called Whole 30. The photos she would post of her meals looked delicious and healthy. I became curious to learn what this was all about, so with my Barnes and Noble gift cards in tow I scooped up "It Starts With Food" and a Whole 30 cookbook. I read the former within a few days time and impulsively made a decision to commit to 30 days of gluten-free, dairy-free, legume-free, corn-free, alcohol-free, and sugar-free (sans fruit) for 30 days in the month of January.

I mainly wanted to see if I could do it and if I would feel differently on a whole foods diet. It sounds silly, but it was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done. It required a self-discipline on a more challenging level as I had to constantly be aware of the foods I was picking and if I bought something that was already made I had to check the ingredient labels....and boy, was I surprised to see sugar in SO many products. No wonder we have an obesity crisis in the US. I had to learn to cook different foods. I had to get through some tough food cravings (including referring to my "relapse prevention"reminder list, especially every Friday...my "trigger" night of the week). Most importantly, I had to retrain my brain regarding my relationship with food.

And yes, I did make it the whole 30 days, plus the extra days of gradually reintroducing all the things I went without for that month. While I definitely don't want to eat this way as a lifestyle every day for every meal, I've incorporated it into healthier food habits and have continued to make Whole 30 meals more often than not since the beginning of this year. I also do something I never used to do before....I may eat something unhealthy, but only a little bit of it and then throw the rest away. Novel concept for this gal. I've retrained my brain to be mindful that I don't have to feel guilty about not finishing food and I also don't need to eat until I feel too full...only until I'm satiated. (Now if I could just retrain my brain to not crave chocolate so much...)

The other big conscious decision that I slowly eased into this year? Retraining my brain regarding my miserable anxiety laden relationship with my "smart" phone.I'm starting to think that calling our phones "smart" only makes us more dumb. Until the tech empire changes its mindset though, I need to change mine. Over the past year or two, Facebook and I have grown apart. Facebook became too self-absorbed, leaving me feeling incredibly disconnected. It started to feel like an abusive relationship in that the relationship isolates you from everyone else in your life and one day you wake up realizing you have no one else because you're so controlled by the relationship. Facebook was my abuser and I prepared myself to leave. Like so many victims of abuse, it took some time to figure out how I was going to leave, when I was going to leave, and uncertainty as to whether I would go back only to leave again. I would leave for a week or two here and there, but it's only been since September that I've been separated from Facebook this long: almost 2 months. 

It felt strange at first, but I feel like I'm getting the real me back. Every day I look around me and see so many people chained to their "smart" phone. I feel sad and angry when I see this as I wonder how much they are missing what is going on around them as well as within due to their technological addictions....beauty, real humans in front of them, their own minds. During my "detox" from my unhealthy relationship with Facebook and by extension my phone, my anxiety decreased dramatically and my ability to be in the moment increased substantially. I've been reading more books (if that's even insanely possible for me), thinking and reflecting more, and even starting to get my motivation and drive back for writing (something I haven't done in 3-4 years, except the occasional book review). 

If you want a more fulfilling and/or better quality of life, ask yourself what is most important and most helpful for creating a healthier, happier, more meaningful life for yourself. Then retrain your brain with some mental gymnastics and some gentle/mental stretching. I promise you it is worth the initial struggle. 

Book review on "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" (9/4/17)

This book arrived in my life at just the right moment. Originally, I was a bit hesitant based on the title. I'm glad I didn't give in to judging a book by its cover because this book did not disappoint in the slightest. Once you keep laughing and get past all the blunt F bombs more so in the beginning (which only adds to its humor and charm), "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck worms its way into your psyche if you allow your heart and soul to go down the rabbit hole with Mark Manson.

It's part hero's journey, part helpful suggestions, and part (non-bullshitty type) self-help insights on life drawn from psychology, philosophy, and a mindful stance of "not giving a fuck" (ie, choosing what to give a fuck about and more so what NOT to give a fuck about in the overall scheme of things). It's nothing that I don't already know on some level, but it's his delivery and particularly the way he integrates it all that drew me in. This book is like a wake up call when you need a swift kick in the ass in your life.

I also strongly identified with his life changing event that he mentions towards the end of the book: how a close friend of his suddenly and unexpectedly died and how that then redefined him as "before" and "after." While it can profoundly transform a person, tragic events don't have to happen for us to alter our perceptions, the choices we make, and the way we live. It can happen right now. Mark Manson emphasizes that we all have choices and we will always have problems. A problem free life is boring, unavoidable, and leaves no room for growth. It's about choosing the good problems to have that will lead us on a journey of meaning and fulfillment, even in the midst of pain.

Halfway through the book, I was curious how other readers on Goodreads felt about this book. Not surprisingly, there were people that either loved or hated this book. If you're wanting a book that will make you feel good about your sense of self, your life choices, and let you know that you're an exceptional/special person....well, this isn't the book for you. And this is why I fucking loved it. Refreshing, honest, emotionally intelligent, thought-provoking, and real....this is something severely lacking in society these days. Everyone needs to read this book, especially in the United States of Entitlement. Perhaps the best book I've devoured in less than two days in years.

Read. This. Fucking Book. And if you don't, well....I just don't give a fuck. You're missing out.

Get Your Gaggle On

I came across this book ("The Gaggle" by Jessica Massa) quite randomly and unexpectedly after reading an article about it on CNN last week. I'm not normally one to be drawn to typical dating/relationship advice self-help-y books....which is exactly why I loved this book so much. While most dating/how-to-find-love books (particularly those geared towards heterosexual women) harp on all the stereotypical "do's" and "don'ts" in order to snag 'the one,' "The Gaggle" turns the focus to one of self-discovery. Incredibly refreshing! It caters to those of us navigating through the confusing post-modern dating world who are looking for something different. After reading this book, I have more insight, optimism, and an overall more relaxed outlook on dating/relationships in the 21st century. I had an epiphany of sorts. Part of my problem had been my mindset. I was going about it all wrong....dating and/or pursuing a long-term relationship in very black and white terms. "The Gaggle" encourages women to explore those shades of grey with an open mind, awareness, and sense of adventure(aka, those various men in your life whom serve a very functional and/or meaningful role without you even realizing it...until you read what's in this book!). I have a great 'gaggle' of fun, intelligent, attractive, and caring men in my life. How can I not feel excited and grateful to have SEVERAL guys in my life that fulfill me in one or more ways?

Self-discovery

Do you partake in the art of self-discovery? I do....as much as possible and the more unpredictable/unexpected, the better I am for it. I think that if society encouraged individuals to pursue a life of positive self-discovery (versus reinforcing the current mentality of fear and narcissism) we would be living in a drastically different world. If we listen to everyone else but ourselves, we may easily freak out and shy away from the very things that could make us blossom on the inside and outside. Yet sadly, this is the norm. It's more the exception than the rule to hear or see someone letting go of control in favor of the risk of exploring the unknown with a curious spirit. I'd like to think I'm one of the exceptions. One of the best compliments I've received recently was from a close and dear friend reflecting back to me the positive value I place on my own self-discovery. As Gandhi has said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If I would like others to incorporate this into their lives, I must emulate it through my own experiences.

The key to self-discovery is being open and spontaneous to what that might look like. You may be surprised to find yourself learning and experiencing things you never saw yourself doing a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago, or pretty much ever! Within these unexpected experiences there is potential for growth, joy, and feeling fully in the present moment. It is impossible to ruminate on the past or dwell on the uncertainty of the future when all of your senses are engaged in what's going on right now. So take a class that sounds remotely intriguing or fun. Take a road trip or vacation to a place you've always wanted to go....by yourself! Take a risk of possibly making yourself look "stupid" or "crazy" by trying something you might fail or do terribly....because there's a greater chance you will lose your inhibitions, feel energized, and maybe even bring out a badass side of yourself you didn't even know existed.

Discard the usual suspects of fear, embarrassment, guilt, shame and procrastination. Push yourself out of a stagnant comfort zone and into the zone of self-discovery.

Therapist to therapy?

Every so often (increasingly so lately) I contemplate whether to seek a therapist and start my own process of psychotherapy, especially the more I talk to my my coworkers about it (one of which told me today that every therapist should/would greatly benefit from having their own therapy). The more questions that flood my mind, however, the longer it takes me to make a decision....

I've been in therapy, but not since I've actually become a therapist myself. I've often wondered what it would be like to be on the other side of proverbial couch/chair, wondered mainly if it would feel any different or better than my experiences as the client throughout my childhood and adolescence. I vaguely remember my mom taking me to see a counselor when I was between 8-10 years old. Looking back, I don't remember what I talked about with the counselor....but I do remember feeling comfortable and emotionally safe in the therapist's office.

I don't think I saw another psychotherapist again until I was in my late teens...a hypnotherapist actually. I think that was a one-time visit...hypnosis to help me work through a traumatic experience from my childhood that was still bothering me. I was skeptical at first, but it was quite powerful and helpful.

There was also family counseling in my teens and a few times in my early 20's, with my parents and stepparents. I absolutely loathed the family counseling sessions. I always felt more angry and frustrated after a family therapy session than I ever did before stepping into the therapist's office. I never felt heard or understood. I was the 'scapegoat.' It was like one big bitchfest, going around in circles arguing with no resolution.

I had my share of shitty therapy experiences (ie, family counseling) and yet instead of turning me off to therapy, it steered me in the direction (ie, MA degree in Marriage and Family Counseling) of wanting to help people with the very issue no one could help me (in an intelligent and compassionate way) during those years. I remember one time a therapist even subtly questioned my sexual orientation simply because I wasn't dating anyone. Really?!

I've always been one (from a very early age) to overanalyze, question everything, reflect, stretch myself to learn/grow and aim for self-awareness...to reach my full potential. Fortunately for my nerdy and curious personality, I've become my own therapist in some ways by reading things or pushing beyond my comfort zone with situations that are conducive to awareness....to change things about myself that are keeping me stuck. Most of the time this has been tremendously beneficial to me. With where I'm at in my life right now though, I wonder if I need more than that.

Not too long ago I asked one of my clients how she would know when she was done with therapy (ie, how would she know that she was better/reached her potential and thus not need therapy anymore). Her response? "When I no longer need to ask a question that I wouldn't ask a friend." There was something I found interesting and true about that response. I find myself contemplating this, yet on the other end....do I need therapy because I have questions that I can't ask (and get insights/solutions from about my problem) a friend? Maybe. Do I have a need to divulge some issues that are troubling me on a regular basis that I can't figure out how to change? Absolutely.

I have made positive changes in myself this year of which I'm proud and confident. A part of me wants to go even further with this possibility of therapy, yet another part of me is hesitant. What if no matter how much self-awareness I have and how much effort I put in to change my men/relationship/heartache challenges....and I'm still in the same boat (single and alone) as I am now?

My biggest concern is disappointment....disappointment that perseverance won't bring me any further to a better place than not trying.

Is it better to try therapy with the possibility of no positive tangible results? Or is it better to keep questioning things and doing the best you can with no help from anyone (ie, no therapist) other than your own self-improvement sensibilities?

Hmmm. Decisions, decisions (says the therapist to herself)....

The psychology of impressions

It is said that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. But don't you get a chance to make fluctuating impressions? I have been thinking about this today.

While first impressions can definitely hold considerable influence, how often does the image we present (a la 'the first impression') truly reflect who we are deep down? Think about the different kinds of impressions we can possibly make through our interactions with others in a given day: on a job interview, on a date, with family and friends, with colleagues, and with strangers in any number of social scenarios. That's a helluva lot of impressions (!), and I would venture to say that they will not all be the same.

It's not a good or bad thing, it just depends on the context of the situation. Perhaps it also depends on our body language/nonverbal communication (which, if you didn't know actually accounts for 75% of what we communicate to others!), as well as taking into account our comfort level, personality (introvert vs. extrovert), and personal psychological history (my PC way of saying our 'issues,' challenges, insecurities,etc...hahaha). Then there's the factor of whether one is genuine and open, or distrustful, superficial. Or whether the person you meet (and vice versa) reminds you of someone else you've known, for good or bad. It's no wonder we question how well we really know someone.

With so much mis-communication going on in the efforts to express ourselves and leave any kind of 'impression,' in retrospect we sometimes sabotage ourselves from demonstrating the best impressions. When this occurs, we attract what we didn't want or not attract what we truly DO want...especially in regard to important relationships. What impression, or vibe, are we giving off?

For me personally, there have been people I have met whom I liked right away without any logical reason to explain it. Maybe those were the individuals that gave off a likeable aura of genuineness, kindness, and confidence within themselves.

Then there are those who I have not liked at first because they seemed guarded, rude, uninterested,etc. Time will go by, and one day they show me a different side.....the impression has fluctuated, and it drives me with a deep curiosity to get to know them more to find out which impression is the most representative of the person.

I've also experienced people who are the most complex of all, for these interesting characters fall somewhere in the middle. For example, one guy I know was very kind and attentive when I first met him. A sincere and fairly open person, over time became flaky, aloof and like a chameleon. He can still be kind and is definitely a friendly, likeable person, but there's something I can't pinpoint about the impression he leaves on me. And it's not a good thing. On the other hand, I love it when I don't like someone at first and one day after talking with them about something on a deeper level (or at least one of a certain comfortability), I suddenly respect and like the person. It can be that instantaneous for me. Is that bizarre?! Is it just me that feels this way with people at times? Well, I have never claimed to be normal!

It would be cool if there was a way to discover all the different impressions we give out in various contexts, like an experiment or survey of some sort. It would be interesting to see if overall, impressions from various sources were consistent or contradictory. Once in awhile, someone will tell me the impression they have had of me and it usually just makes me laugh. I've gotten anything from 'shy' to 'distant/guarded,' 'approachable,' 'prissy,' 'sweet,' and 'demure with an edge' (yeah, I don't know about the prissy and demure with an edge ones....both were from people I worked with at one time, hmmm....). My favorite, by far, was from a client I had very briefly at my last counseling job, whom made a comment about me having the a face like "Shirley Temple" (good/angelic) and her belief that surely I had no skeletons in MY closet. HA!!

Surprisingly (or not surprisingly, based on my theory), none of the observed impressions are totally accurate. Sure, there may be some degree of truth in each impression, but not a strong indicator of me overall. I don't think it's because I'm trying to hide anything though; it has to do with context. Interestingly though, these days I find myself acting more or less the same in 90% of situations (the exception being my work environment with counseling and coworkers, as you might understandably imagine why). I wonder if it's due to yet another factor to take into consideration: age. With maturity and wisdom, comes ease. There is less of a tendency to feel self-conscious or to give a shit about how others perceive you. Not to say that you will act badly or in a hostile manner; you're just more liberated and self-aware of who you are as a person.

And what we think and feel about ourselves is the ultimate and only impression that truly matters.