Closeted free spirit

 Photo taken by me, Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest, August 2012.


It's funny how you think you know yourself well....but then one particular day, week, or month comes along to reveal something about yourself you had not noticed before. All this time you gravitated to and admired others that had this special presence about them, not even recognizing maybe the reason is because deep down....you are just like them.

Travelers. Independent thinkers. Unconventional lifestyles that go against the grain of the status quo. Intelligent. Quirky. Friendly and approachable. Walking contradiction. Incredibly curious. Spontaneous. Worldly in one way or another. Crave meaningful experiences and people, no matter how fleeting. Love learning. Open-minded. Dare to be different. Creative. Explorers. Seek adventure. Challenge themselves mentally and physically. Take risks. Usually fearless. Compassionate. Appreciate both the simplicities and complexities of life.

Go ahead. Admit it.

You're a closeted free spirit.

Therapist to therapy?

Every so often (increasingly so lately) I contemplate whether to seek a therapist and start my own process of psychotherapy, especially the more I talk to my my coworkers about it (one of which told me today that every therapist should/would greatly benefit from having their own therapy). The more questions that flood my mind, however, the longer it takes me to make a decision....

I've been in therapy, but not since I've actually become a therapist myself. I've often wondered what it would be like to be on the other side of proverbial couch/chair, wondered mainly if it would feel any different or better than my experiences as the client throughout my childhood and adolescence. I vaguely remember my mom taking me to see a counselor when I was between 8-10 years old. Looking back, I don't remember what I talked about with the counselor....but I do remember feeling comfortable and emotionally safe in the therapist's office.

I don't think I saw another psychotherapist again until I was in my late teens...a hypnotherapist actually. I think that was a one-time visit...hypnosis to help me work through a traumatic experience from my childhood that was still bothering me. I was skeptical at first, but it was quite powerful and helpful.

There was also family counseling in my teens and a few times in my early 20's, with my parents and stepparents. I absolutely loathed the family counseling sessions. I always felt more angry and frustrated after a family therapy session than I ever did before stepping into the therapist's office. I never felt heard or understood. I was the 'scapegoat.' It was like one big bitchfest, going around in circles arguing with no resolution.

I had my share of shitty therapy experiences (ie, family counseling) and yet instead of turning me off to therapy, it steered me in the direction (ie, MA degree in Marriage and Family Counseling) of wanting to help people with the very issue no one could help me (in an intelligent and compassionate way) during those years. I remember one time a therapist even subtly questioned my sexual orientation simply because I wasn't dating anyone. Really?!

I've always been one (from a very early age) to overanalyze, question everything, reflect, stretch myself to learn/grow and aim for self-awareness...to reach my full potential. Fortunately for my nerdy and curious personality, I've become my own therapist in some ways by reading things or pushing beyond my comfort zone with situations that are conducive to awareness....to change things about myself that are keeping me stuck. Most of the time this has been tremendously beneficial to me. With where I'm at in my life right now though, I wonder if I need more than that.

Not too long ago I asked one of my clients how she would know when she was done with therapy (ie, how would she know that she was better/reached her potential and thus not need therapy anymore). Her response? "When I no longer need to ask a question that I wouldn't ask a friend." There was something I found interesting and true about that response. I find myself contemplating this, yet on the other end....do I need therapy because I have questions that I can't ask (and get insights/solutions from about my problem) a friend? Maybe. Do I have a need to divulge some issues that are troubling me on a regular basis that I can't figure out how to change? Absolutely.

I have made positive changes in myself this year of which I'm proud and confident. A part of me wants to go even further with this possibility of therapy, yet another part of me is hesitant. What if no matter how much self-awareness I have and how much effort I put in to change my men/relationship/heartache challenges....and I'm still in the same boat (single and alone) as I am now?

My biggest concern is disappointment....disappointment that perseverance won't bring me any further to a better place than not trying.

Is it better to try therapy with the possibility of no positive tangible results? Or is it better to keep questioning things and doing the best you can with no help from anyone (ie, no therapist) other than your own self-improvement sensibilities?

Hmmm. Decisions, decisions (says the therapist to herself)....

Working with issues: my own and others

Last week, you may recall I mentioned that I would be posting a short paper I have to write for my Chemical Dependency and the Family class. I basically had to write one page about a distressing quality (aka, personal issue) about myself that could impact or interfere with working effectively with a chemically dependent family. It was difficult to write only one page, seeing as I'm so verbose and all....but here it is.....

Setting high standards for myself has typically worked out favorably for me, at least as far as reaching my goals. Growing up the daughter of a cop and a teacher, a love of learning and a strong work ethic were instilled within me at a young age. I always went the extra scholastic mile, and it showed. I graduated from undergraduate college with honors and went on to get my master's degree in counseling. While this worked well for me in academia, it was a whole different ballgame in the counseling arena of chemical dependency.

It wasn't until I started my first official counseling job working as a substance abuse counselor at a methadone maintainence clinic that I realized how much this quality about myself caused me distress. It also made me ineffective in my work with addicts. My perfectionistic, overachieving standards many times left me feeling like I was working harder than them. I was tired, stressed out, and miserable. I think it also made me less relateable as a person. If I couldn't go with the flow and make mistakes, how could they feel they could do the same in their recovery? I had to release my need for control. I also had to give up thinking that if I worked real hard to help a client, it automatically meant they would magically become sober and make positive changes. If only it were that easy for addicts!

Interestingly, I noticed my work became more effective as I worked on modifying this quality within myself. Sessions with clients became more relaxed, sometimes taking on a life its own. What started off as a distressing quality in the past has morphed into something valuable in the present. Working with a chemically dependent population has impacted my ability to be more patient (with both myself and the client) and more effectively meet clients 'where they're at.'