The best "teachers"

Sometimes the best "teachers" in life are those individuals that challenge and remind you of your integrity, kindness, and compassion in the face of their lack of humanity. Resentment, nasty criticism, and self-righteousness make for the perfect cocktail of the ego's dark side. I've never really understood why people hold on ever so tightly to resentment when it's counterproductive to their own sense of well-being and overall happiness in life. Granted, resentments can pop up for anyone (myself included) at times in life...but what makes a difference is whether you allow them to fester or examine it, work through it...and let it go, for your own sanity and well-being above all else. It's just not worth it. Yet so many are stuck in their ego (being "right" or "better than" another infallible human being). For the person on the receiving end of a "grudge" or a resentment that cannot or will not be forgiven, this can trigger uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. One may feel angry, guilty, unworthy, maybe even "attacked." Depending on experiences you've gone through in life and grown from (or not), you can choose to take it personally or move forward (preferably without those toxic people and situations).

I got to thinking about this "perfect cocktail" tonight as I reflected on how that truly has been the theme of the day. Maybe there's a lesson in there for me. I had a client talking at length about anger and resentment he harbors against a family member. He acknowledges that she may never change but has been unable to let go of it, so much so that his resentment triggers self-destructive behaviors and sometimes leads to a drinking relapse. His resentment hurts him more than it hurts the family member.

Interestingly, I was on the receiving end of some nasty criticism and resentment tonight. Last night I had emailed someone from my past that I had not communicated with in quite some time. I won't go into the specifics here because it's too personal to blog about, but basically the only reason I contacted this person was to let him know about a friend's death. I felt compelled to let him know because if it wasn't for him, I never would have known this friend who was such a huge, loving presence in my life. My email was well-written, informative and to the point. Nothing was brought up about the past. I even expressed gratitude for having met my friend because of him. I was pleased with what I expressed.

The response I received, however, was completely opposite. It was fraught with resentments from the past, fueled by his judgments of both myself and my friend with an incredibly self-righteous demeaning tone. Even in light of my friend's death, this individual still chose to hold on tightly to his ego and discard any sense of humanity. Some people just never learn. Some people would rather be assholes and say or act somewhat abusively to puff up their own sense of "power" than be kind, forgiving, and compassionate. I've encountered this same M.O. from a few other individuals over the years and while in the past I felt very emotionally wounded by this kind of viciousness (for lack of a better description or interpretation), I quickly bounced back from this particular incident tonight. I was shocked and slightly upset by the unexpected harsh words for a short time, but in the overall scheme of things I chose to not take it personally nor embrace his words as truth or reality.

This is is what I have learned from the best unkind "teachers:" Life is too short to hold onto the bullshit. I don't know about you, but I'd rather hold onto the good: kindness, love, compassion, gratitude, peace, and self-acceptance.

With that said, I'd like to make a shout-out to all the assholes that have been a part of my life. Thank you very much for teaching me to not be like you.

Organically intimate

Opening up. Letting go. Surrendering. To oneself. The moment. To opportunities for organic intimacy with the self and with friends or lovers. How often do we allow ourselves this in the age of iPhones, iPads, texts, social networking, cyber chats, busy lifestyles and instant gratification? How often do we pick up the phone to share something of depth and meaning with another? Share laughter, spark intellectually stimulating conversation, swap life stories, or otherwise hidden secrets?

We fidget, we resist, we avoid ourselves and each other, we escape into machines and addictions. The humanity that can be found in connecting is fading in the dwindling creative process that takes place when people interact and relate in organic ways....face to face, heart to heart, verbal conversations, eye contact, touch, body language, expression of visceral uncensored emotion, vulnerability (being emotionally "naked," open, honest, and transparent with nothing to hide behind/from).

I could be in the minority that finds these experiences few and far between, but I highly doubt it. Having recently experienced a significant number of these experiences more than the usual (ie, rare), I got to thinking how much different I feel with them vs. without them. Connected. Alive. Joyful. Hopeful. Seen, wanted, desired, understood, known. Real experiences evoke real emotion. Virtual is an illusion that numbs and leaves one extremely wanting. It's no wonder why we as an American society are more depressed, disconnected, empty, unhealthy (physically and emotionally), and overly medicated now more than ever. But it doesn't have to be that way.

It will likely feel very uncomfortable to relax and completely surrender to your physical environment when you've been tethered to the ease of virtual living for so long. But you will feel alive. Earlier this week I had one (of many) such moments. I've recently discovered a new interest and appreciation for relaxation yoga and meditation, something that never struck my fancy until I was at my wit's end with a painful rib injury that left me desperate to try just about anything to heal that much quicker. Sadly, this was my only motivation for going. I'm oddly grateful for that injury though because it gave me the priceless gift of yoga. It's done wonders for my soul. I'm able to relax and let go completely, which speaks volumes since I can rarely turn myself completely to "off" mode. Since I've been practicing this yoga once a week, it's becoming a little more natural and likely I can do so when I'm not in the class.

Then there's meditation. I've never been one to meditate. I never thought I could do it the "right" way, even thought it to be boring, futile, and even a little pretentious. The other night, however, proved me wrong. Within minutes of being asked to think about and visualize those in my life who have been my greatest teachers, mentors, and loving supporters....my eyes (which were shut) filled with tears as I found myself surprisingly overcome with emotion, triggered by memories of people dear to my heart. I was filled with such joy to be reminded of this love and gratitude that could have gone unnoticed otherwise.

As I have been challenging myself, I challenge you to seek out opportunities to live in the organic....that which kindles intimacy and self-discovery, sparks genuine self-expression.

Real is slow, organic, random, messy, risky, at times even ecstacy. A puzzle to be put together. Layers of an onion to be peeled. A gift to be unwrapped and savored.

Self-discovery

Do you partake in the art of self-discovery? I do....as much as possible and the more unpredictable/unexpected, the better I am for it. I think that if society encouraged individuals to pursue a life of positive self-discovery (versus reinforcing the current mentality of fear and narcissism) we would be living in a drastically different world. If we listen to everyone else but ourselves, we may easily freak out and shy away from the very things that could make us blossom on the inside and outside. Yet sadly, this is the norm. It's more the exception than the rule to hear or see someone letting go of control in favor of the risk of exploring the unknown with a curious spirit. I'd like to think I'm one of the exceptions. One of the best compliments I've received recently was from a close and dear friend reflecting back to me the positive value I place on my own self-discovery. As Gandhi has said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If I would like others to incorporate this into their lives, I must emulate it through my own experiences.

The key to self-discovery is being open and spontaneous to what that might look like. You may be surprised to find yourself learning and experiencing things you never saw yourself doing a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago, or pretty much ever! Within these unexpected experiences there is potential for growth, joy, and feeling fully in the present moment. It is impossible to ruminate on the past or dwell on the uncertainty of the future when all of your senses are engaged in what's going on right now. So take a class that sounds remotely intriguing or fun. Take a road trip or vacation to a place you've always wanted to go....by yourself! Take a risk of possibly making yourself look "stupid" or "crazy" by trying something you might fail or do terribly....because there's a greater chance you will lose your inhibitions, feel energized, and maybe even bring out a badass side of yourself you didn't even know existed.

Discard the usual suspects of fear, embarrassment, guilt, shame and procrastination. Push yourself out of a stagnant comfort zone and into the zone of self-discovery.

One big box on display, for all the world to see

Prior to computers encompassing a big part of our daily living, it was safer and easier to compartmentalize those aspects of your life you wish to be separated or private....a box for your work, a box for your family, a box for your friends, and a box for acquaintances or strangers. It was fairly easy to navigate through the boxes. If you were cool with one box knowing certain things about you, one or more of the other boxes didn't have to know about it. But then technology started infiltrating its way in, bulldozing those safe little boxes and replacing it with one big mingling social playing (or mining?) field. Boundaries started to become vague, sometimes even non-existent.

While you could once be choosy about self-disclosure with people in your various boxes, the mainstream popularity of sites like Google and Facebook opened up a can of worms regarding finding people, being found, and finding information about other people that they don't want out there for the whole world to see. This particularly hits home for me and while I cannot speak for my therapist friends or colleagues in depth, I know they go through similar thoughts and feelings on this issue. For therapists in particular this can be a thorny issue, and it's only getting harder to manage as technology continues to rapidly expand.

Let me back up to the year 2005, where the story begins for me. After graduating with an MA degree in 2005, I started working as an addictions counselor in a small office on the north side of Chicago. While it was an incredibly hard and challenging job, it also had one major perk. At this same time, I started writing blogs on the now seemingly obsolete site MySpace. My work hours were in the wee hours of the morning and there would be stretches of quiet downtime in between doing any work with clients. This allowed me the time, space, and opportunity to write about different things I happened to be thinking about or wanting to express. It was a way for me to share with my friends and also pass the time in a meaningful way. Social networking was in its infancy stages at that time. Clients rarely mentioned the importance or even functional use of computers in their everyday life, most probably didn't even have one. I felt safe with my boxes.

Several blog posts later (in 2007), a friend encouraged me to create my own blog page (this here) that would allow a potential audience of readers beyond my two small boxes of family and friends. I was apprehensive and nervous as I thought about what it would be like for the world wide web to read my thoughts and in a sense "know" me through my writing. It felt scary being perceived as a "writer" and the vulnerabilities that come with such a role, especially since I never considered myself a "real" writer. My boxes still felt pretty intact....looser, but intact. But then Facebook came along. The boxes started to disappear, or rather there was suddenly just one big box. Everyone from the various boxes were now all with me in the one box. And some lurked just right outside the box, mainly ones I never wanted to see or think about outside of work: clients.

I once had clients at my last job (2005) that didn't even have computers and now in 2011 I have clients who will frequently talk about Facebook. We no longer have private lives, but rather only private aspects to very public lives. I am now overly conscious and aware of what I put out there. It's harder to know if and when I should share or not share (Thank goodness for privacy settings that allow me to make myself invisible in some regards!). It used to be if a client asked me a personal question, they wouldn't know if I didn't tell them. I could freely pursue my photography and writing with reckless abandon. Self-expression felt liberating. I miss that feeling. It has been replaced with borderline paranoia, a neurotic feeling that likely won't disappear. I'm pretty sure my friends and family who aren't in the counseling field think I'm nuts on this particular issue, but they don't know/understand the dynamics of therapeutic relationships. They require certain boundaries and limitations you don't have or need in the relationships you have in your personal life...hence the dilemna and anxiety for what you can't control with technology rearing its sometimes ugly head.

Thinking I must not be the only therapist out there impacted by this issue, I curiously decided to do a little online research and see what has been written on the topic. Once again, I appear to be ahead of the curve on noticing this paradigm shift....I couldn't find anything written about it. The closest thing I could find was this: http://www.zurinstitute.com/internet_transparency.pdf. Even then, all this article talks about is the impact on the client not on the therapist's personal life (especially with the therapist's own creativity and self-expression).

Ever since my graduate school days I have had a way of picking topics that have never been written about, at least publicly/no research can be found on it. I'm compelled with curiosity to start talking to more of my therapist friends and colleagues about this now. Maybe I've had it all wrong on what my first book could/should be about. haha. If I were rich and had ample time, I could write books on all the issues or topics that haven't been written about and are incredibly relevant to the mainstream even though they don't know it yet.

Time to buy that lotto ticket and go back to my one big box of public living....