The Standout

Compared to the general population, I've had few lovers throughout my life (though I suppose that depends on how one defines "lover," "sex," etc)...even fewer that were really passionate about me and satisfied me to the core (ie, mentally, emotionally, and physically). In fact, my experience has primarily been the opposite....selfish lovers with whom I went out of my way to satisfy, giving generously until I could give no more and often with little to no reciprocation. They weren't terrible men, just not emotionally intelligent men in the bedroom.

As I entered my 30's, I have yearned for something more....a man who can demonstrate as much sensual passion and generosity with me as I can with him.

It wasn't until I had a kiss with a stranger one spontaneous night out on the town in Chicago about four years ago that something was awakened within me...a spark of what I had been missing out on in my teens and twenties. I felt a strong chemistry and undeniable passion that night; it defied explanation (at least to me). A few months ago I kissed a guy I knew fairly well; I felt the exact same feeling (possibly even stronger than with the stranger). Sadly, both experiences only resulted in kissing (ie, no sex). Sometimes when I'm yearning for a lover in my life I think about those two nights, about the 'what if I could have been with that guy just once?' What if it had not stopped with the passionate kissing? If just kissing was that amazing, how much more could I have felt if sex entered the picture? Would it have felt like the cliches found in romance novels or erotic literature?

Fantasies are usually better than the reality...what it would be like to kiss or have sex with a particular person. I'm not sure what's better or worse though....to have a sexual attraction to someone, only to be disappointed when that sensual chemistry isn't ignited (I've experienced this on more than a few occasions)....or to have an attraction to someone that has built up strongly over time and then only get an amazing kiss that leaves one wanting more, a mere tease.

The loss of a desirable fantasy to a disappointing reality or the loss of real erotic potential that will never come to fruition? Which is harder to accept? What if we only get one or two opportunities for 'standout lovers' in our lifetimes? And what if they got used up only on kisses and not the whole sexual nine yards?

Are standout lovers only meant to be savored in fleeting moments? If and when they are found, can they "stand" the test of time?

Try harder? Try less?

One of the trickiest things about developing and sustaining solid, positive relationships with others is that it requires a meeting of minds....to meet halfway, to be on the same page....while at the same time juggling having absolutely no expectations of the other person. This appears to be one of the biggest contradictions (in my observation) of relationships in the 21st century.

How does one know when to try harder at developing new friendships or putting oneself out there several times over in the dating world? How do you know when you're trying too hard to make something happen vs. becoming complacent/expecting opportunities to just fall in your lap? What does that middle ground look like? Has this process of seeking, finding, and maintaining fulfilling connections with others in our lives become nothing more than a pipe dream or virtual crapshoot? How is it that as I'm getting "better" (at improving myself as a person), encouraging opportunities become fewer with outcomes less successful? Why do I feel more comfortable in my own skin, yet increasingly lonelier as I go from one disappointment after another and another?

It's so hard to know what to do about these things. I wish human beings could be more simple creatures sometimes, or at least more thoughtful and compassionate with one another. It would feel a whole lot less lonely out there in the world.