Get Your Gaggle On

I came across this book ("The Gaggle" by Jessica Massa) quite randomly and unexpectedly after reading an article about it on CNN last week. I'm not normally one to be drawn to typical dating/relationship advice self-help-y books....which is exactly why I loved this book so much. While most dating/how-to-find-love books (particularly those geared towards heterosexual women) harp on all the stereotypical "do's" and "don'ts" in order to snag 'the one,' "The Gaggle" turns the focus to one of self-discovery. Incredibly refreshing! It caters to those of us navigating through the confusing post-modern dating world who are looking for something different. After reading this book, I have more insight, optimism, and an overall more relaxed outlook on dating/relationships in the 21st century. I had an epiphany of sorts. Part of my problem had been my mindset. I was going about it all wrong....dating and/or pursuing a long-term relationship in very black and white terms. "The Gaggle" encourages women to explore those shades of grey with an open mind, awareness, and sense of adventure(aka, those various men in your life whom serve a very functional and/or meaningful role without you even realizing it...until you read what's in this book!). I have a great 'gaggle' of fun, intelligent, attractive, and caring men in my life. How can I not feel excited and grateful to have SEVERAL guys in my life that fulfill me in one or more ways?

The Standout

Compared to the general population, I've had few lovers throughout my life (though I suppose that depends on how one defines "lover," "sex," etc)...even fewer that were really passionate about me and satisfied me to the core (ie, mentally, emotionally, and physically). In fact, my experience has primarily been the opposite....selfish lovers with whom I went out of my way to satisfy, giving generously until I could give no more and often with little to no reciprocation. They weren't terrible men, just not emotionally intelligent men in the bedroom.

As I entered my 30's, I have yearned for something more....a man who can demonstrate as much sensual passion and generosity with me as I can with him.

It wasn't until I had a kiss with a stranger one spontaneous night out on the town in Chicago about four years ago that something was awakened within me...a spark of what I had been missing out on in my teens and twenties. I felt a strong chemistry and undeniable passion that night; it defied explanation (at least to me). A few months ago I kissed a guy I knew fairly well; I felt the exact same feeling (possibly even stronger than with the stranger). Sadly, both experiences only resulted in kissing (ie, no sex). Sometimes when I'm yearning for a lover in my life I think about those two nights, about the 'what if I could have been with that guy just once?' What if it had not stopped with the passionate kissing? If just kissing was that amazing, how much more could I have felt if sex entered the picture? Would it have felt like the cliches found in romance novels or erotic literature?

Fantasies are usually better than the reality...what it would be like to kiss or have sex with a particular person. I'm not sure what's better or worse though....to have a sexual attraction to someone, only to be disappointed when that sensual chemistry isn't ignited (I've experienced this on more than a few occasions)....or to have an attraction to someone that has built up strongly over time and then only get an amazing kiss that leaves one wanting more, a mere tease.

The loss of a desirable fantasy to a disappointing reality or the loss of real erotic potential that will never come to fruition? Which is harder to accept? What if we only get one or two opportunities for 'standout lovers' in our lifetimes? And what if they got used up only on kisses and not the whole sexual nine yards?

Are standout lovers only meant to be savored in fleeting moments? If and when they are found, can they "stand" the test of time?

What really dictates our attractions?

Not sure why this occurred to me, but while I was out for a run in my neighborhood earlier I realized my friend Scott is currently one of the few close male (heterosexual) friends that I have not had any kind of sexual dynamic with throughout the course of our 4-5 years of friendship (at the same time, I'm also not a promiscuous woman by any means)....which then had me pondering if this is normal for friendships in the 21st century (ie, sex becoming a dynamic at some point in a friendship between two heterosexual or even two gay friends) OR if this is more the exception.

And I'm not talking about friends with benefits where there's a mutual agreement to engage in casual sex just for the aspect of physical pleasure. That's a whole other topic of discussion. What I'm talking about is specifically in regard to the context of the relationship you have with a friend.

What's funny for me is that male friends I have formed a sexual relationship with (and/or that have turned into a romantic relationship if even for a brief time) have more often than not been guys I didn't initially even desire or think about sexually. But the more I got to know these guys, something would shift or spark an attraction for me.

I remember about a month ago my coworker Sarah was telling my colleagues and I something she read or heard about (I can't remember her source, or if she even knew where she heard this)...a psychological/sociological theory or study that shows we have a tendency to become attracted to individuals simply by seeing or being around them all the time.

So how much of our attraction to a person is based on closeness (ie, being in the same physical environment...or "mental" environment like social networking, chat rooms,etc on a regular basis) vs. physical appearance? Or familiarity (ie, how intimately we know facets of their inner self) vs. someone you don't have much overall contact (physically, mentally, or emotionally)?

And if this is the case, perhaps we are less inclined to be superficial than we may believe we are when it comes to connecting with each other on a very human level...