Going my own Way

(Photo taken by me, near the Arboretum, Sept. 2011)

For my senior year high school English class, students were required to pick a novel of their choice and then write an analysis paper about it. While I can't recall the various book selections we were given as examples to choose from, I do remember thinking that I did not want to choose a book that everyone else would pick or one that I knew too much about....though if you asked me at the time, I doubt I'd be able to articulate why. As I scanned the page, few options stood out in my mind. Or rather one in particular. My eyes curiously wandered to Herman Hesse's "Siddhartha." "What is this about?" I thought. And so began my discovery of Buddhism and more so, the beginning of my own self-discovery.

I suppose I had started going my own way prior to reading "Siddhartha" senior year, though it wasn't until that moment that it was brought to my awareness that my path in life has always been different than 'everyone else.' And for the first time I realized this was a good thing. It comforted me, inspired me, and pushed me forward. Suddenly being different and apart from the crowd was a strength, a sign of growth and the embodiment of genuine enlightenment.Western religion has never done that for me. Ever.

When times get tough and the road feels lonely, I find myself going back to Eastern philosophy time and again. Buddhism. The Tao Te Ching. The works of the spiritual mystic Osho. The wisdom, compassion, and non-judgmental encouragement of finding one's own way pours into me and through me. The paradox is actually quite hilarious when I think about it, at least for me. So many fearful people blindly following a religious path that really isn't their own, just words of everyone else because...it's easier?! But it's not. The same individuals are fearful of having their own unique perceptions and feelings, especially what choices to make with them. The last thing they want to do is think about them, yet going your own Way is the first step on the path to understanding, freedom, and growth.

Recently, a friend of mine kindly and unexpectedly mailed a book to me. "Path of Compassion: Stories from the Buddha's Life." I'm slowly savoring each chapter like a child comforted by nightly bedtime stories. I feel both alone and not alone reading the courageous journey of Siddhartha, boldly embracing the judgments of loved ones and strangers alike. Most of all, I'm comforted and inspired by his letting go of external pressures of what they want him to say or do (ie, their own agenda) in favor of going his own way...not only for himself, but also for the greater good.

And with this, I am reminded (again) to continue...going my own way.

P.A.S.S.I.O.N.

(Photo taken by me, April 2011)

Positive
Absorbing
Satisfying
Surrendering
Ideal
Open
Nowness

I find when I'm having those moments (or days, weeks, even months) where I'm feeling particular things in life seem insurmountable or difficult to change, it's helpful to bring my focus back to something that can balance out my mood, even if just for a little while.

There are some things within our control and some things that are obviously not within our control. We don't know what will come of our jobs, our health, our relationships, or even the physical environment around us. What we can become aware of, cultivate, and pursue with pleasantly reckless abandon? P.A.S.S.I.O.N.

Passion was instilled within me from a very early age, without me even realizing it until my adulthood (upon reflection). My first passion? Reading and books. Pretty sure I was reading by osmosis in utero via any and all books resting on my mom's pregnant belly during those nine months. Reading is a comforting and sometimes inspiring constant, the one activity that always improves my mood even when the stuff I can't control (ie, aforementioned jobs, relationships, health, what's going on around me) gets to me. Buying books, smelling the pages of new or old books, reading and talking about books with like-minded people, holding books, reading books, giving books to friends, giving book recommendations to anyone and everyone, and holding on to my favorite books on bookshelves. This is what I do as often as possible.

My other passions? Writing (obviously), photography, traveling, learning and challenging myself in new ways (personally and professionally), and most recently the beautiful and intoxicating art of dance.

What fascinates me most about passion is that it offers the opportunity for short-term and long-term satisfaction. A passion can last a lifetime or it can appear spontaneously for just a season. A passion can resonate with you at a young age or show up in older age. A passion may strongly reflect who you are at the core or merely serve as a snapshot of a side of yourself you didn't even know existed. In essence, passion is positive, absorbing, satisfying, surrendering, ideal, being open and in the now.

What are your passions? Are you pursuing them?

Gr-Attitude

A friend of mine, a fellow mental health clinician, gave me an idea last month....to practice daily gratitude.....write/post 4 things (anything....from the simple to the deeper/more profound) for which you're grateful for every day for 30 days. I decided to revert to my "old school" ways and write in a journal with my fancy roller gel pen. In a world where virtually everything is shared in public mediums, there's something to be said for writing somewhere for my eyes only if I so choose. I started this little project while on my vacation in Chicago and two weeks into it, I'm already noticing a difference in my overall attitude each day.

Being the book buying and reading fiend that I am, I naturally wandered into a bookstore at the airport on my way home the other day. I was immediately drawn to a blue book that might as well have had neon lights flashing, luring me in. If I remembered correctly, another mental health counselor friend of mine had mentioned recently reading this blue book. I picked it up, flipped it over, and read the back cover. The cashier had my money within 5 minutes.

A perfect supplement to the 30 day daily gratitude list, I spent the whole 4 and a half hours of my flight reading "The Happiness Project." What's funny is that nothing the writer said was remarkable or insightful....but it was the way she said things or maybe what she chose to write about. It sparked inspiration and motivation, something that comes to me far and few between the last 2-3 years (at least in regard to my writing and ability to express my greatest creative potential).

Reading the book made me happy during those hours; it gave me hope that a muse is within my reach. I had this urge to want to do more with my photography, had thoughts about rearranging the appearance of my apartment, envisioned myself doing artsy things soon with an art/photo journal I started a few years ago, and write on my poor neglected but still dearly loved (by me anyway) blog. It's amazing what you find yourself thinking about when you're "forced" to become more aware of it. I can't help but wonder if practicing daily gratitude is a driving factor. And let me tell you, nothing is more difficult than finding things to be grateful for when so much is going on around you.....around the world (ie, earthquake and tsunami in Japan comes to mind), at work, anywhere! When things are overwhelming, stressful, or hopelessness starts creeping into your psyche and you can STILL find gratitude----such is the absolute "test."

Yesterday and today were two such days for me, today in particular. Yesterday I noticed a discrepancy on my bank statement regarding a monthly auto debit deduction for my student loan bill: it was lower than usual. For a few minutes I considered not calling about it, thinking it was a pleasant mistake.

Then that "Do the right thing Katie" part of my brain kicked in and I vowed to call the student loan customer service number.

Turns out after a 20 minute conversation with a customer service representative, I still don't completely understand why it was lower. All I know is it has something to do with the maximum number of payments I'm allowed that the brilliant (note the sarcasm) federal government has decided I cannot exceed for a lifetime amount, thus creating (unrealistically) high monthly payments after a certain pay period. This resulted in me feeling dejected and somewhat ashamed, as I was feeling stuck between wanting to be a responsible student loan bill paying citizen and wondering how it's possible to do so on my "public servant" salary.

What struck me most of all though about this exchange I had with this perfect stranger was how he responded to my concerns: he listened with genuine compassion. I could hear it in his voice. You can tell when someone is merely doing their job vs. saying something like they really mean it. "This guy 'gets it," I thought.

Granted, it didn't alter my long term financial predicament at all...but sometimes it's simply refreshing to feel heard by another human being. Maybe he has debts or bills he's struggling to pay himself. In any case, I found myself oddly thankful for his empathy and willingness to genuinely listen.

If we can find bits of gratitude in the most unpleasant experiences, just imagine how much more awareness, happiness, and creativity we can muster in the best of circumstances!

"It is easy to be heavy; hard to be light." --G.K. Chesterton

"Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness." --Leo Tolstoy

"Go get yourself loved." ---from 2011 independent film "Happy thank you more please"

32

(Written on 12/16/09)

How often do we really allow ourselves to dream big and contemplate things (tangible and intangible) we really, really want for ourselves? I know I don't engage in this practice nearly as often as I could. It seems that birthdays and holidays are the only times I tend to be inspired, motivated or encouraged to really ponder this stuff....but what about the rest of the year, the bulk of what comprises one's overall quality of living life with the most joy, abundance, love, wisdom, laughter, growth, and possibility? I think it can be so easy for us as a society to judge or complain about what we DON'T want, maybe because the message we may receive from others is that we are somehow unworthy (not rich enough, not thin enough, not beautiful enough, smart enough, talented enough, ad infinitum) or being selfish (instead of loving oneself in a healthy way). This is the "easy," yet unhappy way to believe.

For those that know me really well, however, you know that I tend to take the "harder," less traveled road (a reference to the great Robert Frost poem "A Road Less Traveled") because it is the journey to happiness...or at least my happiness. So in honor of me today (on my birthday), I have created a list of 32 wants and wishes for the next 12 months. Some wants and wishes are bigger than others, but one must always ALWAYS dream. :)

1. A Christmas bonus.

2. Finally get an iPod.

3. Lose 30-40 pounds.

4. Pay off an existing medical billl, as well as the bill for my laptop.

5. Scale down my credit card debt.

6. Slowly take steps to get private practice work going.

7. A gym membership so I can workout on a regular basis.

8. For my left leg to heal so I can take a Zumba or other hardcore dance class.

9. Finish reading the 772 page novel "Brothers Karamazov."

10. Visit Carla, Matt, and the baby in Austin, Texas.

11. Go to Chicago and visit my friends.

12. Take a weekend getaway cruise to Alaska.

13. Visit Canada before my passport expires in October 2010.

14. Check out Mt. St. Helens.

15. Visit San Francisco/Melissa, Sam, and the baby.

16. Go on a hot air balloon ride.

17. Finally meet and have a relationship with the man out there I'm meant to marry.

18. Make at least one close friend in Seattle.

19. Go sledding with Tracy and Justin.

20. Take a cooking or photography class for fun.

21. Discipline myself to write regularly like I did a few years ago.

22. Take a Pilates class.

23. Go sailing (never done this before) with someone who has a sailboat.

24. Learn as much as I can about my Nikon so I can take even BETTER shots with it.

25. Visit a wine vineyard.

26. Donate blood, even though this scares the crap outta me (needles frighten me).

27. For Eddie and Rajiv (my best friends) to visit me in Seattle!!!!!!!

28. Increase in salary.

29. Go camping and hiking at Hoh/Olympic National Rainforest.

30. See more of the gorgeous Oregon coast.

31. To be appreciative of at least one thing every day.

32. Have MANY fun and spontaneous adventures.