The best "teachers"

Sometimes the best "teachers" in life are those individuals that challenge and remind you of your integrity, kindness, and compassion in the face of their lack of humanity. Resentment, nasty criticism, and self-righteousness make for the perfect cocktail of the ego's dark side. I've never really understood why people hold on ever so tightly to resentment when it's counterproductive to their own sense of well-being and overall happiness in life. Granted, resentments can pop up for anyone (myself included) at times in life...but what makes a difference is whether you allow them to fester or examine it, work through it...and let it go, for your own sanity and well-being above all else. It's just not worth it. Yet so many are stuck in their ego (being "right" or "better than" another infallible human being). For the person on the receiving end of a "grudge" or a resentment that cannot or will not be forgiven, this can trigger uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. One may feel angry, guilty, unworthy, maybe even "attacked." Depending on experiences you've gone through in life and grown from (or not), you can choose to take it personally or move forward (preferably without those toxic people and situations).

I got to thinking about this "perfect cocktail" tonight as I reflected on how that truly has been the theme of the day. Maybe there's a lesson in there for me. I had a client talking at length about anger and resentment he harbors against a family member. He acknowledges that she may never change but has been unable to let go of it, so much so that his resentment triggers self-destructive behaviors and sometimes leads to a drinking relapse. His resentment hurts him more than it hurts the family member.

Interestingly, I was on the receiving end of some nasty criticism and resentment tonight. Last night I had emailed someone from my past that I had not communicated with in quite some time. I won't go into the specifics here because it's too personal to blog about, but basically the only reason I contacted this person was to let him know about a friend's death. I felt compelled to let him know because if it wasn't for him, I never would have known this friend who was such a huge, loving presence in my life. My email was well-written, informative and to the point. Nothing was brought up about the past. I even expressed gratitude for having met my friend because of him. I was pleased with what I expressed.

The response I received, however, was completely opposite. It was fraught with resentments from the past, fueled by his judgments of both myself and my friend with an incredibly self-righteous demeaning tone. Even in light of my friend's death, this individual still chose to hold on tightly to his ego and discard any sense of humanity. Some people just never learn. Some people would rather be assholes and say or act somewhat abusively to puff up their own sense of "power" than be kind, forgiving, and compassionate. I've encountered this same M.O. from a few other individuals over the years and while in the past I felt very emotionally wounded by this kind of viciousness (for lack of a better description or interpretation), I quickly bounced back from this particular incident tonight. I was shocked and slightly upset by the unexpected harsh words for a short time, but in the overall scheme of things I chose to not take it personally nor embrace his words as truth or reality.

This is is what I have learned from the best unkind "teachers:" Life is too short to hold onto the bullshit. I don't know about you, but I'd rather hold onto the good: kindness, love, compassion, gratitude, peace, and self-acceptance.

With that said, I'd like to make a shout-out to all the assholes that have been a part of my life. Thank you very much for teaching me to not be like you.

Along the axis of Time

If time was relative to a particular person, place, or situation.....would we go about our lives any differently? Would we feel more free to do as we please or more anxiety if the concept of "future" did not exist in our minds? Would our relationships be more meaningful or would we feel hopeless that anything could change without the passage of time? Would our mental health be better with no memory of painful events from our past? What if time wasn't constant but broken up into episodes with the ability to hit 'pause' buttons in between? What if there was nothing to 'measure' time? Would we be more productive? Would we be more creative and carefree....or lazy with no goals, nothing to show for? Would we experience beauty more vividly and more appreciation if time was a quality and not a quantity?

Such questions are asked by Alan Lightman in "Einstein's Dreams," an incredibly beautiful poetic novel that curiously and creatively explores the precious value of 'time' in our lives. A good friend of mine suggested this book to me years ago and I finally got around to reading it. I'm glad I did as it is by far the best fiction novel I've ever read. It touched me deeply on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. It's resonated with me on such a visceral level that I'm having a difficult time articulating it into words.

Coincidentally enough, I started reading the book as 'time' became more present on my mind and in my life....though more from a negative standpoint. I've been feeling annoyed and pissed off at Time these last few months, particularly when it comes to time zones (don't even get me started on how challenging it is to coordinate talking on the phone with family and friends because of this pesky concept) and that feeling of constantly being busy yet not having enough Time to do all that I would like to do....or Time to 'just be.' Or the yearning to hit the 'rewind' button and relive those past episodes with the knowledge (from the future) that I will not see a particular person in a year's time because he will have died by then, thus savoring every moment with him. This excerpt from "Einstein's Dreams" resonates so true:  "In a world without future, each parting of friends is a death. In a world without future, each loneliness is final. In a world without future, each laugh is the last laugh. In a world without future, beyond the present lies nothingness, and people cling to the present as if hanging from a cliff."

I cannot recommend this book enough. I'd even go so far as to say it should be required reading. The world might be a little brighter and joyful if people took these concepts to heart and somehow integrated it into living a meaningful and purposeful life....

Here's a teaser of my favorite excerpts:

"In a world where time is a sense, like sight or like taste, a sequence of episodes may be quick or may be slow, dim or intense, salty or sweet, causal or without cause, orderly or random, depending on the prior history of the viewer." 

"Suppose that time is not a quantity but a quality, like the luminescence of the night above the trees just when a rising moon has touched the treeline. Time exists, but it cannot be measured."

"In a world where time cannot be measured, there are no clocks, no calendars, no definite appointments. Events are triggered by other events, not by time."

"In a world where time is a quality, events are recorded by the color of the sky, the tone of the boatman's call on the Aare, the feeling or happiness or fear when a person comes into a room. The birth of a baby, the patent of an invention, the meeting of two people are not fixed points in time, held down by hours and minutes. Instead, events glide through the space of imagination, materialized by a look, a desire. Likewise, the time between two events is long or short, depending on the background of contrasting events, the intensity of illumination, the degree of light and shadow, the view of the participants."

"In this world, time is a visible dimension. Just as one may looks off in the distance and see houses, trees, mountain peaks that are landmarks in space, so one may look out in another direction and see births, marriages, deaths that are signposts in time, stretching off dimly in the far future. And just as one may choose whether to stay in one place or run to another, so one may choose his motion along the axis of time. Some people fear traveling far from a comfortable moment. They remain close to one temporal location, barely crawling past a familiar occasion. Others gallop recklessly into the future, without preparation for the rapid sequence of passing events."

What have you done/what are you doing/what would you like to do with this powerful and beautiful Time?

Trust: the "faith" of relationships?

There are numerous reasons I could list on why not to trust someone, but I'm more curious to ponder the opposite: What is it that drives one to take the blind leap of faith and choose to trust another human being? Is it dependent upon the relational dynamic? Is it easier or harder to trust an individual vs. a group entity? Are we more likely to trust others with our secrets, feelings, passions? How much trust do we invest when it comes to trusting someone with our life, fidelity, money?

These are questions I've been pondering since I watched the Martin Scorsese movie "Casino" last night. Throughout the movie, I noticed and found it funny that characters repeatedly (and emphatically) made comments about needing to be able to trust one of the other characters....funny because it's a movie that centers around the mob and  there's major underlying deception going on among multiple characters. As much as they can hold their own in certain situations, the ultimate downfall is that the characters chose to trust when it wasn't in their best interest to do so. And the price for trust? Loss of money, loss of mental sanity, loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of life. With so much at stake, why do they trust? Why do any of us trust?

Perhaps trust is to relationships what faith is to religion....belief in something "higher" or better despite the unknown lurking in the shadows. A yearning for connection on an intimate level (whether with a friend, lover, or spouse) overpowers the risk it takes to trust and the consequences that may unfold as a result of that trust. Could it be that we would rather see the humanity in each other than be jaded and completely closed off? Maybe there's hope for humanity after all. Or so I trust.

Closeted free spirit

 Photo taken by me, Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest, August 2012.


It's funny how you think you know yourself well....but then one particular day, week, or month comes along to reveal something about yourself you had not noticed before. All this time you gravitated to and admired others that had this special presence about them, not even recognizing maybe the reason is because deep down....you are just like them.

Travelers. Independent thinkers. Unconventional lifestyles that go against the grain of the status quo. Intelligent. Quirky. Friendly and approachable. Walking contradiction. Incredibly curious. Spontaneous. Worldly in one way or another. Crave meaningful experiences and people, no matter how fleeting. Love learning. Open-minded. Dare to be different. Creative. Explorers. Seek adventure. Challenge themselves mentally and physically. Take risks. Usually fearless. Compassionate. Appreciate both the simplicities and complexities of life.

Go ahead. Admit it.

You're a closeted free spirit.

Going my own Way

(Photo taken by me, near the Arboretum, Sept. 2011)

For my senior year high school English class, students were required to pick a novel of their choice and then write an analysis paper about it. While I can't recall the various book selections we were given as examples to choose from, I do remember thinking that I did not want to choose a book that everyone else would pick or one that I knew too much about....though if you asked me at the time, I doubt I'd be able to articulate why. As I scanned the page, few options stood out in my mind. Or rather one in particular. My eyes curiously wandered to Herman Hesse's "Siddhartha." "What is this about?" I thought. And so began my discovery of Buddhism and more so, the beginning of my own self-discovery.

I suppose I had started going my own way prior to reading "Siddhartha" senior year, though it wasn't until that moment that it was brought to my awareness that my path in life has always been different than 'everyone else.' And for the first time I realized this was a good thing. It comforted me, inspired me, and pushed me forward. Suddenly being different and apart from the crowd was a strength, a sign of growth and the embodiment of genuine enlightenment.Western religion has never done that for me. Ever.

When times get tough and the road feels lonely, I find myself going back to Eastern philosophy time and again. Buddhism. The Tao Te Ching. The works of the spiritual mystic Osho. The wisdom, compassion, and non-judgmental encouragement of finding one's own way pours into me and through me. The paradox is actually quite hilarious when I think about it, at least for me. So many fearful people blindly following a religious path that really isn't their own, just words of everyone else because...it's easier?! But it's not. The same individuals are fearful of having their own unique perceptions and feelings, especially what choices to make with them. The last thing they want to do is think about them, yet going your own Way is the first step on the path to understanding, freedom, and growth.

Recently, a friend of mine kindly and unexpectedly mailed a book to me. "Path of Compassion: Stories from the Buddha's Life." I'm slowly savoring each chapter like a child comforted by nightly bedtime stories. I feel both alone and not alone reading the courageous journey of Siddhartha, boldly embracing the judgments of loved ones and strangers alike. Most of all, I'm comforted and inspired by his letting go of external pressures of what they want him to say or do (ie, their own agenda) in favor of going his own way...not only for himself, but also for the greater good.

And with this, I am reminded (again) to continue...going my own way.

Self-discovery

Do you partake in the art of self-discovery? I do....as much as possible and the more unpredictable/unexpected, the better I am for it. I think that if society encouraged individuals to pursue a life of positive self-discovery (versus reinforcing the current mentality of fear and narcissism) we would be living in a drastically different world. If we listen to everyone else but ourselves, we may easily freak out and shy away from the very things that could make us blossom on the inside and outside. Yet sadly, this is the norm. It's more the exception than the rule to hear or see someone letting go of control in favor of the risk of exploring the unknown with a curious spirit. I'd like to think I'm one of the exceptions. One of the best compliments I've received recently was from a close and dear friend reflecting back to me the positive value I place on my own self-discovery. As Gandhi has said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If I would like others to incorporate this into their lives, I must emulate it through my own experiences.

The key to self-discovery is being open and spontaneous to what that might look like. You may be surprised to find yourself learning and experiencing things you never saw yourself doing a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago, or pretty much ever! Within these unexpected experiences there is potential for growth, joy, and feeling fully in the present moment. It is impossible to ruminate on the past or dwell on the uncertainty of the future when all of your senses are engaged in what's going on right now. So take a class that sounds remotely intriguing or fun. Take a road trip or vacation to a place you've always wanted to go....by yourself! Take a risk of possibly making yourself look "stupid" or "crazy" by trying something you might fail or do terribly....because there's a greater chance you will lose your inhibitions, feel energized, and maybe even bring out a badass side of yourself you didn't even know existed.

Discard the usual suspects of fear, embarrassment, guilt, shame and procrastination. Push yourself out of a stagnant comfort zone and into the zone of self-discovery.

P.A.S.S.I.O.N.

(Photo taken by me, April 2011)

Positive
Absorbing
Satisfying
Surrendering
Ideal
Open
Nowness

I find when I'm having those moments (or days, weeks, even months) where I'm feeling particular things in life seem insurmountable or difficult to change, it's helpful to bring my focus back to something that can balance out my mood, even if just for a little while.

There are some things within our control and some things that are obviously not within our control. We don't know what will come of our jobs, our health, our relationships, or even the physical environment around us. What we can become aware of, cultivate, and pursue with pleasantly reckless abandon? P.A.S.S.I.O.N.

Passion was instilled within me from a very early age, without me even realizing it until my adulthood (upon reflection). My first passion? Reading and books. Pretty sure I was reading by osmosis in utero via any and all books resting on my mom's pregnant belly during those nine months. Reading is a comforting and sometimes inspiring constant, the one activity that always improves my mood even when the stuff I can't control (ie, aforementioned jobs, relationships, health, what's going on around me) gets to me. Buying books, smelling the pages of new or old books, reading and talking about books with like-minded people, holding books, reading books, giving books to friends, giving book recommendations to anyone and everyone, and holding on to my favorite books on bookshelves. This is what I do as often as possible.

My other passions? Writing (obviously), photography, traveling, learning and challenging myself in new ways (personally and professionally), and most recently the beautiful and intoxicating art of dance.

What fascinates me most about passion is that it offers the opportunity for short-term and long-term satisfaction. A passion can last a lifetime or it can appear spontaneously for just a season. A passion can resonate with you at a young age or show up in older age. A passion may strongly reflect who you are at the core or merely serve as a snapshot of a side of yourself you didn't even know existed. In essence, passion is positive, absorbing, satisfying, surrendering, ideal, being open and in the now.

What are your passions? Are you pursuing them?

If you weren't you

I kept thinking about you, that one conversation sinking in my mind as I went through the motions of my day.

I played the what-could-have-beens and what-ifs in my head.

What if you weren't you?

What if all the shitty things that happened to you made you this endearing and perfectly flawed person?

You're the one that pisses me off (but not for long) and drives me crazy (always), the one that appreciates intellectual stimulation, the one with whom I enjoy witty banter, the one who makes me laugh, and you're the one I wish could see yourself as I see you.

Half the time I don't understand you, can't figure you out.

Drawn to your battle scars, made privy to your inner sanctum....

You never bore me. I come back for more, as do you with me...for the same reasons?

And in those moments where I've resigned myself to taking your words at face value, you show that rare softer side.

I like you most when you're raw and real in all your messed up, beautiful glory.

The side you hide is the one that I most want to see, and I savor it like it's a present you've saved just for me....or so I tell myself as I smile and think about all those things you just said.

Things on the precipice of your thoughts, your tongue, your heart. You.

The you I wouldn't know, wouldn't see, wouldn't admire

...if you weren't you.

*ADVENTURE*

(Photo at left taken by me: Alki Beach in Seattle, June 2010)

Do you ever wish you could go back to a time in your life when things felt more exciting, full of adventure, spontaneity, and just a hint of crazy goodness? Does a certain place bring this out in us or is it a sign of youth vs. getting older?

What if we are capable of being adventurous, and just choose to or not to be?

I have been pondering this quite a bit lately. Most recently, I was thinking that my life has been feeling pretty boring since I moved to Seattle and chalked it up to mainly not having formed solid friendships in the area thus far....as well as being at a different place in my life than most of my friends (ie, most are married and having/had kids). But now I'm starting to feel it goes beyond that.

I realized last night (while I was having an experience new to me) that perhaps it has more to do with being presented with and/or seizing opportunities that have the capacity to allow one's adventurous side to reveal itself. Maybe it's also about finding other people who we can push our comfort zones with to try new things with an adventurous spirit.

I could be wrong, but it has been my observation that this is a rare quality I have come across (or rather, not come across) in people I know, have relationships with,etc. Or if I do know people who have this capability, they're not being transparent about it. I told my friend June last night she's the only adventurous person I have met (so far) since I moved to Seattle. While I can certainly cultivate my own adventurous side by myself, there's something to be said about the dynamic being stronger when you're with another person/group to really draw this out...or so I feel.

Why aren't more people pursuing the intriguing thrill of the unknown, that juicy part of life that connects us to something deeper and can reveal to ourselves the magnitude of our confidence, our sensual/erotic side, our inner growth? Are people that afraid to learn about the mysteries of life, the "taboos," themselves? If this is the case, how incredibly sad. I am grateful I am not this way, if this really is the case.

When I was younger, I used to yearn for a sense of belonging. I never fit in with popular social circles in school...or even in my own family (I felt like the displaced/invisible family member starting at a very young age). There were a myriad of aspects in which I always felt different.

I was never thin or athletic. I was never a fashionista or a girly girl (though can't say I ever wanted to be anyway, hahaha). I was the new girl at school more often than I'd have liked, moving frequently during my formative years. I was a bookworm. I listened and observed. I loved learning. I was open-minded. I yearned to really know people beyond the surface level. I couldn't understand why people engaged in small talk (boring!!!!) rather than more worthwhile topics of conversation. I more often than not felt frustrated, depressed, and angry that I couldn't find people that shared some of these qualities that made me so unique/"cursed."

It is only with the eyes of a 32 year old that I can smile with gratitude for these early experiences. For what was once a curse is now an absolute blessing. I don't want to belong anymore. Paradoxically, I find myself yearning for and seeking out experiences that will bring out that very feeling in me...but in a liberating and confident way.

The way I see it, how much can we learn about the world and ourselves if we surround ourselves with the status quo, with dogma? How can we know our inner world if our outer environment is routine and stagnant?

If we are curious about something we know nothing about and have some anxiety about doing/learning about it simply because it is completely foreign to us (or maybe there is a fear of what other people will think of us), this is likely a sign to explore the unknown. Learn about yourself. You may be pleasantly surprised and refreshed with what you discover. I think society and the media drill such fear into us, playing out stereotypes and negativity. Why does something thrilling, exciting, bold, juicy, and adventurous have to be perceived as "bad", "dark," "crazy," "dangerous," or just generally "threatening?" God forbid, we should encourage people to think for themselves and really know those secret/deeper aspects of themselves....

Without such new and unknown experiences, I wouldn't know how confident and comfortable I have become in my skin. I wouldn't know just how little I genuinely care what other people think of me when it comes to me not compromising who I am at the expense of having relationships with others. I wouldn't know what freedom and independence feels like. I wouldn't know how to transcend my fears, my preconceived judgments, my ignorance. I wouldn't truly know how capable I am of 'holding my own' in divergent situations and relationships. I wouldn't discover fun and intriguing things I now want to try that I didn't even realize I wanted to try in the past!

Without them, I wouldn't feel truly alive.

Why?

Why is it that when you stop caring what people think, they suddenly respect you or are somewhat drawn to you more than before? Does confidence hold that much power?

Why is it that you can be consistently kind and generous in character towards others, yet be ignored and unappreciated....until one day suddenly these individuals reciprocate with kindness, generosity, and appreciation? You have been the same all along, but perhaps they have changed?

Why do we choose to share what we share with others (about ourselves)? Is there a fine line between telling people too much and not enough? How much of our lives do we compartmentalize to make ourselves look good according to the relationship we have with a particular person (ie, friend, family member, colleague, lover, spouse)? What if how well someone knows us is dictated more by how much interest others show in wanting to really know us on an intimate vs. superficial level?

Why is it that most of the people who say they "love" us barely know the things about us that really matter?

Why do we play into dysfunctional patterns with family members if we know it's dysfunctional? Is it because we would rather deal with the dysfunction than risk the possibility of conflict and not being liked? Or is it because we would rather hold onto idealistic hopes than to see the harsh, honest reality?

Why do we continue to have expectations of others for which not much can be expected?

Why is it that those who admire us most are the ones we usually admire the least?

Why can't people talk significantly less and listen significantly more?