Along the axis of Time

If time was relative to a particular person, place, or situation.....would we go about our lives any differently? Would we feel more free to do as we please or more anxiety if the concept of "future" did not exist in our minds? Would our relationships be more meaningful or would we feel hopeless that anything could change without the passage of time? Would our mental health be better with no memory of painful events from our past? What if time wasn't constant but broken up into episodes with the ability to hit 'pause' buttons in between? What if there was nothing to 'measure' time? Would we be more productive? Would we be more creative and carefree....or lazy with no goals, nothing to show for? Would we experience beauty more vividly and more appreciation if time was a quality and not a quantity?

Such questions are asked by Alan Lightman in "Einstein's Dreams," an incredibly beautiful poetic novel that curiously and creatively explores the precious value of 'time' in our lives. A good friend of mine suggested this book to me years ago and I finally got around to reading it. I'm glad I did as it is by far the best fiction novel I've ever read. It touched me deeply on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. It's resonated with me on such a visceral level that I'm having a difficult time articulating it into words.

Coincidentally enough, I started reading the book as 'time' became more present on my mind and in my life....though more from a negative standpoint. I've been feeling annoyed and pissed off at Time these last few months, particularly when it comes to time zones (don't even get me started on how challenging it is to coordinate talking on the phone with family and friends because of this pesky concept) and that feeling of constantly being busy yet not having enough Time to do all that I would like to do....or Time to 'just be.' Or the yearning to hit the 'rewind' button and relive those past episodes with the knowledge (from the future) that I will not see a particular person in a year's time because he will have died by then, thus savoring every moment with him. This excerpt from "Einstein's Dreams" resonates so true:  "In a world without future, each parting of friends is a death. In a world without future, each loneliness is final. In a world without future, each laugh is the last laugh. In a world without future, beyond the present lies nothingness, and people cling to the present as if hanging from a cliff."

I cannot recommend this book enough. I'd even go so far as to say it should be required reading. The world might be a little brighter and joyful if people took these concepts to heart and somehow integrated it into living a meaningful and purposeful life....

Here's a teaser of my favorite excerpts:

"In a world where time is a sense, like sight or like taste, a sequence of episodes may be quick or may be slow, dim or intense, salty or sweet, causal or without cause, orderly or random, depending on the prior history of the viewer." 

"Suppose that time is not a quantity but a quality, like the luminescence of the night above the trees just when a rising moon has touched the treeline. Time exists, but it cannot be measured."

"In a world where time cannot be measured, there are no clocks, no calendars, no definite appointments. Events are triggered by other events, not by time."

"In a world where time is a quality, events are recorded by the color of the sky, the tone of the boatman's call on the Aare, the feeling or happiness or fear when a person comes into a room. The birth of a baby, the patent of an invention, the meeting of two people are not fixed points in time, held down by hours and minutes. Instead, events glide through the space of imagination, materialized by a look, a desire. Likewise, the time between two events is long or short, depending on the background of contrasting events, the intensity of illumination, the degree of light and shadow, the view of the participants."

"In this world, time is a visible dimension. Just as one may looks off in the distance and see houses, trees, mountain peaks that are landmarks in space, so one may look out in another direction and see births, marriages, deaths that are signposts in time, stretching off dimly in the far future. And just as one may choose whether to stay in one place or run to another, so one may choose his motion along the axis of time. Some people fear traveling far from a comfortable moment. They remain close to one temporal location, barely crawling past a familiar occasion. Others gallop recklessly into the future, without preparation for the rapid sequence of passing events."

What have you done/what are you doing/what would you like to do with this powerful and beautiful Time?

Melting ice in Annawadi

Pulitzer Prize winner Katherine Boo eloquently and brilliantly captures what is truly a heartbreaking level of abject poverty in a slum of Mumbai (Annawadi), India in "Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death, and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity." Boo weaves intimately detailed narratives of a handful of the residents, respectfully revealing the gritty nuances of their day to day existence. Tragic tales juxtaposed against tremendous resiliency and ability to adapt to destructive forces (particularly in regard to inescapable political corruption).

I finished reading this book several hours ago and I'm still struggling with articulating the words to describe my thoughts and feelings about it, nearly speechless. Ever heard human emotions can be narrowed down to seven basic emotions? This is a rare book that will likely trigger all seven for you as it did me: fear, sadness, anger, joy, surprise, disgust, and contempt.

I give this book five stars (and in my estimation, hands down the best work of narrative non-fiction of 2012 thus far!) based on the following factors: 1. Well-written, both in content and with an excellent balance of objectivity as well as articulating the complexities with a humanistic touch. 2. It's a human interest piece that educates without exploitation or self-righteousness. 3.Truthful accounts validated by reliable sources via the documented experiences of residents with notes, video recordings, audiotapes, and photographs. 4.It challenges one's notions on diverse subjects of morality, politics (corruption at its worst), freedom, and loyalty to community vs. individualism/being true to oneself. 5. Despite the tragic subject matter of the book, Katherine Boo subtly reflects the luminous power of the human spirit to live in survival mode and yet experience beauty, hope, and love amidst the worst imaginable living conditions.

"Behind the Beautiful Forevers" reads so much like a work of fiction, I kept having to remind myself "These are REAL people and these disturbing things REALLY did happen...are still happening." I had immense empathy for the "characters" Katherine Boo chronicles. I wanted to reach through the pages and pull them out, take a stand on their behalf...or at the very least, take a stand against injustice with them....to a more safe and peaceful, joyful place.

If you think you have it bad in life, read this book for a brutal awakening that life could be much, much worse. One such example: It's common in the slums to have "jobs" as garbage scavengers, which comes with dangers you can hardly imagine. The most disturbing sentence in the novel: ‎"Where skin broke, maggots got in. Lice colonized hair, gangrene inched up fingers, calves swelled into tree trunks, and Abdul and his younger brothers kept a running wager about which of the scavengers would be the next to die."

A few other powerful quotes which particularly stood out to me:

"Becoming a success in the great, rigged market of the overcity required less effort and intelligence than getting by, day to day, in the slums. The crucial things were luck and the ability to sustain two convictions: that what you were doing wasn't all that wrong, in the scheme of things, and that you weren't all that likely to get caught."

"What was unfolding in Mumbai was unfolding elsewhere, too. In the age of global market capitalism, hopes and grievances were narrowly conceived, which blunted a sense of common predicament. Poor people didn't unite; they competed ferociously amongst themselves for gains as slender as they were provisional. And this undercity strife created only the faintest ripple in the fabric of the society at large. The gates of the rich, occasionally rattled, remained unbreached. The politicians held forth on the middle class. The poor took down one another, and the world's great, unequal cities soldiered on in relative peace." 

Open your mind. Open your heart. Open this book.

Going my own Way

(Photo taken by me, near the Arboretum, Sept. 2011)

For my senior year high school English class, students were required to pick a novel of their choice and then write an analysis paper about it. While I can't recall the various book selections we were given as examples to choose from, I do remember thinking that I did not want to choose a book that everyone else would pick or one that I knew too much about....though if you asked me at the time, I doubt I'd be able to articulate why. As I scanned the page, few options stood out in my mind. Or rather one in particular. My eyes curiously wandered to Herman Hesse's "Siddhartha." "What is this about?" I thought. And so began my discovery of Buddhism and more so, the beginning of my own self-discovery.

I suppose I had started going my own way prior to reading "Siddhartha" senior year, though it wasn't until that moment that it was brought to my awareness that my path in life has always been different than 'everyone else.' And for the first time I realized this was a good thing. It comforted me, inspired me, and pushed me forward. Suddenly being different and apart from the crowd was a strength, a sign of growth and the embodiment of genuine enlightenment.Western religion has never done that for me. Ever.

When times get tough and the road feels lonely, I find myself going back to Eastern philosophy time and again. Buddhism. The Tao Te Ching. The works of the spiritual mystic Osho. The wisdom, compassion, and non-judgmental encouragement of finding one's own way pours into me and through me. The paradox is actually quite hilarious when I think about it, at least for me. So many fearful people blindly following a religious path that really isn't their own, just words of everyone else because...it's easier?! But it's not. The same individuals are fearful of having their own unique perceptions and feelings, especially what choices to make with them. The last thing they want to do is think about them, yet going your own Way is the first step on the path to understanding, freedom, and growth.

Recently, a friend of mine kindly and unexpectedly mailed a book to me. "Path of Compassion: Stories from the Buddha's Life." I'm slowly savoring each chapter like a child comforted by nightly bedtime stories. I feel both alone and not alone reading the courageous journey of Siddhartha, boldly embracing the judgments of loved ones and strangers alike. Most of all, I'm comforted and inspired by his letting go of external pressures of what they want him to say or do (ie, their own agenda) in favor of going his own way...not only for himself, but also for the greater good.

And with this, I am reminded (again) to continue...going my own way.

Paradox of personal freedoms

When I Google the word "freedom," this is what I come across:

1. personal liberty, as from slavery, bondage, serfdom, etc.

2. liberation or deliverance, as from confinement or bondage

3. (Government, Politics & Diplomacy) the quality or state of being free, esp to enjoy political and civil liberties

4. the state of being without something unpleasant or bad; exemption or immunity freedom from taxation

5. the right or privilege of unrestricted use or access the freedom of a city

6. autonomy, self-government, or independence

7. the power or liberty to order one's own actions

8. the quality, esp of the will or the individual, of not being totally constrained; able to choose between alternative actions in identical circumstances

9. ease or frankness of manner

10. excessive familiarity of manner; boldness

11. ease and grace, as of movement; lack of effort

Too bad applying one of these straightforward definitions to an individual's life and what it means to have 'freedom' isn't quite so simplistic. Especially when one freedom chosen is at the expense of another freedom that must be sacrificed or given up.

When juxtaposed one against the other, when it's impossible to have both at the same time....how does one choose which kind of freedom is the most meaningful, the one that will reap the most happiness and reward? Would you rather give up your personal independence (#6 and #7 above) so that you have liberation from an extremist oppressive culture? (#2-5)? Or would you rather be completely honest, yet confined to a place where you likely will not grow to your full potential? Would you rather follow your instincts or would you rather be obedient?

What if you had to lie to the government for the cost of your freedom? Would it matter if it was a decision that would only affect your life for a few years versus the rest of your life? Imagine that your quality of life in most aspects would be better in country A than country B.

If absolute freedom doesn't exist, what kind of freedom would you ultimately choose and why? Have you ever had to make such a choice? And furthermore, is lying sometimes necessary and justified in order to fight for one of these freedoms?

The living moment

(Photo taken by me, July 2011)

Most of us tend to wake up every day and expect things to be the same they were yesterday, whether that be positive or negative. We live with a false sense of security or mindlessness of wash, rinse, and repeat, going through the motions of day to day living (our comfort zone perhaps?). It can be easy to lose sight of meaning, purpose, and/or gratitude when we're on the proverbial auto-pilot.

But what if tomorrow you woke up with a sense of true wonder instead, not knowing what the day has in store for you? Would you be more grateful for the people in your life and the beauty around you? Would you be more compassionate? More forgiving? More happy? Would you let the little things go? I know I would.

Every moment presents a unique opportunity for mindfulness, peace, and completeness. Yesterday and today have been particularly enriching reminders to me of living in the moment.

I live in a beautiful city, the most beautiful place I've lived thus far...Seattle. Now most mornings I begrudgingly head out to work dreading the rush hour gridlock on I-5. Yesterday morning, however, I couldn't take my eyes off the rays of sun pushing their way through the clouds off in the distant horizon of Bellevue to my left. It's a wonder I didn't get in an accident with how hypnotized I was by the tranquil morning sunrise in my midst. This morning was no exception, as I took in the beauty of mountains as a backdrop to the glow of the sun. How did I get so lucky to see something so gorgeous to start my day, right before my very eyes? Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, tonight I was walking to my car as the sun was setting and I was blown away by a virtual painting in the sky, brushstrokes of cloud lines dappled with patches of pink and purple. A camera could do it no justice.

My mindfulness also extends to relationships....being reminded of how quick things can change with people in our lives, in my own relationships as well as what others tell me of their relationships with partners, family, friends, colleagues...and in my profession, even clients we help. Today a friend of mine shared with me that one of his colleagues that is a year younger than him was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer....and one of my colleagues today found out suddenly that a client died. Funny enough, a movie I watched tonight also reminded me of this same theme. In "The High Cost of Living" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t1Vc6PfcMs), drug dealer Henry is living a mindless haphazard existence...until suddenly (!) he accidentally hits a pregnant woman with his car one night. I won't say anything more about the movie because it's astounding; you must see for yourself. It couldn't be a more apropos movie to represent what has become a helpful reminder to me not to take the simple (ie, beauty of a sunrise or sunset) nor the complex (ie, people in our lives) for granted.

Suddenly. Suddenly. Suddenly. It can change so fast. We don't expect to get tragic news, nor do we usually expect that the last time we see someone may very well be the last time. Granted, if we took this to the extreme in our lives it may make for a very morbid and paranoid outlook....but taken with a healthy sense of mindfulness and compassion, it can give us the opportunity to live more deeply (and paradoxically, more lightly) and love more fully.

"The living moment is everything." ~D.H. Lawrence

Try harder? Try less?

One of the trickiest things about developing and sustaining solid, positive relationships with others is that it requires a meeting of minds....to meet halfway, to be on the same page....while at the same time juggling having absolutely no expectations of the other person. This appears to be one of the biggest contradictions (in my observation) of relationships in the 21st century.

How does one know when to try harder at developing new friendships or putting oneself out there several times over in the dating world? How do you know when you're trying too hard to make something happen vs. becoming complacent/expecting opportunities to just fall in your lap? What does that middle ground look like? Has this process of seeking, finding, and maintaining fulfilling connections with others in our lives become nothing more than a pipe dream or virtual crapshoot? How is it that as I'm getting "better" (at improving myself as a person), encouraging opportunities become fewer with outcomes less successful? Why do I feel more comfortable in my own skin, yet increasingly lonelier as I go from one disappointment after another and another?

It's so hard to know what to do about these things. I wish human beings could be more simple creatures sometimes, or at least more thoughtful and compassionate with one another. It would feel a whole lot less lonely out there in the world.

Why?

Why is it that when you stop caring what people think, they suddenly respect you or are somewhat drawn to you more than before? Does confidence hold that much power?

Why is it that you can be consistently kind and generous in character towards others, yet be ignored and unappreciated....until one day suddenly these individuals reciprocate with kindness, generosity, and appreciation? You have been the same all along, but perhaps they have changed?

Why do we choose to share what we share with others (about ourselves)? Is there a fine line between telling people too much and not enough? How much of our lives do we compartmentalize to make ourselves look good according to the relationship we have with a particular person (ie, friend, family member, colleague, lover, spouse)? What if how well someone knows us is dictated more by how much interest others show in wanting to really know us on an intimate vs. superficial level?

Why is it that most of the people who say they "love" us barely know the things about us that really matter?

Why do we play into dysfunctional patterns with family members if we know it's dysfunctional? Is it because we would rather deal with the dysfunction than risk the possibility of conflict and not being liked? Or is it because we would rather hold onto idealistic hopes than to see the harsh, honest reality?

Why do we continue to have expectations of others for which not much can be expected?

Why is it that those who admire us most are the ones we usually admire the least?

Why can't people talk significantly less and listen significantly more?

Honest to --------> Truth

I had an epiphany, while taking a shower of all things. I was reflecting on different things that have been happening in my life lately. Yet again, the message has come through in the form of clothes. Sort of like the cliche' "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt"....except for me, it's more like "Got the t-shirt while I'm on my way to getting there and doing that."

Last year, it was my uncle's "Follow Your Bliss" sweatshirt that led me to contemplate how the philosophical statement pertained to my life. A little over a year later, I find myself frequently brought back to this year's personal message for me written on a $3 t-shirt I bought at the BBW: "Honest." There were three different t-shirts with three different words written on them, yet I was drawn to 'honest.' Now, it's beginning to make sense to me.....

When I was pondering this idea while taking my shower earlier, I thought about 'honest' and 'truth.' At first, I considered them to be synonymous terms, words one could use interchangeably for all contexts. When I thought about experiences I have had this past week though, I changed my mind about it.

For the most part, I feel I'm a pretty honest person. I consciously live my life with the intention of doing the right thing, treating others as I wanted to be treated, and being honest with myself (this is where 'honest' comes in). When I thought about truth, however, I couldn't help but wonder how deeply I live with 'truth.'

Curious, I looked up the definitions of both 'honest' and 'truth' on Google. Sure enough, Wikipedia defines 'truth' with how I was beginning to define it for myself: "The meaning of the word truth extends from honesty, good faith, and sincerity in general, to agreement with fact or reality in particular."

So, here's where the epiphany comes in. If truth is merely an extension of honesty, why can't I live with truth or more importantly, I suppose I should rephrase that by saying: why haven't I lived with a deeper level of truth all this time? I know, pretty deep thoughts for a Friday afternoon in June!

But seriously, I think I'm currently getting more and more to that place of embodying truth. This is especially the case with relationships: as related to work, friendships, and scarier still....maybe even those of the romantic variety.

Just when I have gotten to a point where I feel like I have great relationships with people in my life, I'm surprised to discover them becoming even richer in the depth of 'truth.' I don't know what has kept me from this deeper level of truth before, maybe fear of the unknown, the vulnerability that comes with intimacy, or the anxiety of how uncomfortable 'truth' can be because it involves risk on one or both individuals in the relationship.

Being one to face and tackle my irrational fears head on though, I find myself both excited and nervous about this new process of change within my relationships. Yet, I'm finding it has been a wonderful thing so far.

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about to demonstrate what I mean in a less cerebral way.....

At my part-time job, even though it's not the place I want to be and it's not something I'm passionate about, I have done my best to do not only the right thing, but also with honesty.....and yes, truth. It's been interesting to watch it unfold in a few different ways:

One woman I work with (an assistant manager) was initially driving me crazy with the way she tended to hover around me, trying to micromanage me and not give me the space and freedom to trust that I could handle situations on my own. At first, I wasn't going to say anything, but after the other assistant manager prodded me to divulge more, I thought, "What do I have to lose?" Not one to stir the pot in regard to interpersonal relationships, I told her where I was coming from with diplomatic honesty and sincerity. I wasn't sure if I would regret it later or that this person would betray my trust in telling her, but I just let it go. It was out there, so whatever. Then, the next time I worked with the challenging woman.....her demeanor shifted around me. I don't know if my confidante told this woman; it didn't matter to me because being honest worked in my favor. I no longer felt annoyed with the woman; she has been laidback around me since!

A few other work related examples of honesty leading to truth includes partially how I landed my new full-time job a few days ago....

To make a long story short, part of the conversation I had with the program manager involved her telling me how much the staff liked me at my second interview and in turn, I told her how much I like her, the staff, the place/environment and how out of all the interviews I have been on, their agency was the only one I truly liked and really wanted to work. By others, this could be seen as saying what the person wants to hear and maybe not the most professional thing to say to someone who perhaps one should be more formal with in such a situation.....but I had to say it because that's how I 'honestly' felt.

At the same time, I felt a little guilty about having to quit my part-time job without giving the proper 2 week notice. I could have just quit on the spot and the idea did appeal to me. But it's not who I am. I want to embody both 'honest' and 'truth,' which isn't always easy to do. Still, I decided to compromise and work a few more weekends at the part-time job because it's the right thing to do.

I remember when I was younger, I couldn't stand hypocrisy. I still don't, but most especially when I was a teenager. I told myself that if it is up to me, I will live my life 'walking my talk,' only telling others things what I myself can/have done (aka, 'truth') to the best of my ability.

Even more difficult than living my truth at work, is living 'truth' in my relationships. But I think I'm slowly getting there. One thing I have really enjoyed about being 30 thus far? I have been even MORE confidently honest with myself, especially in regard to the role (or responsibility) I play in the choices I have made/continue to make, the patterns I have created that have kept me stagnant somehow, and recognizing what I need to do to change for the better.

There are many examples I have noticed of 'truth' in my relationships lately, but this one stands out to me the most. The other day I was surprised when a friend of mine revealed to me that she was upset with me because she felt I had not been a very supportive friend to her at a time when she needed it most. Initially, I was taken aback and hurt by her words. Instead of becoming defensive or beating myself up about it though, I really listened to what she had to say and was glad she told me (even if it wasn't pleasant). I told her I have always prided myself on being a great friend to those very close and dear to me, so I felt especially bad that I had let her down and apologized. There were no hard feelings, simply an 'honest' conversation between friends.

I was uncomfortable with it at first, but my love for our friendship was even stronger and I think it deepened the value and 'truth' of our friendship all that much more now. I realized that is what I want most out of ALL my significant relationships, the ones that inspire deeper connection and intimacy. It can be scary, sure. It can also provide an emotional depth I never could have fathomed before this point of my life, a journey of 'truth.'

What does 'truth' in my relationships look like?

It's a reciprocal balance of emotional and mental maturity between two people and being able to recognize those 'truth'-ful relationships I have with overwhelming gratitude. It's about consciously exploring those particular relationships on a deeper level and steering away from the ones that aren't there now and/or accepting the ones that may never be....honestly, an incredibly hard thing for me to work on (letting go of the ones lacking this, especially romantically speaking), but....

It's the truth, my truth. And it's absolutely liberating. :)