Ski lifts, stab wounds, and a new boyfriend?

How can dreams (and/or nightmares) have so much influence on our mood when we wake up, assuming we remember them? Ok, maybe not you...but this is certainly the case for me. Maybe because I'm such a visual and emotional person? I don't know.

My dreams have been pretty intense and stressful the past few weeks. In any case, not a good feeling. Two such nightmares:

1. My mom and I were at some ski resort place. We were standing near ski lifts (ya know, those 'chairs' that whisk you away up into the sky to where you need to need to be dropped off for skiiing) and I felt pressured to make sure we got on the ski lift. But it wasn't easy. The ski lift was far away or stuck to where it couldn't just scoop us up real close. I looked at my mom and she had this look on her face like she was really counting on me to pull this off. We must have had somewhere real important to be (haha)! I realized I would have to jump pretty far....and wide. We were at a high altitude already, which meant there were several feel beneath me. If I didn't jump the right way and catch onto the ski lift, I would likely fall and die. Yet, I never got a feeling that I had any choice in the matter. I HAD to get on this ski lift and I had to get my mom on there with me. So scared beyond belief with adrenaline coursing through my body, I jumped. And we made it onto the ski lift. End of dream.

2. I'm inside an empty house, alone. I walk around because I can hear something and naturally, I feel the need to investigate (this is where in hindsight I must sound like one of those dumb people you see in scary movies that decides to snoop around a house and has no clue they're about to be killed....still scared, the person leisurely roams around the house). As I come around a corner, I peer into a room and straight ahead of me I see a woman (whom I recognize in 'real life' as M, an intern at my work) and a man. They are standing in front of a window. The room is lit by the sun. Their backs are facing me; they don't see I am there. The way they are standing makes me wonder if they are initiating sex with each other....when it dawns on me that as he is standing behind her, he proceeds to STAB her in the back five times. The bizarre thing though was that it almost seemed fake, more fake than in a movie. She hardly reacted. I had to really look (I felt more freaked out than she did). She had five small puncture wounds on her back, just barely bleeding. I started to walk away and find someone. Just then, I hear other voices. I am relieved that someone else is there to help. But when I gaze into the kitchen, I can see my coworker S. with a few other coworkers taking groceries out of plastic bags. They are oblivious to my presence. I suddenly don't know which is worse: M being stabbed or me feeling like I am invisible to people, like a fly on the wall.

Can you see why sleeping hasn't been all that fun for me lately? :) This morning was the first time in awhile, however, where I woke up from a good dream. I don't remember the details as vividly as the nightmares (how typical). All I do know is that the British guy was in my dream. Hahaha. No matter where I went, he was tagging along with me. It was as if I couldn't get rid of him. At first I tried to rationalize his presence as coincidence, that we just happened to be going to the same places. I slowly started to realize he wanted to go everywhere with me, like he was my boyfriend. In this case, I hope a dream becomes more than 'just a dream.'

Guy OF my dreams? No, just guys IN my dreams.

I woke up this morning remembering a dream about yet another guy (this is the second night in a row) I know. The first dream (the night before last) was of a slightly sexual nature, about a friend of mine. In the dream, he had wanted to sleep with me and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea because we're friends. Apparently, I changed my mind by the end of the dream. Hahaha. I actually told this friend about my dream yesterday and we had a good laugh. This second dream (last night), however, was just as odd. I only remember bits and pieces, so I'll do my best in writing about it here. I was at some kind of social gathering. Wandering around, I glanced behind me and there was my ex-boyfriend Andrew (some of you readers may recall his name from a few of my much older blog entries, where I was angry that I had run into him on my early morning CTA commute in Chicago a few times in the past year....that's who I'm talking about!).

The way I began talking to him in my dream felt SO real, great even! At first I was cordial, not wanting to ruffle any feathers. But within minutes, I became confrontational in almost a combative way. He acted as if we had been pals for years, it having conveniently 'slipped' his mind how disrespectful he has been. It was funny to hear myself call him an asshole in the dream. He was shocked to hear me say anything that a 'bitch' (aka, a woman who speaks her mind!) might say. Surely Katie is too 'nice' for that. Ha. Anyway, I reminded him of the times he simply ignored me on the bus and didn't even say 'hi,' as if I was a total stranger he didn't even know, date, etc. At first, he got defensive. But then he realized those (and other things) were jackass-like actions. I should have known I was dreaming, as this never would happen in 'real life.' hahaha

I've noticed between these dreams and what's been going on with certain challenges in my life this past week....there is a common thread: speaking my mind, asserting myself. While I have grown more comfortable with honesty and standing up for myself/expressing how I feel about someone or a situation in an appropriate way, it can still provoke anxiety. You don't know what will happen if you choose to really let it all out with what you need to say, hence the anxiety and risk. Yesterday I had to be completely honest with my supervisor about something and while the problem hasn't gone away, I feel better having her know where I'm coming from. What she chooses to do with the revelation is up to her, just as it is with the guys IN my dreams. :)