Retrain the brain

The running theme for me this year: Re-train your brain. It's been challenging at times, but it has served me well and has reinforced my belief that the mind can facilitate a powerful process as well as  a powerful outcome with an adequate dose of self-discipline and curiosity.

The big one for me started just a few days before the new year of 2017. I had seen a friend post on social media here and there about this thing she was doing called Whole 30. The photos she would post of her meals looked delicious and healthy. I became curious to learn what this was all about, so with my Barnes and Noble gift cards in tow I scooped up "It Starts With Food" and a Whole 30 cookbook. I read the former within a few days time and impulsively made a decision to commit to 30 days of gluten-free, dairy-free, legume-free, corn-free, alcohol-free, and sugar-free (sans fruit) for 30 days in the month of January.

I mainly wanted to see if I could do it and if I would feel differently on a whole foods diet. It sounds silly, but it was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done. It required a self-discipline on a more challenging level as I had to constantly be aware of the foods I was picking and if I bought something that was already made I had to check the ingredient labels....and boy, was I surprised to see sugar in SO many products. No wonder we have an obesity crisis in the US. I had to learn to cook different foods. I had to get through some tough food cravings (including referring to my "relapse prevention"reminder list, especially every Friday...my "trigger" night of the week). Most importantly, I had to retrain my brain regarding my relationship with food.

And yes, I did make it the whole 30 days, plus the extra days of gradually reintroducing all the things I went without for that month. While I definitely don't want to eat this way as a lifestyle every day for every meal, I've incorporated it into healthier food habits and have continued to make Whole 30 meals more often than not since the beginning of this year. I also do something I never used to do before....I may eat something unhealthy, but only a little bit of it and then throw the rest away. Novel concept for this gal. I've retrained my brain to be mindful that I don't have to feel guilty about not finishing food and I also don't need to eat until I feel too full...only until I'm satiated. (Now if I could just retrain my brain to not crave chocolate so much...)

The other big conscious decision that I slowly eased into this year? Retraining my brain regarding my miserable anxiety laden relationship with my "smart" phone.I'm starting to think that calling our phones "smart" only makes us more dumb. Until the tech empire changes its mindset though, I need to change mine. Over the past year or two, Facebook and I have grown apart. Facebook became too self-absorbed, leaving me feeling incredibly disconnected. It started to feel like an abusive relationship in that the relationship isolates you from everyone else in your life and one day you wake up realizing you have no one else because you're so controlled by the relationship. Facebook was my abuser and I prepared myself to leave. Like so many victims of abuse, it took some time to figure out how I was going to leave, when I was going to leave, and uncertainty as to whether I would go back only to leave again. I would leave for a week or two here and there, but it's only been since September that I've been separated from Facebook this long: almost 2 months. 

It felt strange at first, but I feel like I'm getting the real me back. Every day I look around me and see so many people chained to their "smart" phone. I feel sad and angry when I see this as I wonder how much they are missing what is going on around them as well as within due to their technological addictions....beauty, real humans in front of them, their own minds. During my "detox" from my unhealthy relationship with Facebook and by extension my phone, my anxiety decreased dramatically and my ability to be in the moment increased substantially. I've been reading more books (if that's even insanely possible for me), thinking and reflecting more, and even starting to get my motivation and drive back for writing (something I haven't done in 3-4 years, except the occasional book review). 

If you want a more fulfilling and/or better quality of life, ask yourself what is most important and most helpful for creating a healthier, happier, more meaningful life for yourself. Then retrain your brain with some mental gymnastics and some gentle/mental stretching. I promise you it is worth the initial struggle. 

Book review on "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" (9/4/17)

This book arrived in my life at just the right moment. Originally, I was a bit hesitant based on the title. I'm glad I didn't give in to judging a book by its cover because this book did not disappoint in the slightest. Once you keep laughing and get past all the blunt F bombs more so in the beginning (which only adds to its humor and charm), "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck worms its way into your psyche if you allow your heart and soul to go down the rabbit hole with Mark Manson.

It's part hero's journey, part helpful suggestions, and part (non-bullshitty type) self-help insights on life drawn from psychology, philosophy, and a mindful stance of "not giving a fuck" (ie, choosing what to give a fuck about and more so what NOT to give a fuck about in the overall scheme of things). It's nothing that I don't already know on some level, but it's his delivery and particularly the way he integrates it all that drew me in. This book is like a wake up call when you need a swift kick in the ass in your life.

I also strongly identified with his life changing event that he mentions towards the end of the book: how a close friend of his suddenly and unexpectedly died and how that then redefined him as "before" and "after." While it can profoundly transform a person, tragic events don't have to happen for us to alter our perceptions, the choices we make, and the way we live. It can happen right now. Mark Manson emphasizes that we all have choices and we will always have problems. A problem free life is boring, unavoidable, and leaves no room for growth. It's about choosing the good problems to have that will lead us on a journey of meaning and fulfillment, even in the midst of pain.

Halfway through the book, I was curious how other readers on Goodreads felt about this book. Not surprisingly, there were people that either loved or hated this book. If you're wanting a book that will make you feel good about your sense of self, your life choices, and let you know that you're an exceptional/special person....well, this isn't the book for you. And this is why I fucking loved it. Refreshing, honest, emotionally intelligent, thought-provoking, and real....this is something severely lacking in society these days. Everyone needs to read this book, especially in the United States of Entitlement. Perhaps the best book I've devoured in less than two days in years.

Read. This. Fucking Book. And if you don't, well....I just don't give a fuck. You're missing out.

The best "teachers"

Sometimes the best "teachers" in life are those individuals that challenge and remind you of your integrity, kindness, and compassion in the face of their lack of humanity. Resentment, nasty criticism, and self-righteousness make for the perfect cocktail of the ego's dark side. I've never really understood why people hold on ever so tightly to resentment when it's counterproductive to their own sense of well-being and overall happiness in life. Granted, resentments can pop up for anyone (myself included) at times in life...but what makes a difference is whether you allow them to fester or examine it, work through it...and let it go, for your own sanity and well-being above all else. It's just not worth it. Yet so many are stuck in their ego (being "right" or "better than" another infallible human being). For the person on the receiving end of a "grudge" or a resentment that cannot or will not be forgiven, this can trigger uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. One may feel angry, guilty, unworthy, maybe even "attacked." Depending on experiences you've gone through in life and grown from (or not), you can choose to take it personally or move forward (preferably without those toxic people and situations).

I got to thinking about this "perfect cocktail" tonight as I reflected on how that truly has been the theme of the day. Maybe there's a lesson in there for me. I had a client talking at length about anger and resentment he harbors against a family member. He acknowledges that she may never change but has been unable to let go of it, so much so that his resentment triggers self-destructive behaviors and sometimes leads to a drinking relapse. His resentment hurts him more than it hurts the family member.

Interestingly, I was on the receiving end of some nasty criticism and resentment tonight. Last night I had emailed someone from my past that I had not communicated with in quite some time. I won't go into the specifics here because it's too personal to blog about, but basically the only reason I contacted this person was to let him know about a friend's death. I felt compelled to let him know because if it wasn't for him, I never would have known this friend who was such a huge, loving presence in my life. My email was well-written, informative and to the point. Nothing was brought up about the past. I even expressed gratitude for having met my friend because of him. I was pleased with what I expressed.

The response I received, however, was completely opposite. It was fraught with resentments from the past, fueled by his judgments of both myself and my friend with an incredibly self-righteous demeaning tone. Even in light of my friend's death, this individual still chose to hold on tightly to his ego and discard any sense of humanity. Some people just never learn. Some people would rather be assholes and say or act somewhat abusively to puff up their own sense of "power" than be kind, forgiving, and compassionate. I've encountered this same M.O. from a few other individuals over the years and while in the past I felt very emotionally wounded by this kind of viciousness (for lack of a better description or interpretation), I quickly bounced back from this particular incident tonight. I was shocked and slightly upset by the unexpected harsh words for a short time, but in the overall scheme of things I chose to not take it personally nor embrace his words as truth or reality.

This is is what I have learned from the best unkind "teachers:" Life is too short to hold onto the bullshit. I don't know about you, but I'd rather hold onto the good: kindness, love, compassion, gratitude, peace, and self-acceptance.

With that said, I'd like to make a shout-out to all the assholes that have been a part of my life. Thank you very much for teaching me to not be like you.

Book therapy

This book literally moved me to tears on at least a few occasions. Having lost someone as close and dear to me as the author did, I could relate all too well to the magnitude of all encompassing seesaw of emotions and existential questioning that follows. I enjoyed reading how Sankovitch transformed her pain with the healing salve of her most reliable of "saviors:" books. I can wholeheartedly identify with the healing power of books, which has always been my most comforting of friends during not only the best times of my life but also during painful times, lonely times, and times of challenging transitions. Sankovitch takes readers on a one year journey, reading one whole book for each day of the year. As she reads, she also reflects and finds connection that leads her to a place of gratitude, joy, and a sense of purpose.

With that said, I highly recommend this book to everyone (especially bibliophiles) and leave you with the following quotes that really spoke to me:

"For years, books had offered to me a window into how other people deal with life, its sorrows and joys and monotonies and frustrations. I would look there again for empathy, guidance, fellowship, and experience. Books would give me all that, and more."

"The world shifts, and lives change. Without warning or reason, someone who was healthy becomes sick and dies. An onslaught of sorrow, regret, anger, and fear buries those of us left behind. Hopelessness and helplessness follow. But then the world shifts again--rolling on as it does--and with it, lives change again. A new day comes, offering all kinds of possibilities. Even with the experience of pain and sorrow set deep within me and never to be forgotten, I recognize the potent offerings of my unknown future. I live in a weird world, shifting and unpredictable, but also bountiful and surprising. There is joy in acknowledging that both the weirdness and the world roll on but even more, there is resilience."

"Words are witness to life: they record what has happened, and they make it all real. Words create the stories that become history and become unforgettable. Even fiction portrays truth: good fiction IS truth. Stories about our lives remembered bring us backward while allowing us to move forward."

"The only balm to sorrow is memory; the only salve for the pain of losing someone to death is acknowledging the life that existed before."

"The purpose of great literature is to reveal what is hidden and to illuminate what is in darkness."

"Sharing a love of books and of one particular book is a good thing. But is is also a tricky maneuver, for both sides. The giver of the book is not exactly ripping open her soul for a free look, but when she hands over the book with the comment that it is one of her favorites, such an admission is very close to the baring of the soul. We are what we love to read, and when we admit to loving a book, we admit that the book represents some aspect of ourselves truly, whether it is that we are suckers for romance or pining for adventure or secretly fascinated by crime."

"In reading about experiences both light and dark, I would find the wisdom to get through my own dark times."

"Maybe that is what love is: the taming of desire into something solid and sustainable."

"We all face mysteries--'Why did that have to happen?'--that we will never be able to understand. But we can, and we do, find order somewhere, whether it be in our books, our friends, our family, or our faith. Order is defined by how we live our lives. Order is created by how we respond to what life dishes out to us. Order is found in accepting that not all questions can be answered."

Healing through Grief

During a Skype conversation between my best friend and I (he was in India and I was in the US) in September 2012, my best friend of 6 years told me "Katie, no matter what happens, I will love you forever." The second most heartbreaking phone call I've received in my adult life came just two months later when my other best friend called me on a Monday morning in mid November. "Katie, he's gone."

I've experienced deaths of loved ones in my life (one of the most painful of my childhood occurred when I was just 11 years old)....but none of them have been quite as emotionally painful as the sudden, unexpected loss of my young, kind, and loving best friend. One day while talking about the difficulties of managing my grief/loss while still going to work and trying to be a good therapist to my clients, an intern whom has been doing clinical assessment training with me told me about this book.

"Healing Through the Dark Emotions" salved the emotional pain in my psyche like nothing or no one else could during these last 6 months, for which I'm incredibly grateful. Miriam Greenspan is not only a therapist whom offers professional insights, she has been through her own personal battles with grief and loss as well. Instead of perceiving it as a hopeless negative, however, Greenspan seizes the pain as an opportunity for potential growth. She encourages readers to look deeply within themselves with compassion and curiosity, urging them to surrender to the pain instead of resist it....because as painful as it feels to do so, it is more fruitful to embrace it than let it fester into destructive pain that leads to addiction and overall health dis-ease.

If you're looking for a meaningful (possibly life changing)grief and loss book that strays off the beaten path (ie, one that is not pop psychology-ish), this is the one for you.

Sexuality/memoir book recommendation

It can be challenging enough to write about the taboo subject of those who engage in the BDSM and swinger lifestyle, let alone write about it from a perspective of self-discovery and intimate honesty. Suzy Spencer blends and balances the two perfectly in "Secret Sex Lives: A Year on the Fringes of American Sexuality." In between the voyeuristic sharing of her interviews, correspondence, and in person interactions with her subjects, Suzy also courageously explores her own sexuality with curious wonder.

What I most respected and loved about this book wasn't what was said, but how she said it. Not once did I feel the writing was contrived, patronizing, condemning, or even glorifying....which I imagine is difficult not to do when writing about taboo sexual practices. Suzy did not always agree with her subjects, nor could she oftentimes relate to their practices...but she always respected them and she turned something that could be construed as stereotypically "dark" and "dirty" into a very humanistic desire: Finding that sexual spark or passion that exists deep within human beings, yearning to be ignited....to be authentically wanted, seen, and known.

Sexual compulsion and the internet

As a mental health therapist working in the community mental health system, I'm constantly challenged by a myriad of presenting problems clients would like to work on in therapy. While I've been working in the field of co-occurring disorders (ie, addiction and mental health) since 2005, there are certain disorders I'm very skilled in and others I have very little knowledge or experience to draw from.

I'd venture to guess that an individual presenting to therapy is confident that their therapist can help them tackle any and all presenting clinical problems. Unfortunately, this is not always realistically possible. Sometimes the problem is totally out of the scope of a clinician's educational or professional competence. In these instances, referral to a more appropriate professional specialist is warranted. In a majority of cases, however, it is important for clinicians to take the initiative to seek either (or both) supervision, case consultation with trusted colleagues, and self-motivated professional development via continuing education classes/workshops or reading professional literature on the particular subject.

With that said, I was recently presented with a case involving compulsive masturbation and addictive online sexual behavior. I found myself (internally) floundering within this extremely sexually revelatory session with my client....not out of discomfort of the subject matter being discussed, but out of not knowing how to specifically help someone with this particular issue. Especially given how vulnerable my client felt telling me and wanting the client to continue feeling confident or courageous enough to proceed with treatment.

I found myself both intimidated and intrigued by this newfound clinical challenge, that of sex/cybersex addiction. Immediately and somewhat ironically, I searched various sites online for well-written and highly rated professional books on the topic. Much to my surprise, it was a disappointing and difficult search. While there are a plethora of books promoting "healthy" sexuality and how to explore one's sexuality in healthy/safe ways, books on sexual addiction are few and far between. The book I ended up getting wasn't even one I thought would be very helpful, but it ended up being decent.

"In the Shadows of the Net" by Carnes, Delmonico, and Griffin explores and analyzes the dangerous allure of the Internet on one's sexual proclivities, especially given the technologically dependent society we live in. Although certainly not to be used by any means as an excuse to act out compulsive sexual behaviors, the availability of sexual content and ease of anonymity online makes it that much easier for an individual to get sucked into a downward spiral of unhealthy and unmanageable sexual behavior. Chapters in this book include identifying problematic behavior ("Do I Have a Problem with Cybersex? and "Understanding Problematic Sexual Behavior on the Internet"), analyzing sexual arousal and intimacy ("What Turns You On? The Arousal Template" and "Courtship Gone Awry"), and how to change/recover from sexually addictive behaviors ("Boundaries," "Taking That First Step," "Changing the Way You Live," "Preventing Relapse: Maintaining the Changes You've Made," and "Family Dynamics and Cybersex"). I found "Understanding Problematic Sexual Behaviors on the Internet," "What Turns You On?," "Courtship Gone Awry," and "Boundaries" to be most helpful.

Upon reading the second half of the book, I realized recovery for sex addiction is very similar to alcohol and drug addiction. The author posits that there is a stronger propensity for relapse with sexual addiction than other addictions. Not sure I agree with that, though the relapse prevention model is very much akin to those used in alcohol/drug recovery programs and seeing that made me feel more confident in my professional capabilities to help a client seeking recovery for sexual addiction. I might even take it one step further and pursue a training to become a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.

Who can say their work is never boring or that they're always learning more about the human condition?

Therapists.

Get Your Gaggle On

I came across this book ("The Gaggle" by Jessica Massa) quite randomly and unexpectedly after reading an article about it on CNN last week. I'm not normally one to be drawn to typical dating/relationship advice self-help-y books....which is exactly why I loved this book so much. While most dating/how-to-find-love books (particularly those geared towards heterosexual women) harp on all the stereotypical "do's" and "don'ts" in order to snag 'the one,' "The Gaggle" turns the focus to one of self-discovery. Incredibly refreshing! It caters to those of us navigating through the confusing post-modern dating world who are looking for something different. After reading this book, I have more insight, optimism, and an overall more relaxed outlook on dating/relationships in the 21st century. I had an epiphany of sorts. Part of my problem had been my mindset. I was going about it all wrong....dating and/or pursuing a long-term relationship in very black and white terms. "The Gaggle" encourages women to explore those shades of grey with an open mind, awareness, and sense of adventure(aka, those various men in your life whom serve a very functional and/or meaningful role without you even realizing it...until you read what's in this book!). I have a great 'gaggle' of fun, intelligent, attractive, and caring men in my life. How can I not feel excited and grateful to have SEVERAL guys in my life that fulfill me in one or more ways?

Going my own Way

(Photo taken by me, near the Arboretum, Sept. 2011)

For my senior year high school English class, students were required to pick a novel of their choice and then write an analysis paper about it. While I can't recall the various book selections we were given as examples to choose from, I do remember thinking that I did not want to choose a book that everyone else would pick or one that I knew too much about....though if you asked me at the time, I doubt I'd be able to articulate why. As I scanned the page, few options stood out in my mind. Or rather one in particular. My eyes curiously wandered to Herman Hesse's "Siddhartha." "What is this about?" I thought. And so began my discovery of Buddhism and more so, the beginning of my own self-discovery.

I suppose I had started going my own way prior to reading "Siddhartha" senior year, though it wasn't until that moment that it was brought to my awareness that my path in life has always been different than 'everyone else.' And for the first time I realized this was a good thing. It comforted me, inspired me, and pushed me forward. Suddenly being different and apart from the crowd was a strength, a sign of growth and the embodiment of genuine enlightenment.Western religion has never done that for me. Ever.

When times get tough and the road feels lonely, I find myself going back to Eastern philosophy time and again. Buddhism. The Tao Te Ching. The works of the spiritual mystic Osho. The wisdom, compassion, and non-judgmental encouragement of finding one's own way pours into me and through me. The paradox is actually quite hilarious when I think about it, at least for me. So many fearful people blindly following a religious path that really isn't their own, just words of everyone else because...it's easier?! But it's not. The same individuals are fearful of having their own unique perceptions and feelings, especially what choices to make with them. The last thing they want to do is think about them, yet going your own Way is the first step on the path to understanding, freedom, and growth.

Recently, a friend of mine kindly and unexpectedly mailed a book to me. "Path of Compassion: Stories from the Buddha's Life." I'm slowly savoring each chapter like a child comforted by nightly bedtime stories. I feel both alone and not alone reading the courageous journey of Siddhartha, boldly embracing the judgments of loved ones and strangers alike. Most of all, I'm comforted and inspired by his letting go of external pressures of what they want him to say or do (ie, their own agenda) in favor of going his own way...not only for himself, but also for the greater good.

And with this, I am reminded (again) to continue...going my own way.

Recharge the batteries with inspiration

In a world rife with suffering and intolerance, it can sometimes be difficult to identify and appreciate aspects of our lives that are of the more positive and uplifting variety. This is all the more reason to purposely seek this out...to rejuvenate one's inner self with a sense of meaningfulness, courage, hope, and inspiration when it's needed most.

As a mental health therapist who works largely with a population of adults who suffer/have suffered severe brutalities in their lives, it can be even harder for me to incorporate those aforementioned qualities into my personal life. This week in particular is no exception.

I had to (mentally) check in with myself today, as I was starting to notice myself having symptoms of "vicarious trauma" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vicarious_traumatization) after several intense therapy sessions in which clients have talked about surviving something graphic, brutal, and violent (ie, murder, grief/loss over a violent suicide, being a victim of an attempted murder and showing me the scar....the list goes on and on). I sometimes hear the most horrific and disturbing things that it makes the evening news look like a joke, child's play. It's easy to manage when it's sporadic, but when inundated with back to back sessions overflowing with trauma (like this week).....it's way too much. Nurturing my mental and emotional self becomes absolutely critical.

With that said, I have turned to seeking and reflecting on meaningfulness, courage, hope and inspiration. When having overwhelming moments of fear, doubt, exhaustion, and hopelessness....you may find it helpful to ask yourself and reflect upon the following questions (as I have):

What brings meaningfulness to your life? What do you contribute to the world and/or to people you care about?

Who and what inspires you? How so?

What are your passions? How can you utilize your passions in constructive, creative, or even therapeutic ways to heal and propel you forward when you feel like you're "running on empty?"

Who can remind you of your strengths and humanity when you need to recharge? (ie, family members, friends, colleagues, pets)

The "answers" for me this week showed up in various forms:

An amazing feel-good consultation with my colleagues and an outside consultant (we meet twice a month on Wednesday mornings for 90 minutes, yesterday being the first time we consciously took the time to talk about the rewarding and meaningful aspects of our work in this healing profession...felt incredible).

Contemplating seeking a therapist for myself, in part to lighten the load of my own burdens.

Connecting and laughing with a (therapist) friend over dinner and one huge margarita, which included a conversation reminding me of how I was once told I had "moxie" (the highest compliment I've received in my life, along with also being told by a former boss of my "fortitude" he was surprised to discover I have).

Reflecting on the truly good friends in my life, the ones I most treasure and for whose friendships I have utter respect and gratitude.

Being inspired by phenomenal individuals, such as my colleagues (who walk beside me on this bizarre and sometimes lonely helper/healer's journey) or strong women who have grit, moxie, fortitude, determination, compassion, hope, perseverance (as seen in a book I found today at the bookstore, "Run Like a Girl: How Strong Women Make Happy Lives").

Reminding myself that even though I'm terrified of participating in the Warrior Dash (http://warriordash.com/register2011_washington.php) on Saturday, it will be fun and inspiring to experience with two of my colleagues. Something to check off the proverbial bucket list, if you will.

Seeing and/or reading about others who actively pursue their passions in astounding ways, like this person: http://www.readallday.org/blog/

....then engaging in my own passions by writing here/sharing with the world wide web...and logging off to read something inspiring, perhaps even fun and mindless. :)

Pride

Pride. It can carry a positive or negative connotation. Mostly though, I think it tends to present itself in unpleasant ways in our lives.

In what ways does pride show up in your life? Does it seem to get in the way of living the life you most want to live?

For me, pride (a.ka. ego) is just a form of shame. It's the feeling of not measuring up to some high self-inflicted standard you've set for yourself. It may appear helpful at first glance if you think you can manage to do something 'just the right way,' but in the overall scheme of things it's counter-productive. It doesn't leave much room for personal growth in one's life.

I got to thinking about this tonight, as I am slowing working on releasing (or at least decreasing) pride I have around two major things that have been ever too present in my life for years. If I can't beat it, I suppose I must join it...or surrender to it, rather.

More often than not, I tend to have shame around not being the "perfect" body weight/size. I also have shame around money (ie, struggling with not having enough/living beyond my means). Interestingly, both of these issues have become uncomfortably prominent in my life even more so than usual lately. Normally, I would avoid these situations at all costs or find ways to struggle through the self-inflicted standards I set for myself around these issues....but enough is enough. I'm tired of battling with myself. I'd rather let go and face my fears. So be it. What do I honestly have to lose?

What do we stand to lose if we let go of the pride that stands in our own way? False illusions. That's what you'll release. You see, that's the way the ego works. It's counter-productive. Do the opposite and you'll have something far more productive: self-acceptance. Maybe even support and acceptance from others that you never allowed them to demonstrate while your ego was running rampant.

Stop judging yourself so much...a little humbleness and compassion for one's self goes a long way. Try it sometime. You may just discover a whole new positive sense of pride emerging in the ego's absence.

Liberation. Growth. The opportunity to learn and change in a meaningful way.

Honest to --------> Truth

I had an epiphany, while taking a shower of all things. I was reflecting on different things that have been happening in my life lately. Yet again, the message has come through in the form of clothes. Sort of like the cliche' "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt"....except for me, it's more like "Got the t-shirt while I'm on my way to getting there and doing that."

Last year, it was my uncle's "Follow Your Bliss" sweatshirt that led me to contemplate how the philosophical statement pertained to my life. A little over a year later, I find myself frequently brought back to this year's personal message for me written on a $3 t-shirt I bought at the BBW: "Honest." There were three different t-shirts with three different words written on them, yet I was drawn to 'honest.' Now, it's beginning to make sense to me.....

When I was pondering this idea while taking my shower earlier, I thought about 'honest' and 'truth.' At first, I considered them to be synonymous terms, words one could use interchangeably for all contexts. When I thought about experiences I have had this past week though, I changed my mind about it.

For the most part, I feel I'm a pretty honest person. I consciously live my life with the intention of doing the right thing, treating others as I wanted to be treated, and being honest with myself (this is where 'honest' comes in). When I thought about truth, however, I couldn't help but wonder how deeply I live with 'truth.'

Curious, I looked up the definitions of both 'honest' and 'truth' on Google. Sure enough, Wikipedia defines 'truth' with how I was beginning to define it for myself: "The meaning of the word truth extends from honesty, good faith, and sincerity in general, to agreement with fact or reality in particular."

So, here's where the epiphany comes in. If truth is merely an extension of honesty, why can't I live with truth or more importantly, I suppose I should rephrase that by saying: why haven't I lived with a deeper level of truth all this time? I know, pretty deep thoughts for a Friday afternoon in June!

But seriously, I think I'm currently getting more and more to that place of embodying truth. This is especially the case with relationships: as related to work, friendships, and scarier still....maybe even those of the romantic variety.

Just when I have gotten to a point where I feel like I have great relationships with people in my life, I'm surprised to discover them becoming even richer in the depth of 'truth.' I don't know what has kept me from this deeper level of truth before, maybe fear of the unknown, the vulnerability that comes with intimacy, or the anxiety of how uncomfortable 'truth' can be because it involves risk on one or both individuals in the relationship.

Being one to face and tackle my irrational fears head on though, I find myself both excited and nervous about this new process of change within my relationships. Yet, I'm finding it has been a wonderful thing so far.

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about to demonstrate what I mean in a less cerebral way.....

At my part-time job, even though it's not the place I want to be and it's not something I'm passionate about, I have done my best to do not only the right thing, but also with honesty.....and yes, truth. It's been interesting to watch it unfold in a few different ways:

One woman I work with (an assistant manager) was initially driving me crazy with the way she tended to hover around me, trying to micromanage me and not give me the space and freedom to trust that I could handle situations on my own. At first, I wasn't going to say anything, but after the other assistant manager prodded me to divulge more, I thought, "What do I have to lose?" Not one to stir the pot in regard to interpersonal relationships, I told her where I was coming from with diplomatic honesty and sincerity. I wasn't sure if I would regret it later or that this person would betray my trust in telling her, but I just let it go. It was out there, so whatever. Then, the next time I worked with the challenging woman.....her demeanor shifted around me. I don't know if my confidante told this woman; it didn't matter to me because being honest worked in my favor. I no longer felt annoyed with the woman; she has been laidback around me since!

A few other work related examples of honesty leading to truth includes partially how I landed my new full-time job a few days ago....

To make a long story short, part of the conversation I had with the program manager involved her telling me how much the staff liked me at my second interview and in turn, I told her how much I like her, the staff, the place/environment and how out of all the interviews I have been on, their agency was the only one I truly liked and really wanted to work. By others, this could be seen as saying what the person wants to hear and maybe not the most professional thing to say to someone who perhaps one should be more formal with in such a situation.....but I had to say it because that's how I 'honestly' felt.

At the same time, I felt a little guilty about having to quit my part-time job without giving the proper 2 week notice. I could have just quit on the spot and the idea did appeal to me. But it's not who I am. I want to embody both 'honest' and 'truth,' which isn't always easy to do. Still, I decided to compromise and work a few more weekends at the part-time job because it's the right thing to do.

I remember when I was younger, I couldn't stand hypocrisy. I still don't, but most especially when I was a teenager. I told myself that if it is up to me, I will live my life 'walking my talk,' only telling others things what I myself can/have done (aka, 'truth') to the best of my ability.

Even more difficult than living my truth at work, is living 'truth' in my relationships. But I think I'm slowly getting there. One thing I have really enjoyed about being 30 thus far? I have been even MORE confidently honest with myself, especially in regard to the role (or responsibility) I play in the choices I have made/continue to make, the patterns I have created that have kept me stagnant somehow, and recognizing what I need to do to change for the better.

There are many examples I have noticed of 'truth' in my relationships lately, but this one stands out to me the most. The other day I was surprised when a friend of mine revealed to me that she was upset with me because she felt I had not been a very supportive friend to her at a time when she needed it most. Initially, I was taken aback and hurt by her words. Instead of becoming defensive or beating myself up about it though, I really listened to what she had to say and was glad she told me (even if it wasn't pleasant). I told her I have always prided myself on being a great friend to those very close and dear to me, so I felt especially bad that I had let her down and apologized. There were no hard feelings, simply an 'honest' conversation between friends.

I was uncomfortable with it at first, but my love for our friendship was even stronger and I think it deepened the value and 'truth' of our friendship all that much more now. I realized that is what I want most out of ALL my significant relationships, the ones that inspire deeper connection and intimacy. It can be scary, sure. It can also provide an emotional depth I never could have fathomed before this point of my life, a journey of 'truth.'

What does 'truth' in my relationships look like?

It's a reciprocal balance of emotional and mental maturity between two people and being able to recognize those 'truth'-ful relationships I have with overwhelming gratitude. It's about consciously exploring those particular relationships on a deeper level and steering away from the ones that aren't there now and/or accepting the ones that may never be....honestly, an incredibly hard thing for me to work on (letting go of the ones lacking this, especially romantically speaking), but....

It's the truth, my truth. And it's absolutely liberating. :)