Retrain the brain

The running theme for me this year: Re-train your brain. It's been challenging at times, but it has served me well and has reinforced my belief that the mind can facilitate a powerful process as well as  a powerful outcome with an adequate dose of self-discipline and curiosity.

The big one for me started just a few days before the new year of 2017. I had seen a friend post on social media here and there about this thing she was doing called Whole 30. The photos she would post of her meals looked delicious and healthy. I became curious to learn what this was all about, so with my Barnes and Noble gift cards in tow I scooped up "It Starts With Food" and a Whole 30 cookbook. I read the former within a few days time and impulsively made a decision to commit to 30 days of gluten-free, dairy-free, legume-free, corn-free, alcohol-free, and sugar-free (sans fruit) for 30 days in the month of January.

I mainly wanted to see if I could do it and if I would feel differently on a whole foods diet. It sounds silly, but it was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done. It required a self-discipline on a more challenging level as I had to constantly be aware of the foods I was picking and if I bought something that was already made I had to check the ingredient labels....and boy, was I surprised to see sugar in SO many products. No wonder we have an obesity crisis in the US. I had to learn to cook different foods. I had to get through some tough food cravings (including referring to my "relapse prevention"reminder list, especially every Friday...my "trigger" night of the week). Most importantly, I had to retrain my brain regarding my relationship with food.

And yes, I did make it the whole 30 days, plus the extra days of gradually reintroducing all the things I went without for that month. While I definitely don't want to eat this way as a lifestyle every day for every meal, I've incorporated it into healthier food habits and have continued to make Whole 30 meals more often than not since the beginning of this year. I also do something I never used to do before....I may eat something unhealthy, but only a little bit of it and then throw the rest away. Novel concept for this gal. I've retrained my brain to be mindful that I don't have to feel guilty about not finishing food and I also don't need to eat until I feel too full...only until I'm satiated. (Now if I could just retrain my brain to not crave chocolate so much...)

The other big conscious decision that I slowly eased into this year? Retraining my brain regarding my miserable anxiety laden relationship with my "smart" phone.I'm starting to think that calling our phones "smart" only makes us more dumb. Until the tech empire changes its mindset though, I need to change mine. Over the past year or two, Facebook and I have grown apart. Facebook became too self-absorbed, leaving me feeling incredibly disconnected. It started to feel like an abusive relationship in that the relationship isolates you from everyone else in your life and one day you wake up realizing you have no one else because you're so controlled by the relationship. Facebook was my abuser and I prepared myself to leave. Like so many victims of abuse, it took some time to figure out how I was going to leave, when I was going to leave, and uncertainty as to whether I would go back only to leave again. I would leave for a week or two here and there, but it's only been since September that I've been separated from Facebook this long: almost 2 months. 

It felt strange at first, but I feel like I'm getting the real me back. Every day I look around me and see so many people chained to their "smart" phone. I feel sad and angry when I see this as I wonder how much they are missing what is going on around them as well as within due to their technological addictions....beauty, real humans in front of them, their own minds. During my "detox" from my unhealthy relationship with Facebook and by extension my phone, my anxiety decreased dramatically and my ability to be in the moment increased substantially. I've been reading more books (if that's even insanely possible for me), thinking and reflecting more, and even starting to get my motivation and drive back for writing (something I haven't done in 3-4 years, except the occasional book review). 

If you want a more fulfilling and/or better quality of life, ask yourself what is most important and most helpful for creating a healthier, happier, more meaningful life for yourself. Then retrain your brain with some mental gymnastics and some gentle/mental stretching. I promise you it is worth the initial struggle. 

5K

Plenty of sleep? Check.
Protein for breakfast? Check.
Mental determination? Double check.

I awoke this morning a little before 7am to get ready for my very first 5K run. A bit intimidated and unsure about how this experience would turn out, but I was most excited to see how far I've come in the last 13 months....

You see, I have never been athletic or into fitness...not really. I didn't regularly exercise until I was in college and graduate school. Even then, it wasn't something I made an absolute priority. I was more concerned with weight loss back then; it was my only motivation.

My whole life I have struggled with weight issues and so I have always associated exercise as a necessary 'evil' towards reaching the physical ideal. I would do some cardio to 'get it out of the way' and move on to the next thing on my 'to do' list. Exercise wasn't a mindful activity or something pleasant I looked forward to doing.

It wasn't until January 2010 that I made a stronger commitment...to that of fitness. While I still would like to lose weight (and have been/still am), I have learned these last 13 months that being healthy and having strong muscles is more important than what the numbers tell me when I step on a scale. I have learned so many things since I started going to a gym and working with a trainer....plyometrics (strength training), weight training, different kinds of dance, how to push myself a little harder each time so I'm always tricking my body/prevent from hitting a plateau, and the importance of stretching. And muscle weighs more than fat, don't forget! Pay attention to how your clothes feel as you lose inches of body fat, not water weight!

Sometimes I go running outside in my neighborhood or on the treadmills in the gym, but I've never done a race of any sort. I always thought that was just for 'real runners'.....which is why I was a bit nervous and intimidated about my first 5K today. And I ended up totally rocking it! Who knew!

I arrived early so that I could get a parking spot since I heard there were 3,000 people expected to be participating. With my fingers crossed for the sky to be rain and wind free, I walked onto the path of the lake searching for signs of the 'start' area. I didn't see any signs.

As I was listening to my ipod and holding a banana in my right hand, I saw out of the corner of my eye this pigtailed young woman wearing a blue Jingle Bell Run tshirt waving her hands at me. I pulled the headphones out of my ears and approached her. She saw that I was wearing a Valentine's Day Dash Love 'Em or Leave 'Em shirt and thought maybe I knew where we were supposed to go, but I didn't know either. We chatted briefly and heard from someone else that the registration area was at the boathouse, which was probably 1.5 miles away from where we were standing on Green Lake. It was 45 minutes before race time, so I leisurely walked as I ate my banana and headed towards the 'start' area. Fortunately, the weather was great....in the 40's and partly sunny, no wind.

15 minutes prior to start time, I was waiting in line for the women's restroom and this woman behind me started talking with me for a few minutes. She looked to be in her early 50's and mentioned this was her first race. "My daughter runs marathons, but she couldn't be here today because she has to take care of her 3 year old son." I told her it was my first race as well. She went on to tell me how she's been in a relationship that she's not sure whether to stay in or leave. "So this race is kinda symbolic for you?" I inquired. "Well, good luck!," I added.

"You too!" she said.

I've wondered how in races everyone can start at the same time when not everyone is near the starting line. I found out today. There were different mile markers of where to stand, depending on how fast you think you can run in minutes per mile. It started with 6-7 minutes and went all the way up to 13. I'm not a fast runner, so I went to the 13 minute marker. I honestly didn't care about being fast. Endurance was my main focus. For me, it was more important to run at a moderate pace and not get tired. I was determined to not walk AT ALL...and I didn't! (I usually have to stop and walk at some point when I'm running by myself)

What I liked about this race was that there were people of all ages and fitness levels. It took away the intimidation factor. I suddenly felt I belonged there, that I could do it successfully. And I did! I was in some kind of 'zone' and it felt amazing. I had my music going and it was as if time stopped...or either I felt no sense of time as I ran. It felt like I just started running and before I knew it, I was done (34:04...not bad for a first timer!). Didn't feel long at all, or even hard. It's true that 90% of it is mental. With that said, I can't wait for the next race.

Making fitness a lifestyle choice has had me reinvent myself in ways I could never fathom before, not to mention it's shown me how if you really set your mind to accomplishing something you CAN do it!!!

32

(Written on 12/16/09)

How often do we really allow ourselves to dream big and contemplate things (tangible and intangible) we really, really want for ourselves? I know I don't engage in this practice nearly as often as I could. It seems that birthdays and holidays are the only times I tend to be inspired, motivated or encouraged to really ponder this stuff....but what about the rest of the year, the bulk of what comprises one's overall quality of living life with the most joy, abundance, love, wisdom, laughter, growth, and possibility? I think it can be so easy for us as a society to judge or complain about what we DON'T want, maybe because the message we may receive from others is that we are somehow unworthy (not rich enough, not thin enough, not beautiful enough, smart enough, talented enough, ad infinitum) or being selfish (instead of loving oneself in a healthy way). This is the "easy," yet unhappy way to believe.

For those that know me really well, however, you know that I tend to take the "harder," less traveled road (a reference to the great Robert Frost poem "A Road Less Traveled") because it is the journey to happiness...or at least my happiness. So in honor of me today (on my birthday), I have created a list of 32 wants and wishes for the next 12 months. Some wants and wishes are bigger than others, but one must always ALWAYS dream. :)

1. A Christmas bonus.

2. Finally get an iPod.

3. Lose 30-40 pounds.

4. Pay off an existing medical billl, as well as the bill for my laptop.

5. Scale down my credit card debt.

6. Slowly take steps to get private practice work going.

7. A gym membership so I can workout on a regular basis.

8. For my left leg to heal so I can take a Zumba or other hardcore dance class.

9. Finish reading the 772 page novel "Brothers Karamazov."

10. Visit Carla, Matt, and the baby in Austin, Texas.

11. Go to Chicago and visit my friends.

12. Take a weekend getaway cruise to Alaska.

13. Visit Canada before my passport expires in October 2010.

14. Check out Mt. St. Helens.

15. Visit San Francisco/Melissa, Sam, and the baby.

16. Go on a hot air balloon ride.

17. Finally meet and have a relationship with the man out there I'm meant to marry.

18. Make at least one close friend in Seattle.

19. Go sledding with Tracy and Justin.

20. Take a cooking or photography class for fun.

21. Discipline myself to write regularly like I did a few years ago.

22. Take a Pilates class.

23. Go sailing (never done this before) with someone who has a sailboat.

24. Learn as much as I can about my Nikon so I can take even BETTER shots with it.

25. Visit a wine vineyard.

26. Donate blood, even though this scares the crap outta me (needles frighten me).

27. For Eddie and Rajiv (my best friends) to visit me in Seattle!!!!!!!

28. Increase in salary.

29. Go camping and hiking at Hoh/Olympic National Rainforest.

30. See more of the gorgeous Oregon coast.

31. To be appreciative of at least one thing every day.

32. Have MANY fun and spontaneous adventures.

Am I meant to be a therapist 'forever?'

I have been thinking about this off and on the past 24 hours. In an IM conversation with a friend last night, I was telling him how I don't think I could be a therapist for the rest of my life because I don't think I have the patience for it. Today, however, I realized it's not about an issue of patience. It's about an issue of independence, not to mention the time and energy for 'me' time.

I made somewhat of a spontaneous decision/goal for myself today and in a weird way, it gave me a sense of reassurance. Having just finished my SECOND day of my new counseling job, I already feel inundated with information and responsibilities, overwhelmed by the magnitude of this new role assigned to me. I know it's partially because I'm new and have SO much to learn as far as the computer program, daily operations, and learning all the requirements of caseload management. I realize alot of my anxiety will subside once I get in the swing of knowing what the hell I'm doing, but what if the bogged down feeling never goes away?

Agencies seem to be notorious for giving you more than you can reasonably (sanity wise) handle....because they can. It's like working at the bottom rung of a ladder: you don't have much power to be selective. You're forced to take what they give you and hope you don't fall prey to burnout. You know it's bad when you wish you could clone yourself, just so you can feel a relief that everything you need to do will get done.

See, being a therapist at an agency isn't just counseling. People typically tend to perceive counseling in the stereotypical ways portrayed in tv shows and movies. Scenes of therapists who have their own private practice office with posh couches where the client easily and effortlessly vents about their problems as the therapist (who is usually wearing glasses, I guess to look 'scholarly?') says some cliche' phrase whilst pensively waiting for the client to have some kind of insightful moment/say something pivotal. Ha! I wish it were that easy and simple sometimes!

What people don't know and/or understand is that there's case management bullshit that comes along with the job. Plus, the clientele aren't always the cream of the therapist's dream crop. They too are usually at the bottom rung of the ladder. I've learned that the saying 'you get what you pay for' couldn't be more true......

which is why I've decided that I am giving myself 2-3 years to figure out a clever way to get myself a job working independently (once I'm licensed, I plan on researching this top to bottom!) in a private practice setting.

If I do not, I have determined that I will reconsider my career path. Shocking? Not to me. Why? Because there is more to life than identifying myself with my work and I refuse to become a burnt out slave with no life outside of work (aka, a cranky and unhappy human being) and/or too exhausted to do anything but work. And I see that being a possibility if I don't somehow get the hell out of the agency arena.

I'm not sure what else I could do for work. I enjoy writing, but I don't know how I could turn that into a career...unless I became a journalist or write a book. Hmmm, any suggestions?

On a positive note, I do like the other therapists at work. It's weird to go from working independently (like at my last job) with my own office to a group setting of sharing one big office with 6 or 7 other therapists), but it is nice to have other therapists to talk to nearby. They (along with the receptionist) have been very kind and helpful with all my slightly frazzled questions and seem interested in wanting to get to know me too, which has been comforting.

I have my first session tomorrow. I'll be curious to see how it goes and as time goes on, how the clientele at this agency compare/contrast to those I worked with at my previous job (if they will be easier to work with, more difficult, or about the same). This factor may also influence how much I will enjoy this job.

When I found myself starting to get stressed out today (about all the shit I have yet to get done), I reassured myself that I am only one person and certain things take priority over others. Whatever I won't do today, will be there waiting for me on my desk tomorrow. Because it stays there. I don't take work home with me and I will not make it a habit of staying later than 5:00.

And that's the way it's gonna be. :)