Birth control pill for men?

On my way to work this morning, I stumbled across a morning talk show (Drex in the morning...they usually have interesting cultural topics they talk about) where they were discussing the possibility of a male birth control pill in the works. Who knows if/when it may be approved by the FDA, but I found the idea very interesting and thought provoking. It raises alot of questions (in my mind, anyway)...not only for men, but for women as well.

How many men would be willing to take a birth control pill? Would women trust a man with such a hefty responsibility, especially when a failure to do so could create an unplanned pregnancy? Would this create a whole new can of worms, ie a man being more reluctant to use a condom if he claims he is taking the male birth control pill? Is there a reason certain birth control methods work for certain genders? Think about it. Even with the advent of the female condom, it's not as widely used and feasible as the male condom. Perhaps the male birth control would be the same way? While the idea of a male birth control pill seems great and empowering in theory, how successful would it be in application? I looked up an article online for further info and thought I'd share it here. I'd love to hear your thoughts/take on this, dear reader......

Male birth control pill soon a reality
By John Schieszer
MSNBC contributor
SEATTLE, Oct. 1 — - Forty-year-old Scott Hardin says he’s glad that men may soon have a new choice when it comes to birth control. But, he adds, he would not even consider taking a male hormonal contraceptive. Hardin is like many men who are pleased to hear they may have a new option but are wary of taking any type of hormones.

“I would rather rely on a solution that doesn’t involving medicating myself and the problems women have had with hormone therapy doesn’t make me anxious to want to sign on to taking a hormone-type therapy,” says Hardin, who is single and a college administrator.For the first time, a safe, effective and reversible hormonal male contraceptive appears to be within reach. Several formulations are expected to become commercially available within the near future. Men may soon have the options of a daily pill to be taken orally, a patch or gel to be applied to the skin, an injection given every three months or an implant placed under the skin every 12 months, according to Seattle researchers.“It largely depends on how funding continues. The technology is there. We know how it would work,” says Dr. Andrea Coviello, who is helping to test several male contraceptives at the Population Center for Research in Reproduction at the University of Washington in Seattle.

Coviello and her colleagues have found that a male contraceptive that releases testosterone over three months is potentially a safe and practical method of contraception. The Seattle researchers have been testing a sustained-released, testosterone micro-capsule, which consists of a thick liquid administered by injection under the skin.“I never had any real noticeable side effects. I didn’t notice any mood changes. I may have put on a little weight,” says Larry Setlow, a 39-year-old computer programmer with a small software company in Seattle. He has taken part in three male hormonal contraceptive clinical trials at the University of Washington and has received both pills and injections.“They all worked really well and I was able to look at my lab results and see my sperm count drop to zero,” says Setlow.Women have had the option of a safe, effective and reversible form of contraception since the development of the female oral contraceptive pill in the 1960s.

Female contraceptives use hormones, estrogens and progestins, to shut off the release of eggs to prevent pregnancy. Male hormonal contraceptives work pretty much the same way: hormones, such as testosterone and progestins, are used to turn off sperm production.“It seemed like I was getting headaches and then there were times when I woke up sweating at night and I had to change my shirt. Other than that, I didn’t have any side effects,” says 45-year-old Quentin Brown, who lives in Los Angeles and has been a volunteer in a study of MHCs at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center in Torrance, Calif. Brown has been taking hormonal contraceptives for more than a year. He reports no problems with weight gain or acne, two side effects that occurred in earlier versions of MHCs tested in the 1990s.Brown, who is married and has three children, hopes his kids will one day be able to benefit from the new technology. His would like his son, who is now 17, to one day have the option of taking a male birth control pill.

Brown believes many men will see “their pill” as a good idea and will want to use it.“It is time for men to have some control. I think it would empower men and deter some women out there from their nefarious plans,” says Brown. “Some women are out there to use men to get pregnant. This could deter women from doing this. An athlete or a singer is someone who could be a target and they could put a stop to that.”Studies conducted by the World Health Organization show that men from many countries around the world would welcome MHCs. The WHO has tested MHCs in hundreds of volunteers in various countries around the world and have not found it difficult to recruit volunteers for their studies. Researchers say many men are very willing to become involved in the studies and are anxious to see a male birth control pill on the market.

A range of choicesOver the past 5 years, researchers around the world have had a great deal of success with male contraceptive pills, patches, implants and creams that deliver various amounts of hormones. It is now believed that an MHC in the form of a daily pill could be available on the market within 5 to 7 years and implants could arrive even sooner.

“An injectible or an implant (similar to Norplant for women) will be the first to be approved. The big studies are now under way,” says Dr. Christina Wang, who is heading up the clinical trials of MHCs at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center.She and her colleagues have found that a combination of progestin and androgen implants are safe, effective, inexpensive and entirely reversible. The California researchers have tested several different products in hundreds of men and are also collaborating with investigators in China. A Chinese clinical trial is now under way at 10 different sites across China and includes 1,000 men. The Phase III trial involves a single injection given once every month. Wang hopes to start a similar trial in the United States within the next 2 years.

We are trying to find the best combination with the least amount of side effects and then the least amount of medication that may be required to get the maximum effects,” says Wang.Wang adds that in some countries, a low-cost, reversible and long-acting form of an MHC could become commercially available within the next 3 years. However, she says it will probably be at least 5 years before one is approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.Interestingly, Wang says there is now greater interest in this technology than there ever was in the past and there is now more funding available worldwide than ever before.But will men take it? Some say yes, some say only if their partners make them, and other say they would never even consider it.
© 2007 MSNBC Interactive

"Classy" quote of the week

Carol just told me this woman came in yesterday from one of our other clinics needing to be guest dosed at our clinic. The woman apparently didn't have enough money to make her full payment or something and said to our nurse "I guess I'm gonna have to suck some dick to get more money." The nurse just looked at her.

I told Carol we need to start a collection of quotes around here.

Freudian couch

I haven't written a blog all week, partly because I've been busy at work and partly because I've been trying to get over a cold and haven't had anything in particular to write about. Even though today will likely turn out to be a slightly busy day at work, I had to squeeze in some time to write something today. No main topic though, just some "free association" of thoughts a la Freudian style (but a lot less bizarre!).

Yesterday I went to yet another free seminar as part of my brilliant plan to get as many CEUS accrued as possible without having to spend a dime. After I left the two hour seminar, I got to thinking that it seems like I feel slightly depressed every time I leave one of those seminars and I wasn't quite sure why. I still don't really know, other than to guess that sometimes it seems like there is more negativity one has to deal with being a therapist than the positive. Not to sound pessimistic, but it feels that way quite a bit....even in problem solving mode. It's like you have to look at something from a negative aspect before you can get to the positive aspect. This may not make sense to the 'outside' (non-therapist) world, but I think it's reality...at least with substance abusers. I think I felt this way when I worked with the young, abused and/or severely misbehaved children at my internship too though. I wonder if I would feel this way with my own private practice. I don't think I would. The background of the clientele plays a HUGE part. Hmmm. Interestingly, the speaker yesterday (really good, by the way) was talking about how as much as we like to throw around the psychological terms "power" and "control", whether in reference to ourselves or others/clients....it's all an illusion. None of us have it, even if we think we do. I pondered his statement and can't agree more.

I noticed something funny about myself when I was at the seminar. This particular speaker wanted to start off by having everyone in the audience (about 25 people) introduce themselves by giving their name, where they work, and what they would like to get out of the seminar. First of all, I hate answering those kinds of questions. They just feel very cliche to me, but whatever. But what's funny is that for as much as I've gone beyond my comfort zones professionally, I still have slight anxiety when it comes to public speaking. I thought it went away the last year or so I was in graduate school, but I feel it come back every time I'm in a room with more than 5 or 10 people where I have to talk about myself, all eyes front and center on me, hanging on my every word. For as much social interaction I have with people on a daily basis, my anxiety goes up in this kind of situation. I felt so silly for feeling that way. Oh well. :)

I woke up this morning having remembered some short and random dreams I had. The first one: I'm walking around one of the "village" neighborhoods back in my old high school town of Kingwood, Texas. It was early evening and I was just kinda roaming around, not really sure where I was going, but I wasn't scared or anxious either. I do remember looking around for signs that other people were around, but no one was there. Next thing I know, I'm walking down the middle of a street in my old middle school town of Chesapeake/Great Bridge, Virginia. Someone is walking behind me. I got the feeling it was a friend of mine because we were talking a bit and I looked up at the dark, starlit sky. I see a beautiful shooting star and get all excited because isn't that rare to see?! I point it out to my friend, but I was the only one to see it.

Next dream: My friend Erika's brother Nick was in my dream. I was talking to his firefighter colleagues, laughing as they were telling me they wanted to play a practical joke on him. They wanted to create a false fire alarm, send their trucks out with the sirens and lights going off, call him to come in to help them out with a fire (even though there wasn't a fire) on his day off or something. They wanted me to help them with their joke, to make it more believable to Nick. He hurriedly jumps into his car and I ride along with him in the passenger seat. The weird thing was that he had a feeling it was some kind of setup...so as if we were in an action movie (hahaha), he starts driving around like a maniac...fast and unpredictably, with the hope that it would throw them off when he turned down the wrong street or obscure side streets. And it worked. The sound of sirens faded into the distance. He didn't know I was part of the plan though. He looks at me and asks me if I want to see a late night movie or if I want to go to a bar ("Cheetah's" I think he called it, hahaha!). I chose the bar. End of dream.

Finally, I only remember bits and pieces of this dream: At first I'm hanging out in this room with a few guys and at one point, they are talking about me as if I'm not there. One says to the other something about how he wanted me so bad? Next thing I know, I'm sitting in this woman's lap (?!) at a desk writing a letter. Another woman comes up to us and nudges me about getting going. I look at the clock on the wall and start freaking out when I see that it's nearly 1:30 in the morning. I don't know what kind of letter I was writing, but it seemed important enough for me to lose sleep over. All I could think was, "How the hell am I going to go to bed and wake up at 4:00am NOW?!" Wow, even in my dreams I'm cognizant of the fact that I have to wake up so early in the morning for work. How hilarious.

After having the wonderful pleasure (note sarcasm) of seeing my awful-not-a-good-person-at-all-ex-boyfriend-from-many-moons-ago the past two days in a row on the morning bus commute.......I decided something has to give, even if I'm the one who has to do something different about it. Fuck the #156 bus, I thought. Today I took the train to Fullerton, then got a ride with Carol the rest of the way to work. And will from now on. The end. :)

Now I'm counting down for my 2 day holiday to begin....

Update to my WTTB blog

For those of you who read my "Walking, Talking Time Bomb" blog last month....here's an update of what happened today (it was his first time back since that last time he was here a few weeks ago). Last week his wife (who is Carol's client) called Carol, crying about how my client was having some episodes (I knew it!) and she was concerned, thinking she might call his psychiatrist if things got worse. A few weeks ago, my boss had made tentative plans to want he and I to talk to the client, just to make sure the client (and staff) were feeling safe in regard to the guy's mental health. But the more I thought about it, I decided I wanted to play it by ear and see what he'd be like next time he came in (that day being today) before I assessed what should (if anything) be done. I didn't want to feed his possible paranoia that we're 'out to get him.' I'm so glad going with the flow works so well at work, because I think it turned out well today.

When he came in, he apologized to Manuela for his erratic behavior. He told her he had stopped taking his meds, so it was bad, but now he's doing better because he's back on the meds (he told me so when I asked him....assuming he's telling the truth, which I think he is because he appeared calmer and didn't have that nutty glint in his eye that is characteristic of him when he's off the meds). I pulled him into my office for a few minutes to ask him how he's been doing, as I know he's had some stressful things going on lately. I also asked if he'd been to his psychiatrist lately and he stated that he has an appointment next month. I told him it's important for him to feel safe, as it is for us (staff) to feel that way as well. I emphatically pointed out that if he starts to feel parnoid or that we are 'out to get him,' it is important for him to know it is his illness talking, not reality. I asked him if he would go to the hospital if it was real bad/necessary and he said he would go if his wife wanted/needed him to go. I told him to keep me posted on his mental health; he said he would. I feel better from the talk now and am going to update my boss, which means we don't have to have the serious talk with him now that was originally planned for the client, myself, and the boss. We'll see how it goes....

Writing, reading, and all that jazz

Can I just say I love this man? The more books I read by this man, the more I am led to believe he is my gay soulmate. I started reading "Sellevision" a few days ago, which I was surprised to find myself picking up because it's his only fiction novel. Me having a tendency toward book/genre snobbishness, I wasn't sure I'd like the one fictitious work more than his nonfiction/memoir-style books (It is the only book I had not yet read by him, to date). But au contraire. I love this man. I think when God developed the quirky part of our brains that make both Augusten and I weird in that idiosyncratic and witty kind of way.....God took cells from the same 'collective' brain, thus connecting Augusten and I in some bizarre bookish, writerly kind of way with our similar sense of humor. Or so I like to think.

Even though I like to read ALOT and CAN read fast....doesn't mean I do so that often. So I know I really like an author when I can't put a book down and finish it within a day or two of opening the book to page 1. Augusten Burroughs just has this amazing knack for bringing his eccentric characters to life. He can describe their most minute characteristics, while at the same time mocking them from that third person point of view. Hilarious. It's writers like him that make me want to write my own funny, or strange but true, stories all the more.

Yesterday I strolled over to the Borders on Clark and Diversey in my neighborhood to browse around. As if I don't have enough books (!!), but I ended up getting a Chuck Palahniuk book of nonfiction essays called "Stranger Than Fiction" (no, it's not the same as the movie with the same title). I had only read one of his books a few years back, "Diary" I think. It was ok, but I wasn't totally enthralled with his fictive work. I was drawn to STF though because I saw it was a collection of random, bizarre essays. It had me brainstorming about the kind of book I'd want to write someday. I have a hard time narrowing down one specific topic...obviously, as demonstrated by various topics I blog about. I thought, "Aha, essays! Of course! Why didn't I think of that before? That's perfect!!!" I can have different chapters for different topics, but they will all be considered 'essays' (or for the ones that are too amusing for a serious title like 'essays' could be titled....'anecdotes'). That way, I could throw in some autobiographical stories from childhood, the horrible teen angst years, and a decade of random twentysomething experiences that would likely take up the majority of 'good material' (aka people watching stories, tales from the counselor's office, random travel/adventure anecdotes, experiences of working in a bookstore, dating foibles, family drama, life in the city, my insights into human nature/mental health.....and the list goes on and on).

Yes, yes. It's all coming to me now. This will be a great second career for Katie. And one of the very first 'dedication' pages will read: "For Augusten, thanks for the warped and crazy inspiration"

Going green!

I used to have a problem picking out the best, ripe avocados....the ones that looked perfect, like the one in this picture. Many times I would cut it open, but much to my chagrin, it would either be spoiled or not quite 'ready' to eat yet. Unfortunately, once the avocado has been split open, you've already taken the gamble. It's either eat it nasty or suffer in silence as you throw away the wasted, untouched avocado in the trash. But over the past six months, my "technique" for picking out the ideal avocado has significantly improved. Call it my avocado intuition by giving it the right 'feel' with my hands or my ability to calculate my chances of more 'hits' vs. 'misses.' Whatever the case may be, that problem has been replaced by a new one: an avocado addiction.

Loving guacamole just isn't enough anymore. I MUST have avocados almost every day to feel 'satisfied.' So much for my new healthier ways. Sure, avocados are high in the good kind of fat, but surely the USDA wasn't anticipating a 29 year old woman like myself would be consuming them like a fiend. And to think people could have been worried about my margarita intake! Ha.

Can too many avocados have the reverse effect? Can it clog my arteries for life like my hardcore bacon consumption did in my childhood years? Sigh. Oh my. Whether it's on my salads, on my veggie burger sandwiches, with tortilla chips, or simply on the side, it's become problematic. I may just start shitting avocado pits soon if this continues. Not good, NOT good! I need to go on avocado strike. Or maybe there's a meeting for other Avocado Addicts. Did I mention I have an avocado in my desk drawer that I brought to work today? When I went to Dominick's on Friday, there was a mesh bag full of four small avocados for $3.99; I just couldn't resist! Oh, sorry I was daydreaming.

Ok, I'm getting hungry now.....

Convictions

What would you do if you were accused of a crime...or even a minor offense that you didn't commit? Would you stand by your convictions, feeling that 'the truth will set me free' (so to speak) and risk an actual conviction (aka jail/prison time) to prove a point/the truth? Or would you take the consequences for whatever it was, even if it was a lie/something you didn't do? And does the situation dictate whether you would do one or the other (follow your 'truth' vs. 'authority')? I am reminded of philosophical debates on such matters, such as those written by Plato (who questions what is more important: what is best for the self or what is best for society?) and Henry David Thoreau ("Civil Disobedience".....though this extends more towards going to jail for something you strongly believe in, such as people who get arrested in the midst of a political activist/protest, not paying the obligatory government taxes and usually anything else society/government imposes on us).

It made me wonder where one should draw the line between doing the right thing for the self (especially if it isn't hurting anyone else, or standing up for oneself when wrongly accused of something he/she did not commit) and when to sacrifice individual needs for the bigger scheme of things. I read something recently, I think it was in Osho's "Freedom", where it is said that first and foremost we are individuals....therefore individuals by default must come first before collective thoughts and actions. In a way, I can see how this makes sense. For a long time, I never understood when people would say that in order to take care of other people, you have to take care of yourself first. It seemed like a sort of contradiction....but as I get older, I notice how true that seems to be. How good are you to anyone else if you aren't doing what's best for yourself first? Of course, one could argue it's dangerous, selfish, and greedy,etc. But it doesn't have to be. It can be a positive, altruistic choice. I had a session with a client earlier that had me thinking about these things. I thought it was interesting enough to think more and write about it here.

While I'd like to be able to answer my rhetorical questions, I don't think I can. I'd like to think I would stand up for myself if thrown in jail and/or being given some kind of negative consequences for something I didn't do, but then a part of me thinks maybe it still happened for a reason....something I wouldn't have control over/be able to conquer. Again, I suppose it depends on the circumstances. If it were minor, I'd probably just do what an authority figure tells me to do......but if it were a serious crime, I don't think I could say I killed someone when I did not. I wonder how often this sort of thing happened centuries ago. Probably pretty often. I know it still goes on in the world now, but I guess I try not to think about it. Too depressing and somewhat futile to change.

Eyes

It has been said that eyes are the 'window to the soul', but why is that? Why not our smiles, our laughter, our words, our touch? Why the eyes? Does the eye serve as a sort of mirror into our inner world?

When we look into someone's eyes and vice versa, we have the capacity to exchange a deeper acknowledgment and understanding of what it is to be "known." I look into a baby's eyes, filled with such wonder and fascination of the world around him/her. Babies seem to intuitively sense the joy or despair of the person they are looking at. When I am joyful, smile and make eye contact with a baby, their eyes lock on me. Sometimes there is a smile, sometimes it is just the eyes that speak to me. Regardless, I feel a connection in that moment of pure joy and innocence.

When I am socializing in an energetic atmosphere in a crowd of faces and lock eyes with a stranger, something has happened. I may not understand it, but it's there in the eyes. A gaze can be strong and long-lasting. It can also be fleeting, maybe out of apprehension or confusion. What determines our comfort level when we look at or 'into' each other? If one is comfortable and at ease, is that a good thing or is better to have slight anxiety, to up the ante with intimacy? If we look too long, it becomes 'staring.' This can provoke a creepy, threatening, nervous, or annoying response from the one being looked at. If we avoid eye contact (partially or totally), we can run the risk of becoming rude, insecure, seemingly bored/uninterested, self-absorbed.

But it also behooves us to be mindful of eye contact with others, as it can tell us alot about ourselves and the other person. In counseling sessions, I feel like I can sense the lies from the truth based on the individual's eye contact (or lack thereof) as they are talking to me. I can also see sadness, pain, joy, and excitement in their eyes.

When I am interested in a guy and there is mutual eye contact as we talk and get to know each other, it sometimes freaks me out....the fear of what he might see...or maybe what he won't? And I know I'm not alone here. Many people crave, yet simultaneously shun intimacy. Anxiety of 'being seen' can be related to one's confidence level, but not always. What we see when we really LOOK at/into each other can remind us of the person we are, the person we used to be, the person we'd like to be. The other person may also invoke feelings within ourselves that we may not understand....wonderful or not so wonderful. Conversely, we may be left wondering what the other person is experiencing in that same moment...also being looked at/into!

I wonder what life would be like in this world if everyone could only communicate with each other through the eyes and nonverbal expressions, no words. Would we understand and really know each other better? Would our feelings be stronger and conveyed more honestly, more intimately?

Haunting of the Rats

Just looking at this picture as I type this blog gives me the creeps. I feel like this creature is going to jump out of the screen, right onto my desk....scavenging for cheese, yet finding nothing but Orbit gum and Bath and Body Works Sensual Amber Body Lotion for the taking. Or me for breakfast, yikes. So it turns out I'm not haunted by the "normal" things like everyday people. Watching John Carpenter's "Halloween" gets me a little on the edge of the couch. Standing or sitting near a crazy person on the CTA even makes me flinch a little, though usually more from stifling a chuckle from an entertainment standpoint. Seeing the occasional bug on the wall in my apartment ruffles my feathers a bit, but I calmly find a shoe with a firm sole or a very thick, padded paper product to squish it dead (so much for my pacifist ways) and I move on. No fear. Crisis averted. Gone. What doesn't seem to leave my thoughts or dreams lately? Rats. Lately, no matter where I turn, there they are: on the street or in my dreams (er, nightmares). What is up? About an hour before I had to wake up this morning, I was awakened by this frightening nightmarish scenario. Although not real, it still haunts me....especially when I look at this horrid rat photo. Why do I torture myself this way?

Apparently, I was on my way to work and it was dark outside (see how real it sounds? haha). Because it was still early in the morning, the neighborhood I was walking in was very desolate and quiet. I didn't see anyone or anything around me, except for the street I was walking on, stream-lined with apartment buildings as far as the eye could see. Wait, I see something else! First, he was scurrying along and then: he jumps thirty feet into the air towards me. Even though I was completely scared shitless, I recall thinking that it couldn't be possible that a rat could have that much jumping power/velocity...to jump so high and so far. I felt like I had stepped into a rat circus, but without a trapeze, rings of fire, or the obligatory decorated elephant with the bored look on his face. No, this was a circus out of the "Twilight Zone" or a Stephen King novel.

Luckily, I was able to dodge that first rat's jump. I look across the street and see him running through the gutters atop the connected apartment buildings, as if it was his takeoff platform for yes, another jump. Unfortunately, I am right. He makes another jump, this time right towards my face. Like something out of the "Matrix," at the exact moment the rat approached my face, my left hand quickly catches the smarmy vermin firmly like a baseball and throws it back with a fast and strong release. I didn't even have time to think about how nasty it felt to have groped the rat in my hand for those split two seconds. It was either that, or have the rat attack and chomp away at my face with his lethal teeth. I walk on and it's over...but is it?

I wake up and see that I have another hour to sleep before the alarm goes off. It's only a dream, but I was close to calling Carol for a ride this morning. I'm such a wimp when it comes to rats.

Highbrow times

It's that time of year again....the time when I feel like hibernating in my apartment, curling up under a soft warm blanket with a literary great that can take me back in time....back in time to highbrow times. As I started reading the included short introductory biography section in Anton Chekov's compilation of short stories the other day, it occurred to me how much more interesting and diverse writers seemed to be in previous centuries than the current 21st century. Or maybe people of this time period were more honest and forthcoming in revealing the "real" person behind the writer's literary works? I don't know. But I DO know that when I have picked up a book by Leo Tolstoy, Oscar Wilde, Anais Nin, Sylvia Plath, the Marquis de Sade, W.S. Maugham, Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Mary Shelley,etc, etc....they seem like people I would be personally fascinated to know if I were living in that time period.

They seem like people you would enjoy having an intellectual conversation with or share your most intimate thoughts, feelings, passions and creativity. In fact, as I recall my friend Jennie (and even my friend Sebastian) saying once upon a time, such classic writers are perhaps more interesting in reading about their personal life and/or memoirs and letters they wrote than even their fictitious endeavors. I would have to concur.

"The Journals of Sylvia Plath" were alot more interesting and revealing of Plath than were her confusing, highly idiosyncratic poems and the great "Bell Jar." And while I absolutely loved Wilde's "Picture of Dorian Gray," the published letters he wrote to his lover Lord Alfred Douglas found in "De Profundis" are even more intimate and phenomenal. I haven't read any of Nin's erotic fiction, but one of my favorite books sitting on my bookshelf has got to be "Henry and June," an account of her love affair with a literary great of the time, Henry Miller. Such passion, lust, and inner neuroses.

When I think about writers I feel this way about in modern day times, however, I am at a loss. There are few I can recall liking and being curious about beyond the books they wrote strictly for entertainment purposes. Maybe Augusten Burroughs, David Sedaris, and Dan Savage....but they are already in the memoir genre anyway, so technically it doesn't even count!

What I wonder is: what has changed? Why are writers less interesting than those of yesteryear? Is living in an ever expanding age of technology make it more difficult to establish (or even a want to do so) that most vulnerable rapport between writer and reader? Has culture shifted the writer away from revealing too much? Or maybe writers have become more focused on selling books (aka making money!) vs. "selling their soul" with their words? If I were to become a published writer, even though it would be scary, I would want my readers to "know" me via my thoughts and feelings that for whatever reason became part and parcel of who I am as a writer....because two centuries from now, aren't you going to remember the little things about the writer more than their literary achievements? Substance and character.

Classic authors are timeless. Their books are still read by people in 2007, their personal lives dissected and analyzed with utmost curiosity. It's the presence of inner psychological workings that set them apart from contemporaries. Maybe this is why they are timeless remembrances?

Little Miss Personality

As much as we make changes within ourselves, even outside ourselves (our environment, who we surround ourselves with in our personal life, ad infinitum)....the very foundation of one's personality doesn't change that much. Sure, we may even acquire new thoughts, feelings, behaviors, idiosyncrasies....but who are we really, at the core? Certain aspects that would usually shine on a frequent basis (years ago) may go in hiding for awhile (in the present), but those qualities are still there. And sometimes I think maybe those crazy fun parts of the personality are more enjoyable because they don't come out that often. I'm sure you're waiting for the explanation. Ok, here goes.

The past two years since I have been working, my usual "carefree" and fun to be around/crazy part of me hasn't been 'out to play' as much. While I know who I am and know I still have it in me somewhere (haha), there's just something to be said about my friends seeing that side of me. I think my friend Rajiv saw this side of me, in totality (!!), for the first time last night. Once in awhile a friend desperately wants me to party it up and I just can't muster up any desire for nightlife. In those moments, I will shamefully lament to the friend (it has frequently been Rajiv, hahaha) : "I wish you knew me prior to two years ago. The Katie you know isn't as fun as the present Katie who works six days a week early in the morning." It's not even shame, now that I think about it. I think it's more sadness for myself. I miss that part of me. But again, maybe it makes me all that much happier in the rare instances where I surprise myself...and others.

Yesterday I had an absolute shitty day at work with all kinds of conceivable stresses. I thought I was on the verge of an anxiety attack or at least borderline 'about to go postal' status. I happened to be out running errands when Rajiv called to tell me he was in my neighborhood. He wanted to meet at Broadway and Wellington. The plan was to get coffee, but by the time I was about 10 feet in front of the local dive bar Friar Tuck's, well, I thought to myself, "Fuck coffee. I need an alcoholic beverage!" Most people would probably have a nervous breakdown when they are stressed. Katie has her own breakdown: unpredictable fun. :)

You should have seen the look on Rajiv's face (MANY times, haha!) yesterday every time I did something that wasn't like me...at least that he's ever seen from hanging out with me. One cranberry vodka turned into two for me. We went back to my place to wait for Eddie to meet up with us before going somewhere else. I was slightly buzzed and feeling more relaxed, quirky. I was dressed casually and Rajiv suggested I dress up. At first, I was hesitant, but then I thought, "Why not?!" I know I always feel better when I dress up in more attractive clothes. I also painted my nails a Valentine red. Sure enough, I was feeling a little more feisty as I walked out the door with my hair back in a clip, my best sexy black shirt, jeans, and black boots. I felt like my age. Imagine that! "Grandma" went into hiding and "Little Miss Personality" came out to play for the night. We hit Cesar's for Strawberry Margaritas and then another dive bar on Halsted and Wellington. Cracking jokes, being silly, slightly provocative, rebellious. The only thing missing was some dancing, but I'm not complaining. :)

At one point, Rajiv looked at me and said "I like THIS Katie." Hahaha. I was so proud to have him see that side of me, for him to know that 'she' does exist. And I think maybe she will be totally revived the day substance abuse counseling (aka her "Grandma" persona) becomes part of her distant past.

As I stumbled back into my apartment a little after 10:00pm, I get a text message from Eddie: "U were really fun tonite. We had a lot of fun. Love ya."

My response? "It's nice to know I have the fun girl in me still."

Even with a hangover, I can't help but smile. Being a responsible adult is important, but so is spontaneity.