Culture of a city

(Photo at left taken by me: Fremont Solstice Parade, June 2009)

I got to thinking about this last night while chatting online with a friend (after telling him about something I've noticed about the city in which I reside). It dawned on me that prevalent cultural interests or trends aren't just specific to countries or even just regions....they can extend to cities as well. I can only speak to the city I am getting to know quite well, but so far it has me wondering how the culture of a city can influence one's personality ( a city as being more liberal vs. conservative, friendly vs. standoffish, earth conscious vs. wasteful/toxic, intelligent vs. dumbed down...and the list goes on and on). How much more (or less) inhibited may we become in regard to self-expression depending on where we are living?

In the time I have lived in Seattle thus far, I have seen, heard, and done things I had not done before while living in Chicago...mainly because Seattle has presented cultural opportunities not offered in Chicago. Before I moved, I perceived Seattle to be a city very much like Chicago...at least in regard to the liberal arts, intelligence, education,etc. But after having lived here two years, I am noticing how very very liberal it is here....so much so that it almost makes Chicago look like a prude city.

Since living here, I have gone to a solstice parade (which includes a feature of naked cyclists). I have observed marijuana to be a staple 'crop,' including in brownies. There's the annual celebration of HempFest. I have been to an erotic arts festival. I have gone dancing at an all lesbian bar/club. I am also starting to learn about a widespread popularity in the alternative lifestyle of "polyamory" (which I really need to learn more about for my work with clients who are into this just to understand its concepts and practices). I recycle because it's expected here. I'm surrounded by people who love, respect and spend oodles of time in nature (national parks, beaches, mountains). I've also noticed a majority of the population here has a better vocabulary than anywhere else I've lived. Even a 12 year old the other day used the word "offensive" while conversing with me (I almost fell out of my chair in proud astonishment)! These are all things I never even remotely came across while living in another major city.

Last weekend when I was dancing with my friend, I told her that I had a feeling Seattle would bring out my confidence/take away my inhibitions. She didn't seem to think it had anything to do with Seattle.....but I do. When you're surrounded by very very liberal people (for someone who is already of a liberal mindset, like myself), what's the likelihood that you're going to become very very conservative? Not likely. You either find yourself drawn to the norm, or you stay away from it.

Who I am won't change completely, but the aspects of myself that are yearning to be expressed? The culture of this city may just make it all the more likely.

*ADVENTURE*

(Photo at left taken by me: Alki Beach in Seattle, June 2010)

Do you ever wish you could go back to a time in your life when things felt more exciting, full of adventure, spontaneity, and just a hint of crazy goodness? Does a certain place bring this out in us or is it a sign of youth vs. getting older?

What if we are capable of being adventurous, and just choose to or not to be?

I have been pondering this quite a bit lately. Most recently, I was thinking that my life has been feeling pretty boring since I moved to Seattle and chalked it up to mainly not having formed solid friendships in the area thus far....as well as being at a different place in my life than most of my friends (ie, most are married and having/had kids). But now I'm starting to feel it goes beyond that.

I realized last night (while I was having an experience new to me) that perhaps it has more to do with being presented with and/or seizing opportunities that have the capacity to allow one's adventurous side to reveal itself. Maybe it's also about finding other people who we can push our comfort zones with to try new things with an adventurous spirit.

I could be wrong, but it has been my observation that this is a rare quality I have come across (or rather, not come across) in people I know, have relationships with,etc. Or if I do know people who have this capability, they're not being transparent about it. I told my friend June last night she's the only adventurous person I have met (so far) since I moved to Seattle. While I can certainly cultivate my own adventurous side by myself, there's something to be said about the dynamic being stronger when you're with another person/group to really draw this out...or so I feel.

Why aren't more people pursuing the intriguing thrill of the unknown, that juicy part of life that connects us to something deeper and can reveal to ourselves the magnitude of our confidence, our sensual/erotic side, our inner growth? Are people that afraid to learn about the mysteries of life, the "taboos," themselves? If this is the case, how incredibly sad. I am grateful I am not this way, if this really is the case.

When I was younger, I used to yearn for a sense of belonging. I never fit in with popular social circles in school...or even in my own family (I felt like the displaced/invisible family member starting at a very young age). There were a myriad of aspects in which I always felt different.

I was never thin or athletic. I was never a fashionista or a girly girl (though can't say I ever wanted to be anyway, hahaha). I was the new girl at school more often than I'd have liked, moving frequently during my formative years. I was a bookworm. I listened and observed. I loved learning. I was open-minded. I yearned to really know people beyond the surface level. I couldn't understand why people engaged in small talk (boring!!!!) rather than more worthwhile topics of conversation. I more often than not felt frustrated, depressed, and angry that I couldn't find people that shared some of these qualities that made me so unique/"cursed."

It is only with the eyes of a 32 year old that I can smile with gratitude for these early experiences. For what was once a curse is now an absolute blessing. I don't want to belong anymore. Paradoxically, I find myself yearning for and seeking out experiences that will bring out that very feeling in me...but in a liberating and confident way.

The way I see it, how much can we learn about the world and ourselves if we surround ourselves with the status quo, with dogma? How can we know our inner world if our outer environment is routine and stagnant?

If we are curious about something we know nothing about and have some anxiety about doing/learning about it simply because it is completely foreign to us (or maybe there is a fear of what other people will think of us), this is likely a sign to explore the unknown. Learn about yourself. You may be pleasantly surprised and refreshed with what you discover. I think society and the media drill such fear into us, playing out stereotypes and negativity. Why does something thrilling, exciting, bold, juicy, and adventurous have to be perceived as "bad", "dark," "crazy," "dangerous," or just generally "threatening?" God forbid, we should encourage people to think for themselves and really know those secret/deeper aspects of themselves....

Without such new and unknown experiences, I wouldn't know how confident and comfortable I have become in my skin. I wouldn't know just how little I genuinely care what other people think of me when it comes to me not compromising who I am at the expense of having relationships with others. I wouldn't know what freedom and independence feels like. I wouldn't know how to transcend my fears, my preconceived judgments, my ignorance. I wouldn't truly know how capable I am of 'holding my own' in divergent situations and relationships. I wouldn't discover fun and intriguing things I now want to try that I didn't even realize I wanted to try in the past!

Without them, I wouldn't feel truly alive.

The In Between Crisis

There's the teen angst phase, the quarter-life crisis, and the midlife crisis. But what about the crisis that comes between one's 20's and 40's....thirty-somethings who experience something of a cross between the two (ie, the 20something's feeling of not knowing what's in store for the future, yet the 40something's feeling that your life is starting to feel like a succession of boring moments and monotony)?

Is there a name for the thirty-something who experiences THIS kind of life stage crisis? Granted, we can't expect our lives to always be exploding with excitement....but when you can't remember the last time you felt even a modicum of adventure and crazy spontaneity, what does that reflect about your inner and outer life?

I remember reading something in grad school about how there are two Chinese characters for the word 'crisis,' one representing 'danger' and the other 'opportunity.' If we have a choice in how to respond when a 'crisis' presents itself in our lives, how do we embrace 'opportunity' in lieu of the unwanted alternative?

Post-partum friendships: the great divide

Every time a close female friend of mine is pregnant/has a baby, I get to thinking about what I have come to experience in an almost textbook way....what I shall call 'the great divide.'

Let's rewind to the days when my close female friends were single, even just newly married. There was once long conversations ranging from witty to serious, covering anything from worldly topics to mundane, silly, or idiotic stuff we've done. We would hang out, laugh, drink, and just generally...bond.

When my friends started getting married, it was weird enough to think of them as 'married.' It seemed like there was this invisible wall that separated single me from the coupled 'them.' It took some adjustment, but eventually I felt less of a sense of segregation the more friends I saw getting married. Perhaps it also made a difference that marriage didn't seem to change their personality much.

Pregnancy and motherhood, however, is a whole different ballpark. I feel awful for saying this, but I secretly have this weird sense of both happiness and sadness when I find out a friend is pregnant. I'm happy for my friend, without a doubt. From all that I've ever heard and observed, motherhood is this powerful and amazing experience. I even want to know the experiences my friend is having in her pregnancy, what it's like and welcome being an 'auntie' of sorts to this future child with excitement.

At the same time, my friendships are never the same after a child is in the picture. In a way, it's like my friend has "died." No longer is there hanging out, nor long conversations (if any at all) or shared experiences. I used to think maybe there was a part of me that was jealous, but I realized I wasn't....well, at least not jealous of having a baby. The thought of giving birth to a child still frightens the bejesus out of me.

What I'm jealous of is the feeling that I'm missing out on a shared collective experience amongst my female friends who are mothers. They start gravitating (and naturally/understandably so) towards their female friends who DO have kids/are mothers. They swap pregnancy and motherhood stories, a unique bonding all its own. Since I don't meet that criteria, I am not given a second glance. In a way, it feels like an elite members only country club. Sometimes I wonder if it would feel differently if I were also married and expecting....

The more life stages/roles that aren't parallel to a friend's, it's my experience that the more distant our friendship becomes. It's sad to think that the power of bonding in my female friendships is strongly dependent upon shared life experiences. Given that I'm single and childless, I'm shit out of luck because I have no way to 'catch up' and salvage the kind of bond I had once before with these women.

I will always love my friends (child or no child), but I can't deny 'the great divide' exists even if it's the elephant in the room that no one wants to admit is certainly the reality in post-partum friendships. What's worse is that I can never tell my friends this because I don't think they would understand....just as I don't understand how this little human being has changed their world so drastically as to make my interactions with them feel less meaningful than they were pre-partum. They also might think I'm being selfish. And maybe I am, but why shouldn't I be when (at this stage of my life) my friends are all I've got?

I wonder if single men feel the same way in their friendships with men who are fathers. Maybe. But probably not (just my hunch). Sometimes I wish I were a man. I'm sure no guy is brooding about this topic on a blog after 10:00 on a Saturday night....

A man's fateful poison

(A poem I wrote, June 10, 2005)

He drowns in a pitch black park of familiar faces just to escape his own

Cannot feel except the damp tears drying on his sunken cheeks

He tightens his grip on the liquid eraser that promises at least six hours of blurry vision, but not enough hours in the night to help him forget the finality of someone who was gone long before his death.

"He didn't hit me or anything. He just didn't care."

Then you wished he hit you instead, as if violence were a warped way of showing he cared and loved you.

He thinks death follows him. Who could be next?

The grim reaper creeps behind him, hiding his face behind a morbid glare.

Reluctant and heavy with sorrow, he keeps from his world those who could be close.

If not for the fear of the black hooded creature taking away the only ones that matter

He might be able to take off his own armor....

"I Remember..."

(An excerpt from one of my journals, June 2005....this was an exercise suggested in a creative writing book to help jog memories of your life)

I remember our annoying loud bird Fred (Dad was surprised I remember him and says I have a "good memory") and I remember biting into a small donut that turned out to be a rumball when I was 11 or 12---I spit it out! I remember talking on the phone with my grandmother and having to pee so bad by the time I was able to get off the phone with her because she liked to talk for so long!

I remember my first unofficial job at 15 at the Dairy Queen in North Carolina and turning the banana filled blizzard upside down and it spilling all over the counter because no one told me you can't turn the ones with bananas in them upside down (no thick consistency to hold it together). I remember feeling grateful that Mom took us away from Derry, New Hampshire (aka Hicktown, USA) to live in other places to give Alex and I perspective in life.

I remember helping Nicole push her car down the hill around the corner to the gas station when the car completely ran out of gas. I remember Nicole and I driving over to a cemetary in San Marcos after we watched the creepy "What Lies Beneath" at the movie theater. I remember Skip brushing his teeth every day after lunch when I worked at the computer lab in the Health building at SWT.

I remember giving a poem to Anita that I had written to put on her boyfriend Dave's car that he ended up liking very much. I remember getting pizza sauce on my dress when Dad took me to Papa Gino's when I was probably 5 or 6 in Derry and we didn't want Mom to find out because she'd be mad. I don't know if she did....

I remember Todd loving the poem I wrote about his daughter Brittney. I remember how boring of a date my "fantasy" high school crush was, how reality shattered the more intriguing illusion.

I remember speaking in front of everyone at my grandfather's funeral, but I can't remember what I said. I remember my former stepfather and I sitting at a table at Lake Travis in Austin discussing my fear that he would never talk to me again once he started his new life in England with Debbie (the woman he fucked on a kitchen table apparently) and how he said "that won't happen"....and it did.

I remember how excited and scared I felt when I was about to "drop" from the high in the air freefall ride at Great America last summer with the Rice crew. I remember Keith from Rice asking me if I thought he was "smart and handsome" and wanting to laugh at how he asked me such a question.

I remember reading the first book that changed my life when I was in my apartment on campus at SWT living with my first roomate Kim: "Man's Search for Meaning." I remember one of the few good dates I had was with Chris (church boy) that I worked with at Kroger---lunch at La Madeleine in Kingwood and good conversation. I also remember Christian (also from Kroger) talking about his toe fungus. Why? I guess he thought it would be a turn-on? Sadly mistaken.

Why?

Why is it that when you stop caring what people think, they suddenly respect you or are somewhat drawn to you more than before? Does confidence hold that much power?

Why is it that you can be consistently kind and generous in character towards others, yet be ignored and unappreciated....until one day suddenly these individuals reciprocate with kindness, generosity, and appreciation? You have been the same all along, but perhaps they have changed?

Why do we choose to share what we share with others (about ourselves)? Is there a fine line between telling people too much and not enough? How much of our lives do we compartmentalize to make ourselves look good according to the relationship we have with a particular person (ie, friend, family member, colleague, lover, spouse)? What if how well someone knows us is dictated more by how much interest others show in wanting to really know us on an intimate vs. superficial level?

Why is it that most of the people who say they "love" us barely know the things about us that really matter?

Why do we play into dysfunctional patterns with family members if we know it's dysfunctional? Is it because we would rather deal with the dysfunction than risk the possibility of conflict and not being liked? Or is it because we would rather hold onto idealistic hopes than to see the harsh, honest reality?

Why do we continue to have expectations of others for which not much can be expected?

Why is it that those who admire us most are the ones we usually admire the least?

Why can't people talk significantly less and listen significantly more?